does it bother you when your family does not include your miscarriage as part of the family?

Crystal - posted on 04/11/2010 ( 18 moms have responded )

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when people ask my parents how many grandkids they have they say 9. they include my sisters one child, my other sisters 3 living children and the one that lived to be 3 months old, and my 4 living children but they leave out the one I miscarried at 8 weeks gestation. it bothers me because i feel that he/she is part of my family so he/she should be included as part of the whole family. am i being over sensitive? maybe it is because they never got to hold mine like they did with my sisters baby that passed away at 3 months.

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Abbie - posted on 04/15/2010

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NO they don't and I am really ok with that. I think there is a time when the living need to let the dead be dead. I don't want that to sound mean, but I am a very realistic person. I also have found that once I let the pregnancies I have lost- rest in peace, that is when I started to find peace in my world.

So back to your question; no i don't want them to include them its strange for everyone involved and it makes it much easier to carry on with my life.

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Trinity - posted on 05/06/2010

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I'm so sorry for your loss. I get completely where you're coming from. Mine and my husbands family do tend to leave our son and a misscarriage that I had a year after out of conversation as if they never existed and it kills me. A few said it's just to hard to think about them and it breaks their hearts. The way I try to Live with it is to correct them and remember them myself everyday. So I would say no you're not over sensitive, this the hardest thing to go through in my opinion. For me, I guess it's just validation of their existence and importance.

Jayne - posted on 05/06/2010

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I'm sorry to hear about your loss. As much as this must pain you.... just hear me out for a sec. Both my Mother and Stepmother have had miscarriages, so naturally when I found out I was pregnant for the first time I was open to the fact that the pregnency may not eventuate. Not that I was being negative, I was under the impression that loosing a baby before 12 weeks was like a quality control thing. There was something that wasn't quite right with the baby medically. I think this may be why your family don't think to include your lost pregnancy. I'm not doubting for a second that this has caused you much pain and grief but unfortunatley almost 30% of pregnancies result in miscarriage. That is why some choose not to tell others before 3 months (not that I agree with that). You have to understand that your sister actually had a baby.(I am not diss-crediting still borns here, they are fully formed babies and have to be registered as a birth and death) They don't ask your mother how many pregnancies her children have had. Please understand that. It probably hurts her too that your pregnancy didn't eventuate but unfortunatly this is a miscarriage. It is very normal to grieve a miscarriage (it's a phisical thing for females!) You are blessed to have 4 living children... please find some comfort in that

Amy - posted on 05/06/2010

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It is so hard, i flip flop b/w the two, If im just talking to someone that i will prob never have to see again or i know they are just being nosey i will say just the one but if its someone i know i will say i have one daughter and a baby boy in heaven. But i know my family does not, its hard for me to think they dont and i have to constantly remind myself that its easier for them to deal that way, but i agree with Melissa, stay true to you and your heart, b/c you know that your baby is a part of you, making it a part of your family.

Laurie - posted on 04/27/2010

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I'm not sure what to say. I had two miscarriages (6 weeks & 4 months) and I've never thought to include them. I think it's a personal choice. I think it would be nice to include them if they were stillborn for sure.

Laurie - posted on 04/27/2010

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My son was 11 when he passed away from a car accident. My siblings were supportive for 6 months but after that, they never mentioned his name again. When I toast him at Christmas I get looks of horror. I was in the car accident too. I think I remind them of their loss.

Emily - posted on 04/25/2010

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My mom simply says that she has 4 living grandchildren. If they're just strangers asking a question, it's fine, and if it's someone closer, then she makes the judgement whether or not to tell them about Abigail, my daughter, who was born still at 30 weeks gestation.

Crystal - posted on 04/25/2010

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I am so sorry for each of your losses. I thank you for your input on this touchy subject; it helps to know that I am not the only one that feels this way. I have come to realize that it does not matter if they include baby love or not. I know that she/he was alive in me and is still apart of my family; even if baby love is in heaven.

Tina - posted on 04/24/2010

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I completely understand your feelings. I lost my baby between 14-17 weeks gest and i feel like im the only one that counts him. i delivered him and my family all got to hold him and its still hard.



If anyone asks me how many babies i have, i tell them 3 living, 1 in heaven and one growing inside me. So the answer is always 5. I dont care if they are strangers or not. If they are going to ask me questions about the one i lost i have no problem talking about Caden. its my way of coping with losing him. i didnt just pass the baby either, i delivered him in a hospital and got to hold him and im the one that put him in the casket to bury him the next day. He was 1.6 oz and 5".

