Grieving over my dead son

Annakatrice - posted on 07/01/2010 ( 33 moms have responded )

1

0

0

i lost my son 5 months in my pregnancy he look identical like my husband so i talk abt my son everyday my husband and my mom say i need to stop talking abt him everyday he's dead get over it u need to heal but it only been 8 months i have no one to talk to im going crazy. But i feel better talking abt him i dont want to act like he never excited. My husband get jealous is o talk to any1 else. My son died from placental abruption. I dont talk to my sister becuse 8 hrs after giving birth she said it was my fault we havent talked evey since.im lost i have no one to turn to.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

TINA - posted on 04/06/2012

63

10

2

My child has died - what can you do to help?



Please don't ask "how are you?" unless you really want to know the answer...

How are you?" has become a meaningless greeting to which the expected answer is "fine". But I am not fine. At best I'm a bit fragile and a lot of the time I'm far worse - I feel upset, hurt, bewildered, angry, guilty. But these and other normal feelings which follow the death of someone you love are not the things of polite conversation. So if you are not prepared to hear about them, choose another way to greet me.



Don't expect to much of me too soon....

If I'd broken my leg I'd have a plaster cast on and you wouldn't expect me to get back to normal for months. you can't put broken feelings in plaster and you can't see the scars. But they need time to heal and I need time to come to terms with the realization that "normal" from now on is life without my child.



Don't ignore the death or the child that died...

You wouldn't have any trouble talking about good news. If I'd just won Lotto it would be the first thing you would mention. Bad news is different - you probably don't know what to say or how to say it. But the death of my child is the most important thing in my life and it helps to acknowledge that.



Be honest, and try to avoid platitudes...

"This is awful, I don't know what to say" is far more help than cliched phrases that aren't true anyway. Time alone doesn't heal, the fact we've got each other is irrelevant because two drowning people can't save each other and there is no comfort in the thought of this misery being God's will.



Don't think that having, or being able to have, other children will lessen the pain of my child's death...

A child who loses a favorite toy will not be placated by a substitute. And so it is with people. I loved my child for who he was as an individual, not as an interchangeable piece in a set and mourning for him, at least at first will strain rather than strengthen bonds with other children.



If you want to help, make specific offers not empty promises...Saying "if there's anything I can do" might make you feel good, but I'm unlikely to take you up because I probably don't know what I need and I'm unsure what your "anything" means. However if you turn up with food, an offer to babysit, or just a listening ear, your kindness will be gratefully accepted.



Practice, don't preach...

However weak or strong my faith, and whatever your beliefs, this is no time for sermons.



Be sensitive...

I find it hard to believe life in the outside world is still going on when my private world has collapsed. I hope my child's death won't leave me bitter. But it will take me time, months, years, before the weight of my own feelings lightens enough to allow me to share your joys or sorrows.



Don't expect me to follow a prescribed pattern of grieving...

Denial, anger, guilt, depression and acceptance are all stages in the grief process but no two people will go through them in the same way. I'll have good days and bad days, sometimes I'll cope with a lot, at other times I'll be phased by little things. It may seem illogical to you, but then feelings often are.



Don't confuse control with coping...

A stiff upper lip probably means I've got a tight rein on my feelings, not that I have come to terms with them. You may not be comfortable with crying or screaming but they are far healthier than numbness, which is a sign of denial.



Keep in touch...

I'll always be grateful for the practical and moral support you gave immediately after the death and I know you have to get on with your life.

But grief doesn't end with the funeral and occasional phone call, note or visit will let me know you haven't forgotten.



The death of my child has left me emotionally and spiritually shattered. It will take time to put the pieces together again, to rebuild relationships. But when things get really bad, knowing there is a friend who cares may be all I need to tip the balance in favour of recovery.



Written by Elspeth Ludemann. First published in "North and South" (New Zealand) in March 1991.

Tammy - posted on 07/05/2010

2

1

0

Hi My name is Tammy, I lost my son in march 2009. He was 18 i cant get over it eather and i would love to talk to some one, and im a good listener. I know you cant ever get over it , BUT IF YA NEED A FRIEND JUST HALLA. K love Tammy

Anne - posted on 07/04/2010

4

25

2

"You are not alone". There is a group called Compassionate Friends that consists of parents who have a child that died. This is a wonderfully supportive group that will talk with you and allow you to talk about your feelings and your son. They will listen with love and tell you about their child too. Look up the group on the internet and find the closest one to you. It's wonderful to talk on line but if you can find someone close to you so you can sit and chat over a cup of coffee that is the best! You are not alone Annakatrice. All the feelings and responses from your family are normal. I know that sounds bad or sad but understanding that you are experiencing normal has a way of helping. All my love, David's mother, Anne (I am a compassionate friend)

