Does it Ever get better

Deann - posted on 03/30/2010

So sorry for your loss.My baby girl,Shelby,was born today and passed away also,time does help but you never ever forget.It does get better,weird to say. But when March 3oth comes every year I get tears in my eyes,but we go to her grave,bring ballons and i also go by my self.Having my other daughter 13 monthes later helped,wish I could have them both,but time doesn't make it all better but the pain does lessen in a sense but your son will always be in you heart! He is up with my baby girl and may they be at peace and whooping it up for Shelby today. Write to me anytime you want!! I am here for you,it is nice to have people who know what your going threw.We don't get many acknowledgements on this day anymore,but when we do,it means the world to me that people remember.I know it's been a decade but I don't want folks to ever forget her even though she had a short life. I was in the hospital for 6weeks with her due to pre-term labor and holding if off for as long as they could.So come the end of feb,I think of the long time laying in hospital with her,but I would trade that time with her in my belly for the world. Take care of yourself and know it's ok to have the feelings you have.Like I said write to me anytime you want.I am no expert but know what it is like to have that loss. Deann

Laura - posted on 03/30/2010

I am 17 now, my daughter will be two. When i was 15, which is crazy i know.. I got pregnant with twins, Twin A my son Chase, and Twin B my daughter Peyton. I delivered at 24 weeks. I heard him cry, and he opened his eyes to me and he was my little boy, i love my daughter but he was just a "mommys boy". We lost him 36 days after he was born to an infection we decided to take him off the machines because he would have suffered with mental and physical disabilities, and we didnt think that would be any life for him. So we held him as he passed. I feel it gets better sometimes but certain days like my daughters birthday hurt so bad because you know you had that other baby that should be right next to their sibling. I think some days are easier than others and i do think it gets better but you'll always have those days that hurt... so hang in there for your other son, i do for my daughter and i tell her about her brother everyday... i make sure she knows who she had with her that whole time. i see it in her too that shes distant since she doesnt have him and she rocks herself to sleep which most twins do when theyve lost one it fills their void and soothes them... i know she hurts as bad as i do everyday but i just try to stay happy and tell her the good things... try to stay strong, he knows you love him but he needs you too because he feels your loss too. He knows you love him, and so does your little angel watching over you guys... he lives through your other son as does mine through my daughter.

Nicole - posted on 03/30/2010

Ashley, I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my twins both at 13 weeks in December of 2007 and then lost an ectopic pregnancy just a few months later in March of 2008. It will be 2 years since the loss of my ectopic pregnancy tomorrow and I will say that although some days are hard still, it does get better over time. I think of my lost children often but now I think of them most days with a smile and can think of them without crying. I hope the best for you and know that you're not alone in how you feel. Nicole

Hazel - posted on 03/30/2010

I know how hard it is for you to write all that but I know that it helped because I was you 8 years ago . My twin girls were born on march 26th 2002 niamh my twin b was stillborn that day and chloe twin a was rushed to the neo natal unit where she stayed for 5 months another month later she came home . but all that time i felt so guilty at all the attention i was giving her and not been able to give the same to niamh it is a horrible thought to have but at her furneal all I kept thinking was will I be back here in a few days/weeks with chloe. I didnt have time to grive for niamh chloe was a very sick little girl and needed a lot of care which I gave wholeheartedly but it was when things calmed down about 2 years later that it hit me what we had been through and it nearly broke me but with the love and help of my son who was only 2/3 at the time and husband I made it. heartbreakingly chloe passed away 21st febuary 2007 just 1 month short of her 5th birthday. 8 years later it still pains me to see twins my heart breaks everytime i hear of someone lucky enough to be pregnat with twins I know it is a form of jealously and thats wrong but i mean no harm in it. I wish I could tell you it gets easier but I think that I have just developed a thicker skin. I know you love you son I bet he is a real firecraker and full of life he will give you times to be full of pride and times that you will want to pull your hair out with frustration but a mothers love cannot be measured because if they have 1 or 20 children they will all be loved in the way that they need the most . Take care of youself Ashley, from Hazel

