did you have a funeral???

Elizabeth - posted on 05/27/2009 ( 43 moms have responded )

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my son was born 3/10/04 and passes 4/14/04. i had a funeral for him and myself. it was a closed casket to save every one from having to see him lying there.many of the family had not met him yet because we live 8 hours apart.it would have been to hard on me and my husband he was our first child. i found out who i could count on after this happened. i guess it opened my eye to who i could lean on for support.

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Tonya - posted on 07/23/2009

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My twin daughter died 3 weeks ago at 5 days old. We had a funeral. Since we always planned to have her sister (Calleigh) have a pink crib and Kauri have a purple crib, the family members and some close friends all wore purple. At the end of the mass, the priest read the following poem that my sister-in-law found. I'd like to share it with all of you.

God, Take This Child.... By Nancy Scott



Sweet child whom we never really got to know,

It’s hard for us to let you go.

We waited and we wanted you.

We had so many dreams for you.



We think of smiles we'll never see.

We think of events that will never be.

There will be no first steps and no first teeth.

There is only a void and our own grief.



We planned to take you to places far and near.

We yearned to keep you safe and free from fear.

We hoped to show you much of your new world.

We wanted to teach you as your life unfurled.



It’s hard to understand why you, our baby, died.

We feel so numb right now, many tears we’ve cried.

We have so many questions and no answers seem to come.

We tried so hard to save you; nothing could be done.



God, we stand before you broken-hearted

and ask you to heal these lives that must be parted

from this little one we can no longer hold,

who will always be a part of us, even when we're old.)



God, take this child in your loving arms.

No more can she suffer any harm.

Bless her always and bless us too.

Be with us and help us to make it through

Amelia - posted on 05/29/2009

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I had a funeral for my son and had him cremated. We werent aloud to hi be being cremated it had to be done after hours until the cremating thing had cooled enough. But at the funneral they told me that we would be able to watch the car with his casset drive passed us where we were having the service so we could say goodbye and we couldnt even see the car most of the way and for the 20 seconds we saw it we couldnt see the casset in the back i still wonder to this day if he was even in there. I wish I had done my sons funeral so different because i regret so much of everything at my sons death and still have alot of questions that have no answers today.

Tiffany - posted on 03/20/2011

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we had a funeral sort of, my daughter was still born on Jan 6, 2011 she was 39 weeks and 6 days old when she was born. I have a four year old son so i didn't want him not to see her. We only invited those who really mattered and had an open casket just so those who wanted to see her could, i didn't want to take away the opportunity from people. After the grave site, we went to my families church and let go of balloons for her, this way my son could give her to the heaven. we let go on 6 purple balloons (we decided it was her favorite color) and gave everyone else pink and white balloons (these were left over from our baby shower for her)... it was very simple and beautiful and helped me help my son say goodbye to his baby sister

Connie - posted on 07/10/2009

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We had both of our son's cremated and tehy are both scattered at each of our family plots and we kept some of both their ashes here at home with us. Our son Thomas past at 6 month gestation on May 30, 2004 after I went into renal failure and almost died twice myself. He was our 3rd son. I was very ill after we lsot him and we decided it best for everyone that we have him cremated and a private scaterring of his ashes. Our local funeral home was so great at helping us thru sucha difficult time. Our 5th son Noah passed Nov. 25th 2008. I wazs 4 months along in my pregnancey and went in fo an ultrasound to find out he had passed away. I was in the office 3 days earlier and all was fine, so his loss was a huge schock. We did the same for him as we did for Thomas. They are both very much a part of our family and loved and missed very much. I am currently looking for a necklace to hold a bit of theer ashes so they are always close to my heart.

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Alison Christy RN - posted on 02/08/2013

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I am a nurse advocate and was contacted about burial resources for a stillborn child. Any thoughts?

Nicole - posted on 03/19/2011

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My sons were born 3/3/11 and both passed 3/4/11. We had a funeral and graveside for them. I had most my family there at the hospital with me, and my fiancees family too. We all got to hold them for short period of time before they passed.
We had over 70 people there at the funeral to help support us, even those that had not met the boys. Thanks to all of our friend and family that helped with funeral costs and headstones.

