How do you cope with guilt if your child has died?

Sumanda - posted on 09/02/2009 ( 39 moms have responded )

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I lost my baby son due to a combination of heart problems and a serious virus infection. I'm currently writing an article on how we face feelings of guilt when our children died. I would really appreciate your story of how you cope with the feelings of guilt that you experienced and if you felt there was anything you could have done different to prevent the death.

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Hi Sumanda,

I coped by keeping a journal after my miscariage. I was 26wks into my pregnancy when it happened. I was told that i didnt do anything wrong but i feel like there cause of been something...

Dolores Or Just DeeDee - posted on 09/10/2009

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It's been 7 months since my daughter passed. She was 11 months when diagnosed with AML (Acute Myloidgenious Leukemia) and endured 6 months of chemotherapy and a bone marrow transplant. I felt so guilty, I couldn't stop thinking I some how exposed her to something to cause this. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with and am still trying so hard to find peace. 5 months after her bone marrow transplant she was admitted into ICU where she passed just 4 weeks later. She had quite a few complications one being HHV6, also known as the virus that causes rosiola. Was it my fault somehow? Was I not careful enough? Then my husband and I had to decide if it was time to let her go. The whole time I held her I kept saying please forgive me I'm so sorry. I still say this almost every day. I am living with so many what ifs and it's killing me. I try and focus on my two other daughters and keep moving, even though I'm only going through the motions. I know they need me and I hold on to this. I also talk to my little one and at times I feel her with me. I hold on to this and pray for peace when I'm able to pray. I hope this was some help.

LUCY - posted on 09/09/2009

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ive lost 4 kids in the past 3 years and let me tell you its been hard!! I really think what has helped me is my faith in God and my husband. It's so ironic because I work in a children store but you know what,it helps!!!

Kendra - posted on 09/07/2009

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For me it has it has been over 6 years that we lost our first born child and I dont beat myself up nearly as much but I do still feel like if I had read the signs better, taken her into the ER earlier, asked the Dr. to run more test the day I took her back in for a relasp with strep that I would have realized that she has luekemia and I totally could have avoided sepsis and lack of oxygen/3 hour trama. If only the trach. Dr. was on at the hospital and the Dr. on staff would have just been brave enough to do ih job and not waited so long. I know that things happen for a reason but maybe if I changed one thing could I have had a different outcome and have my Harley back to be my loving daughter and big sister to her 2 younger siblings.

Kylie - posted on 09/05/2009

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I can not speek form experience but I ahve had a very close friend loose their little boy to sids. I dont know how you can cope or I can not imagin how you a feeeling all I can say is that the pain will prob never go away and to try not to blam yourself. I know it must be hard to hear. Sids has helped my friend in many ways and they are there to help anyone and it does not matter how you child died they help everyone. I am so sorry for your loss. MAy he rest in pece xxxx

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Dawn - posted on 09/11/2009

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I lost my 16 yr. old daughter on June 12, 2001. Not a day goes by that I don't talk to her. I to write to her in a journal. A friend of my other daughter drew me a beautiful life size portrait of her. I have flowers and her cross surounding it. She was like a best friend to me. Guilt is not the best way to describe this feeling, it is anger. I was angry with God, I was angry with myself not knowing she was having nocturnal seizures, I was angry with her not telling me when she didn't feel well. Me and my other children talk of her often and laugh when we know what she would of done in certain situations. She is in a much better and beautiful place just preparring me to come home. I know she was there for my dad and I know she will be there for when the rest of us get there. I love her more everyday knowing that she is with her maker and that is where she is most welcomed at the right hand of our father. She might be driving him crazy, but I know she is happy...

Maimai - posted on 09/08/2009

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we lost our little angle boy when he was 1year and 3months old.i can say he was our little angel because from the birth he was diagnosed of microcephaly and turning 5months old we found out that he has 7abnormal congenalities.In short he died without hearing,cannot able to see see,walking nor sitting and talking.all his food were made blenderize.

My mother said he was truly angel!GOD HAS THE REASONS WHY HE TOOK FROM US!

Now it is easy to say but its hard to do this,,,by Accepting the facts that what happen to him and keeping on praying to God is the most powerfull to cope up especially the mothers who had lost their child.

Lastting,we can able to see our Psychiatrist who can help us to overcome our depressions.

Jessica - posted on 09/07/2009

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I have guilt everyday even though it's been over 8 years since my Marshall died of SIDS. He was 6 weeks old and my only "healthy" child at birth. It has been really hard to deal with him passing and his dad leaving us right before what would have been Marshall's first birthday. My boys and I go out every year on Marshall's birthday to his grave site and let ballons go up to the Heavens for him so that he knows we are thinking of him. And the realization that I will probably out live my other 2 kids hits home really hard knowing that I will be going through this again, is really heart breaking. A little back ground: Oldest son had Stage IV Cancer called Alveolar Rhabdomyosarcoma (it accounts for less than 0.3% of ALL childhood cancers). He is in remission now, but the docs say it's not a matter IF it comes back just a matter of TIME until it comes back (less than 5 yrs) and when it does there is no other treatments available because we hit him with the hardest doses we could. Second son: Born with multiple heart defects grouped together called Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. When he was born, the oldest living person with this heart defect was 18 yrs old at the time and passed away a couple of years after my son was born. My son is one of the oldest living kids with this heart defect in the U.S. The docs have no clue what to expect from him now. All in all I just pray for miracles and for peace of mind daily. We all deal with guilt in our own ways. I don't think that I could have done anything different in preventing Marshall's death. I believe that I did everything that I could have done. The docs assured me that there isn't anything anyone can do if it's gonna happen then it will happen with the SIDS cases. It breaks my heart knowing that so many of us are going through a loss of a child(ren). We should never have to out live our kids. My heart goes out to all of you. GOD BLESS you all!