Kathrynd - posted on 05/24/2012

1

0

0

Hi, I am sorry for your loss. I lost my son march 18, 2012. He was 19 years old. My son was shot in the back of his head. My baby was brain dead and we took him off of life support 2 days later. His heart only beat for about 5 minutes before he left us. It's only been two months and I don't know how I can live the rest if my life without my boy. I have four other children, but it is not the same. Everyone tells me to love my other children more, and I do understand where they are coming from, but that does not make me feel better. I don't know what to do. I'm lost.

Lisa - posted on 02/01/2012

6

8

0

No you don't need to stop talking! He was so precious and he is a part of you. They need to stop and listen!

I'm so sorry. I've had 2 still born babies.

Take care.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

33 Comments

View replies by

Bea - posted on 07/06/2013

1

0

0

hello..my son RB died on July 15,2011 because of dengue..until now its hard for me to accept that he was dead..i miss him so much..

Evelyn - posted on 08/26/2012

3

0

0

Hey whenever you need to talk text or email momdukes2020@gmail.com, I was told the same thing my by family members! It's been so hard for me cause ever since my 29yr old was murdered I can't stop thinking or talking about him,

Natalie - posted on 08/25/2012

1

0

0

Hi i lost my son 5 months into my pregnancy in jan 2006 and in june this year i lost my little girl at 22weeks pregnant the first time i was on.my own and just had my family and friends around me but even though i hav my fella family anx friends i dobt no how to tell them its killin.me inside that i just want my bsbies here with me all i want is to b z mum.but everytime i think its goin to b ok it gets taken away from.me im finding it really hard to deal with and my partner doesnt seem to understand we argue alot but i dnt mean to its just its hurtin so much snd he threatening to leave me but he doesnt no how much im hurtin.what can i do

natalie

Alice - posted on 05/19/2012

1

0

0

NEVER Stop talking about your baby. the child was apart of you -growing inside of you for several months . You prob. dreamt about him , named him, Loved him deep in your heart ! Find friends, loved ones, a group for Grieving parents - someone will listen , write in in a blog, go to an online group or start one yourself. Please try to understand your family a.nd the reaction they gave because everyone acts out in a different way ,< although I think they acted out wrong by telling you to stop talking .> Again Never stop talking he was alive in your belly for 5 months
My Deepest Condolences
Alice K

Beverly - posted on 04/09/2012

30

14

3

going to look this group up i still need help it has been 12 yrs and still need to talk to someone at times thanks to so much for the information

Beverly - posted on 04/09/2012

30

14

3

i am sorry for the loss of your son it is not easy i have been told that get over it also they are not in your shoes and until they are they don't know what you are going through. It does feel better to talk about it don't hold it in if you want i am here to listen to you. my son was 17 1/2 yrs. old and i lost him 12 yrs. ago this past dec. 12,1999. he died from a car wreck. will keep you in my prayers and my email is momssspeciangel@yahoo.com if you just want to send a message to get any little thing off of your mind. i will read it and listen. my heart goes out to you.

Stephanie - posted on 04/09/2012

18

14

2

I am so sorry!! You will never get over it! I pray you know God bc he is big enoughto deal with all you feel and comfort you!

Marguerite - posted on 01/26/2012

2

0

0

Hi Guys,

I would like to share my story...I recently gave birth to a baby boy name Ivan Liam Wells he was born on Jan 23,2012 and he was 22 and half weeks old he was 12 and half inches and weighed in at 1 pound 2ounces at 11:15pm he was a fighter he lived for 4hours straight died in my arms with his daddy by my side...I cremate him next week but i'm still heartbroken because I wish there was something that the doctors could do not just let him die...I find myself blaming myself and I know im not suppose to do it but its hard not to. He was the cutest lil boy you can tell he was going to look like his father who is very tall he had long fingers like him and big feet like him he resembled his father alot. I was rooting for a boy because I already have a 3year old girl and I got what I wanted I just wished he was here with me and not dead I don't know how to get back into my life normal I miss him like crazy I wish he was here...so I feel your pain I wish I could hug you guys because i need a hug a big one.

