do you ever get over a baby when you have others?

Tracey - posted on 02/27/2009 ( 29 moms have responded )

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i lost my baby at 20 weeks pregnant and had courtney buried but i have since had 2 beautiful girls now 6 and 5. courtney was 8 years ago i some times think i am living in the past but how can you let go im so proud of my babies today but they could never replace my first should i just get on with my life and be gratfull for what i have got? i so carnt as just so hard 8 years later what happened to time is a great healer not for me.

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Nicole - posted on 03/02/2009

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i lost my daughter when she was almost 6 weeks old, (this was 5 years ago now) and i wasnt sure about it and my husband wasnt either but 2 years after her passing we had a very healthy baby girl and she is now 3. you never stop loving the child you lost because i sure havent it still is really hard for me time does not and will not heal all wounds. im learning this the hard way as are you. i still cry myself to sleep some times think if i had just done some thing different would she still be her? did she die in my arms? you know questions that cant be answered and its hard for me in that sence but i know that she i in a better place with my family that has passed over the many years but it is still hard to think that she would be 5 now.

i am sorry for your loss and i hope that what i have told you helps you even if it is just a little.

Brandy - posted on 03/02/2009

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Here's a poem that sums it up

A Different Child


A different child,
People notice
There’s a special glow around you.
You grow
Surrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy
In you mother and father’s eyes.

And if sometimes
Between the smiles
There’s a trace of tears,
One day
You’ll understand.
You’ll understand
There was once another child
A different child
Who was in their hopes and dreams.
That child will never out grow the baby clothes
That child will never keep them up at night
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.

May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious
How infinitely fragile
Is this life on earth.

One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother’s tears
Another father’s silent grief
Then you, and you alone
Will understand
And offer the greatest comfort.
When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them
With great compassion,
“I know how you feel.
I’m only here
Because my mother tried again.”

[deleted account]

You will never forget. I lost my first baby in 1994 and my second in 2002. I still think of my angel babies. My son who will soon be 10 knows about his brother and sister who are in heaven. My daughter who will soon be 4 doesnt quite understand it yet but when she is old enough we will let her know too that she has a brother and sister in heaven. Everytime their (my angel babies) birthday comes around we still celebrate it and acknowledge it. Your angel baby will always be a part of you and your family.

Jen - posted on 03/01/2009

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I lost two babies,one at 5 wks.& my son at 25 wks. (over 3 years ago). I still think of Aidan quite often,even though, I now have my 21 month old daughter Kylee. Time helps some,but, another baby never replaces the one you lost. Courtney is still your daughter and deserves to be remembered without feeling shame from what others think. I feel some comfort in knowing that as moms we have the advantage of having our babies grow inside us. All Courtney knew was your love & she will never feel any pain. Treasure the daughters you were blessed with on this earth,but,continue to love your precious angel. God Bless.

[deleted account]

After I lost my little girl at 37 weeks, I came across an incredible Mommy Blogger called Tertia (www.tertia.org). She's lost about 11 pregnancies, of which one little boy was born and lived for 5 days, and twins were stillborn at 20-something weeks. She's got a set of twins and is currently pregnant with another little boy. Despite her beautiful two, she frequently still talks about the other 11 pregnancies, and particularly about Ben and the twins.



Her experience, and mine, seems to be the same as hundreds of others I've come across through organisations like SANDS, which is: every child is unique and special. No-one and nothing can ever replace them, or make us forget them.



Our hearts will always remain broken because of that, but somehow, we all learn to live around the holes and the pain. We can still enjoy life, and appreciate our other children. We can still laugh and experience joy, but none of that really takes away the pain of losing a child. The best we can hope for is that we will be reunited with them in heaven one day, and that one day our family will once again be whole.



We all have good days, and bad days. Some days it hurts less, other days it feels like our loss was only yesterday and we weep and weep and weep. That's normal, and sadly, that is our lot in life now. Hang in there. Be gentle with yourself. Wishing you strength for the road ahead. God bless

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Jeri - posted on 03/19/2009

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I had a miscarriage in 1995, 2006 and in July of 2008  I lost my precious angel Matthew at 29 1/2 weeks.  We buried him and are currently waiting for his headstone to be placed on his grave.  I am expecting again in July of this year..a precious baby girl.  No matter what I will never forget my Matthew.  He will always be in my heart.  You never get over losing a baby.  It just gets a little easier with time.  I don't want to get over him.  When my baby girl gets older I will tell her all about her older brother and how hard he fought to stay with us.



