Do you ever get through the death of you're child?

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NIna Nerissa - posted on 10/10/2012

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i honestly dont know if i can get through this.i just lost my baby last Sept 23,2012. In just 2 days she was born, its only less than a month and the pain and guilt grows more everyday.i don't know how to overcome this trials and to where i will get my strength because i still have to kids to take care of.

Cindy - posted on 06/09/2011

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Thank you Aimee for those great words.. it really touched my heart.I lost my son a 1 & 1/2 months ago, he was 14months old. I got to experience his 1st year and then some. He had a cold that lasted for about a week and the pediatrician said it was an upper respiratory infection and sent us home with some nasal spray and he said he would be better in 3-4 days, well he didn't get better and the day I was going to bring him back the drs office was closed so we went to the er cause he now had a fever that wasn't going down. They diagnosed him with 2 ear infections and gave him antibiotics and we were sent home. Later that night he was fine he went to sleep then all the sudden he didn't want to sleep anymore he was sweating and very weak (saddest moment of my life). We decided to bring him back to the hospital were they admitted him and he wouldn't stop crying, so i held him and held him but still he wouldn't stop crying. His fever finally went away but then he started having seizures and after that I never heard him crying again they put him on an oxygen tube because he was having a hard time breathing, after that everything started to fail, they later told me that his brain was swelling and that's why he wasn't responding to us they decided to give him some medicine and he started to squeeze my hand I thought in my head "YES it's working" but in some weird way I believe that was him just saying goodbye to us. I still have yet to get back any autopsy report so we still don't know what happened.I miss him so much!

Aimee - posted on 02/19/2010

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The year that I lost my daughter I was watching 7th Heaven and Lucy had lost her twins. Her dad Eric looked at her and said "Don't expect to get over it, there is no getting over a loss like that. Just expect to keep moving until it finds a place in your life it might take a lifetime and that's okay as long as you keep moving on." I couldnt of said it better myself! I think every breathe you take after the loss is you getting through it! Some days those breaths are short and shallow, espically at the beginning. And some days they are deep and relaxing. Just know that each day is a step some are forward.

Jill - posted on 01/27/2009

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I delivered a stillborn daughter in July 2003. I have tried a therapists and now medication just to allow me to raise my two sons. I have never thought of getting over her death, I am afraid to have more kids in fear of having another girl.I still have guilt of replacing her,I feel my body did not allow her to live and it tears me apart daily. I hate it when someone at the doctors office ask how many pregnancies. Then the look when you answer 3 pregnancies when you have only listed two kids. She was taken from me and I do not think I will ever let that go.

Paula - posted on 01/18/2009

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Hi all



debbie- can I ask what is noonans syndrome? I am not familiar with this.



was your husband wanting children again at first? I am having issues with mine...I want children very badly....and he does not.



 



my daughter died Nov 16th....so just 8 weeks now.



wow I can't beleive already 8 weeks.  I so want more children....does waiting help with husbands? are they just not really ready so soon as we are? 



does anyone have any suggestions about husbands and do they feel they can't get over it either and take longer to want kids again?



thanks

Debbie - posted on 01/18/2009

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Hi!



You do't get over the death of a child, at some point it might be easier to get up in the morning but you will never forgot nor should you.



We lost our son Hunter at 10 days old and we dont have a day or a birthday that we forget him we just treaure the fact that I was able to hold him in my belly for 8 months and that we were able to spend 10 days with him as well.



He passed away from what the dr's feel not sure he had Noonans Syndrome and it affected his heart valves.



if you need to talk I am here. We have a 3 and a half yr old and a 4 month old son if you were to ask me back then if we would have had more kids I would have said No its not possible.

Paula - posted on 01/16/2009

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HI all



yvonne...I am sorry you have had to live this twice...plus with it being a medical negligence...how horrible for you.   I would do the same in your shoes...yes it won't bring her back but it may bring closure for you....somehow.



I often wonder the same is there was something medical we missed...did the docters really do all they were suppose to.



maybe when I get the autopsy results...I might know.



 



take care

Paula - posted on 01/16/2009

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HI all



yvonne...I am sorry you have had to live this twice...plus with it being a medical negligence...how horrible for you.   I would do the same in your shoes...yes it won't bring her back but it may bring closure for you....somehow.



I often wonder the same is there was something medical we missed...did the docters really do all they were suppose to.



maybe when I get the autopsy results...I might know.



 



take care

Yvonne - posted on 01/16/2009

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You don't ever get over the loss of a child, but you live with it.
I lost a lil boy when i was 21, due to massive complications and have just recently (back in November) lost my daughter through medical negligence. Right now I am still processing it in my head and this may sound weird but i don't feel like anytime has passed since just before it was discovered that she had died.
Life is hell most days and I still can't bring myself to empty the room that was for her nor to even look at the photo's I have of her, then to top iot all off it took a complaint to the ombudsman to get her birth registered. I am suing the hospital in question but nothing will ever bring her back.
I miss her like crazy, my son keeps asking when she is coming home, I have explained it to him but he doesn't quite grasp the fact that she's gone which makes it even harder.
After i lost my first one, it took nearly 18mths before i could even step out of the house, and whilst its not so bad this time i'm going out as much as i can to get away from my daughters room.
So no you never get over it as such, but eventually you find ways to deal with it if I didn't have my son i wuld be a complete mess.

