Any mothers who's children took their own lives?

Marinda - posted on 06/25/2009

"Yes nurse" will do. You`re so right, to laugh is like medicine for your soul.Sorry to hear that Monday was a rough day, just hope that you and David find some comfort in each other.Love and blessings to you MIGUELS MOM

Donna - posted on 06/24/2009

Marinda, you put a big smiile on my face. Thank you for thinking of me, but be kind to you TOE LOL that sounds funny, maybe god had that happen so we could laugh a bit together rather than be always caught up in our tragedy. Dont get me wrong OUR ANGELS are worthy. Things just get so serious sometimes. I am happy to hear your boy has found someone he adores, best wishhes to them both...... Yeah Fathers day was rough as was Monday after, David did ok though. There is a story behind the day, I will tell you in message that is private later. Anyhow dont know if I told you but I work as a nurse assistant, SO STAY OFF THE FOOT AND KEEP IT IN THE AIR!!! :) tHANKS FOR BEING ALWAYS THERE. LOVE MIGUELS MOM

Marinda - posted on 06/24/2009

H Beth, so very very sorry for your loss, it is still early times for you also. As I always say "nothing that I can say will ever make you feel any better or lessen the pain at all" but we can learn from each other, we can find comfort with each other, and the most important is that we can help each other by being there especially on days that you feel you just can`t go on. I`m glad to see that you`ve got a little one from Corey, it must be a blessing to hold her in your arms. We will never know just what our kids was thinking in those dark hours, and all of us feels this big empytiness that is left behind, they were all such wonderfull loving and gentle souls with such bright futures in front of them and they had so much to give to this world, that it`s difficult to try and figure this all out. I`ve learned to stop asking that difficult question (why) I`ve come to a place where I just knew that for me I had to stop or it would`ve drive me insane, and also what good would it do, I can`t bring her back, I will have to wait untill my time comes to held her in my arms again.

Tell us if you want about Corey we love to get to know our kids, what they were doing where they lived etc.

I`ll talk again tomorrow, all my love and blessings to you too.

Marinda - posted on 06/24/2009

Hi Donna, had a slight accident at home(broke my big toe on the left, dr had to remove the nail and there were also an arterie vein bleeding that kept on bleeding, but dr could stop that also with a few stiches) I`m on strict bedrest with foot in the air) I suppose it means that I must take life a little easier, am always on the run somewhere. Johan said that he will connect my computer in our room for me, or maybe I can borrow my son`s laptop (I`ve sneaked out of bed to quickly let you know)

I see that sadly we`ve got a new mom in our midst (meaning another family that have to deal with all these emotions, hurt etc)

Some good news tonight, our son introduce his new love to us last night, his head over heels with this girl, they have been dating for 5 months now, but kept her all to himself. She`s a lovely young woman (I`ll post a photo on my home profile tommorow so you can take look) we had a wonderfull evening with me tuck into bed and Johan and the 2 young ones also on the bed.

I hope that you`re doing fine after fathers day, I still hate these special days, makes everything that much more intense. I also visited that webside that Beth mention and was shocked to see so many heartache, but it also makes me feel a little less alone with this burden. I`ll chat again tomorrow and you take good care of yourself and be also gentle with yourself MIGUELS MOM, as always with all my love and blessings

Donna - posted on 06/22/2009

Just checkin in hope you are getting through as best you can. Prayers to you MIGUELS MOM

Beth - posted on 06/22/2009

I hate the word also!! When I get home tonite I'm gona try to find time to read the whole thing..Take Care..and remember one day at a time..xo Beth

Donna - posted on 06/22/2009

thank you so much beth . I always say 'took his own life' HATE the word Suicide. I really appreciate you sharing and I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you read the whole thread here. It will give you a idea of my and Marinda story if you want to join us. Take care. xoxox MIGUELS MOM

Beth - posted on 06/22/2009

Sorry to hear about your loss of your son.My heart goes out to you and your family. I also lost my son,Corey (he was only 24), to suicide on Oct 1st 2008, it have been a roller coaster every since. We never seen it coming. He was dignosied with schizomania. He didn't tell his family, the only one who knew was his girlfriend. I wish he would of shared with us, we could of helped him get help. The first year will be the worse, and hopefully the years to come will be a little easier for you.(at least that is what I tell myself)..Holidays were the worse days, he loved his holidays. He just had a birthday 6-6, we went to the caves where he liked to go and hang out and let ballons go. He left behind some many people that love and miss him dearly, especially his 4 yr old daughter. We do believe he was not himself the day he took his own life, because he was a go-getter in life and he lived his life for his daughter. The question why?? is always gong to be there!! It's like you want one more day to talk to them and see what was going on. You are not alone in this, there is so many people out there that are going through this. I didn't realized until I went a website for people that have lost people to suicide..the website is www.suicidegrief.com..it has helped me out ALOT. I have to go for now, I'm at work. I'll be back. Beth

