Does it ever get any easier ,When do I get rid of her belongings

Jen - posted on 03/08/2009

I lost two babies, one at 5 wks. and a still born baby boy at 25 wks. My son Aidan passed away almost 4 years ago. For the longest time I couldn't even walk into his room, until, I needed the room for my daughter two years ago. It is hard to part with the belongings! Yesterday, I was faced with a decision to finally give his stuff away to a friend who just had a new born boy. I gave everything but a few very sentimental items that I put in a box. It felt good to help a friend in need,while still honoring my sons memory by keeping the most special items. The pain never goes away completely ,but, some days it does seem easier. If you don't know for sure what items to keep,maybe just store away her most precious items to look at when you feel the need. In the end it is up to you. Don't let anyone guilt you into doing anything before YOU are ready.

Kim - posted on 03/08/2009

you will know when the time is right but if you want to keep it all thats ok to my daughter died just over a year ago and i still have all her clothes shoes etc they are put away but if i want to look at them i can

Dawn - posted on 03/08/2009

hi we lost are daughter jade in 2001 aged 11 i still have some of her things her school bag with her bottle in and the hosp bag with her clothes that were cut of her she got took to hosp from school  she had hurlers disease we knew she would die in childhood but still a shock when it happened we were with her at the end thank god you will know when the time is right and keep some for memory sake

Sarah - posted on 02/08/2009

Hi Camille,

I want to first say that I am sorry to hear of the misfortune that you have been dealt.  My heart goes out to you.  It is a great thing that you have joined this group and begin to heal your heart. 

Honestly, I think that this process is however you feel about it.  When I lost my 7 year old daughter 2 years ago.  At first, I kept the hospital bracelet on my wrist for almost 2 wks.  I had to go see he pediatrician around that time for my youngest daughter and she told me that it was not healthy to keep it on for so long.  She tried to get me to go to some groups, but I didn't want to.  I threw myself into going to work and going back to school because I thought that it would help.  We then found that it was very hard for me to live in the house and live in the same town as where we had raised her so we began to pack her things up.  I kept the most important things and also have given a lot of things to my youngest daughter.  I will then pass them on to someone else who needs things more.  But there are certain things that I can't ever let anyone else touch or bring out or even wash or give away.  It is a very hard thing to do. 

I think that you just have to take one day at a time and do what you feel is best for you and your family.  Everyone heals differently.  And I don't believe that one thing is a good thing or a bad thing, it is whatever makes you feel most comfortable.  If you want to begin to give away her things, then you should or do it little by little. 

I also don't believe that it ever gets easier.  The pain is always there and especially around the time of birth/passing it is especially hard.  I also find sometimes when I'm alone or something happens to remind me, I begin to tear up.  But I think this is natural.  There are also times, even though I have a husband and other children, I miss her so much that I just would rather be with her than here, but I know that is not a good feeling, and sometimes you just need to talk or cry about it.  Deal with things on your own time and in your own way. 

Take care.

Sarah

Piri - posted on 02/07/2009

You will get on your journey when you will feel comfortable to give away your baby/child stuff away. Don't ever do it because someone is pressing on you. After I lost my little girl on the 5th day i had an urge to return her stuff, i kept most of the bills just becasuse we have 3 boys and my hubby said he will believe she is a girl only if he sees her. So i called my best friend to come with me as i wasn't able to do it by myself. It was hard, but i had to do it as it was hard having a closet full of clothes and my boys going and touching the clothes and crying. But I had a lot of clothes washed and ready as she was full term. I had her special dedication set too. After 3 boys I had fun buying her a lot of nice clothes, dresess.......so my girlfriend had her little girl 6 weeks later, and I had one set of dress what I loved, I planned to be the dedication set. We went to visit them Sunday, and Saturday I was planning to give it to her as a gift......and I couldn't , I was crying and having difficult time with myself......then I decided I will just keep it.......before I went to bed I prayed that God will give me peace the next day.............then Sunday I woke up and had the most peace I could just have, and i was totally able to pack the stuff and went visited them and had a good time. I love that little girl......it just keps me seing where my girl would be.......then after a while like 5 months I was able to move out the crib from our bedroom, as I planned t ohae her sleep in our room til she'll be 5-6 months......I still have the crib, but in visitors room, so when my friends and cousins visit they don't have to bring their playpen..........just take time and do everything at your own time when you feel comfortable........don't over push yourself.......give yourself the time to heal. I still have the carseat......I am looking forward to give them away to someone who is in need and will apriciate it.

