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Motherhood after the death of a child: pregnancy, infant

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Having a hard time

Angela - posted on 03/22/2009 ( 4 moms have responded )

My daughter Angel Iyanna Dixon had just turned 8 months old that day when passed away on 2/17/09 of SIDS. I keep replaying those last days in my head. We had went home to visit my mom on Valentine's day and spent the weekend there. She enjoyed being with her g-ma. We came back to Jacksonville on Monday the 16th. That was the last day I held my baby. On the morning of the 17th I got up a little late. I was so tired and really didn't want to go to work. I started to call in but I forced myself to go because I knew my boss would be upset if I didn't show up the day after a holiday. So I got ready and kissed Angel on the forehead and told her that I loved her and would see her tonight as she slept in her bassinet next to our bed. That was the last time I saw my baby alive.

Her father dropped her off at daycare and she was perfectly fine. She looked at him and smiled as he walked out the door. At noon her babysitter placed her on a King sized bed on her back playing with some toy. She left her there for 45 minutes and when she went back to check on her, she had flipped onto her stomach and passed away.

I am so angry I don't know what to do. The doctor's put me on an antidepressant but it doesn't help. I think about Angel almost every minute of everyday. I sit and I think about what she would be doing now. At the time she passed she was almost crawling. I imagine her laying in her bassinet and looking up at me with her beautiful brown eyes. My heart is completely broken. She is my first and only child. She was born at 27 weeks, only weighed 2lbs 1 oz and was only given a 50% chance of making it. They said even if she lived she would have some health problems. She proved them wrong. She was perfectly healthy. She was just a little small. There was nothing wrong with her. She shouldn't have died. She should still be here with us. I just don't know how to go on without her. I believe in God and know that he is here but it doesn't seem fair for us to have to go through this when we went through so much. Angel spent 99 days in the NICU and overcame so much and for her to pass away like that is wrong.

Sorry for rambling but I can't really talk to anyone else about it. Angel's father is emotionless and my mother is handling it really bad too. She has a heart issue and I don't want to add any more stress to her. Thanks for listening(reading)

Angel's mommy

(RIP my sweet Angel 6/17/08-2/17/09)

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Rachael - posted on 03/25/2009

this is so terrible, I dont really have words, nothing will help but time. When my son died (prem, after 2 hours on earth) I was lucky enough to have a lot of paid time off work. There were days I just walked around in circles, tv off, no music, I wanted nothing. By midday I would be drinking and on the phone to a friend or family member (most live far away from me). My baby's father also internalised his loss and would not often speak of it, it was the only way he could feel in control (if he talkd, he would cry, and 'real men' dont cry do they). Your husband is no doubt trying to deal with his loss and guilt in the same way. My mother ususally said very inappropriate things too ... everyone is trying to come to terms with Angel's death in their own ways, and you must feel very alone as you find your own path through this. But you are not alone. Even though we may never meet you, we are here with you and for you, we have felt your pain and rage and gulit and disbelief .... you named her Angel for a reason. Please keep in touch somehow and let me know you are alright

Colleen - posted on 03/25/2009

I am so sorry for youre loss. I too lost my 1st. She was stillborn. So frustrating because she was a fully developed baby and I actually carried her 2 weeks past my due date. During labor the autopsy revealed that there was possible cord compression or possible compromised umbilical circulation. She was a long baby 22" but only weighed 4lbs 13 oz. Also my placenta had calcified which I'm sure played a large role in her birth weight. It has been 25 years now and I remember the events like it happened yesterday. I have two other daughters 24 years and 16 years. I also have two grand children . I will never forget the hurt I felt at her loss. I thought I was being punished and at the time the only one to go through such a horrible thing. I know now that as much as we hate it sometimes things happen that are just beyond our controll. Believe me even in my life now you feel at God's mercy sometimes. I pray that God will hold you in his arms and help you to grieve and comfort you so that you can get through such a difficult time. If talking about it helps please do so and if you need someone to listen I am right here. Like the comment before me you dont ever forget nor would you want to, but somehow we find a way to go on living and find a special place in our hearts to hold dear the memories so that we can hold on to some of the good and let go of some of the bad . Take care of yourself and God bless!

Lauri - posted on 03/24/2009

My deepest regrets. I am so sorry for your loss. When you reach your lowest moments, please try to think about this...Every step you take and every smile you force is one that you are doing for your daughter, to honor her. You are a living remembrance and a living honor to her. I think of my daughter who was not even strong enough to take her first breath and on the days when I feel her loss the most and when I am deeply sad, I take in a breath, or force a smile and I tell her about it. I tell her about this place, or just this one little moment or one little thing I am doing and I tell her about all the things I am going to do in life for her. Because she can't, I will. I hear your frustration and sadness and you are right, It is not fair. You want her here! Please keep her with you in the spirit of your life, each and every day. You will always miss her but your pain won't always feel this awful. Sending you sincere thoughts and prayers.

Josie - posted on 03/22/2009

Oh Honey! I am so sorry for your loss. Your Angel is truly an angel. Some people are just too good for this world. She overcame the odds and she was amazing. I think we are all here just to learn what we need to from this place so we can go on back to Heaven. Some of us take a long long time to learn what God has sent us here to learn and some of us are just so wise and so close to perfect already when we get here that we don't have to stay very long. My son Fox was one of those people. He was perfect, so much smarter, so much better than me. He learned what he need to and went back to Heaven when he was 4. Your Angel was perfect, too perfect for this world. She was tested in that NICU and she learned what she need to go back. The anger you feel will pass. The whole in your heart will remain, and you will cry about her for the rest of your life, but I swear to you, IT WILL GET BETTER. You will ride a rollercoaster of emotions, but eventually you will settle into a way of living with your loss. The pain and loss don't go away, but you do learn to live a functional life with the thoughts of your child in your mind everyday.