Marinda - posted on 06/21/2009

Thank you Donna, that was very thoughfull of you, my thoughts also keeps going your way, know this is a very diffucult day for you and hubby. Me and Johan still struggle with special days like these, but now a days if Johan seems to be having a rough time like today, I try to be strong for him, he`s been there for me so much. I`ve avoid Jenine`s little garden the whole day today, just know that I couldn`t handle it today, as beautifull as it is. Love and blessings as always MIGUELS MOM

Donna - posted on 06/21/2009

Thank you again and always for responding. I have not written in a few but will get back with you I just really wanted you all to know your husband was one of my first thoughts this morning. I hope he has a wonderful day and my honey too. love thoughts and prayers.

Marinda - posted on 06/19/2009

It`s wonderful to hear that MIguel is a mommy`s boy, my son had finally made peace with the fact that I always calls him "my baby" even if he`s almost 26, he used to say "please mom not in public" but I`m so used calling him that so I tend to forget, but he`s now fine with it. It so good to hear that their are young voices in your house again, children are a blessing, and it doesn`t matter that you`ve not raised them I believe that children will become part of our lifes where there are a need for them and us, to learn from each other, and also when they, as younger ones needs a mother or father figure in their lifes, there are always a reason why children crosses our path. I feel very strongly about kids because thing were very difficult for me growing up, I had all of my physical needs taking cared of but never my emotional needs, and believe me, I know that my parents realy do love me, I just came to understand as years went by and I`ve became older that my parents did the best they could, I just was the odd one out, always different than the other 5 , and I think they didn`t know what to do with me, today I`m very protective towards them, in some ways they now feel more than little kids to me (saying and feeling this with much respect, and will obviously never treat them that way) it`s just the way they`re looking up to me, to do what they would normally have done themselves, it`s essential for me to treat them with dignity. It must be hard for you not to have any parent at all that you can go to for comfort at this difficult time in your life, I realy hope that there are a kind of substitute elder person in your life who fulfills that role. I smiled when you said that Miguels a little stubborn, looking at his photo, I`d rather say this young man just know what he wanted in life, and I also can see in the photos that the 2 of you adored each other, that was what Ive missed the most, and still do, it`s to touch her, feeling that little body and stroking those soft hair, I loved to touch her hands, they were always so small, that I always teased her by saying that she had liitle samples for hands and feet, I`m sorry to hear about your friend, but in a way it`s a blessing that the both of you can be their for each other knowing how the both of you feels, it make you feel just that tiny little less alone with your grief. I also wanted to tell you that I admire the kind of work your doing, I know how much it takes from a person to care for another, to be their for them in their most vulnerable times, I could never be able to do that, meaning taking care of wounds, people that are seriously injured etc, I just haven`t got the stomach for it, I always close my eyes if I by mistake say for instance, cut myself, and then I would call for johan to please come help, he and the kids always laughs at me, saying I`m silly. You must take care of yourself MIGUELS MOM, love and blessijngs as always

Donna - posted on 06/18/2009

Hi marinda, I am really glad to hear you are an active part of your parents lives, My parents passed my dad in 93 and my mom in 99. I sometimes cringe and walk away when i hear people talk bad about there parents or kids cause like you i would give anything to have my angel and my parents in my life. Yes they will always be a part of me and their memories live on but still the emptiness at times prevails. The father at my churchs wifes dad passed on last wed. she works with me, we talked to day about how the very begining and still now for me day to day seems like an out of body experience, cause GOD only knows how she I or you get up and go on each day through the motions again and again. I remeber and still think why me why our family, but at the same time i cant and dont wish it on anyone!........ Miguel has always been a very loving soul as a young boy, he grew up with a mom (ME) who was a hugger to people she cared about. All of my girl friends remember his hugs and how he never stopped hugging them and shining that bright smile. He was a mamas boy for sure when he was little and till the end. ( quiet as it was kept). He also was a stubborn lil guy. I can remeber we would put him in the corner when he was 3 and told him it was ok to come out he would turn and say "no I not ready!" turn back and stick his nose in the corner. Well Steph and Ky got home. You commented my photo of them, She ( steph) and Miguel got together when the Ky was 2 months, David and I baptized her, so we are nana and papa/God parents. They moved back in after Miguel passed. Steph is the female version of Miguel the apple of Davids eye. I know i must of jumped around alot in this writing. Hope you got a lil of Miguels personality. I will share more later.