Christy - posted on 03/19/2011

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hello im sorry for your loss ..our son Angel was still born on october 14 2008 I went in for a routine check up and he was gone i was 22 weeks the docter told me I could go to the hospital and have him delivered right then but i wanted to go home and be with my other kids for a while so i decided i would come back to the hospital later that evening because we had just burried our oldest son at age 16 just 16 months before this i was completely devestated so when we got back to the hospital i was in labor for 8 hours all my family was there and everyone got to hold him and say good bye the hospital even took pictures for us ..they said we had three options we could have the hospital cremate him but we wouldnt get his ashes which right away we said no way he was our son and we could not do that ,our second option was to have the funeral home cremate him or we could bury him so we decided to have a service graveside for him my brother in law layed the carpet and got chairs for everyone to sit in he was awesome and alot of support for us ..we had a pastor come and say a few words and my sons fiancee read a peom for us .it was simple ,but very nice we played a few songs and then my husband and sons burried him ..and then we all went to my mother in laws to have a dinner ..I know what you mean about support .....

Jenny - posted on 07/23/2009

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yes I had a funeral he was born 3/30/00 and passed 7/25/00 it was also a closed casket although I had to go to the funeral home before they closed it because to ease my mind I had to make sure he was wearing the exact outfit I had for him and I wanted to put his favorite toy and the only cd that comforted him when he was sick in the casket with him but at the funeral I pretty much lost it they almost had to carry me out he wasnt my first born but explaining to a 4 year old and a 2 year old bubby wasnt coming home anymore was hard enough when I got to the funeral I lost it because all of my kids are my life and it was like a part of my life was taken from me and I didnt want to leave or lose that part or any part of my life so I thought if I stayed there I would wake up from a horrible nightmare

Katie - posted on 07/22/2009

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Unfortunately, My aunt passed away 3 days before my daughter.(cancer)(sids) We had a double funeral. My Little Sadie in one room and my Aunt in another. We didnt even think to have a closed casket. I am somewhat glad of that. She really looked like an angel! It has been 7 years& 11 months since that awful morning. And as hard as it is you have to keep going. This is something I have been dealing with for a long time. And I am Able to function...however, my husband cant move past it... Its has really been so hard... He moved out 4 days ago. This will be the first "death"anniversaey for her that I havn't been with him. I am spending that day doing something positive.... American Cancer Sicoity Walk for life...

Ann - posted on 07/21/2009

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My husband and I lost our fourth child in July of 2007, I was only 6 months pregnant but we felt that giving our child a funeral was the proper thing to do. My husband was my rock when this happened and still is to this day, we had a church yard service and it was beautiful. We go once a week to visit and make sure that his site is well taken care of. This has been the hardest thing that I have ever faced in my life and still to this day it hurts so much and I try and not let it show but it is hard some days. I am glade that I found this group.

Rebecca - posted on 07/12/2009

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Hi. Our daughter, Emma, was born 4-1-09 and passed away 4-27-09. We had a graveside ceremony with just our siblings,our other children, and our parents. We didn't want a huge thing with family that hadn't even met her.

User - posted on 07/12/2009

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We did not have a funeral. We had a gathering with family and friends. Elise was stillborn and I did not want anyone to talk about her like they know her. It worked out best for us that way.

Ruth - posted on 07/10/2009

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We had a 5 day funeral for our son. In our culture we take our people home, so we took my son back to my mums house on the Wednesday and had him open until the Friday, where we closed him and travelled 5 hours to where my husband is from. We had him open there for a couple of hours but had to close him again, as the hot weather was not good for him, and we didn't want people to remember him like that. We buried him on Sunday on top of my husbands grandmother - who he was raised by.

Brittney - posted on 06/26/2009

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i had a funeral. My sons was an open casket. The night before the funeral. They let me and my close family come in and hold him for one last time. I think helped me a little more. Then if I just had to close the casket on him.

