Does the pain of loss ever go away?

Staci - posted on 03/09/2012

I am so sorry for your loss! It is devastating! On Nov. 13 it will be 11 years since my son was stillborn at 28 weeks gestation. Contractions had started so I had to go through with labor and delivery knowing that he would not be alive when he was born. I was devastated. What made it even more difficult to bear was two of my sisters were pregnant at the same time and so I had to watch them continue through their pregnancies and deliver healthy babies. It took me a long time to let myself get through all my anger at God - by crying out to God, releasing my anger. The pain has never gone away and I know it never will.....but I know that by leaning on the strength of the Lord, I can get through it every day. I hope your family can find the strength and peace. It doesn't go away but you learn to deal with it.

Sarah - posted on 02/27/2012

On march 4th it will be 10 years since my son was still born. He died interuterine, and I had to go through a normal labor knowing nothing good was coming from it. I can say the pain dulls with time, but never goes away. Strange things trigger crying spurts. My thoughts and prayers go to your family and I hope your daughter can find peace.

Brenda - posted on 02/25/2012

HB,



Am really sorry for your loss as well. I don't think that this was Gods plan at all that a parent should see the death of their children. The strange thing is that it took us 3 years and 5 months to get pregnant and when he did come he was a Ectopic pregnancy stuck somewhere in my left tube and God did a miracle when my pastor prayed for us and he supernaturally moved into the uterus after a prayer. I was advised to terminate but i just didnt have that as an option. The doctor who did my first scan recommended we terminate immediately as he was already 6 weeks old and way too big for my tubes to support. Then after a very hard i must add pregnancy just to loose him like that. I was so mad at God because i felt he let me down and just last week have i returned to church because someone made some really stupid comment and it was while i was asking myself what the point was of being a christian. Because from my state it was clear that what the bible says was not evident and that my life had a different testimony.



He cried from the first day and it just broke my heart to see him in this state. He would be on his knees praying and then would just break out into uncontrollable sobs but would carry on praying and i would go and hold him. He would just keep on praying while holding tightly to me and i would let go as soon as it subsided. This happen for 4 days and finally it dawned on me that my little boy was gone because by this time my tummy was flat again. I started crying and haven't stopped since its been really hard. Sometimes i get better than others but deep down i don't think i will ever get over this. I continue to trust God against the odds but its really hard. I really don't have anything that i could possibly say to you that could make you feel better but one thing i do know is that it gets to be in between longer periods.

HB - posted on 02/24/2012

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I just lost my 2 month old infant myself. We are in a storm of emotions at the moment and miss him greatly. My mother is even worse than me. We all twitch from nervous breakdowns and are in really bad condition psychologically... My husband and I are going to see a therapist on Monday. My husband keeps gardening and that gives him comfort, but he also is devastated...

I can't imagine anyone to forget a child, for however long he/she lived!

Brenda - posted on 02/24/2012

Am new here my sons name is Etienne and he came at 6 and a half months. I miss him terribly and i just dont know that i would return to this place. His loss was very hard on us both but i finally started getting on with my life but today am back here and the pain is so real and i have rage also. i need some help

Brandy - posted on 02/23/2012

It's been 5 years since I lost my first and 4 since I lost my second. If she wishes to try again finding the right doctors is key. A fetal specialist may help also. If that is her choice. I have a 2year old precious little girl now thanks to th right doctors. The pain doesnt ever go away completely. I was driving home from work the other day and heard a song that was talking about little white crosses and I started crying. I still get pissed when I see ppl with tons of kids that they cant take care of or ppl who abuse their kids! Why did god give those ppl kids but not me? I am still not over the loss. A therapist helps, even just a support group or a friend that will hate the octo mom with you! It is obvious she has an excellent support system, it will help her greatly. *hugs*

