Explaining to sibling...?

Nicole - posted on 12/12/2009 ( 10 moms have responded )

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I'm having a very difficult time explaining to my 4yr old son about his two baby angels. Sarah born @ 29 wks Feb 07, & Nikia born f/t active labour Nov 08. It's been an extreamly hard few years. And i simply don't enjoy christmas, i feel as if i'm just going throught the motions. But, the delima that i still struggle with is my son, and his understanding. His askin of why he didn't get to keep his baby sisters, and his cousin did. ( my sister-in-law had a baby girl a few months after Nikia was born. A baby they didn't want... her two other children are 18 & 13) he keeps askin y he didn't get to keep his. and i'm totally drained of ideas on how to explain it to him. Any suggestion on how you told sibilings?? Thanks in advance for your help.

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Debbie - posted on 01/07/2010

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Nicole, we have little remembrances for child we have lost. They are a part of our family. Our 4 year old still asks questions, and we give him the same answers...over and over, and over again.
We held the burial service in November (something we felt we needed to do as a family) and he routinely asks to go visit. He tells them he is their brother and that he loves them and misses them.
When he asks "Why" we tell him that we simply do not know and that sometimes things happen that even adults can't explain.

Lindsey - posted on 01/07/2010

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Also to clear this up, I hadn't even read your post until just a few moments ago. I was not judging you at all. I don't know why you thought that, but I'm sorry that you did. And I am sorry for your loss as well.

Lindsey - posted on 01/07/2010

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Vikie, I was not judging you at all! So I'm sorry if you misunderstood my post. I was simply telling her what 3 child psychologist advised me to do with my daughter to help her through the death of her sister! I used the terms the psychologists used! I was not stating that you were doing that in any way shape or form. So, once again sorry for any misunderstanding.

Vickie - posted on 01/07/2010

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I am sorry for your loss Lindsey. However, I do not understand your post. I can assure you I do not "sugar coat" my daughter's death. The response I gave was an honest one. That is how I honestly feel. If you don't feel the same way, I can understand that, but you are out of line to judge how other people handle thier loss. My other children and the children that knew her at school also accept she is in heaven now.
Your post was very hurtful.

Lindsey - posted on 01/06/2010

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I lost my 3.5 month old daughter Savannah 6.5 years ago. My situation was a little different than most. My older daughter Kaylie was 3 when her sister died. But, she found her sister in her crib and new that she had died. Don't ask me how she knew, but she did. So, I had to explain to her why. I went to a child psycologist (I know I spelled that wrong, but oh well) and the best advise they gave me, was always answer the questions that she has TRUTHFULLY! DO NOT SUGAR COAT IT! There reasoning for this made a lot of sense to me after I thought about it. If you sugar coat or lie, you will only confuse your son, because as when he gets older he will start to put all of the pieces together from what you told him. If you lie or sugar coat it, those pieces will not make sense to him. This could end up being a very confusing set back for him and his grieving. Once he has put all of the pieces together, he will stop asking you questions. When he stops asking questions, it should give you a very good feeling, because at that point you know that you have done your job as a parent and given him everything he needs to be okay with it. A lot of people in my family gave me a hard time for telling my daughter the truth and in a sense talking to her like she was an adult. They thought she was too young to hear those things. But, when it comes down to it she was too young to lose her sister , but that happened anyway! She has a very good understanding of her sisters death now. And she can openly talk to me about her without breaking down. She is 9 now.

Vickie - posted on 01/06/2010

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I'm so sorry for your loss Nicole. I lost my six year daughter on December 3rd 2006.

We had spent the day decorating the outside for Christmas, the next thing I knew, she was gone from a senseless accident. As you can imagine, celebrating Christmas the same month as her anniversary is hard. I still celebrate Christmas and enjoy the season for what it stands for, hope. My other children were much older than Arianne.

My eldest son was 21, daughter 18, and son 16. Ironically my eldest son had the hardest time coming to terms with her death. He hated God, hated the doctors for not saving her, and so on. This was very hard for me because I have a very strong faith in God. I finally had to come to terms that he had to deal with our loss in his own way.

Finally he wrote me a letter explaining how he had finally come to terms with her death.

He said, he realized she was so perfect (and she was) that she was like an Angel, and Angels are not meant to live on earth, they are meant to live in heaven where everything is perfect.God had simply loaned her to us to let us know Angels are with us, even if we can't see them all the time. She is still with us.

I thought it was the most beautiful explanation I had ever read, and I felt a great sense of peace because I knew it was true.

Please don't resent your sister-in-law. We cannot see what is in the hearts of others.

Resentment just adds to dispair, and don't need any more of that to weigh down your heart.

Tell your son his sisters were little Angels, and Angels are not meant to live with us on earth.

God just sent them to you breifly so you would know they are watching over you. Repeat as necessary. Be patient with him and eventually he will make his own peace.

I want to add that I teach art at the school my daughter went to, and even after three years her friends still ask me about her and why she is gone. I always give the same answer.

Terralynn - posted on 01/06/2010

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Nicole just cae across this post..Just wanted you to know Im thinking of you..We had that problem with the boys too where they were older when I lost Kristopher..Especially Kaleb. We explained as best we could to him that Kristopher was an angel in heaven..We explained he was in the clouds. And they still point and say is that kristopher up there..
But there are books we read..We were gonna have a baby but instead we had an angel was one..And there were some molre we read too..It helped kaleb a lot..Patti would know some good ones

Stacia - posted on 12/18/2009

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I lost my daughter in June @ 18 weeks pregnant. I was showing and my 3 yr old knew there was another baby coming (he has twin brothers that are a year old - they don't understand). After coming home from the hospital, he asked me if I was pregnant and I said no. Since we just had the twins 6 months earlier, he then asked where the baby was? Of course, I started crying and we told him that she is an angel and is with God and all his relatives that are in Heaven. He never asked many questions, but he did help us name his little sister...Natalee Amber. I am so sorry for your loss and good luck in explaining your loss.

Sarah - posted on 12/13/2009

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I am so sorry about Sarah.. I lost my baby 11.22.2009 i was about 11 wks.. And I told my 5 year and my 3 year I was having a baby and when I lost I told them that God and thier great grandamas wanted to play with the baby and they wanted our baby because s/he is very special.. Hope it helps.. feel free to message me if you need an more help

Delina - posted on 12/13/2009

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I found some books that explained some to my son. Children grieve differently. AS they get older and there brains develops they grieve again and again. I told my son that god had a special job for maddy in heaven and she was needed to play with the angels and it wasnt his fault that she was gone. For some reason kid blame themselves. the books are: THIS BOOK IS FOR ALL KIDS'BUT ESPECIALLY MY SISTER LIBBY.SHE DIED

WHERE DO PEOPLE GO WHEN THEY DIE

AND WHEN DINOSAURES DIE:A GUIDE TO UNDERSTANDING DEATH.

Message me if u need n e more help.

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