Marinda - posted on 06/18/2009

Hi Edna, Very sorry to hear, from me also, it`s not easy this path were on, but its a blessing to have other moms that can help us through the rough patches and who know our emotions so well. I`m glad that you`ve got a little one of him to help ease the pain in a way. thanks for the prayers I`ll include your family too in mine. love always

Donna - posted on 06/17/2009

I am so sorry for your loss. i lost my son on jan. 13 2009. Thank you for sharing. thoughts and prayers to you.

Edna - posted on 06/17/2009

I lost a son to suicide in 2004. It's hard to cope with, I am still coping. His beautiful son Gage keeps me sane. I pray for you all.



Psalm 46:1-2

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea.

Marinda - posted on 06/17/2009

I hope you`ve had a good night`s rest, busy day for me today, of to art classes, and alot around the house to do after that. Don`t be to harsh on you`re friend, believe me I smile sometimes when looking back at just how "wrong" I was when tragedy strike other people`s life, you`re meaning well, but ending up saying all the wrong things, or nothing at all, I remember one so clearly, about 2 years before Jenine`s passing, our neighbour just on the other side of our road (we had just greet in passing and she and her 3 boys were also new in the neighbourhood, a few months) had lost her oldest one morning about at 4 just about 3 blocks from home in an car accident, we as a neighbourhood and community was stunt as we all do especially when it`s a young life that`s lost, (I had the daycare centre at my home) and 1 day after this child`s accident I went to close my gate when my last mommy was off to work and I come to an sudden halt when I noticed this woman sitting down in front of her home on the tar road, just looking totally lost and in shocked, I just stood their, I couldn`t go back into the house, but I also couldn`t get myself to go over their either, I just didn`t know what to do, I just stood and cry thinking how in heavens name do a mom go from this on again, I never talked to her, not once, but I did cry with her, she will just never know it, and after Jenine, I`ve come across alot of different approaches from people, hurtfull, unsensitive, cold etc, but what hurt the most was that my mom and dad it didn`t felt like they were there for me at all, and sadly after cancer was diagnosed in my father last october (his terminal) my mom and dads attitude changed dramatically, and I suddenly realise but how could they know what is going on in my heart, head my emotions whatever, if they never had the experience of loosing someone very close to them, you just can`t relate (my mom and dad were never realy present in my or my kids life, and we almost see each other maybe once in three years) but I`ve made peace with that a long time ago, and today I`m walking the road with them every step of the ways, from the day of dads diagnosis and I find that there is a lot of insight from my part to help my brothers/sister and especially my mom through this difficult time, and also to listen to dad, and me hopefully saying the right things when he have questions. What I mean to say is, your friend also lost, she lost the old you, you will never be the "before Miguel mommy", you and she will never look at life quite the same as you always have, and she know that, and so do you, but you`re just not saying it (but "yes" the love remains) but everything have changed, sadly so, it`s not right, we are not suppose to bury our children it`s unnatural, I`m further down the path, and therefore have a kind of acceptance and stillness in me but I do get days when I`m so damn upset, I don`t want to wait for one day to see her, and then everything will be perfect, I want her here, "now" this looking back was my perfect, and I must confess, it totally upsets me when my brothers and sisters (we`re 6 kids) complains about their kids, then I always thought, you know what, I would give everything to have those troubles with my baby, at least I would have her with me, and I feel that they are ungratefull etc, my brother`s daughter got pregnant and he totally lost it, and I thought "you`re gaining a precoius new life, and still have your daughter, I will never have that priviledge and I can go on and on Donna, we never really appreciate what we`ve got until it`s taken from us, and sadly you and I now that all to well.Me and Jenine did everything together, she would finished my sentences, when she was in johannesburg for 9 monhts, we would be on the phone almost hourly, that was beside cellphone time, we talked about everything, we`d slipped away at night time and like to naughty kids slipped into the schoolyard (one block away) climb over the poolfence and get into the pool laughing hysterically, because we both know that she would have to throw the big empty dustbinn into the water for me to get out again, and then we would lay on our backs floating always holding hands, and we would talk, laugh, cry, it was at one of these moments about two weeks before her passing that she asked me one while floating gently and we`re looking at the stars, "mommy, who do you think would be on the other side to welcome me back home, if you`re still here, because the only person I wanted to see when getting back there would be you,(she always called it home) I can`t think of anyone else, (that was not strange talk, the both of us had many talks of the afterlife from the time that she was about 4 years old, we`ve almost lost het twice, she fell into a pool at age one, and then at age 4 with a kind of stomach bug, when they were transferring her to a bigger hospital, she begun to asked me, "'mommy, do you see it", and I asked "what sweetie", and she said, "this beautifull place", and "mommy all this coulour flowers, I`ve never saw such beautifull flowers", I was hysterically, because I instantly knew that we`re busy loosing her, and I pleaded all the way to hospital "please God I will never asked for another child ever again, just don`t take her from me today"(I `ve wanted another one desperatly at that time)and she just always was a different kind of little soul than other kids, people alwaus used to say, she`s so little, but when she looked at you, it feels as if you looked at an old woman, it had upsets me at first but I later didn`t give it even a second thought. But I did knew the weekend before she crossed over that somethings up, I just didn`t want to think about it, she always every evening would`ve have flung her little body over my bed at the footend of the bed laying on her back, and at that time she was busy studying for her Reflexology, Aromatheraphy degree, I always helped her, and then she would said, "tell me a story mommy" meaning me learning through the day times where did oils for instance origanate from, who was the first people starting to use them etc, etc, and that Saturday night, she suddenly went dead quiet, looked up and very solemley asked me "mom, who is that person standing in the hallway, strangely I just looked at her and tell her, don`t worry blompot (meaning little flowerpot in english) he`s not here to harm you, you`re safe, and that happensed 4 nights in a row, always the same question, always the same answer, and me just having this stillness inside of me as if waiting, but nothing hysterically at all, but I knew afterwards that that was her quardian angel already their, waiting for her to be there when she crosses. Please if you feel, not on specific times but times you want to, to tell me about Miguel, I realy want to know the boy behind the face so to speak, who he is, what silly things he did and say. everything you can think of, how was he as a baby etc, I would like to include him in my talks with my baby, I believe that moms who met on earth through them, they will also met on the other side. Love and blessings to you "MIGUELS MOM" as always

