does your husband/boyfriend talk about the miscarriage?

Amanda - posted on 02/15/2010 ( 13 moms have responded )

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my husband and i miscarried 7 weeks ago. he never talks about it and it's as if it never happened. i try to talk to him but he usually just changes nods his head or changes the subject. finally, the other night i thought he was finally going to talk to me, but all he ended up saying is to go to counseling if i thought i needed it. it really bothered me. i don't want to go to counseling, i just want to be able to talk to him about it. i don't want to pretend that it didn't exist.

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Crystal - posted on 03/07/2010

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I had three miscarriages in two years, and my husband reacted the same way.He tries to act like nothing ever happened too. He did finally admit why he acted that way though. He said he had to be strong for me and help me get through it so he hid his own feelings or we would have both broken down. Maybe that is how your husband feels.

Joyce - posted on 02/28/2010

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Amanda he is probably trying to tell you (that he dosen't quite understand what happened and feeling a little guilty about it too..Some men find it hard to handling womens emotions) Thats why God made men AND women.You both need to go along TOGETHER and see your doctor..have him explain..and reassure you both.Unfortunately miscarriages happen and happen for a reason NO ONES FAULT>

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i lost my 1st lil girl when i was 21 weeks prego my now ex husband wouldnt even stay in the delivery room w me i had to push her out by myself n he basically didnt talk to me for the next week they said it was due to an incompetant cervix but a month later they told me it could have happened bc he cheated on me and gave me something thank god it was something i was able to get rid of along with his cheating ass. it was like he just wanted to brush it under the table and forget about it.

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Cynthia - posted on 03/02/2010

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well i think u should not b mad at ur husband he just does not now how to deal...i lost my child in january and not i nor my husband talk about it if i do im scared i wont be able not cry every time i c friends with thier infants but we also lost my stepson who was 12 that is in our everyday and every moment of our lives now i ask u am i a bad person for not being able to deal with the lost of our 12 yearold child before i deal with the lost of the baby?sometimes i think he does not care because we lost our big boy but who knows we as humins never no what we r doing u r not alone in ur pain or confusin

Kerrin - posted on 02/21/2010

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My husband & I have suffered a miscarriage & a stillbirth but he's reacted differently to both.

With the miscarriage, I hadn't known I was pregnant until I was miscarrying it was so early on, so to my husband it was a lot like I wasn't pregnant cause we hadn't known. I was upset at the time but I could understand his reasoning.

Our daughter was born stillborn in Jan 09 so that was a bit different but he found it very hard to talk about & pretty much didn't for 6 months while I wanted to talk about our daughter. She was always 'the baby' until he pretty much collapsed one night.I think part of it was he felt he needed to be strong for me & in part because he didn't get family support from half his family - he knew he could talk to my folks but it's not the same as having the support of his own parents. His mother to this day won't acknowledge Ashley. I also don't think it helped that just as we were plodding along after losing her, our closest friends announced they were 14 weeks pregnant. He's told me since that he was upset more for me but I think it was hard for us both in different ways.

I think part of him needed to push it aside straight after it happened to function (he's also bi-polar with mild schizophrenia) & he needed to deal with what happened in his own time before he could share with me which he does now whenever he feels the need to. I just don't push him (unless I can see it's effecting his mental health) but now that we've gotten through all the 'firsts' he is a lot more relaxed & willing to talk about our lil girl.

Kelsey - posted on 02/20/2010

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Hi, Its a hard time to go through. You may feel like you are the only one going through it. Men deal with these emotional things diffrent to us. My husband and i had our first child very easily.But when we started to try again it wouldnt happen. And it took over our lives for the next five years. We ended up going down the ivf road, which my husband was not keen on. But they will never know what it is like to be a woman and want to be a mother more than anything. His thourght were we had one that was enough. And dont get me wrong I love my daughter more than anything, but to have the option taken away at 24 years was heart breaking. In the end we lost four babies, the first just before 12 weeks we took that hard. My husband moved one very quickly, i found that hard. Like i was not given time to grieve. As bad as it is to say each baby i lost got a bit easier. And in the end we have another daughter who has just turned one and she is the light of our lives. I think when you know what it is to lose a child when you do finally have one you hold them all that much closer and appreciate what you have all the more. Let your husband deal with it his way it is a man thing. He will talk when he is ready. You talk to someone who understands what it is like to go through what you have. Men will never know what is is to have a child grow inside them. I'am certain he loves you and is trying to deal with it his way. When he is ready he will talk. There is no point pushing him you will just end up angry, and without the answers you want. As they say men are from mars and women are from venus. Best of luck with you future i hope all goes well.

Julie - posted on 02/20/2010

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my husband won't talk about it. if a bring it up he be like it over it there nothing you could of done to stop it. i was pregnant with twin and lost them at 10 weeks.its upset me that he won't saying thing nice to me. its still hurts me and only been 7months ago. they were not growing and all that. i just fell like its wa my fault. i didn't know i was pregnant and me and my sister went cali and rode on rides and i'm a smoker and i love pepsi. all the bad things to do and i if like if a knew ahead of time they would be here today. when i was pregnant with my child i quite smoking cigs and drank more water.i dont know anymore

Lyn - posted on 02/19/2010

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men and women deal differently with the loss of a child, he could very well be in denile. also he could be hurting inside and not sure how to vocalize it or even sure if he should. some men feel emasculated if they cry and you see them, assure him that you don't need counseling you need each other PERIOD. give him time.

Amanda - posted on 02/18/2010

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My husband doesn't mention our son either but when I ask him he says he tries not to think about him because it does upset him. When I got pregnant with my daughter after my son had passed, my husband said he was so scared and nervous the whole time I was pregnant for fear it would happen again. So they do feel they just don't show it openly as we do. And as far as counseling, I found that a women's barevement group worked for me. We get together once amonth andyou are able to talk openly and see how much in common your feelings are with everyone else, we show each other pictures and it's like there just as real as my living children.

Shanna - posted on 02/18/2010

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Roger NEVER mentionsit. The best way he deals with thigs that bother him, are by milling them around in his head. The other day he came and gave me a huge hug and said, "Baby, i'm sorry i havent mentioned the baby... how are you holding up?" So maybe he just needs time.

Amanda - posted on 02/17/2010

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sorry, i guess i worded that badly. we have three healty boys. thank you for your comments they have been very helpful.

Natasha - posted on 02/16/2010

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Dear Amanda

Like my husband said. He is in denile. Each person choose to deal with a child or pregnancy loss in their own way. Some people work extra hard, some people cry the whole time and some people make jokes, yes some people do. But everyone deals with it in their own way. But men usually don't go through the same grieving process as we do. It doesn't mean that they don't care, it is just that they dont know how to deal with it. My husband and I lost a son. I was 33 weeks pregnant when he passed away. And since then my husband didn't talk about him once. He prefers not to. Not because he don't care, but because he is probably afraid. You know men. They are mucho and they don't cry!!

Sorry to hear that you lost 4 pregnancies. I can't imagine how it must feel like. Loosing 4 babies. Hope you are doing okay!!

Shakirah - posted on 02/16/2010

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don't be mad at your husband. most men don't know how to deal with loss the way women do. we are much more sensitive than they are. my daughter was stillborn at 36 weeks and my husband never cried in front of me. it has been almost 5 years he did finally admit that when it first happened he went outside and cried. i know he loves our daughter but that is just how men are. they don't express the way we do. my husband would never say her name but he went out and got a tattoo with her name so. i know it's frustrating that he won't talk about it but don't hold it against him.

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