[deleted account]

I would like  something about the cemetrey with you all. I hear you all say about it being cold.. Well I dont see it liike that I did but my 12 yr old use to say...... Mommy can we go to the flowers... Ya the flowers that is what she called the cemetrey. My son passed away on Dec 2 96 and my daughter Jennifer was born on Dec 3 96 he was  3yrs and she was what  kept me going.. She and I talked from the day she was born And I think that she has  learn alot about death and she is stronger then I ever imagined.



She was able to see the good in the coldest place on earth flowers think about it they are everywhere you look while there.....



 



 



 

Joni - posted on 01/16/2009

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thanks paula, it helps to have someone understand and tell me that iam not a bad mom, iam tring hard to brlieve it, thanks for your kind words.

Lisa - posted on 01/16/2009

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I also totally get it about the cold ground. I could not go there at all until the spring. I still have a hard time visiting the cemetary. I had terrible guilt over that, feeling like I had just abandoned my child, and then someone said to me...do you know the percentage of people who go to the cemetary to visit their loved ones, I replied no, and she said neither do I, but what we both know is that some do, and some do not. It is for the living not the deceased, and if it does not help you, you do not need to go there.

My daughter is with me everyday....whether I go there or not.

I know about the guilt of feeling like you could have done something to change things too, but we are moms, fierce protectors of our children, and if there is anything that could have been done, we would have done it. I had a stillbirth of a perfectly healthy baby girl whose shoulders got stuck, and there are still days that I think if I had only pushed harder, then I have to remind myself that if I could have done anything to change this outcome I would have.....it was not me.

I do agree that we all have a life story and this is mine. I may think it sucks, but God is not done with me yet.

Lisa - posted on 01/16/2009

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I agree with the comments about the pictures. I had a stillbirth about a year and a half ago, and I treasure those pictures. It is really the only proof that I have that she was actually here. I have found with time, the tears have become more infrequent, but a part of you is missing. I am not sure if that feeling will ever go away.

Brenda - posted on 01/16/2009

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It is hard to even imagine but you do go on. You will always remember and think about your child but you learn to cope and move on. I miss my daughter every day. It has been almost 5 years and sometimes it feels just like yesterday that she was here and then at other times it feels like decades since I last saw her. Talking about your child helps. I found the more I talked of her it helped me to realize that she is and always will be a part of our family. Our family is missing a ling to the chain - but someday in heaven our family chain will be all connected again.

[deleted account]

I lost my first born son in 1996 to Long Qt and it effects you everyday but in a different way as time goes on. This passed Dec was 12 years and I find that there are days that suck and days that rock..... This passed year a close friend had her baby 6 weeks early I lent him one of Nicolas' specail toys that toy had never moved from were it was in our room none of my kids ever got to so much as touch it....well My friends little one (born at 2lbs 5 oz) came home 28 days later ( I know Nicolas helpoed that happen) a few weeks later when my friends little choked and end up back in hospital she asked can we have B2 again sure you can.... Ethan is now a happy health 7m old..... I also tell people I ALWAYS have someone to talk to.....



Jan 4 was nicolas' 15 birthday and that was a hard day but I am learning to make the best of it.

Cherri - posted on 01/16/2009

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No. A bereaved parent never gets over the loss of a child, but we do get through it, with a lot of time, more time, support, understanding, compassion, more time, trial and error, setting boundaries for ourselves and others, putting ourselves first in order to survive, allowing ourselves to feel what we must feel, and the biggest thing that helps me is... I get through it with the guidance of my son's spiritual presence in my life.

Paula - posted on 01/15/2009

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HI All-



Joni....oh my dear you are not to blame at all...please don't put that on you....that is too much baggage to carry.   I know what you mean about wanting to be there next to you baby while they are working on them....I had the same experience....I was told they were prepping her for a CT scan cause she was having problems and they wanted to know how things were compared to the MRI the day before....they said we have to entubate....so of course moms can't be in the room when they do that.



little do they know I entubate all the time....but on animals...so it would not have bothered me.



after such a  long time....they sent someone out to tell me things were not going well.



I paced the hall wanting to go in...wanting to be near her.  I should have barged in....should have cause I could have seen her alive at least for awhile...before she left....cause by the time they let me in....they had tried everything to keep her alive and now she was so swollen...bruised from CPR....and belly all swollen out like a bad beer gut....



she didn't look like my baby....so different....they said it was the meds....she reacted to...plus the CPR....bruising her chest.



so Joni....don't blame yourself....you had just given birth....you said you kissed him and told him you loved him....he knows.



they are connected to you more than you think....a baby has a bond with its mom....so no matter if you were in the other room....he knew you were their praying for him....loving him.



the docters don't want us around....cause thgey know we will go hysterical....wanting to get in the way....I know....it doens't help us moms who want to be near them.



your baby felt your love....don't you worry....you are not a bad mom.