Sherry - posted on 02/06/2009

Absolutely nobodies business but yours...my dad came into my bedroom days after my daughter was born.  I was looking thru pictures with one of our other children( cause they really needed to almost constantly ) ,  and the first thing he says is "now put them away and don't look at them for 10 years",  i could have riped his face off.  But i did not say a word ,  cause that is him and it would have been a waist of my breath.  I will do whatever it takes to help me and my family heal properly. TTFN !!!  blessings to all !!

Paula - posted on 02/06/2009

Hi all

has any one had comments from family as to why the baby room is not all cleaned or or why you have all that stuff there?  I recently was asked by my mom is everything still in that room?  I said yes most....she gruntingly said why don't you put all that away.  I was so upset...it is no one buisness right?

any comments

Jessica - posted on 02/06/2009

It has been 8 1/2 years since I lost my 5 year old son.  I couldn't bring my self to leave his bedroom setup with all his belongings in his room but I couldn't get rid of his things either.  I actually packed up his bedding, favorite toys, dishes, school bag, shoes and some of his favorite outfits into vac sealed bags and stored everything in containers.  The other possessions had no emotional value to me so I had to get  them out of the house right away.  To this day, I still have everything sealed in the bags and in the storage containers.  I don't think i could ever get rid of his things...

Laura - posted on 02/01/2009

i dont think we ever really let go. i lost my son 16 months ago and my daughter 7 months ago.. i dont find it getting any easier i think we just learn to live with it x

Betty - posted on 01/31/2009

Hello I know exactly how you feel...
I carried my first child Itcel full term and gave birth to her still born it was and is the worst thing that could happen to anyone...you are right it never gets easier and yes in my opinion you are making things harder for your self by keeping her belongings ...i think what helped me was that my aunt gave birth to her daugther 2 days after i had mine and she didn't have anything for her..so i offered her thing to my little cousin and my aunt accepted...i think you would feel better if you gave the things away to someone who needs them...and about the pain it never goes away it just gets easier to handle...Just pray i'm sure she with you...

Kate - posted on 01/31/2009

hi...i lost my daughter renee eight years ago monday...it was the worst ground hog day of my life... it is easier now to deal with her death. The pain of wanting her here with me and needing to understand why she was taken from me , that never goes away but it does soften in time. I carried her for 37 weeks..just thought i was going into early labor. What i didn't know was that my placenta had seperated from her hours earlier. If u need to chat my e-mail is renee_christine@live.com

Cindy - posted on 01/31/2009

I lost my son 2 years ago also, and i still have some of his stuff.  I keep it in a chest in my room, and i dont think i will ever get rid of it.  It is all i have left to remember him by and it brings me comfort to have it.  If it comforts you to keep some things of hers then i think that it is ok to do that, if it is too hard for you to see it then i think it is ok for you to let it go too.

Pamela - posted on 01/30/2009

I lost my son almost 7 yrs ago when he was 3 months old. The constant pain lessens, but it doesn't really ever get "easier". You learn to live again with the memories you do have. Remember the kicks and the flutters. Know that she is in a better place, where she doesn't have to deal with all the bull crap that will go on in this world.

It will be 7 yrs this year. I gave some of his stuff to friends that had little boys. I keep the special outfits we bought, his shirt he got at the hospital, his paci (the only one he would take was the premie one he got at the hospital.), all the little knick-knacks ppl bought me while I was at the hospital.  So, my advise is to keep some special things. It will help you to heal to know you are helping another mom with her little one when you let go of the rest of her things. It helped me alot knowing that Dalton's things were being used well by my godson.

