Autumn - posted on 02/19/2010 ( 8 moms have responded )
I'm coming up on the 4th anniversary since my daughter passed away, then less than a week after that I am scheduled to give birth to our new baby. I'm feeling very scared, well terrified is probably more like it. I'm scared something is going to happen to Sophia, but I have been holding things together pretty well. My first daughter was taken from me by violence, at the hands of her baby sitter, and I am having very mixed emotions. I am thrilled about our new baby, but I'm scared she's going to die. A lady at work told me "take my pill and calm down". I told her that I have not been on any "pills" now for over two years, and that I personally think that a small amount of irrational fear of your baby dying is pretty normal, especially considering my previous experience, and that thus far, this anniversary, despite my numerous triggers, I have been keeping things together quite well. But the truth is, I don't really know if I am holding things together very well at all. My husband has been understanding of me, and I am trying hard to extract small mercies from our life together, including trying to take comfort in our new baby together. I don't know where I'm going with all of this, but I think I just needed to put it all down. Most people can't really understand what this is like. "god won't let you lose another child" puleeese. So I guess I am feeling frustrated, and scared, and a little misunderstood, and tired of hearing the question "is this your first?" and not really knowing how to answer the question. Maybe, with our scheduled c section date a week and a half away, I am just altogether tired.