Donna - posted on 06/16/2009

K this is gonna be short. it is passed by bedtime. First off thank you for sharing, and I would love hear the rest of that story about the Meadow! am so glad we found each other one of my best freinds, was very close to Miguel and it is hard for us to talk about it cause she does not know what to say always afraid she will say the wrong thing. One of the reasons i love that 'note ' i shared with you.She was like Miguels 2nd mom. I was upset with her cause she has a son the same age and i told her once that I would call her daily if it was Rob who was gone, that was kinda harsh but she still loves me. She just kinda distant herself there for a while and I didn't understand.I shared with her about you and how much it helps me. I am so glad you told me about taking those pills, beleive me I have wanted to check out, Church and bible study help me alot, I just look forward to the day we will all be together again in a perfect world. Till next time prayers and love to you and yours. Donna MIGUELS MOM

Marinda - posted on 06/16/2009

Hi







Hi Donna, I was sitting here and staring at your post for so long , didn`t even realised it until, Johan asked me, Hi, what`s going on? I`ve told him previously about you guys and your devestating loss, then i told him that I can`t even begun to comprehend how you must have felt that awfull moment walking into that scene, it makes me mad on some level because I feel, God wasn`t it not enough to put this mother through such a terrible "life sentence" did YOU also have to make her go through that exsperience, for what? The first year and a half after my babys passing I was haunted by the way she passed over (sorry, I can`t ever get myself to use the word "dead" because believe me that`s not the case at all, they are just on another spiritual level.loved and cared for) For a long time I had images of how she had done it, until one day that I directly asked my son with his dad present, I want to know excactly what did she do, he looked at his father and Johan said, you don`t need to know that, so I told them "Please, it`s driving me grazy, not knowing, having the weirdest dreams and nightmares, I`ve for instance dreamed how she screamed for me, and me digging in the earth with my bare hands, getting her out and taking her into my arms, while I saw eveyone looking shocked at me for doing that, I had many dreams like looking frantically for her, always finding her, then in my sleep realize that she`s gone, but how can that be, because here I`ve got her in my arms, one night was especially difficult, I was hearing her sobbing so sadly, and I was running through this house looking for her until I saw her sitting on a bed, her back to me, with those long blond curls covering her face, and then she looked up, and there was so much sadness in those beautiful little face, and I was yelling at johan to please come help me I`ve found her while I cling to her for dear life, Johan had to wake me up I was screaming so hard. So then they decided to tell me that she had lay herself down in front of our bath,and put the gun in her mouth, I still untill today can`t believe how such a gentle soul could have choose such a violent act to end her life, I had a daycare centre for 11 years, and believe or not, she hated guns so much that whenever a mom brought a child over with a playgun, she immediatly always took it and give it back to the mum , she shelped me from age 16 and then she always used to said to such a parent, "please a gun is not something a child is suppose to have fun with" thats`s why It will always be something I will never understand.We have a normal 3 room bedroom house 1 bathroom, and just 2 months before her passing Johan went on pension,and he decided that because we have enough place for 2 houses on our property he divided the place and start with formal prooceedings to under developed our property, and he then 1 month after her he started building this house with his own 2 hands with just one young black kid that was staying with us working and helping Johan with his business (Johan is into steel contracting work) and that kid is like a child in the home nowadays, johan had bought him his first house etc and he is living with a young woman, very proud to have his own place at such a young age. the 2 of them build everything, from bottom to top, I can`t remember much about this venture, but I treasure this little place so much because I know that with every stone Johan laid his thoughts were with his daughter (he was terribly mad and sad at her at the same time, I knew that is what kept him going,(that is also the reason that I had to make a whole new garden from scratch When the roof was up about that November he finished our bedroom (without any cupboard at first) and tell me we`re moving