Julie - posted on 12/28/2011

50

145

5

Im so very sorry for your loss!! I loss my son as well. I miss him very much.I would like to let you know that it wasn't your fault & if you every just want to talk to someone you can PM me on FaceBook under Julie Mcghee Peck,anytime day or night. I would also like to let you know about a group that has save me in my loss.It is a more tight knit Family of women that have loss there Babies in many different ways,it is also a closed group ...I would be happy to help you to join if you would like. The name of the Main Group is....Grief Journeys Child Loss Group.Then once you get inside the group there are more smaller group for more detailed losses. There is alway someone day & night there for you.It truely is the best place I've found. It seems more like a family instead of what you get from so other groups.Dont get me wrong the other group are great too.But,I love this Group. I hope to hear from you. And,this is for anyone that has gone through this & would happen to see this post...if you would like to join or just have someone to talk with.Annakatrice,I will keep you in my thoughts & prayers. Sending Lotsof Love & Strength....♥

Yomaira - posted on 12/22/2011

12

11

4

hey name is yomaira i lost my child after birth on augs 9 ,2010 it been 4 mouth sill the pain is sill there and i wloud never getting over it i talke about him veryday of my life and very day thats go by peole tell me he is in a bertter place .. and to get over him becase i haave other kids to take care of them i feel sometime that they dont kn the pain in said of me lossing a baby and my four one ..went i want to cry i do it , it make me feel bertter andwent i go see him to ..i just tell to god how i feeling and he always there for my payers and my family i will always love him ... i miss him tooo.

Marcy - posted on 09/18/2011

3

4

0

I too lost a child, there is never getting over it. Life is never the way it used to be, it is just different. I hate when people won't talk about my son, please don't act like he never existed. My advice to you would be join a grieving parents group. I belong to one online. These people have been through what you are going through. They will be there when you need someone to listen. They can give you advice. good luck to you, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Rachel - posted on 09/13/2011

22

10

1

You can always talk on here to us... I know it's not much and I know how you feel. I lost my daughter to SIDS and people don't like when I talk about her it makes me so mad like they want me to forget her! Tell your family that it makes you feel better to talk about him and that he is always going to be your son

Evelyn - posted on 09/11/2011

3

0

0

Thank you Beverly, sometimes I just close myself in my room just so I wont get anyone upset with me

Beverly - posted on 09/11/2011

30

14

3

i lost my son 12 yrs. this dec. and he would be 29 and you will never want to stop talking about him. they don't realize that half of you is gone and half of your heart or mine is he was my only child. you don't get over it believe me i know. if you want to talk to me my email is momssspecialangel@yahoo.com i may not have the answers you need but i will listen and help in any way i can.i am a good listener to talk all you want. my love goes out to you. you feel better to talk about him i may be a stranger and never meet you but i have a heart and will listen

Evelyn - posted on 09/08/2011

3

0

0

I lost my son Tony last April 8th and everyone in my family tell me to let him go, he is Gone but I just can't seem to put myself together. I don't go out unless it's to my appointment or my grandsons.

Latrice - posted on 08/25/2010

33

14

6

If talking about it helps you to grieve, then talk about it. I know you didnt really grieve because you came right back to work. No one, not Don or your mom can tell you how to grieve or that you should be over it by now because everyone grieves differently. I know I dont say much when you talk to me about him but that's because I grieve in a different way, but you know i'm always here if you need me.

Andrea - posted on 07/22/2010

37

2

4

i to had placenta abruption. i lost my son 7 months after he was born. i still talk about my son to. there is nothing wrong with it. my son was born at 24 weeks and he weighed 1lb and 10ozs. we were blessed to have him, he was my first child. ive found talking about it helps some, but the pain is always there.

Sarah - posted on 07/22/2010

22

9

1

if you want to talk about your son then you can message me and we can both talk listen and share i didnt lose through miscarriage i lost my daughter 7 weeks after she was born due to sids and i talk about her weather people like it or not i helps because they did exist and they were a part of us.

Rose - posted on 07/07/2010

20

31

0

I am so sorry that you don't have the support you need to heal. Hopefully, your sister was grieving when she made that extremely harsh comment to you. Talk as long and as often as you need to about your baby. He is real and he matters. Talk to me if you must Rosie at rmwlw@yahoo.com. You are not alone. There is no timeline on grief - it takes as long as it takes. Allow the process to take place and get some support to help with the process. Love ya

Wendi - posted on 07/05/2010

6

36

0

I lost my son on 1-27-2008 he was still born. The umbilical cord wrapped around his neck 3 times. I have read each and every one of your responses and let me tell you it's like reading a page in my diary I write to him everyday in my heart. I still talk to him as if he was here. I miss him so much. I carried Ryan for over 6 months. You will find that people say these things because they don't understand. You need to talk about him and think about him. We will never forget our sons!!!! Only we know how we feel.