JoAnn - posted on 04/23/2010

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im in the same boat when my parents are asked how many grandkids they have they say 6...when it should be 8 ..i miscarried twin boys at 5 months....i gave birth to them ..i was induced...no one includes them but me and my husband..and i think about them everyday even though i just had a baby 2 months ago...i think its wrong that they dont include them but i guess everyone deals with it differently ...i want them included but im not sure everyone would agree in my or my husbands family =/

RHONDA - posted on 04/21/2010

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Linda- Thanks for sharing. Also sorry for your loss. You mentioned that you had an adult child that passed but do you include him/her more often and if so, what are ways you will explain it if asked. I lost my son at 12 years old in 2008. I am still struggling daily but this is one of the hardest emotional questions for me. I have a 6 year daughter and if she is around when the question comes up, she doesnt have any problems answering it for me. It then becomes very uncomfortable for both of us even being complete strangers! I think its great that my daughter is okay with saying it and she will usually tell them he is in heaven playing or something fun so I wont ever tell her to stop doing it no matter what the circumstances are for her sake.

Linda - posted on 04/18/2010

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Crystal, I am so sorry for you loss. I have had both a miscarriage many years ago and lost an adult child so I can feel you pain. I have two thoughts on your question. I don't think that a baby is real to most people (other than the parents) until he/she is born and they can see and feel her/him. Many people have different beliefs as to when life begins!

I can tell you I struggle with answering people about the number of children I have. My answer varies depending on whom I am talking to. It never fails that if I include the children I have lost, there are always more questions and it turns into a lengthy conversation. Some people have no shame and just continue to push for answers if you give a short reply. I've had some very awkward conversation, where we both feel bad by the end, (them because they asked so many questions, and me because I left myself open to their prying).

I'm sure your parents do not mean to hurt you. When my dad's wife was asked how many grandchildren she has, she did not include my children who had died. However, she also does not include her own baby that died during her 8th month of pregnancy.
Best of luck to you Crystal. I hope you feel better soon!

Jennifer - posted on 04/17/2010

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When I was pregnant for the 3rd time people would ask if it was my first pregnancy and I'd say no, its my second. In my head and my heart I knew it was my 3rd but I don't usually want to get into the details of the baby I lost at 6 1/2 months gestation even though she has a name and a burial plot in the cemetary. My family and friends know that we have 3 children and thats all that matters. I think our family is like me and probably doesn't include Mary (the baby we lost) when asked about grandchildren and thats fine with me. Its a sad subject and strangers don't need to know about it.

Crystal - posted on 04/16/2010

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the doctor I had when I miscarried baby love had the nerve to say that it was " only a miscarrage" I told him it was my baby and he told me "no, it's just a fetus". I was so angree

Melissa - posted on 04/16/2010

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Yeah, it bugs me beyond belief when people say "it was just a miscarriage". In reality, I feel like I had a stillbirth, I gave birth to a still baby. Medically its considered a miscarriage until 20wks. I never even knew that was possible. Do what feels right to you and to you only. Im not the type of person that can just forget, not when something like this drastically changes your whole outlook on life. To each is their own! Stay strong!

Shelagh - posted on 04/14/2010

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My mum doesn't mention my son (who died at 2 1/2 days) in her tally of grandchildren - for the simple reason that she doesn't want to have to go into detail (and possibly get upset) when making small-talk with complete strangers. That's fine with me - I do the same if anyone asks how many children I have. I don't feel I need to share something so personal with everyone.

Crystal - posted on 04/12/2010

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thank you. you were a big help. and I am so very sorry for your lose. it is never easy when you lose a child even it was "only a miscarriage"

Melissa - posted on 04/12/2010

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Im sorry for your loss. I do understand what you mean, no one includes my son as part of the family either, except for my husband and I. I lost Johnathan at 18wks about 2months ago. Here is my take on things...family members dont consider a lost baby part of the family bc its just easy for them to forget and move on. Not that its not upsetting to them, but they didnt carry that child and invest an emotional bond. They never held the baby or saw the baby. Its much easier for them to "forget" then actually open themselves up to feeling hurt and grief for your baby. This issue hurt me in the beginning, then I thought about it and what my family members are doing regarding the loss of my son is pretty normal for them. I held him, I carried him, I knew him, I loved him more than life, and I will never forget him. He will always be apart of our family and will always be my 2nd child. Dont worry about what others think, you consider YOUR lost baby a part of your family and thats fine, you dont need to frustrate yourself anymore. Stay true to you and thats all that matters. Hope I helped you some.

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