Death of 3 1/2 month old to SIDS. HELP

Tabitha - posted on 09/07/2009 ( 28 moms have responded )

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My son Asher died 3 months ago to SIDS and I miss him so much and I don't know what to do . He was 3 1/2 months and healthy. Nothing makes any sense. I had my tubes tied after him and I regret it. I feel like all I do is cry and the pain is unbearable. My body aches for my baby.

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Tabitha, sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter Brittney 21 yrs ago to SIDS . The pain never goes away, but it does get easier. I remember how it felt when my arms would ache to hold her, how my heart still aches wanting to know who she would be today. All I can tell you is don't bury your feelings, thoughts or tears, it needs to come out, its going to be part of your healing. You will get through this, sometimes it may look grey, but there is light. Celebrate the time you had with your beautiful son, do something special on his birthdays, write him letters and just talk to him, he hears you and is now your angel and guardian watching over. There are plenty of us who are going/gone through this that will be here to help you.

my thoughts and prayers are with you

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Renee - posted on 07/17/2013

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My son was 3months and 2 days old. Today he would have been 21.I think about him all the time and wonder what would. have been.I don't know what I feel.when he died all I did was cry. I would go to.the cemetary as much as I could and just sit at his grave and visit. I really missed him and everything was so strange. It never goes away but it does get bearable

Monique - posted on 10/07/2009

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you know ,my baby passed away 18 years ago.....I felt your pain....look forward to tomorrow....for with every amazing day that you and I live ,your pain will find it's place in your heart....It's like the pain now doesn't know where to go ,so you find yourself just caring the pain in your arms and it's hard to do anything. Love, Monique

Amanda - posted on 10/07/2009

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Tabitha, I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter to SIDS September 14,2008 at only two months old. I relive the day she passed over and over in my head asking myself why and if there were something I could have done. I wish I could tell you it will be okay, and eventually you will feel better but the truth is I dont know. Having lost her just a year ago the past month, I feel even more pain. I belive I was in shock and it has only begun to wear off. I find the support groups to be difficult at times also because they generally have you reliving the moments over and over. For me the best support is from family and friends. Each person grieves in there own way, and one things you have to know is that there is not time limit. I spent so much time pretending to be okay because I thought it was what people expected of me. Now I realize I can only do so much. My mother who has also lost a child told me that you never will forget, and the pain will never fully go away, but one day it will be bareable. I only hope you find some peace in knowing that your precious baby is with the Lord. And remember you are not alone in this.

Pamela - posted on 10/05/2009

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When my son died (Stillborn) the dr (who I trust very much) said to me that sometimes these babies die inside the womb and others die outside (Cotdeath). Basically he was saying that no matter what we do these babies were born to die, it is awful but unfortunatly I am finding this to be true. Your poor baby was with you for nearly 4 months and 9months inside you. Treasure his memory and yours together.. I am so sorry for the loss of your baby, I really don't know what to say about the tubes being tied only to find out if it is reversable? I really hope that you can keep going and that your strength prevails, just by talking about it shows that you are dealing with the whole tradgey. xxxx

April - posted on 10/03/2009

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My angel Christopher passed on March 11, 1994 from sids, at 3 months. At the time he was in a foster home (he had been for 1 1/2 months & I had not seen him for almost 2 weeks when the news was given to me...), as I was falsly accused of child abuse! It was later proven he has a brittle bone disease, which caused a skull fracture, 2 leg fractures (from just changing his diaper!!), a fractured finger & who knows what else we didn't find! I really wasn't allowed to greive, as I was actually put through an almost year-long court battle to prove my innocence (as I did!!) To top things off, I got pregnant again right away with my daughter (now 14 1/2) due on Christopher's birthday, January 4th!!!! (She actually came a few days later on the 7th..) I had to just take things day to day for awhile, with my marriage breaking up a year & a half later, and getting into a "rebound relationship" when my daughter was 3 1/2, resulting in another pregnancy!! Every day that I look at my daughters, I think of my son...watching over us, loving us from God's arms...!