 



dear kate- wow I didn't know they could get viruses like that while we remain non ill.....how scary....now it seems we have to avoid all contact with sick people.....this is sad.



 



kelly



pregnant women know that losing a baby as a miscarriage is the same as any other loss....yet it is society....people who have not lost a baby that thinks its like bumping a toe....I know.  women have no time off....are expected to return to work soon after, no service is made and people don't acknowledge it at all.....its not fair.



thanks



 



 

Kelly - posted on 01/15/2009

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I am a mother of 7, raising 2. Of my 5 miscarriages, I lost them all between 6-8 weeks, except my Daniel at 16 weeks. I got to hold him and have pictures taken of my husband and I holding him, we got his tiny little footprints, which were only as big as the first segment on my pinkie. He was 6inches long, 2 1/2 ounces. Just days before my routine dr. appointment, I felt him move for the first time, at the same time as Elizabeth and Mary did while my husband and I were at the movie theater watching THE NATIVITY STORY . It was so awesome! I look back now and realize what a gift that was, because 2 days later I was being told that his heart had stopped beating. I couldn't believe it. That was 2 years ago this last Dec. I delivered Daniel on Dec.9th, 2006. I think about him everyday, and some days are unbearable, but I've finally gotten to a point of pulling out of the deep depression I was in.

I am so tired of society acting like a miscarriage, at any stage is like stubbing your toe. And yes my husband and I grieve very differently. I often feel very alone. I have often wondered if I had gone crazy, I was so overcome. We didn't have a ceremony for him until nearly 2 years after Daniel's death, how could we when everyone, family included acted like we had stubbed our toe? We finally had a very private ceremony on Sept. 11th 2008, 2 years to the day that we found out I was pregnant with him. I have gotten to the point of talking about ALL of my children, whether others are comfortable with it or not, because they all deserve to be honored, no matter how short thier little lives were. Someday i will be reunited with my children, and have to be comforted by knowing that they are with Jesus. I read alot of books, but the one I found the most helpful is called I'LL HOLD YOU IN HEAVEN by Jack Hayford. Another book is called Empty Arms by Pam Vredevelt.

My two girls that are with me here on Earth are 16 years old and 3 years old. I understand the pain has made me a better person. Although I know God caught my every tear in His hands, He is turning my pain into beauty , as I am trying to let Him use me to grow and help others. My hearts go out to all of you you have become a member of this horrible club none of us want to be a part of.

Kate - posted on 01/15/2009

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Quoting Anna:



I recently had my very first pregnancy as well as my first miscarriage [Nov 20, 2008]. At 13 weeks we lost our first. It has been the hardest thing I've ever gone through. I feel like I let every single person down including myself, as if it was my fault. My husband doesn't seem to understand what I'm going through. It's been over a month and I am reminded every single second of the day. I feel like there is a huge hole in my heart and soul.






I don't know if this is where I should have written this but I just needed to get it out since there is no one I know that knows what I'm going through.





Hi Anna - please don't ever blame yourself or think that you've let anyone down!  You are not at fault and you most certainly would never of wanted this sad event to occur.  My family is going through a similiar sadness at the moment.  My husband & I have 2 children and we were pregnant with our third.  We went for a a check up & scan at 19 weeks to find that our baby had died.  The baby died somewhere between 13-15 wks.  Because I hadn't miscarried I had to have a curette (11th Dec 2008) to remove the baby, at which point the baby was sent for testing to find the reason why.  We now know that it was a virus called CMV that I was exposed to that then crossed the placenta and caused the death of our baby.  Both our children (aged 4 and 20mths) were sick when I was 14 wks, just a cold and low grade temperatures, nothing to be overly concerned about.  Neither my husband or I got sick at all.  I never thought during the week that the kids were sick that our baby was at risk of being harmed, especially as I never experienced any of the symptoms myself.  But this was all it took to take our baby away from us.  It is the 1st time we've lost a baby and it has been a horrible experience to go through.  I can't imagine how hard it must be when its your 1st baby as well.  I can understand that women are probably more likely to blame themselves when they don't know what the the cause of the loss was, but there are so many reasons our little ones don't survive, many of which you can't be responsible for!  I pray that this might help you find some peace in your situation to not blame yourself, and that God will soothe your aching heart.  We'll never forget our little babes or stop wondering what might of been but I trust that with God's help and with time, life will get easier.  Take care and go easy on yourself! xx

Kate - posted on 01/15/2009

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Quoting Anna:



I recently had my very first pregnancy as well as my first miscarriage [Nov 20, 2008]. At 13 weeks we lost our first. It has been the hardest thing I've ever gone through. I feel like I let every single person down including myself, as if it was my fault. My husband doesn't seem to understand what I'm going through. It's been over a month and I am reminded every single second of the day. I feel like there is a huge hole in my heart and soul.