You're not living in the past,  just loving something you lost in the past!

[deleted account]

I think of my three angel babies all time,the pain will become a little easier to deal with.But you could never replace the children you have lost

Shannon - posted on 03/15/2009

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No. I lost a baby two years ago at 22 wks and his name was Noah. I think of him everyday and my son Jacob still prayes for him every night. I have a 4 month old and since I had such a loss will not complain about the lack of sleep or anything else.

Mandy - posted on 03/15/2009

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Hi

I lost my little one through a complicated pregnancy - she would be turning 6 on the 24 March this year. I was 24 weeks pregnant at the time.



She will always be my 2nd daughter and is never forgotten, my eldest who is now 8 knows all about Amber, my youngest who is now 4 is learning about her.



Amber will always be a part of our lives - I cannot forget her. Some days are still much harder than others, but it is something that you learn to live with.



Enjoy your memories - your other 2 girls have a precious angel watching over them!



Mands

[deleted account]

There is a quote that I recite to myself when I get down. "I once held an angel in my arms." My son died 2 years ago at the age of 2 years 4 months. He had been diagnosed with leukemia at 4 months old and fought very hard for 2 years. We chose to stop treatment when he dveloped another form of leukemia, and were told that he only had a 5 percent chanc for a cure and a 90 percent chance of dying from organ cancer if we tried another bone marrow transplant.

These children are angels. Every one of them were here for a reason, no matter how short their time. They all achieved the goal that God sent them here for and went home again. You never get over it, but just think; God knew he was sending your child here for a short time and searched the whole world over for someone to love that child with all their heart and still be able to let go when the time came. He chose you. You are special.

Every one of us has held an angel in our arms, and although we all have to live with the loss and the pain it brings, we also get to live with the knowledge that we gave the ultimate sacrifice and God must certainly have a a special place in Heaven for all the Moms who have returned their Angel home.

Madeline - posted on 03/11/2009

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I think about the loss of my son from two different perspectives:



First, I would not have had the three wonderful daughters that I have now if it had not been for him. I am a very logical person and if events hadn't unfolded the way they did--my girls wouldn't have come into existence. I also feel that I am happy that I got to experience being pregnant with him and though he wasn't meant to live his life with us, at least I had that much. I learned a lot from that pregnancy--I had a lot of complications so I spent a lot of time on bed-rest, and I almost lost my life when his placenta tore off of my uterus. It was a very intense learning experience that I would never wish on another human being, but, I have come to view it as a gift. I definitely learned the value of life and that somethings are beyond our control.



The other way I look at it is:



I will never have another son. I had a tubal because I have three wonderful girls and don't have the resources for any more. Sometimes, I watch my husband playing with friends' little boys and my heart breaks. He was my first born and I think about him a lot--he'd be almost twelve years old now. Every year on the anniversary of his stillbirth my husband and I do something special and talk about him. Sometimes, I still cry. Ultimately, I know even if I had another boy I would still mourn him. I allow myself that  because I think it's healthy--I just don't let it consume me.

- posted on 03/10/2009

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I lost my 20 month old baby boy almost 8 years ago and I feel your pain (and now I have a 6 and 4 y.o.), kinda like your situation. Courtney will always be in your heart and you should NEVER let go of the past. Whenever people ask me how many kids I have, I would always reply 3 - even though my first baby is gone. My little girls know about their "big" brother and they know that he's in heaven. No baby can ever replace Courtney and she will always be a part of your family. Never let go.....God bless!

Pamela - posted on 03/07/2009

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Your child is always your child. Loved, treasured, remembered. Be greatful for what you have but don't feel guilty for loving your first.

Karah - posted on 03/06/2009

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I must agree with the others. You will never forget your angelbaby. When I got pregnant with my daughter almost 2 years after losing my son, I almost felt guilty because I was afraid that I would forget him, but I didnt and never will.