No, the hurt & pain does not go away (I am crying like crazy now writing this!!!), but I think you learn how to handle it better...especially when you have other children & you are the only parent in the household.

Just like Katy, I too send ballons to my Christopher on his birthday. But my other kids & I do it together. You do not ever want to hide something like this from the world (I found out the hard way!) but CELEBRATE your angel!!! They were a blessing for the short time they were with us, and will never be forgotten!

Sorry for the book, but I felt I had to share my story & hopefully this has been helpful!!!



April

Alice - posted on 09/22/2009

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Dear Tabitha I'm Sorry To Hear About Your Loss I Too Lost My Daughter To SIDS Danielle Was 2 Weeks Old When She Flew Up To Heaven It Has Been 17 Years Since We Lost Her Though It Does Get Easier The Pain Will Never Truly Go Away I Have Since Been Blessed With 2 More Girls One Being Born The Day Before Danielles 1 Year Heaven Date I Wish You Luck On Having Tubal Reversed My Thoughts And Prayers Will Be With You And I Hope All Works Out For You..... When My 2nd Daughter Was Born She Was Put On An Apnea Monitor To Watch For Signs Of SIDS Happening Again Good Luck......

Alice

Tamara - posted on 09/22/2009

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I hope it is a success. And can be blessed with as many kids as you want. My ex-husband decided that I could handle the birth and afterwards by myself so he didn't have to worry about it.

Tabitha - posted on 09/22/2009

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I'm sorry for your loss also. Yes I am very happy that I got pictures and got to enjoy him for a short period of time. Your right I am finding help with prayer. Sometimes that's all I can do is pray for strength and comfort. I know time will heal its just so hard as you know when you miss them so much. I was told that you either make it as a couple or it breaks you. My husband and I are great but I can truly see how it can tear a couple apart. I am having a tubal reversal in 3 weeks and I'm hoping We will be given another chance. Lots thoughts and prayers these days.

Tamara - posted on 09/22/2009

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Tabitha, first of all pray about it, it really does help. And having lost my son 8 1/2 years ago, the aching will never go away, and you will never forget. But, the saying that time heals is true to a certain point. I have days that are good and for the most part I have good weeks and months, But something as simple as hearing someone talk about an experience they have had or seeing something on TV, still bothers me or I just feel like crying all day. The father and I are no longer together the death of our son really took a toll on us even after having our daughter. However, my fiance is wonderful and on my bad days he is very supportive and always there to listen. My son had what they call anencephaly. So be thankful that he was healthy what time you did have with him, I was never allowed to take pictures of my son.

Katy - posted on 09/21/2009

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Tabitha, I have read some of the other responses to your plea and I agree with them all, I am a SIDS mom too, my little girl Brittani was almost 3 months old when she made her journey to heaven and left me here with no answers and full of pain and anger. I will tell you that I blamed myself for many years and still to this day catch myself wondering "what if". My daughter turned 20 in July and each and every year I buy her bright beautiful ballons for every birthday that she has been with God and every October I send up white ones for the years that she has been gone from me. This is what I do to cope, I also don't let anyone forget her, she was born and she lived even if it was for such a short while she was here. Please don't let anyone tell you how to feel or what stage of grief you should be in, counselors are great and so are support groups..but only you know how you feel and where you are at in your life. Blessings to you and your family. PS.It is ok to be mad at God, he has big shoulders, you haven't lost your faith by being mad at him and he can take it...I know I gave him holy hell for many years.

