Did I make the right choice?

Annie - posted on 06/04/2009

Thank you for you support.. Its so good to talk to people that understand how I feel

Sabrina - posted on 06/04/2009

Annie, I understand your anger. For years I was so angry at myself that my daughter died. She was still born at 38 weeks. All I wanted, instead of looking at my daughter in my arms, that looked like she was sleeping, was a child that I could hold forever. I was angry for a very long time. 11 years have passed, and I am not angry at myself anymore. There were reasons behind her death that could of been prevented. But an autopsy was never preformed. So we do not know, if there was anything wrong with her. I still kick myself for that everyday. If Lacie would of made it, which she had no oxygen for over an hour, she would of been on life support. And I know, I would of had to face the same decisions that you did. Taking her off of life support. I cannot say, that I know exactly how I would of reacted, but I am sure I would of taken her off of life support. I wish there was something that we could all do to change our events, as they have folded out. If you need anything at all, please let me know.

Libby - posted on 06/03/2009

Wow Drea, thanks for being so courageous to type that last sentence about being angry that others got a miracle and you didn't. I have felt that way so many times. Annie, I too have wondered what more I could've done. My daughter was still born at 20 weeks and since it was my body that failed her I hold a lot of guilty and responsibility that there wasn't anything I could do to stop it. I couldn't even get far enough in her pregnancy to give her some sort of chance at life. You will always wonder what if. Maybe less and less as time goes by. But there will always be something that reminds you and you feel like maybe you could've done more. Like for example I have seen two instances since my daughter passed of babies that had surgery while still in the womb. Why wasn't there something that medical science could've done to fix my child before she had to die? There's all those things that we will always wonder, but we can't change. Just keep moving forward and try not to regret any decisions. Being a mom is so hard! Don't make it any harder on yourself.

Annie - posted on 06/03/2009

I get angry sometimes too.. I know its wrong but I just wish something could have happened.. It blows my mind that there was nothing the doctors could have done for Jacob.. Or that there was nothing I could have done to keep him safe.. I get so angry at myself that I couldnt protect him.. Its driving me insane.

SAMANTHA - posted on 06/02/2009

YES YOU MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE, YOU ARE HIS MOTHER AND YOU KNEW WHAT WAS BEST. MIRACLES USUALLY ONLY HAPPEN IN MOVIES. I REMEBER ON OUR WAY TO THE HOSPITAL THAT MORNING AFTER THE PARAMEDICS TOOK HER THINKING I NOW SHE IS BLUE BUT I AM GOING TO TAKE HER HOME TODAY, SHE IS GOING TO BE FINE, SHE WAS ... I WAS HOPING FOR THAT MIRACLE.. IT DIDN'T HAPPEN AND WE ALSO HAD TO MAKE THE CHOICE OF THEM TO KEEP ON TRYING OR NOT. WHEN I FEEL LIKE THAT I JUST REMEBER LOOKING AT HER TINY FACE AS SHE LOOKED SO MISERABLE WHILE THEY KEPT PUTTING TUBES IN HER AND THINK THAT IS WHY I DID THAT SHE IS MY BABY AND I DONT WANT HER TO SUFFER.

Drea - posted on 06/02/2009

I think that we as moms,who have lost a child, live with those questions that pop up.

Did I do everything possible, see a show where a mother chose to wait longer and then a miracle happens, Did I fight hard for my child....... the list goes on.

Your not wrong for thinking those questions. We as mothers are our toughest critic. We have this mother lion instinct to go to the ends of the earth for our children.

I still live with those questions even now. My second son was born Nov 14, 2007 and days later I had to make the choice of letting him go. Born before his lungs were ready and born with fetal non-immunse hydrops, the odds were against him. I kept fighting for him as long as his body and little heart could take.

That day was a bittersweet relief that my child would not be in pain.

You did what you felt was best for your child in a tough situation. Thats what you have to say to yourself when there are days like that. Be kind to yourself.

I had days when I became angry that someone got a miracle and I got a painful outcome( boy is that hard to write that or admit).

Hope this helps.