I dont think that time really "heals". I dont think any amount of time will ever heal the wound that I have, but time makes it easier(dont think thats the best choice of words). Makes it easier for you to come to terms with what happened when it isnt so fresh, I suppose.



I often look at my daughter and think that I should have a near 2 year old son to be her brother... Its hard and I dont know that it even really gets better.



I dont think that my words are of great wisom, but like most women who have lost, I completely understand how you feel. Hang in there momma.

RaeJean - posted on 03/06/2009

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I compleatly understand what you are saying. You don't get over it you just learn to live with the fact that they are in heaven watching over us.

 



 



Quoting Heidi:

No...I don't know what more I can say.This summer it will be 4years since my beautiful little girl became an angel she was 2year3months and 1week old and I have two other kids now a boy that's 3 and a little girl that's 1½....I do love my kids but they can never replace what I lost.She will always be missing for me.And I don't think I'll ever get over it but I have learned to live with it...





 

RaeJean - posted on 03/06/2009

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I understand. I lost my first pregnancy at 8 weeks and a month and a half later I became pregnant again and lost my daughter Maladie 2 1/2 hours after birth due to a CHD called HLHS. I am currently pregnant again and To this day have not forgotten or even thought about the little girl to be a replacement. You can never replace the loss because they are always a part of you, and you don't forget or get over it because they are always going to be a part of your heart.

Shavonne - posted on 03/05/2009

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You never really get over it. I have two daughters now 4 and 8. I still think about my middle daughter all of the time. I am thankful for the memories even if they are still hard because I never want to forget her and the wonderful 3 months we spent together. I like to think I have my own little angle in heaven looking down on me and showering me with blessings. If I find a dollar on the ground or swerve right in time to miss a car accadent I always look up and say thanks Kayla.

Susan - posted on 03/05/2009

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My babes were born 30 years ago (2 sets of twins 9 months apart).  I had two singlets after that (17 months apart) and I am very thankful to have them (and their older brother).  I don't dwell on the fact that their existence is because Faith, Hope, Myles, and David didn't survive.  I still fall apart on the twins' birthdays, and when my daughter named my first granddaughter Faith, I couldn't say her name for a year (after 6 years she's still 'the baby').  So, no, you never get over it and you never forget, but that doesn't mean you love the children who survived any less.  After all, can anyone say they love one child more than another? I can't.  And if you keep Courtney in your life, your other children will as well. Look at what my daughter did for me.  Someone will always remember the twins.

Ericka - posted on 03/04/2009

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I agree that no one could ever replace your little girl. My triplet girls were born at 24 1/2 weeks. We lost Lisa at 2 days old and Christina at 6 weeks. Their sister Samantha is going to be 5 in a few weeks and every day is a reminder of what we lost. I also grieve for what Samantha lost in being part of a triplet group and growing up together. We have not been able to have more children (miscarried at 7 weeks about a year and a half ago), so raising our daughter as an only child has been difficult--especially answering the question, "Is she your only child?".



I miss my daughters desperately, but remember daily how close I came to losing them all.



Let yourself grieve for your daughter, and embrace the blessing of your other kids...they will always be a part of you.



God bless you and your family.

Pixie - posted on 03/04/2009

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You will never forget, she is a part of you and always will be. I lost my daughter Ashley in 97, she was 3 days old. Since then I have had another baby in 99. He was born totally healthy with few complications, I have 2 older sons too, 21 and 14. I love all 3 more than anything but a part of me will always think of Ashley, she is a part of me. Just love your children, it's not living in the past to love someone. There is enough room in your heart to love all of your children.

[deleted account]

No...I don't know what more I can say.This summer it will be 4years since my beautiful little girl became an angel she was 2year3months and 1week old and I have two other kids now a boy that's 3 and a little girl that's 1½....I do love my kids but they can never replace what I lost.She will always be missing for me.And I don't think I'll ever get over it but I have learned to live with it...