I don't know if this is where I should have written this but I just needed to get it out since there is no one I know that knows what I'm going through.





Hi Anna - please don't ever blame yourself or think that you've let anyone down!  You are not at fault and you most certainly would never of wanted this sad event to occur.  My family is going through a similiar sadness at the moment.  My husband & I have 2 children and we were pregnant with our third.  We went for a a check up & scan at 19 weeks to find that our baby had died.  The baby died somewhere between 13-15 wks.  Because I hadn't miscarried I had to have a curette (11th Dec 2008) to remove the baby, at which point the baby was sent for testing to find the reason why.  We now know that it was a virus called CMV that I was exposed to that then crossed the placenta and caused the death of our baby.  Both our children (aged 4 and 20mths) were sick when I was 14 wks, just a cold and low grade temperatures, nothing to be overly concerned about.  Neither my husband or I got sick at all.  I never thought during the week that the kids were sick that our baby was at risk of being harmed, especially as I never experienced any of the symptoms myself.  But this was all it took to take our baby away from us.  It is the 1st time we've lost a baby and it has been a horrible experience to go through.  I can't imagine how hard it must be when its your 1st baby as well.  I can understand that women are probably more likely to blame themselves when they don't know what the the cause of the loss was, but there are so many reasons our little ones don't survive, many of which you can't be responsible for!  I pray that this might help you find some peace in your situation to not blame yourself, and that God will soothe your aching heart.  We'll never forget our little babes or stop wondering what might of been but I trust that with God's help and with time, life will get easier.  Take care and go easy on yourself! xx

Laura - posted on 01/15/2009

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I lost a daughter 6 yrs ago and am now a mother of 3 boys and 1 girl. Every year on her birthday it feels like the day that I lost her all over again, it never gets easier, but living your life on a day to day bassis does get slightly easier, it never goes away though.

Ashley - posted on 01/15/2009

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Paula- I think about my son being in the ground all the time...My husband and I left 2 weeks after the funeral and I didnt want to leave because I felt like I was leaving him behind...My mother-in-law tried to explain to me that he is not there and it's just a body but still I was going miles away from him and it felt like I was just leaving him....I had to go because of financial reasons and I will be going back but sometimes I dream about him being alive and as strange as this may sound in my dreams he is dead and all of a sudden wakes up and is alive and the doctors don't know why but I dont care because he's alive and we play until someone wakes me up I think that's what scares me the most the fact that I had to tell them to take him off of the machine the thoughts of making a bad decision even though he was gone and that I put him in the ground..I don't know how to explain it but it haunts me

Eileen - posted on 01/15/2009

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It's been almost 13 years for me and no, you never get over it.  You do however learn to live with the grief.  I describe it to newly grieving parents as this:  I have lived with back pain my entire life.  Some days the pain is almost intolerable and some days I can bear it.  Sometimes the pain comes out of no where when you least expect it, but you learn to live with it....you learn to live your life around it.  That is what grieving is like.....it's always there but you learn to live with it and you learn to live your life around it.  It's a sad sad club to belong to.  The thing to remember is that there are other mothers out there that have lost children.  They are the ONLY ones that understand your pain and they are the ones you need to reach out to.

