How did the loss of your child affect your marriage

Mandy - posted on 04/02/2009

Hi All



At first when I started this conversation i hessitated, now i'm glad i started it.



Paula - At this time all seems dark i know. Took me and my husband about 2 years to work through everything and go on again. He blamed me and I blamed myself and made no secret about it. My son passed away in 2002 and my next son was born Jan 2003. Strange enough he was so happy and for me it was a nother story. Didnt want to have a baby didnt feel I deserved a new baby. But now 7 years later and two kids later we are doing great.

I really hope that the two of you can work through this and one day be able to cope and go on with your lifes.



I really feel that the loss of a child is so unfare but this shows that life is short as they say. What we do afterwards is totaly up to us.



Hugs and Kisses

mandy

Paula - posted on 04/01/2009

Caz---I have a question...did your husband want more children...was it planned?  I know its forward to ask...but my husband and I are fighting ...well not really fighting...but living like roommates...not a couple and he doesn't want anymore and I do...this is putting more stress on us both.  he grieves one way and I very differently....how did you reslove thing apart....?

Paula

Berta - posted on 04/01/2009

At first for my husband and I it was very rough, we fought all the time and we actually almost went our separate ways but now we are stronger than ever with a lil boy that is turning 1 in less than a month YAY!!

Caz - posted on 04/01/2009

me and my partner had a little girl,she was stillborn at 8 months,and even though we were both sooo close and strong before it happend and dureing this,as soon as the funeral was done we started to argue like cat and dog,every day too. it was horrible because one day we were closer than ever and then the next it was as if we hated each other. my partner ended up moveing out because it wasnt fair on my boys to see us like that,but we stayed together hopeing we would get back on track, and we have. its been a year now since we lost our daughter and even though were still not liveing together were now in talks about him moveing back in because im now pregnant again. we know now that it wasnt each other we were mad with,we were just grieving and needed someone to blame,but now were happy and slowly got back on track,it just takes a whole lot of talking and time xxx

Paula - posted on 03/31/2009

Hi all

doesn't it feel like you can't even be yourelf in your own home...you have to hide your grief so it doesn't freak the man out....sad...very sad  and I am sick of it.

Mary - posted on 03/31/2009

I am hopeful and saddend by the stories. We recently lost our angel, Lukas, suddenly at 23 days old. We tried to find a reason for such a heart breaking, gut wrenching turning point in our lives. We have been together for eleven years and married for almost 5 years out of the eleven. We had been so happy. We were ecstatic when we learned we were expecting Lukas. Our time with Lukas was blissful. Everyone would tell us that this would bring us closer. We didn't believe that it was possible and that this couldn't have been the reason Lukas had left us. I felt like my husband would be the only one that would know what I was going thru. But, as the weeks have gone by, he has returned to work. He has gone back to "normal" or so he believes. While I am at home alone, I still grieve. And just the other day, as we were coming home, the warm tears began to flow as a memory of Lukas came to me. Let's just say the frustration in his voice hurt. He is a good man don't get me wrong. But as my sister-in-law pointed out to me he has had so many losses already. He lost his father and brother when he was very young. His mother passed away while he was in college and a best friend passed away due to a freak accident. He also "lost" a son due to a bad relationship where she moved him far away but that is another story. So he is coping the only way he has known how to cope. The frustration is because he can't fix me. All men want to fix everything. And this is something they can't. They don't know what to do. So I am trying to help him. I thought he was going to be there for me. Now I feel like I have to hide my grief. I pray everytday to Lukas to help us. He was made out of so much love that we just have to survive this for him.

Paula - posted on 03/31/2009

Hi all

I hope with all your adive something positive happens...right now things are very bad, counselling revealed that he has thoughts of leaving me....

weather this will happen or not it is still un known....but I am nervous and this added stress doesn't help.

grieving one child is big enough....having to greive a marriage and any future babies...well i don't know how to handle that

where to go from here??

Paula

Dawn - posted on 03/31/2009

I'm crying reading everyone's stories, both good and not so good. Losing a child is by far the most difficult thing any of us will ever have to endure. It's something that just isn't supposed to happen. Babies aren't supposed to die.

My husband and I had been through a lot just trying to get pregnant. We tried on our own for 11 months and then went to an infertility specialist. A year later (nearly two years total) we were pregnant after 6 unsuccessful IUIs and a successful IVF cycle. At 18 weeks, we lost our son and we both devestated. We started seeing a psychologist together within a week of our loss and we found a support group. Both of those things helped us so much and we wound up learning not only about ourselves as individuals, but also about ourselves together as a couple. We are stronger than we've ever been and I'm so lucky to have him.