Adrienne - posted on 07/05/2010

549

24

45

I'm sorry for your lost Annakatrice. I lost my very first son about the same time in my pregnancy as you did. Yes it was and is still very hard to deal with especially with now having 3 other little boys. My son William would be 7 years old this year. I'm not one for talking about my feelings but if that is what you need then do it. It's only been 8 months and unless people have gone through the same thing they just don't understand. It is hard to just "get over it" because you have to deal with this for the rest of your life. What I did was I took his original footprints and had them enlarged by 20% and had his name written above them as a tattoo in between my shoulder blades. I also got another tattoo of a frog with wings holding a blue flower on the back of my right calf. Then every year on his birthday I will get a birthday card and write him a poem. It helps every year but around the time of his birth and death I get very depressed that is why it helps to get a card and write in it and put it away. My son William lived for 38 hours after he was born and I still can remember his first and only cry he ever did. So for people telling you to get over it tell them until you carry a baby for 5 months and lose them, where you can never hold them for the rest of your life then button up your mouth. There are support groups that get together and talk about their babies that passed away. Like I said it never helped really to talk about my feelings because I'm the type to hold in my feelings. I also do tell people that always say sorry for your lost that it is okay because there was a very good reason why god took my son from me.
Sorry I'm starting to ramble on. I'm here if you ever need someone to talk to. I've been where you are, 7 years now for me.

Kerrin - posted on 07/04/2010

93

11

6

I'm so sorry your family is being so horrible.
You don't just get over losing a child, and not talking about it doesn't mean it never happened. A lot of us, I am one of them, talk because it helps with grieving. She was my daughter, I gave birth to her (she was stillborn) & she always will be so I talk about her.
I have a family member who believes silence is best & after almost 18 months my oppinion is stuff them, I will do what is best for me to cope, grieve & get through the day.

Shauna - posted on 07/04/2010

1

17

0

my thoughts are with you. My story is a little different. We lost our little Princess Skye to GIRD (Possible SIDS) When she was 2 mths 12 days. My believe is that it never stops hurting it just gets a little easier to cope. As for your husband it may very be that as a man he doesnt want to show emotion so its easier for him to act unattached. just know your not alone.

Heidi - posted on 07/04/2010

38

12

1

I'm sorry that your family doesn't show you the support you need. My daughter was stillborn on May 28th and she looked just like her daddy. Me and him talk about her daily, we feel comforted by it. There is no getting over something like this, we just have to get through it. Our children will always be a part of us and healing doesn't mean forgetting. I think you should continue talking about and to your son. I wish the best for you and I hope your family, especially your husband, can open up their hearts and join you in talking about him.

Veronica - posted on 07/03/2010

22

17

2

Noone knows the pain that you are going through and noone ever will. You had/have a special bond with your child because he was inside of you and a part of you. It doesnt matter how long its been since your son passed he will forever be a part of you. I am so sorry for the way your family and husband are treating you.....you deserve compassion and understanding not what they are giving you. Its been almost two years since my son passed away and its still hard for me. My family tells me that he is in a better place and I agree, but I still miss him and he is a part of my everyday and always will be. Only time will tell how long your healing process will be. Honestly I dont think you will heal......but you will learn to live one day at a time and come to understand that your son is in a better place. You always have someone to talk to...God and your friends here. I will pray for you. Do what is best for you!!

Sherley - posted on 07/03/2010

4

47

0

Helping those precious treasured memories last a lifetime for all sleeping angels xx

Forever our angelsƸ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ I Send A Kiss So Softly-- With The Wind That Blows On By-- The Wind Will Carry It Gently-- To Our Angels In The Sky-Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Good Night Angels xx2 hours agoFor

Sherley - posted on 07/03/2010

4

47

0

Please visit this site on face book ...my niece has an angel to daughter no. 7 it's a wonderful site and there are lots of special Mummys like your self my niece is Mandy O'Neil and Lily was born asleep 7th march this year ... Forever our angels...the love and understand is awsome .... you have me as well ..it's no ones fault god needed your angel son for a reason and only he will tell you when the time is right .... My heart warps you with love xxxxxx

Leanna - posted on 07/02/2010

17

24

1

I'm so sorry that your family is acting that way toward you. It is not your fault that your son passed. I lost my youngest son at 39 weeks because of an umbilical cord accident. I often felt that if I had wanted him more, or was more excited about his arrival that he'd still be here. So talk about him whenever you want. Talk to him, he's around you. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for grieving your loss. It's tremendous, hard to walk through, but you will make it. You can message me and talk with me if you'd like. We're all in this together.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms