How do you answer the question of "Is this your only child?" without getting the typical sympathy

Trinada - posted on 05/04/2010

I'm also in the same situation. My daughter passed away at 3 months and 1 day old in March of 1999. I have an older daughter who is now 13 and a son who is 5. Whenever anyone asks me how many children I have or asks my kids if they have any other siblings - I get the same sympathetic "aww, I'm so sorry!" My response is simple - "Don't be sorry. I'm not!" Yes, I would give my life to be able to have her back but as I tell others - she was put here on earth to teach us something and touch the lives of those intended. Rejoice in the fact that you were able to have your child, no matter how short the time, and that they were needed in Heaven for more important things.God Bless!

Rachel - posted on 05/04/2010

People ask my daughter (who's 4yrs and 4 mths) whether she has any brothers or sisters, usually cos they're talking to her not me as she's very much a people person. Her response is that she has her Angel Xander (that's her big brother that was still-born but we have pictures of around the house)
People sort of give me a funny look like I shouldn't have told her about him but they don't start apologising to her :)

Chelsie - posted on 05/03/2010

You know, I have been in a very similar situation. My daughter Kathrynne was still born at 26 weeks gestation back in 2008. I now have a beautiful (but preterm) baby girl Aidynnea. All the time I am asked "Is she your only?" And when I give the answer I get the "I'm sorry"'s and the "Oh I didn't know"'s. I have found that the best way to handle it is know that these people mean nothing malicious by their questions, and most of the time, they are genuinely sorry for your loss. It's human nature to feel badly for bringing up a hurtful subject. Unfortunately, I'm not sure that there really is much that can be done or said to make people not feel bad when answering such a painful question.

Heather - posted on 04/23/2010

When people ask they ask if this is my first baby because I am pregnant again and I respond No my first daughter past away in Oct from a genetic disease.And I know this will be the question of many people once Makenzie is born and I will say the same thing.She will always be my child reguardless of her not being here in the physical sense.I love her and I will always tell whom ever may ask that response.

Shannon - posted on 04/22/2010

My son died when he was 7. It will be 6 years next month. I now have an eighteen month old daughter. When I get asked if she is my only I say no I had a 7 years old but he passed. If it is a stranger and I will never see them again and I am tired and don't feel like explaining I say I have a 13 year old too and move on.

Jackie - posted on 04/22/2010

Reynelle - thank you sooo much for putting it out there real instead of tiptoeing around the subject.
Eleanor - the second that little gift was conceived you loved him or her. I never went through that and i pray i never do.
Shelagh - i totally understand what your saying. I see both sides.

To you mothers that had babies pass do to SIDS...Has anybody explained to you what SIDS really is or what causes it?

Reynelle - posted on 04/22/2010

@Shelagh and Eleanor, It does seem that many people have the opinion that we should just "forget" as a way to move on, and I'm sure that they have the best of intentions towards our well-being. However, we know that it's not an option... we never forget. The most we do is bury those feelings and try to spare the feelings of the people around us who are uncomfortable talking about it. It's truly the side of motherhood that no one prepares you for or knows how to help you with.

It may seem a little harsh, but as I got older I decided to let adults deal with their own feelings, when it came down to choosing between my comfort level and theirs. I had an ache in my heart when I didn't acknowledge "all" of my children, I felt like a liar at worst and a coward at best. I can emphasize with the ladies that keep it private, it's such a delicate, tender place to open to other people, especially when you have to worry about their reactions. I guess, I just got to the point where I had to take care of myself and my own feelings and be true to what was in my heart and realize that most folks will only dwell on my words for a few moments anyway before they "forget", but I have to feel good about myself after the conversation ends. {{{Big Hugs}}} to you all.

Eleanor - posted on 04/22/2010

My baby didn't make it out of utero, so I don't know what it was, but it was my baby. This happened over 34 yrs.ago and back then we were told not to worry about it, kind of denying its existense. A mother never forgets the little heart that was beating inside of her.

Wendy - posted on 04/21/2010

P.S. it was great to see this yesterday...to remember Sadie Mae who passed away on 4/20/2004!

Tiffany - posted on 04/20/2010

I really dnt think there is a way unless u say ur child that is here is ur only child... it is very hard to say I have one child wen I know I have 2 but as my mother always tells me nd my husband we had 2 have 1 I try not to explain to much bcuz it still makes me upset nd ppl want to kno all the details.

