How can I call myself a mom??

Kerrin - posted on 10/08/2010

I think that's a personal decision that we all have to make. I've lost both my first childen.
A miscarriage @ roughly 6 weeks and then my daughter was stillborn @ 36 weeks.
The first time, I didn't feel like a mum because I found out I miscarried when I went to the doc and although I felt the loss, I didn't really feel it the same way I did with my daughter. I think we all have to do what gets us by. We didn't give the baby a name etc... either & we felt that was the right thing for us.

I didn't really think of myself as a mum until I was pregnant with & lost our daughter. She was stillborn @36 weeks & even now, I still get people telling me I'm not a mum cause my baby isn't alive & in my arms - can't repeat what I usually tell those people cause that's the one thing that gets my back up.

We have to grieve how we feel is best for us & we all do it differently. My husband & I light candles on special dates (at Christmas when we found out she was brain dead & on her delivery date) & remember in our own way seeing due to circumstances, we have nothing to remember Ashley by.

It's amazing how strong we can find ourselves to be - like you, I'd suffered horrible losses before - including a boyfriend when I was 19 in a car accident - but nothing compares to that hole in our hearts that a child leaves. I think about my daughter every day, but I cling to the thought that I have a wonderful family & a husband who is always there for me. Find the best support you can, whether it's family, friends (I found it hard with friends seeing they were all either pregnant or had little ones) or a support group. Just do what you feel is right in your own heart & it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks because you're the one that's grieving.

Kayte - posted on 04/27/2009

This is one of those situations that you have to do what you "feel" is right. I lost a baby as well...mine was 26.5 weeks. It is by far the hardest thing you could ever go through...I will tell you though - I just made decisions and did things that felt right in my heart. That's all you can do.

Eloise - posted on 04/27/2009

Julie, I'm so sorry for your loss - I've read all the responses below and it breaks my heart to know that so many of us have had to endure this pain of losing a baby... I lost my baby boy when he was 12 days old, in December 2007. I miss him so much, but I am so blessed to have had a son before him, and I just recently had another baby - a girl this time. Please know that although the pain you feel now is seems endless, it will get easier - you will never forget your baby, but the memory of losing him/her will become easier to bare. I pray that God blesses you with another child that you will get to hold, and love, and cuddle - being a mom is God's greatest gift!

Katy - posted on 04/27/2009

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've lost babies at 8, 14 and 22 weeks so I can understand how you feel completely. You have to do whats right for you, perhaps speaking to someone from The Miscarriage Association would help? Most of their listeners have experienced a pregnancy or baby loss and it really helped me to have someone to talk to who understood and listened without being judgemental. My heart goes out to you xxxxxxx

Allie - posted on 04/27/2009

I feel for you. You are a mom. I went truogh a similar feeling 3 years ago now when I lost my twins at 12 weeks. There are no magic words and you will never forget your angel. I found it really helpful to talk to like minded people and have a neclace that I wear to remember my babies.

I'm here if you need to chat

Allie

Amber - posted on 04/26/2009

When i saw the date you lost your baby i wanted to cry. My son was born 13weeks premature on that day. He lived for 18days before he passed away in my arms on april 9. My friends have asked me the same question you are asking yourself. My situation is different because i got to hold my son and see him before he passed. I call myself a mom and my parents still call themselves grandparents. We just dont have anyone to call us by those names. If you are like me, calling yourself a mom is hard but i have to do it to remember that i did have a baby. I feel im honoring his memory in that way. Even though you didnt get to know your baby, he/she will always be in your thoughts, dreams, and heart. So even though there is no one to call you "mom" yet, you still are. Of course, if its too painful to think of yourself as a mom then you have to make the decision on your own without anyone else's opinion. Only you know what is best for you and what will help make things better for you.

Sandi - posted on 04/25/2009

Trina, that poem has been my life saver on more then one occasion, its words ring so true. I've got a few more that I've found in my travels... they can be found either in my notes or in a group titled In Memory of Serenity Elizabeth.

Trina - posted on 04/25/2009

Sandi, that poem made me cry. Thank you for posting it. I think I might just have to copy it out and put it on my fridge for those harder days when I'm angry about things

Belinda - posted on 04/21/2009

i lost a baby 2years ago i was 10weeks pregnant gone reason it helped me name the baby so i called mine bayley it was 4 a boy or girl but its help me alot hun but at the end of the dad no matter wat u are a mum even if u carry it 4 a couple of weeks ur still a mum hun and im sorry 4 ur lose

Amanda - posted on 04/21/2009

I am very sorry for your loss. A mother is not determined by how many children she has but the love that she has in her heart.



I lost my son in march of last year and it was the harderst thing that ever happened to me. I was 22 weeks and 4 days pregnant when I gave birth to my little Angel. After I lost him I had so much love for this child in my heart and I had no one to shower with it. I experienced this whole new feeling. A love that I have never felt. After that day I was a mom no matter what. I had so much love for this baby. And would have given up my life for my son to live.