Joni - posted on 01/14/2009

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HI, I FEELYOUR GUYS PAIN, IT IS THE HARDEST THING IN THE WORLD TO HEAR THE WORDS HES GONE. IT IS NICE TO KNOW THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT IAM FEELING. MY SON WAS BORN ON DEC 10 2004 AND HE LIVED FOR 11HRS AND THEN HE PASSED AWAY ALL BY HIMSELF. I HAD A C-SECTION AND WAS ON PAIN MEDS AND WHAT NOT, AND THE DOCS KEPT SAYING HE WOULD BE FINE. THEY WERE TRING TO GET HIM TO A BIGGER HOSPITAL, WE LIVE IN A SMALL TOWN THAT IS NOT PREPARED FOR ELECTIVE C-SECTION, BUT THEY WOULD TELL YOU DIFFERENT. THERE MANY THING S THAT HAPPENED TO MY BABY BOY THAT DAY, ALOT OF DOCTOR ERRORS. WHICH IS VEFRY FRUSTRATING, CAUSE IT IS HARD TO GO UP AGAINST DOCTORS. WHEN I WAS FINALLY ABLE TO GO SEE MY SON LINDEN VANCE , HE HAD JUST PASSED AWAY. I NEVER GOT TO HOLD HIM. WHEN HE WAS BORN I KISSED HIM ON THE FORHEAD AND TOLD HIM THAT I LOVED HIM, THAT WAS ALL I GOT. KNOW I HAVE ALOT OF GUILT, I BLAME MYSELF. I NEVER FAUGHT FOR HIM HARD ENOUGH. I JUST LAYED IN A BED, WHILE MY SON NEEDED ME. THEY WOULDN'T LET MY HUSBAND IN TO SEE HIM, BECAUSE THEY WERE WORKING ON HIM. I HAD MANY SECOND THOUGHTS THAT DAY BEFORE MY C-SECTION, I KNEW SOMETHING WOULD GO WRONG, I DIDN'T FEEL RIGHT. I HAD A GREAT PREGNANCY, IT WAS A SCHEDULED C-SECTION. HE WAS BREECH BUT HAD TURNED. HE WAS 8'9 AND 24 INCHES LONG WITH LOTS OF CURLY BLACK HAIR. HE WAS A BIG BOY. THERE WAS PROBLEMS WITH HIS LUNGS, I THINK. NOBODY COULD EVER TELL ME EXACTLY WHAT WENT ON, CCAUSE SOME THINGS ARE CONFIDETIAL!! I FEEL THAT IF I WAS THERE WITH HIM, I COULD OF MADE HIM FEEL ME THERE FOR HIM, MAYBE THEN HE WOULD OF FOUGHT HARDER. HIS LITTLE BODY WENT THROUGH ALOT. I FEEL LIKE SUCH A HORRIBLE MOTHER. I WASN'T THERE FOR MY SON WHEN HE NEEDED ME MOST. SO MUCH GUILT. I WILL NOT FORGIVE MYSELF, IT WOULDN'T BE FAIR. WE GO TO HIS GRAVE EVERY YEAR ON HIS BIRTHDAY AND CRY FOR WHAT SHOULD OF BEEN. WHAT WOULD HE LOOK LIKE WHAT WOULD HIS PERSONALITY BE LIKE , WHO WOULD HE LOOK LIKE. HE SHOULD BE STARTING SCHOOL. CHRISTMAS IS NOT THE SAME ANY MORE IT IS SO HARD TO GO THROUGH DEC. BUT I HAVE A 5.5 YR OLD DAUGHTER AND A 2.5 YR OLD SON BROOKLYNN AND ALEXZANDER AND KNOW I JUST PRAY THAT NOTHING EVER HAPPENS TO MY BABIES, I DO BELIEVE THAT GOD ONLY GIVES YOU THE PAIN YOU CAN HANDLE, AND THE DOCS OR WHO EVER WILL HAVE THERE DAY TO. IT HAS BEEN 4YEARS AND IT IS STILL JUST AS RAW AS THAT DAY, BUT I HAVE HAD HAPPY TIMES TO, LIKE THE BIRTH OF MY SECOND SON AND WATCHING THEM GROW. SO IT IS TRUE YOU MOVE ON, BUT NEVER GET OVER IT. I ALWAYS WANT EVERYONE TO REMEBER HIS BIRTHDAY, BUT THEY DON'T OR DON'T WANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE IT BEACUSE OF THE PAIN. IT HURTS CAUSE I WANT TO CELEBRATE IT AND I CAN'T. I WOULDN'T GO BACK ON THIS DAY, BECAUSE IT WAS THE BEST AND WORST DAY OF MY LIFE!! PEOPLE KIND OF LOOK AT ME STRANGLY BECAUSE IAM VERY OPEN ABOUT TALKING ABOUT MY SON. I LOVE HOW PEOPLE SAY I HAVE 3 KIDS AND 2ARE LIVING. I FEEL HORRIBLE WHEN IGET ASKED HOW MANY CHILDREN DO YOU HAVE AND I SAY 2, IT IS LIKE I AM FORGETTING HIM, BUT PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THE DEATH OF A CHILD. IT IS NICE TO BE ABLE TO TALK ABOUT LINDEN AND WRITE HIS NAME. MY HUSBAND AND I DON'T TALK MUCH ABOUT HIM ANY MORE CAUSE IT HURTS AND WE DON'T WANT TO HURT EACH OTHER, HE KNOWS THAT I FEEEL LIKE A BAD MOM, AND HE TRIED TO HELP BUT .... WHEN MY DOCTOR CAME TO SEE ME AFTER MY SON DIED HE SAID TO ME THA T THE BEST WAY TO GET OVER IT WAS TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY RIGHT AWAY!! LIKE HE NEVER WAS THERE, I WAS SO IRRATED AND ANGRY. THIS IS HOW PEOPLE THAT HAVE NEVER BEEN THROUGH IT ACT, LIKE YOU SHOULD JUST GET OVER IT!!! NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN HE IS ALWAYS ON MY MIND AND ALWAYS WILL TILL IGET TO HEAVEN AND GET TO SEE HIM AGAIN. THIS EXPERIENCE HAS MADE ME STRONGER AND A BETTER CHRISTIAN, I WILL DO NAYTHING TO GET TO HEAVEN, NOW I HAVE MY OWN ANGEL. SORRY THIIS IS A BIT MIXED UP AND IAM NOT SURE IT IS THE RIGHT PLACE TO WRITE IT, BUT HE FEELS GOOD TO WRITE IT WHERE PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN THERE TO AND UNDERSTAND THE PAIN CAN READ IT. SO AM I A BAD MOM, THERE WASN'T MUCH I COULD DO, IAM TOLD BUT THERE HAD TO BE SOMETHING?? THANKS FOR LISTENING.