[deleted account]

i had a funeral for my Samantha Rose. She was 3 and a half months when she passed away, and since all of my family except my sister had not meet her and live out of state, i had an open casket service at the funeral home so they could see her. we had the service and music and the went to the grave site for the burial. then my sister hosted a reception at her house. was a very sad day, but it was the first time in 5 years all my siblings and our mother could be together. was kind of bitter sweet.

Rebecca - posted on 06/22/2009

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Quoting kathleen:

i had a funeral n a wake for my daughter open casket cuz so many of the faimly n friends did not get to meet her i thought it would be right to have it open so they could all see her. i found her dead at 5 mins to seven jan 23rd and we had her wake n funeral jan 26th we had flowers n music lullabye songs that i dont think i can ever listen to again. and then we had a lunh to follow at her grandmas house. and yes this may sound distubin but i took pics of her that was the last time i was ever going to see her so i took the pics and alot of people showed up more then i thought would i am greatfull to all the people that showed up n all the help we got paying for her headstone.and i got her tattoed on my upper arm and i have a candle with pictures of her thats my memorial for her. her father is also going to get a tattoo but her name not a pic.



Sweetie, that is not disturbing at all.  My experience is a little different to yours, my son was stillborn, but my most prized possessions are the photos that we have of him.  We were fortunate enough to have a professional photographer (our doctor's wife) come and take photos of us with Noah the day he was born.  Our widwife took photos of holding him immediately after he was born and we also took photos of him in his casket at the viewing, all of which are very precious to us.



I understand that for some people, seeing photos of our dead children is very confronting, but don't let anyone tell you that it is disturbing, or wrong, or unhealthy, or any other term they may choose.  If they feel that way, it is most probably because they are lucky enough to not know what it feels like to lose a child, and they cannot imagine the void that we feel in our lives and the desperate need that we have to hang on to all memories that we have of the short lives of our babies.



My husband and I are both planning to get tattoos in memory of our son too.



In reply to the original question, yes, we had a funeral and wake for Noah.  We were fortunate to have a very understanding minister who was very mindful of what we wanted and needed, despite the fact that neither my husband or I are very religious.  We had a closed casket and bought two little puppy teddies that sat on top, but we had a viewing for family who wanted to see him.  It was a horrible, horrible day, but it was (considering the circumstances) how we wanted it to be, and I'm glad that we were supported by family and friends who respected our wishes.

Kathleen - posted on 06/21/2009

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i had a funeral n a wake for my daughter open casket cuz so many of the faimly n friends did not get to meet her i thought it would be right to have it open so they could all see her. i found her dead at 5 mins to seven jan 23rd and we had her wake n funeral jan 26th we had flowers n music lullabye songs that i dont think i can ever listen to again. and then we had a lunh to follow at her grandmas house. and yes this may sound distubin but i took pics of her that was the last time i was ever going to see her so i took the pics and alot of people showed up more then i thought would i am greatfull to all the people that showed up n all the help we got paying for her headstone.and i got her tattoed on my upper arm and i have a candle with pictures of her thats my memorial for her. her father is also going to get a tattoo but her name not a pic.

Janice - posted on 06/19/2009

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My baby was born on May 28, 1990, and died on June 25,1990. I had a graveside service, since she was only 27 days old. I found out just how insensitive some people can be in reference to the death of a child. They say things like, "You can have another baby." Well, you want the baby that died. Right? Who's really concentrating on having another baby at the moment your child has died? I guess many people are just ignorant on this subject. An amazing thing that happened later, was that my second daughter was born on the same day as my first baby, which was Labor Day. They don't have the same birth dates, but they share the fact that they were born on the same holiday. Also, the circumstances surrounding my labor and their births were almost identical!