over to the new house, it was like being young and starting from scracth again, the rest of the house was just rough bricks, no floor tiles, nothing painted, no ceiling nothing, no outside doors on only the one were on the bedroom we were sleeping in, and in the day time after about 2 weeks he had finished laying our flloor tiles in the sitting room and he would put Jenine`s matress on the floor and let me sit their so that he could keep an eye on me, I mostly just stared at nothing, I was to busy with trying to come to terms with everything, ( I was in a deep depression and sadly very suicidal, just want to be with my baby, telling myself over and over again, she need me) now I think you will understand just why I`m so protective towards my son and husband they went through hell over and over again, they had schedules between the 2 of them who`s looking after me when (Thank God those days is gone) the turning point for me came that next july the 10 "2006" that monday night I`ve took 4 months sleeping tablets, anti depressants and also my tablets to calm me, I`ve always took them when they give it to me but then put it in a little holder, and that monday night I took all of them, I d remember beginnig taking them it was about 20h00 that night, but cannot remember finishes it all. ( I will for always have to live with my concience for putting the 2 or them through a second trauma in such a short time, johan found me in bed, I never sleep with clothes on, and that night I had it on, and he thought it was strange but never gave it a second thought, so he was doing his thing, taking a shower, shaving etc, and then he heard me making a strange sound, our bathroom is next to our room, so he take alook, and saw that my lips looked blue, he put the main light on, and immediatly see something was wrong, our son was on duty that night so he grabbed his cellphone calling him, Carel asked him to check my vitals, pulse and breathing and just as he went over me, I stopped breathing, our son was here so they told me in 3 minutes, he had to inthubate me, had his partner then breath for me while he was putting on a drip and let the hospital know his on his way, johan told me that all his partners were on the scene in 5 minutes,every one doing something, and what absolutly broke my heart time and time again, (I still could find a way to forgive myself, still struggle with that one) is that when they had me on the stretcher Carel was sitting over me, while beathing for me, shouting "YOU`Ve got my sister, there is no way YOU`RE going to get my mom too, Johan told me he was that the whole way untill the time they wheeled me into ICU, and then they had to dragged him out of there. (Gosh, Donna I don`t think I will be forgiven for that) But in the sadnees and hoorror of it all was also a miracle, strangley, I started to come too 3 days later, very disorientated, on the heart lung machine still, couldn`t remember what happened, the first people I saw was Johan and Carel each holding a hand and strangly that night it was late, a sister was sitting quietly at my beside and all of a sudden I could hear alarm bells going off, I was still looking at her, saw her getting up, slapping me lightly in the face talking to me, I couldn`t hear her, just saw she was talking and was wondering why is she so upset, and why are there so many doctors and nurse around I was feeling fine. actually wonderful, but then I started on my eye level saw this beautifull meadow left of me, and all of the hospital scene just totally dissapear.I will tell you what happened that night if you want to know, but I just had a call from carel, he will be taking a patient to Pretoria (it`s about 3 hours drive from hear) and asked me if I can please get him something to eat and drink for the road he will be stopping here in 15 minutes. Love and blessings as always, and look after yourself Miguels mom

Donna - posted on 06/15/2009

Hi Again, About working outside of the home, It helps me tremendously, I am a CNA (certified nurse assistant) I live in a small town in Montana and during this time my coworkers/friends there had a luncheon for us to help with expense, we are not rich $ wise. I got so many cards flowers and calls I was told that were many people from the hospital i work in attendance the day of Miguels service. I dont know who went their are a few i saw, but that day was a blur. I just remeber screaming that i cant do it. I had/ have support from them but they are at my job, I dont see them after work unless at the store or in town. But work helps get me through my day I was off for a month and 1/2. I can not afford to stay home and my husband had to get back to work to. His boss is one of his best friends and his wife is my dear friend. Well I hope you are doing well I hope to hear fronm you soon. XOXOXOX