Marinda - posted on 03/31/2009

This is such a difficult subject,I was a very and still is a very fortunate woman in the sense that I`ve got an amazing husband, for me it was toal shutdown from the moment our daughter crossed over, that first year is still very unreal and blurry for me ( it was 3 years ago), but I`ve also come to reallize later on that that was his way of coping with our loss, by keeping busy. Men don`t talk about their feelings like us woman do, and that does not mean that they don`t feel, and sadly all to often thats the way woman end up seeing it, The most important thing to do is to talk to him, listen and hear what he is saying to you, I do not talk to my husband about our daughter that much because all of my instincs tells me that that is very painfull for him to do, me on the other hand have a need to do just that, and thats whats so wonderfull about this community, there are lots of woman out there who is more that willing to listen and who are mothers themselves, knowing that the loss of a child is such a tragedy. I know that a lot of marriges don`t make it pass the first year after the loss of a child, but that doesn`t mean theat yours have to also, as long as we can talk, listen respect and love each other.And yes, men also do work more, and that may also left you feeling that he don`t want to be around you, but again, thats there way of coping, the solution I think is to understand, that the both of you are in mourning, you are just doing it differently, and that there is not a right way of doing it.Love to all moms dealing with this

Paula - posted on 03/29/2009

Hi all

dear angela- wow...I don't know what to say, good for you for sticking to your ground.  I hope you are happy about your new pregnancy...and new life, I hope things work for you and that you are able to come to peace with somesort of arrangement. 

Mandy- I don't know if he will come around....he is working more than ever, shutting me out and we live still like roommates....the one thing for me...is now I am angry at everything...and when I see him...its worst.  I have this resentment towards him...for what?  I don;'t know.

I am just mad I guess. 

how do you get through to a man that had shut off?  does anyone know?

suggestions?

Mandy - posted on 03/25/2009

Dear Paula



I'm verry sorry to hear that. But just hang in there in time thing's does get better. It is a fact that everyone greive in different ways and dad's is a lot different than us. They don't talk about there feelings, bottling up is a lot easier. And then one day they have a big out birst and then it goes better. They think by blocking things out it will not be a reality and just go away, not realizing that is not how it works.

Longing for a child is also natural a mom needs to be a mom need to nurse and give care. But things happen in there own time you'll see when it's the right time things will happen again. Hope you can work through it.

Lots of love

Angela - posted on 03/21/2009

My son was still born on April 1st of 2008,and at first we were holding onto each other for support, then after a couple of weeks he insisted I get on anti depression medications (I haven't though as there was no need, assessed by both myself and my doctor). After a month my husband insisted it was time I moved on and started to concentrate on his needs. I did... until I found out that his needs were greater than before and had turned to his ex girlfriends for extra marital "plans". We got in a fight, he couldn't stand to be the only one caught red handed so he tried to say that my Nathan wasn't his, that I was the one that was sleeping around. Currently we are seperated, however I'm preganant due to seeing to his needs.



Theres alot more detail that goes into the situation to completely understand it.

Paula - posted on 03/20/2009

HI all

there is both extremes here in this conversation thread.....My husband and I are going alone like strangers living like roomates.  We are both in grief counselling and I in solo counselling.....yet grieving differently is causing a rift. He doesn't mourn....there is no out ward grieving.  He doesn't talk, cry, converse or mention her at all. If you were to see him and didn't know that our daugther died in Nov ...you could not tell from his manerisms or demeanor.

as for me....I am a bawling mess most days....I constantly need to talk and I too like Heather need to blog to get my feelings expressed.

I have no help from him and feel like I am not suppose to express any feelings.....he has even said things like crying, seeing you cry is hard....makes me uncomfortable.

I am told by the therapist that he grieves this way and I my way and that both are normal.  I can understand this concept....in theory but yet living with it is wrecking our marriage.

we fight about having another child.  I of course want more and he doesn't....and this drives me crazy.  I ache for a child, a baby for these arms.  yet knowing he is the one stopping my dreams makes me mad at him daily.  I see him I am mad...

it is sort of like grieving for all future children.....and he is the cause.  this ache....doesn't go away...and it is making me do things...and say things that are really not me.

I am cranky all the time now....mad and sad...at a drop of a hat.

I pray tis counselling does something....makes it work somehow and shows him that having more children is the best for us.

if any of you have any suggestions....please pass them along.

thank you....for listening.