Brandy - posted on 02/23/2012

It's been 5 years since I lost my first and 4 since I lost my second. If she wishes to try again finding the right doctors is key. A fetal specialist may help also. If that is her choice. I have a 2year old precious little girl now thanks to th right doctors. The pain doesnt ever go away completely. I was driving home from work the other day and heard a song that was talking about little white crosses and I started crying. I still get pissed when I see ppl with tons of kids that they cant take care of or ppl who abuse their kids! Why did god give those ppl kids but not me? I am still not over the loss. A therapist helps, even just a support group or a friend that will hate the octo mom with you! It is obvious she has an excellent support system, it will help her greatly. *hugs*

Dawn - posted on 01/31/2012

Thank you Lisa. Yes, they are thinking an incompetent cervix. Her incredible doctor at the best hospital in our area told her if she ever decided to try again that he would love to be her doctor. He is a specialist and very highly regarded. She hung on in labor a week trying to save her son. It got to the point that the doctor would leave in the evening and say "Hope to see you tomorrow...." He was there to deliver little Levi, and to cry with us when he passed on. If she ever does, years down the line, she will go with him for sure. He's wonderful. Right now she has a project, which is amazing, but I know it's a front. She bought her first home, and she's trying to keep busy working trying to pay for it. Nice, and also tough. I respect all of you and your stories and thank you so much for your support. I haven't seen her much lately because unfortunately the things that bring us closest, also don't last forever. I am in the stage of missing her so badly I can't help but to think of it all the time. Glad she is busy though.

Thanks again. :) Very much. Dawn

Lisa - posted on 01/31/2012

Everyone will deal with this in their own way. I have had 4 children... 3 are living... only one of them was a typical, healthy birth. So many emotions... so much questioning and the 'why's which I hate. You must work through it... cry, get angry, and eventually an acceptance will come. If it doesn't, or a true depression sets in, then therapy may be needed. I will say it definitely gets easier with time. When my son was born and lived 3 hours at full-term because of a undetected tumor I was so devastated and angry. It took me months before the daily crying subsided. She should cry! She should be MAD! All I really wanted people to say was that it was TERRIBLE, and it sucks, and that they were there or me and would help me through this time. As I get older and have experienced more life I now understand that we all have things in life we must live through and perservere...I have not forgotten our son but the pain is much duller and life will go on. I also must add... if she decides at some point to try again... she better have a very aggressive doctor. I've heard too many times, "I'm sure it won't happen again..". Does she have an incompetent cervix? I did (thus my other pregnancy problems) but a good doctor will be aggressive with your management and may be able to prevent another loss. Some of us just have very bad luck with pregnancy. I wish you guys so much brighter days. Some day these will all be battle-scars.. and I pray that she finds a way to get the family she so wants. Best wishes.

Dawn - posted on 01/30/2012

Thank you Jane. I hope so. Seeing her cry and try and be so strong is the hardest thing I have ever seen. I feel helpless when there is nothing I can do for her. Sometimes I wonder which is harder. Loosing a child the way she did, or the way I am. I feel like I've lost her to depression and loosing herself. We have an angel park in our town dedicated to all children who are fallen angels. It's beautiful, and they have many vigils. She can't attend, as it makes her more sad to hear all the sad stories of everyone. I find it comforting.. Everyone deals differently with grief. We have planed trees. Funny you said that. We've done a lot in their memory. It just doesn't help the pain of them not being here on earth. Memories are vivid, and she considers herself damaged goods.

Therapy is something I suggest all the time, but her partner won't leave her side, and he isn't into it. He says it is geared more towards the Mother's and does nothing for the Fathers... Grrr. But anyway, thank you for your post. Even less piercing at this point would be nice.

Respectfully,

Dawn

Jane - posted on 01/30/2012

It never goes away but over time it should get less piercing. There are things you both can do to help get rid of the pain - a counselor might be a good option. Some people find that planting a tree in the memory of each child is helpful.



Don't get me wrong - you will never forget and you will never stop mourning but you will stop being in such immense pain.