Janice - posted on 06/19/2009

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My baby was born on May 28, 1990, and died on June 25,1990. I had a graveside service, since she was only 27 days old. I found out just how insensitive some people can be in reference to the death of a child. They say things like, "You can have another baby." Well, you want the baby that died. Right? Who's really concentrating on having another baby at the moment your child has died? I guess many people are just ignorant on this subject. An amazing thing that happened later, was that my second daughter was born on the same day as my first baby, which was Labor Day. They don't have the same birth dates, but they share the fact that they were born on the same holiday. Also, the circumstances surrounding my labor and their births were almost identical!

Sara - posted on 06/18/2009

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Our first son was stillborn and we had a funeral and graveside service for him. It was amazing how many people showed up for the service. And so many of our friends had lost babies either through miscarriage or stillbirth that I did not know until we had James. I think it helped our whole family and friends deal with the loss as well as us. They could say good-bye to a baby they were expecting to get to know too. At the graveside service, we all wrote things down on cards, like things we would love to have shown him or what we were feeling and put them in the casket with him. I think having the funeral gave me the realization and closure that I needed. I was still in a daze from the whole experience, but I am glad we did have a funeral. We even taped it and I finally got the nerve to watch it about a year ago, more out of I couldn't remember what was said by the preacher. I am so glad to have that as another piece of my little boy's short time with us. I love having a place to visit and leave flowers and toys. And our family can have a place to grieve for him too.

Tara - posted on 06/17/2009

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My son was born on aug 20 2003 and pass away on september 12 2003. we had a funeral for him with a casket and preacher and songs the whole work. we had one day visitation and then the funeral the next day. There were over 200 people to sign the guest book. it was open casket and we had pictures of him up everywhere. the songs I can only imagne and go rest high on the mountain was played. there was a car to carry he casket to the grave side and he has 4 parbearer. at the grave a women that goes to church with us sang amazing grace it was beautiful. I am very glad we had it. He is buried on mine and my husband plot. he has his on tombstone. I am glad that we did the way we did it, Everybody got to see that ryan was just a baby. who gone to be with God.

Hope - posted on 06/08/2009

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I must say Elizabeth, I regret not having a funeral for my son. My boyfriend made the decision, to let the hospital donate his body to research, which later on we found out he was cremated. My boyfriend knew he could not handle the who funeral thing with my son who was only 21 1/2 weeks at gestational. I kind of understand where he came from, but I was too sick in the hospital to make that decision and he did not know if he could afford it.

Heather - posted on 06/08/2009

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My son Blake was stillborn May 8, 2009 it was 12 days before he was due. My husband and I spent hours with him after he was born and a close friend got to see him as she was with us through labor. None of our family got to meet him as we are in CA with military and we are from Iowa. We decided to have him cremated because it was far easier to travel that way. We wanted a funeral, it was more for us. Until the funeral we seemed to just be in a fog. We showed a picture of him, that I look at everyday. I still think how beautiful he was. We also had his urn there..it was heart shaped with heart shaped wreath of blue tipped white roses. Family and friends also sent flowers...I didnt expect that. His funeral had far more people than we expected. My favorite song of the funeral is one we chose it is 'Slipped Away' by Avril Lavingne. The minister said words at the grave also and when everyone else proceeded back to the church and my brother took our two year old. We placed his urn in the ground and took our own time to say goodbye. After we had a luncheon...to see everyone we only see once a year or less...be there for us was amazing. We are so glad we did what we wanted.

Brandi - posted on 06/08/2009

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Hello, my baby boy was born on March 30, 2009 at home in my bathroom. And passed away May 15, 2009 at home. We didn't have a funeral because we wouldn't put him in the ground. But we had a viewing/showing at the funeral home with him laying in his Winnie the pooh bassinet. But he now rests up n our mantel of the fireplace at home with mommy and daddy. He was our first baby together, and I have a six year old boy from previous relationship. If you would like to talk about anything I will listen, it helps a little bit.

Angela - posted on 06/06/2009

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My daughter Angel was 8 months old when she passed. We had a grave site service for her. We took her back to my hometown and buried her in the same graveyard my father is buried in. Most of my family hadn't seen her. We decided to have an open casket. I wanted everyone to see what a beautiful baby she was. There were well over 50 people to say goodbye to our Angel. She touched alot of lives in her 8 months. Like Tammy, I talk to my Angel each and every day. I miss her so much.

