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Motherhood after the death of a child: pregnancy, infant

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finding ways to express your feelings

Tammy - posted on 03/09/2010 ( 4 moms have responded )

When I lost my oldest son, I found that people were having a hard time understanding what exactly I was feeling. I figured out that the easiest way for me to explain how I felt and what I was feeling, was to write the words down. Later on, I could go back and look at the words I wrote. It helped me to understand my fears, my anger, my lost for the child that is no longer here. Even now after 5 years, I still write down my thoughts, whether its a poem or just a few lines, it really does help clear my head and emotions, and it helps others who may not have lost a child to finally understand the true pain that never goes away. I wrote this one about a month after he was gone. Maybe you can find something in my words to take with you, to help you.

A Mother Dreams

As my head falls upon the pillows, tears streaming down my face, Soaking the pillows wet
A mothers heart pounds so strongly, fighting the urge not to scream in agony
Begging the Goddess and all Angels to hold me tight this night so I may sleep
Let me see the son I lost, and will never again see with my own eyes, for its only in dreams that he comes now

Let me dream tonight of my little boy who gave his heart to me, so very long ago
Let me dream tonight of my little boy, whose blue eyes shone as brightly as the deepest sea
Let me dream Tonight of my little boy, who slowly grew into a young man
Let me dream tonight of my little boy, who became a father himself, having a son, with the same blue eyes

Let me hold him close and comfort him, telling him not to be afraid of the dark
Let me kiss his cheeks, telling him that I will always love him
Let me caress his strong hand, that use to hold mine
Let me hear his laughter and see the smile upon his face
Let me hear his voice telling me not to worry that all will be well

Each memory I see so clearly, each thought is of him
Every tear is filled with pain and sorrow, I cannot hide it
Every day is like walking in a void, not knowing what day it is
Praying that the pain will never go away, for then the reality will set in
That my Son, is no longer here on earth, that now I must wait till its my time to go
Then I will no longer need to dream

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Amy - posted on 05/06/2010

Your poems are beautiful, thank you for sharing. When i lost my son (stillborn @25 weeks) i was having a hard time coping and my fiance could tell i was getting to the point where i didnt want to talk to anyone b/c they either didnt understand what i was going through or i constantly heard "you can try again". One day he brought me a journal its blue and gray and has the sky on it and in the clouds it has the words "a mother's journal". when you open it the first page looks like a page from a babybook with all the details,date weight parents ect. but the rest of it is pages for me to fill. Some times i write in it more than others but b/w this site and that journal it has truly helped me cope. You are very right though, when you cant think of what to say writing does help. Thank you so much for sharing your poems with us!

Tammy - posted on 03/11/2010

Ty for your very nice compliments of my words..I was looking through my other poems and prayers and found another one that I wrote. As you may have notice I make reference to the Goddess, for I am Wiccan and I hope that doesn't bother too many ppl. Maybe my words can help you heal too on those dark days when you may feel that no one is listening to your voice and understanding your pain. Blessed be to those who have lost and may you find some relief with these words.

A Mothers Song

Mother all of children, who cradles them in her arms
I pray to you
Father of all children, who watches them from above
I pray to you
Hear this mothers song of sadness and heartache

Let me feel the sun once again upon my skin,
For it will show me that you have not forgotten me

Let me hear the winds sing their song, that blows across the sky
For it will fill my soul with its healing medicine

Let me touch the earth, as I kneel with my head down
For it will take my tears and let me mourn

This mothers tears of pain will fall upon the ground
My voice will carry to the heavens my plea
And my soul will be lifted to meet the guardians
Let me remember always what was given to me and what has been taken
In dreams I see what was, what could have been, and what will never be
And I give thanks and praise for the gift of life that was given to me
For that life, that child that grew inside my womb, will never be forgotten

As the days turn to weeks, and weeks turn into months
Months turn into years
My heart will continue to ache for the child that is now
resting within your arms
So I ask that you give me strength to see each dawn with
Healing heart and soul
So shall I ask, so mote it be

Crystal - posted on 03/10/2010

wow i think you should be a writer for women every where that was amazing and really moved me it reminded me of the dream of my son the night after he pasted and i think it was gods way of helping the bad image i last seen of him with a good one