Wendy - posted on 04/20/2010

I say go with your mood of the day, and your level of comfort. I answer sometimes "yes, living" and other times "yes". Never knew why...just if I felt like it or not, I didn't want false sympathy really, no one loved her like I did, Im her mom, I learned people really are only sorry for the LOSS and sometimes i felt they were not worthy of knowing what I knew about her love, gift or presence, so protecting her I guess...(I have a 2nd living child now, but still get "how many kids do you have)

Shelagh - posted on 04/20/2010

Reynelle - thank you so much. You are the first person in 24 years who has said 'I'm not sorry'. My son was born very premature (11 weeks early - 24 years ago, that was a lot), would probably have had very many health problems, and appeared to me to be in pain (they say they don't feel it, but a baby that small shouldn't frown - the only reason he didn't cry is because he couldn't). I'm sorry he didn't live, yes, and if he'd lived I would have devoted myself to him - but I'm not sorry he died. Sorry to go off topic - but this is a side to the loss of a baby that no-one wants to talk about.

Shelagh - posted on 04/20/2010

I don't mention my two babies in 'normal' conversation - it's personal, and I only talk about it when I feel comfortable with someone. You're not denying your daughter, you'll always remember her - but you don't need to put other people in an awkward position in order to do that.

Reynelle - posted on 04/20/2010

Jackie, I love your answer to "Who's watching her?" That just gave me the biggest smile! He's watching over us all, and boy do I need it, probably more than most. I've been working on being tactful. My son was born at 21 weeks, that's how the doctors discovered that I had a "Retroverted Uterus" (it is tilted backwards). Up to that point I was healthy, athletic, ate well, got plenty of rest, etc... all the right stuff. It was never noticed at any exams, but apparently I was born this way and as my baby grew, his weight caused the muscles to weaken and I went into labor... within 30mins he was born. So small and so beautiful... his little lungs just weren't ready. That was 20 years ago.

I share this story with others because the condition isn't too common and can be easily missed. When my daughter was conceived, I brought it to the attention of my doctor and got "purse-stringed" (the uterus is literally sewn shut) and put on bed rest for the majority of my pregnancy. I now have a healthy, happy, much loved teen, who knows that her big brother made it possible for her mommy to know what to do to get her here.

Jackie - posted on 04/19/2010

Tanya - its always hard to keep my composure when I always end up comforting the other person. I, like all other mothers who have lost a little angel, have my good and bad days. When its a bad day is when I usually get asked alot if my sons my only one. I've actually had to be very rude and just walk away from the other person to avoid balling my eyes out the rest of the day. I've even tried the "At the moment" response when asked even though I'm not planning to have anymore.

Kendra - I've tried that response too but it's very hard to use for me because they usually follow that answer up with another question of "aww how sweet. Who's watching her?" I actually answered Jesus to that once.

Reynelle - I'm not sorry my daughters passed either. The doctor told me that she would have to have heart surgery before she was 5 then every 3 years after for her VSD. I'm so glad she won't have to go through the pain of healing and the emotional pain of having the scars when she hit her teenage years.



We all just have to remember that they are still with us no matter where we go and what happens.

Reynelle - posted on 04/19/2010

When asked, I reply, " I have a son that passed away and a beautiful daughter that is..." I then continue with the conversation by moving it right along. I have learned not to give people the chance to respond in ways that make me uncomfortable. Sometimes a person will share with me that they have also experienced a loss of a child and my response is usually, "Yes, we'll always miss them won't we." It's a tough thing to deal with and for others to know how to deal with us, so I try to make it easier all the way around. When I do hear " Oh, I'm so sorry" I always reply, "I'm not" and it's true. I am thankful for the moments I had with my son and the years I've had with my daughter. I wish you well.

Kendra - posted on 04/18/2010

I know how you feel i have daughter that is four years old and my son who passed away at five months old of SIDS he past away three days after this last christmas and everything is still fresh, people see my little girl and ask if i have anymore most of the time i say, yes i have a five month old son and that normally is the end of the topic, i don't always see a need to let strangers know he has past away because it is to painful to have to repeat what happen over and over again. and i don't feel that my little white lie harms anything

Tanya - posted on 04/18/2010

I have the same problem. My daughter passed away on 5/1/09 at only 3 months old of SIDS. I waited 7 yrs to get pregnant with her and have mulitiple infertility problems which leaves me not able to have another biological child. 5 months after Payton passed away me and my husband were blessed to be able to adopt a newborn babygirl. I get asked all the time if she is my only child. I hesitate like u but I always say no I have another daughter bur she passed away. I do feel like u do by getting the oh I'm so sorry, and I end up comforting them when I'm the only who lose her child. If u ever want to talk u can email me at palmer503@comcast.net. Know u r not alone. God bless.