Tammy - posted on 06/03/2009

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Hello I had a funeral for my daughter (Tamika), she was born on the 5 October 2007 and passed away on the 27 December 2007. We put Tamika is a bassinette for family and close friends to say theirs goodbye.But hardest thing I found my trying to look after the older children in the family which gave me something to get up in the mornings. Most of my family didnt meet her when she was alive, so we thought it was a good idea. Tamika was cremetated and I have her ashes with me at home everytime we go away she comes along. I fell pregnant straight away my baby was due on her birthday but lucky he came out a week early. I talk to Tamika every day and nite Christmas are so hard.............

Maryann - posted on 06/03/2009

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I did have a funeral .I lost my second child my son to still birth in 2002.His casket was home made by a family friend and I just dressed him like a normal baby in his little bunny suit and his blanket with his little teddy bears and white roses.We had the funeral at home and got a priest to bless him, everyone who attended got to hold him, from the young to the old.My family and friends were so supportive in my time of grief.My brother in law dedicated his grave before we laid him to rest.It's been 7 years now and I still think of him everyday.

L - posted on 05/31/2009

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We chose not have a funeral. I had twins and knew one had passed at about 20 weeks. The other twin was born preemie at 26 weeks. When asked what to do about the other twin we decided to have the hospital handle the remains. When our preemie died 15 days later, it didn't seem right to have a service for one and not the other. We had our son cremated and have his ashes in a special urn with both of their names on it. Originally I wanted to have a private memorial for them with just our family, but it seemed so final I couldn't do it. I know what you mean about finding out who your support is. We learned we have very good neighbors and my in-laws really stepped up to the plate. Strangely enough I felt I could rely more on my mother-in-law than my own mother!

Jessyca - posted on 05/29/2009

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i had my son april 3rd 2009 ! i was 23 weeks when i delivered but he had passed at 22 weeks! we had him a memorial he was cremated and i were a necklace with some of his ashes in it ! thats helps me so much

Jennifer - posted on 05/29/2009

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my second daughter was stillborn and we had a graveside service for her, closed casket. The funeral home did most of the work, we just had our preacher say a few things and read her obituary over 50 ppl came and i couldn't believe it. A few ppl got to see her and hold her at the funeral but I had said good bye at the hospital and thought i was done. I regret that now, as i think back i wish i would have asked the funeral home if i could dress her, i had bought her a special dress b/c everything i had at home was hand me down and i didn't even get to see her in it. Also the hospital took a few pictures for me and i wish that i would have had some taken of me & her and her big sister looking back i shouldn't have cared what everyone else thought about the idea. Its about u and how u feel, no one else. Now she has a headstone that we keep decorated seasonally in Aug she would be 2 yrs old i can't believe it has been that long still seems like it was yesterday miss her everyday.

Lisa - posted on 05/29/2009

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We had a graveside service for our son. He is our firstborn and was stillborn. Some family met him in the hospital - we stayed with him there for two days after he was born. The service was closed casket as we had already said goodbye to him once we left the hospital and didn't think we could bear to see the changes in him as he had been through an autopsy and was being buried 8 days after his birth. The heavens opened up and poured down rain throughout the entire service which was fine by us. Although we are not particularly religious it did feel as though there were tears from above joining us in our sorrow. We organised the service for our son, it helped to know that there was at least one thing we had some control over. My husband even wrote and illustrated a small book to share with everyone, a book written from the point of view of our son to us, sharing some of the milestones that might have been. The first anniversary of his death also saw a day of solid rain, as though rememberance of his passing was also being marked from above. He would now be 2 and a 1/2. We are fortunate enough to have had another son who will grow up knowing about his big brother.

Karen - posted on 05/28/2009

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Thanks for sharing that, Ana-Leah. It sounds beautiful as well as sad. How wonderfully accepting the custom of kissing and touching the deceased sounds.