Gillian - posted on 01/30/2009

hi Camille

I dont think there is a right time to part with her things, I started by givng away a few things now i just have a few things left that mean the most to me boxed in the attic but the time is different for every one so dont pressure yourself if you are not ready it doesnt get easier but you do learn to live with the fact XX

Roberta - posted on 01/29/2009

My husband and i lost a baby boy 9 yrs ago... 2 yrs later i found out we were expecting again. Our Daughter was born healthy and happy. To this day i have a small shoe box filled with the special things i bought just for my son. The unisex items we kept for our daughter and next child another son to use. We lost our baby at 23 weeks into the pregnancy and he was so tiny but we were blessed with two more. ... i say Follow your heart.. keep the special items and donate the rest. But if you want to keep it all then do so but put it somewhere safe and not necessarily all in your daily views. i really enjoyed y special space to go thru my sons' things i kept even to this day.. his things are in a night table next to my bed, and it's been 9 yrs.

Peggi - posted on 01/29/2009

I have lost 2 sons, 1 was 3 months old, the other was 22 years old. I still have most of their things. I have given some  things to my other children when they  had their babies & my grandchildren have worn Nathan's baby clothes, used his blankets. It meant alot to them to have these things, & though it was hard to see them used again, part of me felt peace & joy knowing that it meant so much to my children. They loved him too.

When my granchildren get older we are going to divide Justin's things between all of them & our other children. I have everything packed away as it was too hard for me to look at their things all the time. It is a good feeling to have our sons are loved & remembered by them all.

Everyone is different, if it makes you feel better to keep your baby's things, keep them.  Also, you can just pack them away, you don't need to give them away.  There is no time line.......

Also, I had passed on a few things to brothers & sisters to use for their babies but they never used them I think they were afraid bad things would happen to their babies if they used Nathan's things. Like they would jinx them. Needless to say I asked for them back.

My mother lost her first son at birth. 50 years later she gave me all the clothes she had made for him that he never got to wear. She said she knew that I would appreciate them. We had a great bond from losing our children. She knew I understood how much these things meant to her. Now my daughter has them & is planning on using them for her new baby in March. My mom would be happy to know that they mean alot to her too. So you see, someday you'll know what to do with your babies things, what's right for you.

Paula - posted on 01/28/2009

Hi

don't feel like you must get rid of her things....getting rid of them doesn't make you get through this faster....you mightt regret it later...having a few things around validates your baby, shows there was a baby and that she was here.

when and if you are ever ready to part with some of the things do so then....but really why would you have too.

thanks

Stephanie - posted on 01/28/2009

we lost our little girl at 2 1/2 days, I still have all of her stuff from the hospital, and all the things we bought her before she was born. we are planning on using it for our next little girl due in 4 1/2 weeks. some of my daughters more special things that were just hers, i keep in a tote under my bed, and when i feel down I take it all out and look at it. we did donate a few things to the NICU that Katie was born at, mostly diapers. It's been almost 2 1/2 years since she passed, and still feel like having her things around keeps a part of her with me.

Libby - posted on 01/28/2009

Do you want to get rid of her things?  I don't think you have to.  I don't think I would be able to part with any of my daughter's things.  She's only been gone 8 weeks.  I never really had the opportunity to buy her things yet because I had been on bedrest for most of my pregnancy, but I did have things set aside for her that I had kept from having two other children.  The rest of the stuff that I didn't want to keep for her I gave away.  So, the stuff I did keep I don't think I could part with, especially because I would like to have atleast one more child.  I do have some special items that were bought for her from my mom and my brother in law that I am going to keep in a special place.  I don't think there's any right or wrong thing to do with your daughter's things. 

McKenna - posted on 01/28/2009

we lost our little boy at 16 days due  to a genetic heart disease I was 16 at the time. And i still have so many of his things. I did get rid of some of his stuff but I held on to it for 2 years and then found out I was pregnant again with another boy.  So he was able to use his brothers things. and i kept them still. We now have our third son and he was born with the same disease but they were able to treat him with a transplant and now he wears his big brothers stuff to. When you are ready to let go you will. You may never want to get rid of her stuff. MY son would have been 5 this July. The pain never goes away I feel it gets easier with time and the more I talk about it it seems to help. E-mail me if you ever feel like you want to chat.