Nicole - posted on 04/21/2009

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost two babies at 8 wks. and I haven't forgotten a moment of those terrible days. I havent' forgotten their due dates either, and I never will. I was lucky to be blessed w/ a baby finallyt after that and I do have an older son, but you never forget, It was your child, and you were their mom. When I had my second mc the nurse said to me that when she lost her baby she set a balloon free on their due date. It was a good idea. Things will get better, but you will never forget. I'm sorry for the loss of your friend too.

Krysti - posted on 04/21/2009

I have lost children at 8 weeks, 14 weeks, 17 weeks and 22 weeks...I know all the different degrees of loss...from miscarriage to live birth and neonatal death. And I can tell you from experience, you are a mom. You carried a child, even if it was for only a short period of time. So, you didn't know the sex...if it will help you heal, name the baby a unisex name. Or don't name it at all..just because your baby didn't have a name doesn't mean you aren't/weren't a mother. There was a baby inside you, your birthed it. Maybe to early, but it still happened. You love and morn your child. you are the definition of a mother.

Sandi - posted on 04/21/2009

here is a little something that helped me when I was battling the same thought process, it is a poem that another mom of an angel baby sent me....
What Makes A Mother


I thought of you all, I closed my eyes
and prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
and I know I heard him say,

"A Mother has a baby.
This we know is true."
But God can you be a Mother
when your baby's not with you?

"Yes you can!" He replied
with confidence in His voice,
"I give many women babies,
when they leave is not their choice."

"Some I send for a lifetime
and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
but there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.

"I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say.."

"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here."

"I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who has so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quick
My Mommy set me free."

"I miss My Mommy oh so much
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
on her pillow's where I lay."

"I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here."

"So you see my dear sweet one,
your children are OK.
Your babies are here in my home
and this is where they'll stay."

"They'll wait for you with me
until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you."

"So now you see what makes a Mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
right from the very start."

"Though some on earth may not realize
that you are a Mother until there time is done
They'll be up here with me one day
and know you're the best one."



WRITTEN WITH LOVE FOR ALL THE MOTHER'S MISSING THEIR BABIES

Hollie - posted on 04/20/2009

I understand how you feel. I lost my first baby at 7 weeks. I got pregnant the following month and had a beautiful daughter Addison who had a rough start but is absolutely fine. Today I buried my stillborn daughter Isabel. You will have more children. The hard question to answer is 'how many children do I have'? My thoughts and prayers are with you and with all of the moms who have lost children. I hope you can find a local support group. Mine has been a gift from God.

Trina - posted on 04/20/2009

I'm so sorry you are going through this. As the previous poster said, you carried a life, no matter how briefly. You are a mom. I know that it's tough right now because it's still so new. You want to just hurry up and get through the pain so that you can move on. But you'll never forget. And while it does get easier as time passes, the pain never goes away.

I've lost 10 babies in total - only one has a name, and that's not even "official". I personally can't bring myself to name them because then it would make it more "real". Not that by them not having names means they didn't exist - I just find it helps me to cope if I don't name them. However, I have done things in order to memorialize them. I have some trinkets that I keep with ultrasound pictures (because of my history, I get ultrasounds every 2 - 3 weeks). I also release balloons at the cemetary when I feel like it - I don't do it on a specific date, just when I feel the urge.

I suggest you find a way to memorialize you're baby, it will help. Also, find someone to talk to who will actually listen and care enough about you to know that you're having a hard time. Often people view miscarriages as something to be "gotten over" because it's not a big deal. Be prepared that while most people have good intentions, their words can be hurtful and insensitive. I can't count how many times I've heard "you're young, you'll have another", "there must have been something wrong", "he/she's in a better place", and even such callous comments as "it wasn't a real baby, so why are you so upset?" Don't let them get to you, just keep moving on until you find someone who will let you talk.

Nicole - posted on 04/20/2009

So sorry to hear. I believe you have the right if you wish to call yourself a mom, you carried a life, even for a short time inside of you that makes you a mom. I lost twins at 13 weeks in Dec. of 2007 and another baby at 8 weeks on March 31, 2008. We weren't sure of the gender either but with my other 4 children I had a gut feeling about the gender on each of them and I've been correct so far. So, following that, we lost twin daughters and a son. We gave them names, but needed to do that to help us heal from their loss and to honor their memory. It's up to you on how you want to handle what you've been through, each person handles grief differently. I needed help after the loss of the 2nd pregnancy and was recommended to this great support group. I went for just under a year and it really helped. It will take time to heal from this, I know I still am and each day makes it hurt a little less after a while. I still have bad days and you probably will as well but know that you're not alone and we're here for you. Best of luck and God bless, Nicole

Emma Shorty - posted on 04/20/2009

I'm so soz to hear that you lost a baby! i have just lost my little boy at 26wks+1D! On 05/04/09 i named him T.J just wanted to let ya know i am here if ya fancy a chat....

Lesa - posted on 04/19/2009

You are a mom, hun. You carried a little life inside you... you will always be his/her mommy.

Jeni - posted on 04/19/2009

I'm so sorry. I wish I had magic words to help you through this.

I read; I listened; I care about how you're feeling.