I also had a funeral for my one day old infant. He was our first child also, and only my husband, myself, and my sister were able to see him before he died. I remember realizing with horror that I would have to endur a funeral. I was only 21 at the time and so distraught about my son's death that I could not even fathom all that goes with arranging a funeral. My grandmother donated a plot for burial next to her own babies she lost, and my family all pitched in and bought the gravemarker. My aunt made all the arrangements for me (which I regret in hindsight) even down to picking his outfit and what to put on the stone. I asked them to cover his little casket in flowers so that I would not have to see it. There was no funeral at a church or funeral home, just at the grave. Thirty-one years tomorrow, and I still remember all the feelings like it was yesterday. :(

Ana-Leah - posted on 05/28/2009

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My second son Hinano was born August 18 2008. He was with us here for about half an hour. I am of mixed polynesian descent and it is customary to have a week long vigil with the deceased. We opted to have a one day funeral service and it was an open casket. My husband and I are not particularly religious and do not worship or practice in either of our families religions or any of our own but we had devotional services provided by both faiths'. Protecting the sensitivity of those who attended the funeral was never a consideration rather we wanted to keep in accordance to our cultures and also respect the different faiths' of our families. With that in mind, we also made sure that everything from his the date and time, clothes, the obituary, the casket, the program, the luncheon, anything, was exactly what WE wanted and not what everyone thought we should have, or how it is usually done. He was our son and we looked at it like it was our responsibility to ensure his final send off and presentation back to our creator. So when the funeral home resonated with hymns in my native tongue by the church congregation, I felt like the heavens opened up and we were in the presence of God. Truly! It still makes me cry when I recall that particular moment. We also kissed him, touched him, stroked his hair, our 3 year old repeatedly went up to kiss 'braddah' and we didn't stop him. He wasn't afraid, because we openly touched, held and showed affection for Hinano whether it was at the hospital, the viewing or the funeral service. It is also customary for my culture and my family but not for some of my husbands family and some of our friends. Nobody freaked out or recoiled or were repulsed by it, in fact so many were moved by the service. It was very surprising at the final viewing how almost everyone kissed our son and for many it was the first time they had ever touched a dead body. It's not like we forced anyone to, they were just moved to do so and their actions moved us. We adorned Hinano and the casket with the most fragrant leis. We also had a few traditional wreaths. His grandpa and his granddad were his pall bearers. My purpose in posting my experience was to hopefully offer a different insight into honoring family members when they die and non traditional funeral customs.

Michele - posted on 05/28/2009

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We had one...but like many of you, closed casket and only a couple people got to see Nick before he died. My parents lived out of town and so did most of my family. Because I had my twins so early (23 weeks), they both were in the NICU and not many people got to see them. We had just the service at the cemetary not at the church... just thinking about it makes me sad.

Sara - posted on 05/28/2009

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I know my son touched everyones heart, he is still thought about by everyone to this day and he should have been 2 n a half by now

Libby - posted on 05/28/2009

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We had a memorial. No one met our daughter either because she was stillborn. It was amazing though all the people who showed up at her memorial. I know they were there for us but I'd like to think that in some small way our daughter touched their lives.

Sara - posted on 05/28/2009

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I did have a funeral. I had a still born baby boy in 2007 and instead of the hospital arranging a funeral and him being buried in the hospital grounds, myself & my husband wanted to do the only one thing we could do for him & that was to arrange a funeral. We had a closed casket too but for the people who wanted to go see him I let them go to the chapel of rest. We were lucky enough to live close by to our famillies. We didn't have a load of flowers either and also didn't have a separate funeral car for the casket to be carried to church in as we thought this would be pointless as the casket was that small so he travelled with myself & his dad in a funeral car & my husband carried him in & out of the church. We had lots of family & friends there although no one knew my baby son they all felt for myself & my husband & went out of respect & care for us. He was also my first child & do what ever I can for him now that he is laid to rest

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