Donna - posted on 06/15/2009

Marinda, Thank you so much, I so look forward to your messages. I hope that one day i can give someone the comfort you give me. I was up and dressed for work that morning and I checked upstairs and Miguel was not there, David and I just thought he left and would be here when we got home from work. He had an interveiw that afternoon for work. I went to my car and heard the radio in the garage and went to turn it off. I looked over and there he was unrecognizable other than his clothing. I had to have the funeral director let me see his foot cause i just kept thinking it was not my son someone was wearing his clothes. I had rubbed those feet so many times after his baseball or football games i had to see for myself. I just wanted it to go away. why couldnt i wake up from this nightmare? Then those days after are just a blurr I had my husband David and a few close friends walking me through the motions of the arrangements. I remember the song he had as his ringtone "roll with me" by mongomery gentry and the song I dedicated to him when he graduated high scholl " my wish " By rascall flatts and those 2 and my gramnd parents favorites. "old rugged cross," and "amazing grace" is what we played, The service I remember was so packed with kids (teenagers) his baseball team, family coaches, teachers so many people from town that knew him from his work at the local Safewway and pizza parlors. It was overwhelming and made it harder to understand why such a loved and happy go lucky kids time had come so early, I again thought it wasnt real wake me up! Well I just wanted to share more of my story with you. You have shared so much with me. I am sooooo sorry for your loss and am grateful that you are taking time out of your life to listen and talk to me you are an ANGEL! God bless yo LOVE donna MIGUELS MOM!

Marinda - posted on 06/15/2009

Hi Donna, I struggle with thinking of what to answer you about the way you found Miguel, I didn`t had that experience, because I choose not to go into the bathroom (she also shot herself) her boyfriend come to tell us when we were at the vet a block from our house away, I immediatly knew that she was gone, I could just felt it, I remember hitting her boyfriend on his chest with my fist saying"I`ve asked you to please look after her" I didn`t cry,it was as if I was in a place I couldn`t identified, I could see and hear but it was from very far away, and I just remember walking into the front of our door, and hearing the paramedics voise, saying over and over, "flatline, flatline, flatline", and Johan coming down our hallway with his hands in his hair saying "Oh, my God, she`s gone" I remember turning right around walking to the farthest corner of our garden and just sitting down, that was my last memory for a long time, I also remember one incident in the funeral parlour, can`t remember how I`ve got their, but the attendant their was looking at me asking me "what do you want us to dress her in" I was thinking , that`s a silly question and said to him, "what`s wrong with her clothes she chooses herself the last time she dressed please keep it on" and then he asked us to looked as some caskets, I turned around and was feeling so bewildered, and before i could help myself I started laughing (I totally lost it) and saying to my husband end everyone their, "are we suppose to get her the most beautifull to show how musch we love her" not waiting for any answers I`ve turned back again and saw a little backroom, stepped into it and saw a raw pine casket and I immedialtly said I wanted one of those and if they would please put handles of rope on" they all turned to my husband, knowing this woman is not herself ( I wouldn`t disagree with that, but I suddenly knew why I wanted it that way, about 2-3 years ago, jenine one day told me, mom whenever I pass over one day, just ask dad to put together some pine pieces together and put me in there, I want nothing else, I reply okay, remeber I want the same" they choose to ignore me completly, until Johan (my husband) said "you`ve heard my wife, that`s what we will be having for her" I think till today that everyone in town think that we are just the weirdest parents or that we either don`t love her enough, but I don`t care, because we know the thruth, I didn`t even share this with anyone else in the family either, I know they all still untill today wonder about that, raw pine casket with the ropes for handles, I just asked for a very big bunch of pink roses on top. The reason I didn`t walked into that bathroom was that I knew that I never wanted to see her that way, I`ve wanted to remember her the way she always was, full of light and sunshine, and I just knew that founding Miguel must be one of the hardest things for you to deal with, and I truly wish you didn`t had to go through that. My family told me afterwards, that some of them asked me to go and see her but that I flatly refused, my son wanted to attend her autopsy and I also put a stop to that, because I knew that he was trying to make sense of it all, but that it would have been the worst thing for him in the long run. I also have one very clear memory and that was 2 days before the funeral, they had brought us her funeral letters, I just took it looked at it, and them throw it into the dustbin, walking too her room and taken a book that I`ve made for her for her birthday just 2 months ago (her birthday`s the day after christmas) I the pick a photo of her that I loved, and start writng my own letter to her, with poems that I`ve put specially in her little book, and I remembered how she and I would cry our eyes out while looking at the film "pay it forward" in the end when that song begun, "calling all angels" so I search on the web, download it and it was played at her remembrance service (she asked to be cremated in a letter) my dad told me that I was sitting their, looking sthraight ahead, never said a word, not one tear, just total silence, and I also didn`t wanted to be touched. My doctor asked my husband to tell the family to not tell me things I can`t remember, to just let it be, because it`s my way of coping, just shutting the world out.I still today can`t listen to that song, and all of her other music she loved so much, the sad thing is that we both have the same taste in music, Era, Spirits, Gregorian, Pagan Dawn, etc and I truly miss listening to it, but God knows I get so teary eyed and emotional and it put me in a very dark place, so I rather choose to avoid it.My son is still studying while still being a paramedic (but he will have to put a stop to it at the end of this year because he will then be a full time student again( he wants to be a trauma surgeon, and he always study with Era and Spirits in the background playing softly, I just sms him when I want to bring him something to say I`m on my way please, no music"I`m just wondering how you are coping sorking outside of the home on a time like this, what are you doing? I truly admire that about you, the coping skills to do it, but I also know that on another level it`s not good for you either, because you have not enough alone time, and "yes" I believe with all of my heart that , that bald eagle is Miguel`s way of saying "mom, I`m here, and for being hard on your husband, we always hurt the people we love the most, I think maybe because we know it`s in a way a safe place to do it, not that it make it right at all, my husband one day said to me, when I was apoligising for my behaviour that I must remember that before all else , before being angry at me whatever, that he always first love me, and believe me donna I held on to those words, with everything, and I really do take the time to tell and show him often just how much I love him and how important he is to me. I once told him sorry, that I`ve forgot in my grieve that we was first a couple before coming parents, and that I will truly try to keep remembering it through my grieve, not that I want to make parenthood anything less, but just to keep perspective and let him know that I also love him and need him. Thinking of you, and as always all my love and blessings.