Tiffanny - posted on 09/20/2009

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I also know the devastation this event brings to a mother. I was 19 and my son was 4 1/2 months old and I went to wake him at 2 am to head over to San Fransisco Shriners just for club foot surgery when I discovered. It has been 15 years almost and I have two sons since but the whole thing was terrible and unbelievable and at times still is almost too much, usually around his birthday for me. Just breathe through each day and let go of any anger towards god which is still what I battle with as he should not have left before me! I am thankful though that his passing allowed me a monitor that caught my next son from passing as he was premie so my Isaiah truly has been our angel watching over us. Find your way to cope and good luck with the tubal reversal. It's funny after all this time I can read these and it still chokes me up ya know. But I almost never run into anyone that truly understands the loss so this is helpful. I hated hearing now you have a daughter to think about who at the time was 2 because it to my ears sounded like you have another one you need to get over it. That however of course wasn't the case but I was 19 and extremely sad, depressed, confused and angry. Let me tell you though I will never say to a grieving person anything to do with be greatful for what you have as now I can see where that may lead. I will now feel sorrow in the absense of the person who has left and express my condolences in that manner. Sorry for babbling and I hope you got something from my jibberish :)

Naomi - posted on 09/14/2009

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I will pray God is with you for your tubal reversal. I to lost a son to sids almost 16 years ago, it gets easier, but you never get over it. We had another child and used a monitor it was the longest year of my life. He never got to sleep with out me touching him constantly to check on him. But the monitor did truley help ease the stress and woryy alittle bit.

Tonya - posted on 09/13/2009

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Tabitha, I am hoping all goes well for you in Oct. God is working for you to be happy again!

Tonya - posted on 09/13/2009

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Hi Tabitha,

I truly feel your pain, as I had shared with some other grieving mothers. I agree with Cindy below, and also, is it an option to have your tubes untied? I have heard successfull stories of women doing this. Even men can have their vas. undone! So, maybe you could spend time finding that out. If its not an option, consider all of the babies and children that need forever loving parents. That was difficult for my husband, that I was willing to adopt, if couldn't get pregnant. It worked out that way for my brother and his wife, and they have beautiful children, a girl from Hawaii, and a son who is part Mexican. These two little ones look like sister and brother! God is Good! And, he will answer your prayers in His way and His Time, in the meanwhile He is preparing your husband and you for an answer you can't dream or imagine!

Have Hope

Tonya

Tabitha - posted on 09/13/2009

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That poem is perfect. I try and remember that he was beautiful and perfect. I know he is safe and happy and watching over us. I just wish he was in my arms again. I am getting my tubes reversed in Oct. and I hope we can have another baby. My arms need it and of coarse my heart. I worry bout that too that it could happen again. Some Iv'e heard use monitors. I know from my first son being on them that they don't help with SIDS but may give a little comfort. I want another baby but have that fear. I know I can't go threw this again. Congrats. on the new baby hold them tight. I hope that will be me next year.

Jasmine - posted on 09/13/2009

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I am extremely sorry for your loss. We lost our son 2yrs ago now, he was 5 months old..I had him on my 21st birthday and thought we would have it forever to share, now my birthday is one of the worst days..we thought he passed from SIDS but later found he had silent Pneumonia, we both were sick for a while and we went to doctors just 3 days before it happened..The day still plays over in my mind! You just need to use the help that is offered to you by family, friends and professionals, i only went to 1 session of counselling but helped more than i thought it would. I cant imagine how you would be feeling after having tubes tied, as i just had a baby 2 weeks ago but i am constantly stressing something bad is going to happen.. Please let people be there for you and not push them away as hard as it may seem now, time wont heal the pain but you will find easier ways to cope with it, just know your beautiful little man is now a angel looking down on you, and will remain with you and in your heart..
When our boy passed we were given a teddy with a poem (i have on dash in my car)..and it reads.. " An Angel wrote in the book of life your baby's date of birth, and whispered as as he closed the book, Too beautiful for this earth".
Keep going love you will get through this hard time..My thoughts are with you.

Lynnette - posted on 09/12/2009

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I am so sorry. My son was 7 weeks old when he died from SIDS. I would like to tell you that you will get over it, but I can't. My son died 34 years ago and I still miss him. Talk to your partner, your friends, a minister, your mom, anyone who will listen. It is ok to miss your son. I think the "why" is the hardest part to comprehend. They are perfectly healthy and then they are gone. I never could wrap myself around that one. What you must not do is blame yourself. That is the hard part. Again I am so sorry for your loss, I do feel your pain and in time it will lessen. I know you think that will never happen but it will. Speak to your doctor when you are ready about the tying of your tubes, they might be able to change that. God Bless you and my he help you to deal with your loss.