Lora - posted on 03/04/2009

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i lost my son on August 5th 2001, I said I would never have anymore children, because my heart was so broken. But I now have a beautiful little girl that is turning 4yrs old. I promised that if I was given this chance to be a mommy again that I would be the best mommy. I think I have so far. Then in July 08 I miscarried, that was so hard. I think about my son everyday. It has gotten some easier but my heart still aches everyday. My daughter can never take my son's place, he was my first and always will be. I do thank God that he did give me the chance to carry him for 37 wks and 2 days. I knew him better than anyone, I have the memories of him kicking and flip flopping and the beautiful pictures. Any mommy that has lost a child you are in my prayers. that is what has kept me going, I know that my son is in heaven watching over me and waiting for me to come to home to him.

Kimboleen - posted on 03/04/2009

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my daughter is 1 now she's not dead yet but she's very sick. lost year febuary 3 days before valantines day she died for 20 mins. this year 1 day before valantines day she died for 11 mins. i my not have lost my child complity but i know how it fells. the doctors say to live every day like it's the last and that's what am holding on to. i know losing a child is not lik almost losing one but i know wht ur going through.not because u lost a child it's not ur job to forget. u never forget. it,s good for you to remember the good time u had with the child , remember he time when he are sh ws kicking in ur tummy are the fun u had watching it move around in there, are the fist time u see them in the screen. are how about the first time they cry , laugh are call ur name. that's the good time u remember. talk about ur baby with ur husband are boyfriend, tell ur kids how beautifull that baby was. u will fell alot better if u just forget about the what if's and what could have been if u just remember all the woundr full time u had. sorry for your lost, and remember god have a reason for everything.

Heather - posted on 03/02/2009

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history: 1st preg, my son now just shy of 7. 2nd preg, miscarriage 24 july 03. 3rd preg, my son now 4. 4th preg, daughter stillborn 26 july 08. 5th preg, due in sept. though i will never forget. i look at my second boy and it takes the pain away. i love him so much i can't picture my life without him. thats how i feel this time too. i'm carrying a special baby, who isn't a replacement, but just the one meant to be in our family.



is that odd? feeling that way?



i think everyone deals with death differently.

Brandy - posted on 03/02/2009

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I lost my son almost three years ago and I think about him every day! Certain times of the year are harder then others. I do have a healthy 1 year old who is keeping me up all hours of the night but I will never forget my first. I struggle with how easy others forget but find hope in knowing my children will know about their older brother and how important life is.

Bev - posted on 03/01/2009

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Tracey,  In my experience, you don't get over it, it just gets easier to deal with.  My son Michael Brandon died in 1982 at 13 hours old...to this day, 26 years later, not a day goes by that I don't think of him, and I still cry at the cemetary.  His death has shaped my life more than any other event in my 45 years, and even that of the four children I had after him...they have even named their children after him.  We have an angel waiting for us in heaven, and I believe he looks after all of us now.  Be patient with the healing process, you will NEVER get over it, but you will be able to cope with it.  God bless you and your family.

Amanda - posted on 02/27/2009

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it's hard i lost my son at 26 and half weeks pregnant it is hard but it will ease...no matter what you just have to take care of the beautiful children u have now. i hope it ease's for u . there's not a day that goes by that i don't think of my son marcus. it will be 1 year march 5...and on top of that i have my first born turning 2 march 24... i know it sounds mean but i try to look at it this way god may have taken your baby but now the children you have will always have an angel with them at all times.

Jennifer - posted on 02/27/2009

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Hi Tracey, it has been been 28 years since I lost my first child and I still think of her regularly. No child is supposed to b the replacement, they r all your children and always will b, time will dull the pain, but Courtney will always remain one of your children and u will love her just as you love your others. Its natural I think. Good luck for the future.

[deleted account]

Tracey, you are NEVER going to forget Courtney and a piece of your heart will always be for her. There's no shame in that and don't let anyone tell you that there is. Of coarse you are grateful for your other two girls but they don't/won't replace your angel. It's only been 2 1/2 years since I lost my angels Mason and Myles and I don't even try to replace them with Caiden and Connor, it would never work anyhow. 



    I just wanted to encourage you to embrace the memories of Courtney and let yourself miss her and love her. She was your baby, your first baby, and that will never change! God Bless.

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