happy/sad days

Trisha - posted on 01/03/2009 ( 10 moms have responded )

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Hi, I am new here...I just wanted to talk to others who can relate to having lost a child or children before having the opportunity to bring a child home. Our first son, Nathaniel, was born 12-9-05 with Diaphragmatic hernia which allowed his intestines to move up into the chest cavity and didn't allow space for his lungs to grow. We were grateful we had him here for 53 days, but my heart still aches for him. Now, God has blessed us with a healthy son and we're getting ready to celebrate his first birthday! :) I guess I'm just wondering if I will always have this sadness with every passing milestone that we get to have with Joseph that we didn't get to share with Nathaniel.

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Mimmy - posted on 01/06/2009

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Thanks Trisha.  I love how you wrote that a subsequent child does not fill the void but fills our arms.  And I too heard the "you're young" quote way too many times.  I'm so glad I found this to chat with women who have been through this.  



I have good days and bad days.  On my good days I look at my 2 children and they're the love of my life and I feel so grateful to have them.  And on some not so good days, I still ask "why me".  But I was so fortunate that Luke was here when Alex died to get me out of my bed....  I had to take care of a helpless toddler and be his mommy.  The worst was when my milk came in and I had no baby to nurse and I didn't want to confuse Luke by nursing him again after I had weaned him off to be pregnant.    



-Mimmy





Trisha - posted on 01/06/2009

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Michelle, thanks for reminding me it's ok to enjoy the time I have with my living child. There have been times when I struggle with feeling guilty that we get to do special things with Joseph that we didn't get to do with Nathaniel. I am so grateful we were able to bring our 2nd child home with us! (:

Trisha - posted on 01/06/2009

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Mimmy, I think it must be hard for others who haven't lost a child to relate to the void in our hearts for the child or children we have lost. It's like they are trying to encourage you by saying, "oh, you're young, you can have more children." But, you're right, having a subsequent child doesn't fill the void in your heart. I'm just grateful that our 2nd son "fills our arms."

Trisha - posted on 01/06/2009

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Hope, I can relate to how you feel about having a niece the same age as your son would have been because my nephew was born less than 3 months before Nathaniel and I wonder about the same things. It's kind of nice in a way and yet still sad, because I see what I'm missing. I guess that's what I am experiencing daily for the first time as we have a healthy son about to turn 1. Praise God!

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hi i have just joined here and in the past two years have lost two little girls. the elder of the two lived for 22 days and the younger who was born 11 mnths later lived for 28 hours. both died in the same incubator bay in nicu. although i have 3 very healthy children to love not a day passes where i dont think of my two little angels. they are still very much a part of our family and we visit them in the baby memorial garden regularly and celebrate their birthdays etc with the older children. i believe that your babies always hold a special place in your heart wether they are alive or not and when the sad days come i try and remember how lucky i was to be able to tell them how much i love them and know that they could hear me i dont think you ever get over losing a child but its ok to smile laugh and enjoy being with any other children you are lucky enough to have.

Mimmy - posted on 01/05/2009

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Hi, I'm now here as well.... Our 2nd son Alex was born 5/9/06 and died on 5/11/06 in the NICU. I went into labor prematurely and no one could explain what happened. After all I carried my 1st son Luke who was born over 11 pounds to full term and never for a million year expected any difference with our 2nd. My heart aches everyday still..... especially on b-days, anniversaries, any holidays basically... I truly believe that a mother will carry this pain until the day she dies. And as you know, having a subsequent child will not erase the pain like most people thinks. We had our 3rd baby, a daughter Leia and she's 2 and she is not a "replacement" of Alex in any way (I absolutely hate it when people thinks that I'm now fine because of Leia).

Hope - posted on 01/04/2009

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Trisha I'm new here as will. I had my son for 2 1/2 yrs and it's been 11 years since his passing I've also had 3 miscarriages I've also had 3 other children since then it's still very hard for me, some days are better then others. I have a niece that spends alot of time here and she is the age he would be if he was alive with us now and I think of him when she talks about what she is doing in school and sports and in her life Iwonder what he would be into and if he would like girls those days are the sadest days. I look at my children and see alittle of him in them and I know that he is looking down on us and protecting us.



Nathaniel is always going to be in your heart and you will always think of him at times you don't expect. I've never really talked to anyone about my feelings so I am glad that we are all here.

Trisha - posted on 01/04/2009

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Cindi,
Thanks for your response. We called Nathaniel "Mr. Bubbles" because it looked like he was blowing bubbles sometimes with a leak in his oscillator-breathing machine. So, we blew bubbles for him at his memorial service and I continue to blow bubbles for him on his bday and the day he died. We had planted a tree, but unfortunately, it died too. That was really sad. My husband has grieved in a totally different way, very privately. So, I end up blowing bubbles and taking time to remember him by myself. I talk to Joseph about his big brother all the time...maybe he will blow bubbles with me when he's old enough. (:

Cindi - posted on 01/03/2009

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Trisha,

Although our son, Harrison, was home with us for 4 months (he died from SIDS), I can totally relate to your question. The worst for me was the first day of school for our other two boys a couple of years ago - it should have been Harrison's first day of Kindergarten. Having special rituals to celebrate or remember Harrison on his birthday, the day he died, Christmas, etc. definitely helps us get through those days. The first year was the hardest for us - we just didn't know what to expect or what to do. Now, on Harrison's birthday, we have angel food cake (with a little angel figure tjat we put on it each year) and we send balloons to him up in Heaven (one for each year). On the anniversary of his death, we buy a little ornament for our garden and plant new flowers in a special planter a friend made. His stocking hangs up with the rest of our at Christmas.

Hope this helps.

Take care,

Cindi

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