Paula - posted on 01/14/2009

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HI all- thank you Mandy and Diana....I thought I was the only one to think about the grave as a sad place...that I had to save her body from....even on the day of the funeral....I had thoughts about not bringing her to the grave...keeping her at home....how morbid....but in my head I could keep her safe....keep her with me.  somehow no one will know...I could hold her if I needed too.....



oh how I miss her so.



now the cemetary is covered with feet and feet of snow and we can't see the marker when her sight is....so I have to wait ill spring.



I may be starting back at work next month part time easing into it....does anyone have any advice....to I talk about it if someone asks....I am wondering how this will all go down....I am fearfull that people will comment....and then something will trigger me....and I will lose it at work.



I deal with animals...and euthansia....so I am wondering how I will be able to do that aspect of my job. 



thanks everyone....it means alot.

Mandy - posted on 01/14/2009

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Paula, I just have to let you know that you are one tough cookie and you are not giving yourself enough credit. I just read a post you wrote to Jenna and I know you are struggling but you are going to come out ok on the other side. Different but ok. I have read several of your posts and for someone who is so new to a loss you have a lot of very inspiring things to say. My Savannah would be turning 5 this coming March 26th (she was born still on her due date). Just last week I had to pull my boss (a very good friend) in a conference room and have a breakdown! For some reason Savannah was on my mind that day and I missed her so much. There is hope, I don't do that every day or even every week. I still get jealous (on occasion) of other women that are pregnant or have other children even though I have had a healthy child since Savannah. I just miss her and I always will but I am stronger now than I was 2 months after her passing. As far as her grave goes, it is hard. I had nightmares for some time about the burial. Then, on her first birthday I had a remembrance party for her. We went to her grave and tied ballons to it, we talked to her. Now, I enjoy going there even though I know her soul is in Heaven. Every year we do something special on her birthday like donate things to a hospital nursery, or books to a school library in her name. Give yourself plenty of time to grieve. It's ok no matter what anyone else says.

Diana - posted on 01/14/2009

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Oh Paula! I know exactly what you're saying! At first all I could think of was my little baby boy all alone in the ground under all that dirt. I wanted to dig him up with my hands. It was so hard to resist the urge that my hands and arms hurt. I still have trouble with that. I try not to think about him there all alone. You're NOT crazy. You are grieving.



It's been six years for me and I'm still grieving. My chest doesn't hurt anymore and my arms only ache for him sometimes. I can enjoy life again. I can even laugh and have fun. I used to think I was a fraud when I did that. I was ashamed of myself for being happy. But then I thought about what it would be like if Sean Michael had lived... would he like to laugh and have fun? Of course he would!!!

Paula - posted on 01/13/2009

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Hi all



Diana...you said visiting the grave sight helped....I have not been back there since her burial in NOv 2008....I don't know how too...can't get the nerve too yet.



maybe by spring when the ground thaws....I should go.



does anyone...wonder about the baby in the coffin?  does anyone feel sad that they are in there....cold ground...evne though I know her sprit is not there...she is in heaven somewhere....but the body is there and I feel sad about that....like I should warm it up and comfort it somehow...



is this weird?



I am definatly a different person....but I don't know if that is a better one or not....at least not yet.

Paula - posted on 01/13/2009

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Hi all



Diana...you said visiting the grave sight helped....I have not been back there since her burial in NOv 2008....I don't know how too...can't get the nerve too yet.



maybe by spring when the ground thaws....I should go.



does anyone...wonder about the baby in the coffin?  does anyone feel sad that they are in there....cold ground...evne though I know her sprit is not there...she is in heaven somewhere....but the body is there and I feel sad about that....like I should warm it up and comfort it somehow...



is this weird?



I am definatly a different person....but I don't know if that is a better one or not....at least not yet.

Paula - posted on 01/13/2009

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Hi all



Diana...you said visiting the grave sight helped....I have not been back there since her burial in NOv 2008....I don't know how too...can't get the nerve too yet.



maybe by spring when the ground thaws....I should go.



does anyone...wonder about the baby in the coffin?  does anyone feel sad that they are in there....cold ground...evne though I know her sprit is not there...she is in heaven somewhere....but the body is there and I feel sad about that....like I should warm it up and comfort it somehow...



is this weird?



I am definatly a different person....but I don't know if that is a better one or not....at least not yet.

Desirea - posted on 01/13/2009

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There are so many uplifting thoughts on this board.



Obviously I have gotten through it, was it easy NO, would I wish it on my worst enemy, NEVER, Will I ever get over it, NOT A CHANCE!



I am a mother of 5 raising 3. That is actually one phrase I have used a LOT. No one ever really understood what I meant by it. I am so glad the women here understand. The first child I lost was born sleeping at 22 weeks. He was my first born son, and it was by FAR the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. Just 2 months after his birth, I was pregnant with twins, and I lost my second sons twin sister. In this instance while it was bittersweet to deliver one and KNOW that there should be 2 of them, at the same time, it was wonderful to know that after a horrible tragedy, my body could still give life.



I have not been the same person since my son was born, but I do believe that I am better for it having happened also. I see a lot more things I missed before, and never let a day go by with the wanting to do anything....if I want to do it, I do. I will never be that person again, that person died when my son was born sleeping.

[deleted account]

As everyone has said,  you learn to live in this life without this child.  I think that is the best you can do when your child dies.  Our daughter, Gale, died at the age of 17 months from menigitis very suddenly.  Three months after her death I had a miscarriage when I was five weeks along.  Gale will always be in our hearts and minds especially now as we are approaching what would have been her 40th birthday and yes, we do wonder about the child who would have come right after her death..  Gale was our only child at the time. We have three sons now and three beautiful granddaughters.  Life has gone on and there are so many happy moments that we have had over the years.  But, yes, there are also those times when we will always feel cheated and where those moments are bittersweet because she is not with us.  I am not sure if any of you have heard of The Compassionate Friends.  It is an international group as well as a national group for bereaved parents, grandparents, and siblings.  There are over 600 chapters in the U.S.  If you have not attended a meeting, I suggest you try at least three and see if it is the place for you.  The national office has a web page on line where you can chat also with other parents as well as get the info on chapter meetings.  Grieving for my daughter is the hardest work I have ever done.  You do have to do the grief work and with time, you can laugh and take pleasure again in life.  But it is true that this type of loss changes you forever.  I hope this is helpful.

Diana - posted on 01/13/2009

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One thing I do to help me cope with my grief is to visit my son's grave alone. I am more free to cry and express my pain in prayer alone by his side than anywhere else. I leave feeling sad but also relieved of pain. I hope this helps someone.

Peggi - posted on 01/13/2009

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I think once we realize that no matter what we do..stomp our feet, hold our breath..our child is not coming back to us. I learned he would always be in my heart & thoughts. Yes, my arms still ache to hold him,  but now I can cry a good cry because of the love I have, not what I lost. Does that make sense to anyone??

Morgan - posted on 01/13/2009

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I resently read a quote .. it is not by anyone famous but I would like to share it with all of you.. "when trouble comes there are three things you can do: go to pieces, go to drinking, or go to God. the first two don't accomplish much, so let's take hold of the third" I hope that all of you may some day find peace and comfort in the hands of the Lord.

Paula - posted on 01/12/2009

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Hi Jenna thanks...I hope I see some road ahead...I pray Riz gets some help and that we can live some kind of a life that resembles normal.  thanks it means alot.

Paula - posted on 01/12/2009

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Hi Jenna thanks...I hope I see some road ahead...I pray Riz gets some help and that we can live some kind of a life that resembles normal.  thanks it means alot.

Jenna - posted on 01/12/2009

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They are real and it will get better, hard to believe, but it will be easier to get out of bed, do chores, go the mall etc. I had to totally revamp my life as my daughter was sick so much of my life revolved around her. It took my husband and I two years to stop waking up every four hours for her treatment...You can do it Paula, I just know you can. This is so new, you should allow your self full mourning, focus on your emotions when you can and other times, committ to doing something with your husband that you enjoy. My husband and I travelled since we were locked down for so long. It helped rebuild our friendship as we all know sometimes marriages have to start at ground zero sometimes. This is one of those times...

Paula - posted on 01/12/2009

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Hi all



hi Jenna...I don't want this pain anymore...I wish I could remember her and be happy about the memories...smile at her pictures instead of aching.



I know it is so very fresh...this Nov past....but living like this loose canine ball...is crazy.  I have problems going to the mall....seeing pregnant ladies and feeling this rage inside...this jelousy.



I know what you mean about the island....at home it is one...cause the husband well doesn't say anything.  so its only here that I can relate..and read the messages from all of you and know I am not the only one.....my feelings are validated....are real.



thank you

Jenna - posted on 01/12/2009

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Thanks for sharing your testimonies - one of my friends said to me, I can't even imagine and I responded, I don't want you to have to imagine. I found that my friends, while they attempt to be supportive, cannot understand. Reading these testimonies lets me know that I am not out there on an island. If you haven't been through it, the heartache is not conceivable and perhaps that's part of the plan, because if the pain mended, perhaps their sould would be forgotten. So as not to forget my special girl, or her laugh, or her meaning in my life, I am glad the pain resides.

Belinda - posted on 01/09/2009

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My son Jacob was made an angel nearly 5 years ago and like others I would say no you never get over it you learn to live with the yearning wondering and grieving. some days I can make it fine but some days....well you know. All I can say is use the supports you have and take time for yourself

Ann - posted on 01/09/2009

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On March 2,1995 we lost Hartman and Ambreen, our twin girls. I just went into labor at the end of my 6th month. They were so small. Their little lungs were too small. They lived for about an hour. They passed away before I woke up from the surgery. My mom and my husband held them while they lived and as they died.

I still think of them often. Anytime I see twin girls that would be about their age it all comes back as if it were yesterday. The pain no longer takes my breath away or leaves me sobbing alone in the bathroom but it is still very much with me. They are with me.

While I as pregnant I decorated their room with Angels. I think that was God's way of preparing me for what was to come. The things that I have figured out along the way is, Life can be here and gone in the blink of an eye. Death does no discriminate against age. God IS with you even if you don't think he is. Time is slow at first but before you know it, it is also gone in the blink in the eye.

God bless you all.

Ann

Paula - posted on 01/09/2009

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HI all-Deborah ...I find it hand when the 5 yeqr mentions Narmeen...saying she misses her...it gets me all sad and I break down all the time.  she talks about her alot...and when its casual I am fine but when she cries...I lose it.  how or when will that fade.



Sara- I am reading the empty nest....wow does it ever hit the hammer on the head.  so much is so real....what I would like is for people who have not lost a child to read it....make them aware of how we feel with hvaing to tell them.  they would just know....



 



Lori- my heart goes out to you for losing two...oh how would I ever make it if I lost two...I don't know how you are doing it.  I can just imagine...and I just can't....fathum your pain.



 



Cathi- I am sorry for your son....how sad.  I hope the justice system prevailed for you.  it doesn't bring him back....but maybe some pain will lessen.



 



Ashley- am sorry as well.  it is very new like me....feeling this hurt is the hardest thing I ever thought possible.



I am happy for your pregnancy...pray all things will go well and you both will be happy and healthy.



 

Ashley - posted on 01/09/2009

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It is so so hard to move on after the death of a child..My son died oct 10 2008 right before his first birthday which wouldve been oct 22..I have been battling living without him every since some days i wake up fine others I wish I was with him but I am 6 months pregnant now and I believe that knowing I have to be strong for the baby helps me out a lot and my husband who also took it very hard helps me to be a stronger person. I try to think of it as gods plan. My son was born with hypoplastic left heart syndrome and he did fine at home until we went for his second heart surgery at 6 months from then until the time he passed he had 6 surgeries 2 on his heart 3 on his diaphragm and he had an ostomy done..through it all he kept a smile on his face and that reassured me that he indeed tried and that it was just too much for a child to go through....Will I get through it? I think so...At least that's what he would want plus I know that I now have a guardian angel!

[deleted account]

I have lost my only son in August 2000. He was 22 years old. It has been 8 years. I am always thingking about him. He was found deceased in a so called friends apt. of an apparent acute drug overdose. While laying dead this fiend robbed my son and his apt of my son's belongings. I don't know what happened that night for the son I knew never did drugs and had many jobs that he was drug tested and passed. I got no justice for my son which took 2 years in court. Am I ever going to stop grieving. I don't laugh or enjoy the things I use to like. I feel as a mother that I failed. We as mothers are suppose to protect our children.  Even though he lived on his own.. He is always on my mind and prayers.

Morgan - posted on 01/09/2009

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Jenna, thank you.. SIDS is less common in "older babies" but Gunner had some medical problems early on and they said his heart just stopped ... I think that because he was past a year old it completely blindsided us .. we thought he was all better!

Tanya - posted on 01/08/2009

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I am so sorry for all that you ladies have gone through! I admire your strength. We all have been through the worst nightmare any parent has. We have all survived it despite the pain it takes to keep on going. It has been 5 years since my Carson was born still. It hurts everyday, but I can look at the pictures and smile even with tears in my eyes and my heart. I am thankful that I have pictures so I can admire my beautiful angel! We all find our own way in dealing with the hurt and yes guilt. I doesn't matter who's "at fault" the guilt is there. It is natural. I just have to remind myself once in awhile that it isn't a matter of blame, cause either way, my baby is gone, and I can't bring him back.

For those of you who had miscairrages, my heart goes out to you especially. From the moment you realized you were pregnant, you became a parent, and you lost your child. Your pain is everybit as real as the rest of ours. You grieve the way you have to. Some people don't understand it, and I am glad for their sakes that they don't, because to truely understand, they would have to go through what each of us has gone through. But know that we get it, and you are in our hearts.

Jenna - posted on 01/08/2009

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Morgan - Sorry for your loss and admire you enduring faith. I was not aware that SIDS affected 'older' babies such as yours.

Morgan - posted on 01/08/2009

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My son died of SIDS at the age of 13 months on October 21,2008.. We are in a deep stage of mourning still but I can say that because of our faith in God he has given us a since of peace... We realize how blessed we were to have him for the time we did and we also lucky to know that our son is in heaven with the Lord... we are extremely sad for us but not for him.. he is now in the best home ever with our Father.

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