Angela - posted on 09/12/2009

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My 8 month old daughter passed of SIDS almost 7 months ago. Everyday is struggle. I keep reliving the day she passed in my head. If she would have been home with me that day I truly believe she would still be alive today. So many things could have been done differently. My body aches also. There are days when i think I can't go on. But God is easing the pain. I pray that God gives you strength to endure. If you ever need to talk just email me.

Veronica - posted on 09/11/2009

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What you feel is normal and part of the grieving process. I lost my son 3 years ago (he was 7) , I still miss him terribly. Not being able to hug or kiss him drives me crazy!!! I hate to tell you that the pain doesn't go away...you just learn to live with it. There will be days you 'll feel your going crazy. God has been my strength thru this difficult time. i agree with you...nothing makes sense... so Tabitha...try not to ask questions you know there are no answers to. I almost drove myself nuts doing so!!! I wish you lots of peace in your heart. May the Lord fill the void Asher left in your heart!

Lori - posted on 09/11/2009

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I understand completely. I lost my baby 6 years ago to SIDS. It is so hard to make sense of it. He was perfectly healthy too. I still miss him and I think about him every day. I am here to talk if you need me. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this.

Tabitha - posted on 09/10/2009

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Thank you everyone for responding. Its nice to see other people know what I am feeling and I'm not alone. I'm starting to think I'm ready for support groups. My pain is so bad but it breaks my heart all you moms are going through this too. No one deserves this kind of pain.

Jenny - posted on 09/10/2009

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I am so sorry for your loss I lost my son at 3 1/2 months also to bronchial pneumonia but mine was the dr.'s fault for not caring for them 3 1/2 months and I also got my tubes tide after I had him and really wish I didn't now you will find yourself crying over small things for a while and then it will get a little easier as time goes on but it will always hurt like nothing ever could if you need anyone to talk to that will listen I am always here for you to talk to

Sandi - posted on 09/09/2009

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Tabitha: I am very sorry to hear of your loss. I wish that I could tell you that those feelings go away, but they do not. It does get a little easier as time goes by. I lost my 4.5 month old daughter almost 17 years ago and I have good days and bad days. I also had my tubes tied right after her birth, so I can relate. The most important thing to remember is your strength in faith. Prayers and talking to people are extremely important as well. I moved to another state shortly after my daughters death and had no support system. Make sure you talk about your feelings. Most cities have support groups for every situation and every addiction.... you should contact your local hospital and see if they have a support group. Good luck to you and God Bless you.....you will be in my thoughts and prayers.....Sandi

Donna - posted on 09/09/2009

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I am so sorry for the loss of your little boy :( Life is so cruel. I lost my little girl 19months ago to stillbirth. I wish I could take your pain away *hugs* x x x

Mary - posted on 09/08/2009

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I'm so sorry for your loss honey. Take it one day at a time and try to get your feelings out when you feel the need... My mistake was trying to force myself to try to be "normal" again and that set me back so much... I'll pray for you honey. This is a very difficult time and you will have regrets, place blame, and be mad at people.... if these feelings start to get out of your control, you should try to find a grief counselor... Mine helped me really work through my issues... I'm here to talk if you need someone just to vent to...

Cindy - posted on 09/08/2009

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Tabitha, I'm so sorry for your loss...I wish there was something I could say that would bring an instant relief to your pain...but having been in your shoes I know there isn't. My hope for you is that you lean on God...pray for help in getting thru each and every day. He also knows the pain of having His son die. As for the body aching to hold your son....I don't know how long that lasts...my son went to heaven a little over 6 months ago and my arms still ache to hold him...I don't know that that feeling will ever go away...cause in holding other babies...it doesn't ease that ache. I'm sure it's an ache that only my son will be able to fill when I see him again in heaven.

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