Yvonne - posted on 03/13/2009

Dear Mandy

My daughter died at the age of 21 of cancer, she was a wonderful daughter to both me and my husband. Fortunately my marriage was pretty stable at that stage, but for 2 years after she died we hated each other, we stayed together but reeally and truly could not stand one another, we werelucky we sat it out and today nearly 12 years later we are still together and happy together. We can speak about Claire and we can have little laughs about the things she used to do but boy it is a very hard thing to accept and I dont think a mom or dad or brother or sister ever ever get over it. There are so many sad parents out there, but we have no option but to continue for our other children. Hang in there and we must pray for each other. : Yvonne McCabe : South Africa

Libby - posted on 03/13/2009

I agree totally with you Heather...I also feel like my hubby is the only person who "gets" what this feels like and he doesn't have to answer and question me about it.  Last night I told my hubby that I wish I was going to be having our baby next month.  Then he told me he took the whole week off that she was due.  I thought it was so sweet that he just wanted to spend that time with me and our family.  He knew I would need him without me even having to say so.  I love that new connection between us.

Heather - posted on 03/12/2009

It's been just under 7 weeks, but we've been together for 13 years, married for over 6.  When they told us out baby died, I turned to my husband and told him not to leave me.  He thought I was nuts for saying that.  But, I know that things like this tear people apart.  I told him if he left me, I couldn't survive that too.  We did a lot of talking and open grieving the first couple of weeks.  Now, we don't talk about it too much.  I try to give him his space, he's a quiet and reserved man.  I have an undying need to talk...constantly.  So, I blogs.  And I try not to harrass him into talking when he'd reather grieve in silence.  Luckinly though there was no where to place the blame.  3 weeks after my son died we found out it was from complications due to Down Syndrome.  But I spent the first 3 weeks wondering what I did wrong.  Caffiene?  Fumes? Not enough veggies? Breastfeeding my daughter?  My OB was quick to point out that his death wasn't preventable and not my fault.  He was terminal from conception...but I wondered.  And I wondered if my husband wondered.  He was also quick to point out that it wasn't my fault...so I told him it was his, we laughed and he said he'd take the blame.  So far I have to think because he is the only other person who "gets" my pain, and I am the only other person who "gets" his pain...that gives us common ground.

Mandy - posted on 03/11/2009

Quoting Belinda:

It affected my marriage by putting strain on things and because "we" being the females do the growing of the baby, then having to do the medical part ie... give birth, d&c, caesarean etc...and get nothing at the end does mess you up and the guys just don't get it, well really they can't! but I did get really angry with my husband for a long time afterwards because he did nothing to help me or had to actually do the birthing. Takes time to heal and to let go and to remember "thry" can't do anything but be there.
Belinda

Belinda

That is so true.  I also feel that the females take it hardest.  We are the mothers care givers doctors everything and when that is suddenly "taken" away you feel worthless empty.  Hard for men to understand

Mandy - posted on 03/11/2009

Chrissy

I'm so sorry to hear that. When my son died we were only married 11 months so is was a lot of strain but luckly now we are stronger than ever happily maried and enjoying our two kids. A son 6 and daughter 4. They say everything happens for a reason, and i'm a beleiver in that

Chrissy - posted on 03/10/2009

I'm so glad to hear that you guys are still married! My story is a little different....I had only been married for about 1 1/2 years when the death of our child happened. We grieved in very different ways...he dove into his passion (video games) and I sunk into a sadness that was unbearable. We were both at fault for not being attentive to what the other needed during that time. After awhile, there was a big part of me that wanted to escape my 'reality' and I made some choices that I would never have made had I not been devastated (not excuses...just not thinking clearly). My husband and I divorced and while I'm very happy with my spouse (and so is he!), I do regret letting our baby's death start the domino effect that led to 2 households for our oldest son.



If you are hurting and depressed and your marriage is in trouble...get help. Don't give up.

Nicole - posted on 03/10/2009

For the first few months it was very hard, my husband wouldn't talk about it at all.  I was emotional and would cry at any time.  It didn't help that we lost another child just 3 months after the death of our twins.  He was scared and very upset when I became pregnant again just 2 months after the loss of our son.  That made 3 pregnancies in a year.  Our faith in the Lord and a safe and healthy pregnancy and delivery a month ago helped us both heal and now we are able to discuss our lost children with only a mild amount of pain.

Libby - posted on 03/10/2009

I was lucky, it brought us closer together.  I would say a year ago that we weren't communicating very well.  But after we lost our daughter in December I realized I had exactly the husband I needed/wanted.  I felt like he is the only one around me who understands me.  He wasn't constantly asking me how, I didn't have to pretend I was OK, he just knew my pain.  We sorta have this new bond that has brought us closer.  My husband even said that this will make us stronger.  I told him that it had to because our daughter didn't die for no reason.

Belinda - posted on 03/10/2009

It affected my marriage by putting strain on things and because "we" being the females do the growing of the baby, then having to do the medical part ie... give birth, d&c, caesarean etc...and get nothing at the end does mess you up and the guys just don't get it, well really they can't! but I did get really angry with my husband for a long time afterwards because he did nothing to help me or had to actually do the birthing. Takes time to heal and to let go and to remember "thry" can't do anything but be there.

Belinda