Donna - posted on 06/14/2009

I would love for you to check in. It is hard for me to sit and write cause the tears are always just at the surface. the image of the morning I found Miguel is like it is suspended in mid air in front of my eyes. It just hurts so bad. I just shared with my husband about your tragedy and your kindness. I am always apologizing to him cause I do ok at work and come home and he is my target, yet he is my rock. I just am bitter at times so your kindness is a message i need to pay attention to. I am gonna get ready for church. Thank you for being here for me. The people that are here closest to me, dont say a whole lot I know they love me and love and miss Miguel, i fear they just dont know what to say. PS we see a bald eagle every time we are by the lake and fishing we beleive it is Miguels spirit. talk to you soon.

Marinda - posted on 06/14/2009

Hi Donna that first year counting everyday, week, month thinking oh, last week she did this or that, I also could not get her of my mind for one second, (I must confess I still do) I couldn`t concentrate on anything and I always used to go to her room and curled up in her bed, she always sleep with at least 4 or 5 cushions, and I`ve gathered them all around me *I still today sleep with all of them, my poor husband learned to except it) I also couldn`t sleep at night times, I still struggle to sleep at night, I always went to the backroom, we`ve had a extra computer in there, then I would`ve put some music on and just stare at that computer screen for hours, I`ve saw countless sunsets from there and countless breaking of dawns, I use to love to see the day break, the stilness in the air, birds starting to sing etc. now adays it just make me sad, because for me that put me always right back at the beginning with that absolute total feeling of being lost and broken. You must be gentle with yourself, and please keep holding on to the love that you and Miguel share, I`ve started in the beginning to first write poems, and later I did scrapbookpages where I tell her how much she is loved, missed, how I don`t under-stand etc. What helped me a lot was going through all of her photos, looking at them, crying over them, until I found one that I instantly know what I wanted to say and what I wanted to put with it on a scrapbook page, I don`t know if you`re familiar with people like John Edwards, James van Praag etc and how you feel about that, but one of my sons friends took me one night to see someone that was from South-africa but living in New Zeeland, I didn`t know anything about her or didn`t ever before went to a gathering of that sort, this friend of my son just said, I want to take you to listen to a special woman talking to room full of people, when getting there I quickly understand what it was all about, and she talk to almost every person in the room, I didn`t say a word, was just listening and crying you can`t help to get emotional when you see other peoples hurt, and after 3 hours just before she was about to finished, she turned to me and said, "your daughter said "thank you mum for my scrapbooking pages (I didn`t start scrapbooking or realy even new about it when she still was here, and then she continued to say that she also loved her special garden and that I must please never stop writting her special letters, she then came over give me a hug and said that`s from her and and that jenine also told her that she was a very fortunate young woman to have me- that one I still struggle with because I feel that I`m the fortunate one to have her, I never said one word back to that lady I was afraid that I will never stop crying if I should open my mouth,so I still write her letters and poems. Jenine used to write beautifull poems and I treassure them. You don`t have to feel obligated to always answer back, because I know that you just don`t have any energy left, mourning takes almost everything from you physically and emotionally, I will check in everyday to see how you`re doing. May angels keep you safe tonight and may you have some peacefull sleep just to get some rest. Love and blessings always

Donna - posted on 06/13/2009

THANK YOU FOR YOUR THOUGHTS. TODAY IS EXACTLY 5 MONTHS, SINCE MY BOY PASSED. MISS HIM SO BAD FEELS LIKE 5 YEARS. I WILL WRITE MORE LATER BEEN A ROUGH DAY!

