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Motherhood after the death of a child: pregnancy, infant

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Bitter Sweet Life

Mel - posted on 07/22/2010 ( 2 moms have responded )

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Hi all,
I am new to this site. I just wanted to simply introduce myself and my reasoning for being here and maybe come across some new friends and people understand me.
I had my son William in July of 2006, at 15 months old he was diagnosed with a very rare form of liver cancer. At the time of diagnosis he was stage 4 and it massively spread to his lungs. He was sedated for 6 weeks and at that point they thought he wasn't going to make it. I went from my healthy (or so I thought) little boy to him having cancer and dying? They started him on chemotherapy and he made a miraculous recovery!! His tumors were shrinking, he had no trouble coming off the breathing machine, he had no trouble learning how to walk, sit, and do baby things again.. He amazed me, as always!! His tumors continued to shrink but not as quickly as we would like. In August of 2008 they gave us the horrible news that his tumors had grown back bigger than they were initially. William passed away on September 20, 2008. I watched my baby die. I am horrified. I miss him sooo much!! I went down a horrible path after that as he was my only child. I didn't care for anyone including myself. I drank everyday and made horrible decisions. I got pregnant not even a year after his death. I now am the proud mother of an amazing baby girl. She is 4 months old. (I could probably go on forever, I am trying to make this short lol)
I have read a bunch of the posts in this forum, and I can relate so much to what people say. Of people expecting you to get over it, or saying the wrong things.
People think the birth of my daughter is replacing my son, and that I need to move on. They don't understand how bitter sweet it is to have half of your heart completely not work. How you try so hard to be an upbeat person for your child on earth but you are so terribly heartbroken and dont even want to move.
My daughter has a cold right now, just a simple little cold, and I am so frustrated. It scares me. I cannot handle a sick child. I watched my child go through needle after needle, feeding tubes, 18 medicines a day, chemo every 3rd week, swabs and fevers because of no immune system, constant diahrea, no appetite.. and then I watched him die. And it all started because of basic cold symptoms and the hospital misdiagnosing him with asthma time and time again.. So now people look at me like im nuts, but how could I not worry!!
*Sigh*

I guess I should stop venting.. Take Care..

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2 Comments

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Jessica - posted on 07/25/2010

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mel
first of all i'm sorry about your son. secondly im happy you where able to get pregant again and become a great mom to her.
Unforunately this situation {lossing a child} those who ever lived/survived thru it cant relate. if they really knew they would know a child cant be replaced in your heart but that another child can comfort you and possibly inspire you to go on. i know it is hard to not be on edge with your daughter being sick but maybe if you keep a journal of dates, symptoms and reacts..etc it may ease ur mind. u can use it as a reference between she and ur son.
Please dont stop venting it keeps us sane! again im suggesting journaling all your thoughts. it helped me so much after my daughter was stillborn. it helped me focus and better express myself when speaking about what happened without sitting with a dr.

Jeri - posted on 07/24/2010

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Hi Mel, don't stop venting, I think it's good for you to do that, I haven't lost any of my 3 sons, but I did lost a much beloved little girl who was my neice's daughter. We lost her a year ago March 1st, 2009. Her name was Lexie and she was 4 yrs. old, almost 5, and she was the most beautiful little girl I've ever seen. She was super-smart, could do anything she attempted to do and was so very loved by all who knew her. I got very close to her during the year I babysat her, which ended just 6 months before she died, when she entered pre-k at a Christian school. She wasn't sick, she died in a horrific traffic accident in which she drowned. I have watched her mom and her grandad struggle to deal with this, as I have. We all deal with it differently, but I am so amazed by how my neice is dealing with it. She also had another baby, who was born just 2 weeks shy of the (1) year anniversary of Lex's death.
I don't think there is a right or wrong way to grieve, as long as your healing slowly. I think you get into trouble, phychologically,when you get stuck in your mind by the death itself. When that happens, you can't move forward. I've seen that happen to a family member, it's very sad. I can't even imagine the constant war in a mother's mind, that comes from: dealing with the grief from losing one child AND then the joy and love from a new child! I would imagine it would be constant feelings of guilt over feeling any happiness. Is that about right?
I say, keep talking about your feelings, it's healthy.
Personally, when I greive, I'm very self- destructive. I have a hard time eating, I get anorexic.
The way my mind has handled losing my neice, is denial. It feels like she is still here, like it didn't really happen. As if she is away on vacation. I'm thankful for feeling this way, even though it might not be healthy. I don't feel the pain of her loss this way, at least alot of the time.
You might fear every cold and sneeze now with your new child, nothing will be harmless to you as a result of what you have gone thru with William. And, if that's the case, so what? Who cares what other people think?
I doubt my neice will let anyone else drive her new son anywhere, trusting only herself behind the wheel, as a result of what she experienced. So what? I don't think it's nuts to feel that way or that either one of you are nuts.
Unless someone has walked in your shoes, gone thru exactly what you have, they have no right to judge the way you feel.
I feel there can never be another Lexie, or William, that they were " one of a kind " children, as all children are. All 3 of my sons are as different as night and day from each other, and I love each one of them with my whole heart!! But, the way I love each of them is unique to that child.
Feel better, there are people out there who do care.

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