Nikki - posted on 03/28/2010

Dear Ashley,

I lost my son 8 yrs ago and my husband lost a month and half old daughter (due to her mother's drug use in the home so that is ALWAYS hard for him to talk about). We both feel that the day to day gets better all the time and life is so full that we are happy but there are always gonna be the moments where you wonder what they would look like now or what their personality would be but those memoents are not nearly as painful as time goes by. but as it has already been said by Rene' if you are still hurting soooo much...you need to see someone. Don't go through this alone. Even though we are here for you and you should feel free to share with us...professional help may be the best thing to get through it and learn coping skills. Don't for a second think your not loving your son just because you are grieving for your other son. In fact you can look at your son and say boy I love you and I am sooooo glad God gave me the miricle of you because in losing your brother I see how fragile life is and will never take that for granted. My hubby asked me not that long ago how I can still have so much faith in god after all the bad that has happened to me (I lost triplets very late in my pg and twins in the 6th month and now I have a step son who is my son and I love dearly) and I answered just that: Beacuse what has happened to me shows me that there are so many things that can go wrong...it HAS to be a miracle for everything to right and for a life to be created and continued. Remember your son is your miracle and when your grief starts to subside I am SURE you will SEE and FEEL that you love him with every fiber of your being.

Rachelle - posted on 03/27/2010

Dear Ashley, I am sorry to hear about your baby. I didn't have twins but I lost a baby at 41wks, and had another 11 mths later. Sometimes I think I tried to replace him, but I know that's not really true. I love both my sons dearly. My angel son was born in 2004, sometimes it feels like it is easier, other times I think I feel I am just finally finding different ways to deal with his loss. I don't think it ever gets easier or better, but that total feeling of numbness does pass, and you can live a "normal" life with your other children, you just find different ways to incorporate him into your life. I wish you all the best, just don't give up because it is a long and hard journey. Other people do not understand this.

Rene' - posted on 03/26/2010

dearest ashley, my name is rene' and my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry. My 6 month old son, Benjamin, went to heaven when his father accidently left him in his truck June 17th, 2004 (I am still married to him and am very much in love with, it was a horrific accident) Our other son was 4yrs old at the time. I know you want to stay strong for your son, but you need to get some help for yourself. After Ben was born (Dec 23, 2003) a suffered postpartum depression. I stopped eating, had touble breathing, and felt like everything was difficult but I had to be strong for my baby. I finally saw my family doctor and got on some safe anti-depressants because I was nursing at the time. Please, please, please talk to a doctor especially since you say things have been getting worse lately. It's important you take this seriously and take care of yourself. my sister used this example for me, its like when you are in an airplane and the oxegyn masks come down when you lose air pressure and the flight attendants say to always put the mask on your self first. The reason, like what you are going through, is if you don't get the oxygen on and pass out, you won't be able to help those who need you. So you put on your oxegyn (see your doctor, get meds, and please try to find a compassionate counselor, the right one does help you walk through all this horrific pain) and then you can be there and be strong for your baby! I know you can because you are talking about it and reaching out to people who understand and care. I understand about holding it in until you get in the car. I did that all the time, especially when someone would ask how many children I had. Also, God is NOT punishing you... I felt the same way. I felt like He didn't think I could take care of two children so He took one back. I want you to know it is very okay to angry with God. It has been almost 6 years and I am still angry and have huge trust issues with God. I will tell you it DOES get better. You will always feel the huge hole in your heart, but time is one thing you can not hurry up or slow down. Some days you have to take it one hour or one minute at a time, but it will get better. I didn't believe at first when my beloved counselor told me that, I thought there was no way on earth. But you do. At first you cry all the time, then you start crying less, and less. You will take steps forward, then will fall, but you get back up and keep moving forward. What kept me going was my son. I had no choice but to get up and create as normal a routine for him as possible. It made me get out of bed when I wanted to lay in a ball and shut the world out. Your son will always remind you of the son you have in heaven, be he will also remind you of life and all it has to offer. Blowing bubbles, tickles and gigles, reading books, playing in the park. But, it does not mean you are thinking any less of your angel in heaven. It is okay to look at your earthly angel and think of your heavinly angel, it is okay. Think of it this way, we all have guardian angels, and grown ups have grown up angels and I believe grown up guardian angels would be overpowering to an earthly angel. They need baby guardian angels and your earthly angel has his brother as his guardian angel. That's special. Yes, I know, you would rather him be here on earth with his brother, playing and wrestling and all those boy things. I feel the same. But if my older son was going to have a guardian angel, I can't think of anything better than his precious baby brother as his personal guardian angel. I want you to know I would love to talk to you any time because I have walked many miles of unspeakable pain. You can get through this and I am here to help. You are a good mom and a strong lady. You will get through this, just keep moving forward. You will always have a hand to help you up.....mine. Your new friend, Rene' (((hugs)))