Marinda - posted on 06/13/2009

I`ts still such early days for you emotionally, Its a terrible place for a mom to be, I must admit that I totally escaped into my own little world, if it wasn`t for my wonderfull hus-band I don`t think I would`ve survive those first 2 years, I must admit I put him through hell and i will forever ber sorry for that, he had to deal with the loss of our baby and also a wife that just want to be left to die also, the pain was to much to bear, luckilly for me I can`t recall much of those months, the doctors said that my mind just shut down, I also felt very quilty towards our son, he was 21 at the time and had just qualified as a paramedic a few months before, and he and his dad took turns looking after me, but that i also can`t remember. I just hope with all of my heart that you have a wonderfull support system to help you through tough times, I don`t see any more kids on your post. Just take all the time you need to mourn your son, to cry, fight whatever you feel to do, and please don`t feel quilty for where you are emotionally and if you don`t want to do or see anything or anyone. You`ve lost a part of your soul and you need time to adjust to that, life will never be the same for you ever again, you must learn to adapt to a new one and you will not ever get it really just right, the sadness will always be there, but you will also learn that life goes on, I can remember thinking one morning, how in heavens name can people go on with life, don`t they know I`ve lost my baby (silly - yes) but people started to forget with time and will talk less and less about Miguel, but for you it will always feel like yesterday. I`ve made a beautiful little garden for Jenine, with lots of roses, wisteria, all her windcharms, fairies and angels, her dad made a place for us to burn her favourite insence and candles on special days. It`s a wonderfull tranquil little haven to just sit or read, her brother and his friends will also usually gather their and you will almost always once or twice a week see a flickering candle in the dark that her brother or one of his or her friends had light for her.I`m at a peacefull at this time in my life, so many things have changed, I `m not working outside the home anymore, I take enough alone time for myself, I also started oil painting classes which I love and I also build our own garden from scratcth and believe me in the winter time (thought nothing is going to grow) but I remember crying so much with every plant that I`ve put into the ground, but it`s a beautifull place today, I will post pictures tonight and then you can take a look. I must make some breakfast now, but we`ll talk later, please take care honey, and be gentle with yourself, and remember Miguel is always with you. love and blessings to you

Donna - posted on 06/12/2009

Oh my gosh thank you for responding! My sons name is Miguel he passed away 1-13-09 tomorrow will be 5 months. He was drunk. We truly believe it was just a second in time and that he did not realize what he was doing. May have been a total accident he always kept a bullet in the chamber, we live in Montana he was a hunter. He had a lot to look forward to. He had been home for a week straight just hanging out watching movies. he was gonna go to Arizonz to work as aline men I think he was drunk and got angry and did not know the finallity of his split second choice. I dont believe he was sufferin g for along time before this, he just did not handle alchohol well at all. The kids in this town played drinking games and i think they drink so much so fast it really distorts their minds. I really look forward to hearing from you again. HUGS & PRAYERS to you

Marinda - posted on 06/11/2009

Hi Donna, this is such a difficult and sad situation, when you lost a child through suicide. We`ve lost our 20 year old daughter the 24 February 2005, we never even see it coming, and I also believe that if she could comprehend all the emotional devestation she had left behind, that she would never ever even think about doing such a thing. I miss her terribly, I used to be so mad at her in the beginning, but thats not something I felt anymore, (I just love her) My reason for being mad was, that I thought we`ve shared everything,but I`ve also come to realise that no matter how much we love each other, some parts of us is always private, and I also realise that she must have had a realy bad time and was not thinking straight, maybe just trying to escape a difficult situation, (the sad part is, that untill today I still don`t know what happened to made her choose that route, her boyfriend never wanted to talk to us and explain) I`m truly sorry for you and wish that no parent had to go through something like this ever, I don`t know how long ago this happen, maybe you can talk to me about that if you want to, just so that I can no where you are emotionally now. Please feel free to talk to me, ask any question you may have or even if you just want to talk about him (I would like to know his name)

Just know that I am certain of the fact that our angels are cared for and are giving all the love they need, and that your son would never intentionally hurt you this way ever. All my love to you