Andrea - posted on 09/07/2009

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I'm sorry for your loss. We lost our daughter Kylie at 13 months old from SUDC. It is a cousin of SIDS that affects children over the age of one. So far the research says they dont know why my healthy toddler passed away in her sleep. My mind goes to everything I have ever done that wasn't by the book and I say "Was it that?". I know I couldn't of changed it because even if given the chance what could I have changed. But guilt is always there and there is no choice but to face it and deal. I hate when people say "I dont know what I would do if that happened to me", you would do the sme thing. . . live but with a hole in your heart.

Haun - posted on 09/07/2009

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Quoting candius:

My olest son Jack die June 20,2009 from a drowing. He was ten years old. It's been 2 months since he has been gone , but I still feel very lost. I have nightmares all the time.
I thank god that I have 3 other children, they help get out of bed very day and stay on moveing. I feel guilty about what happen. I'm to the point I don't know what to do with all the guilt that I have.



May God keep giving you the Strength to carry on, And even though nothing takes away the Pain always know that your Baby Jack has a Special Place in Heaven, I miss my son terribly but I know he would never come back to this world and your other children need you so much especially during this time. Let God take the Guilt away, If he Brings Us to It. He Will Bring Us Through It. I have been on my knees more times than I can count, I've been Angry, Questioned many times but I cant change it - I cant bring him back but I do know I can go to where he is at. If we wake up in the morning with a Pulse, then we have a Purpose. And God has a Plan for you and your precious children. Sometimes take it minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, whatever it takes. My Prayers and Thoughts are with you. All of you on this board have been through the Ultimate and unless you have been there nobody can understand. But know that you are not Alone....Peace Out 

Julie - posted on 09/07/2009

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I just recently have learned to accept the guilt.....and when talking about how I fell like i failed as a mum to other people before they tell me I shouldnt feel that way and then i feel guilty for felling that (as if it was wrong) I explain to them to please not tell me to feel this way ...because I do and will for the rest of my life....acceptance for me is the key to freedom....my son passed from SIDS 2 years ago every day I feel guilty for leaving him to sleep in his crib for the first time of his 8week short life I feel guilt that I smoked and drank whiout knowing I was pregnet for the firs 3 mns I feel guilt every day mostly for not feeling that Mothers instint....when he passed away .....But just in the last 2 weeks for some reason I just accepted that guilt and that blame and decided to move on and I tell you it has made me feel so much better to acknowlage and accept = a bit of freedom in my mind....love and peace to all you Mums out ther ....blessed be....

Noeletta - posted on 09/04/2009

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I lost my son nine years ago. He was 3 when he drowned and it tore my life and familt apart. The feeling of guilt lingered for a very long time. And the what if's?? I did not go to work that day, if dad did not take the kids swimming?? GUILT!! I carry it around everyday, especially when I look in to the eyes of my 13 yaer old daughter. But I have survived, I kept a diary and wrote in it nearly everyday in the first two years following my babies death. Now when I feel guilt or miss him I write in it. On him death day and birthdays!! I write letters to him?? The last nine years have been the most challenging of my life and I pray to god that none of my family ever have to go through what I have been through. My husban and I are still married - it's been a challenge tho. And we now have three more children whom we love so much. My relationship with my eldest daughter is hard tho. We get along but the guilt tears me apart. But in my heart and in my soul body and mind will alwys be my eldest and most preciuos son.

Brooke - posted on 09/04/2009

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My daughter was 19months old when she passed away. She had a lot of problems and we put her on medication to help her, so she wouldnt' feel any pain.
When we started my daughter on morphine, we had the choice of stopping the process or sedation. I used to feel guilty everyday..like it was the easy way out. But then again, she was in pain and i didn't want her to stay here on earth, because of my selfishness.
I still thank everyday, every hour of what i should've asked the Dr's or why i didn't think of this, or why they didnt do that...or maybe the decision i made is what could've made her worse...
Someone once asked me to write a book about Novalees life...
Maybe someday

Karen - posted on 09/04/2009

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Hi Sumanda, I lost my first born son 31 years ago. I never felt guilt over his death per se, but I remember feeling guilty that I did not get to hold him at all, that I was not there at the hospital when he died, that I let my Aunt pick out his outfit to be buried in and his head stone, and what to put on his headstone. All because I just couldn't cope with those decision at that time. I do feel some guilt that I didn't insist on having a cesarian birth when they found out he was a breech position. Since that time I do not trust in what doctor's say, now I question them about everything.

I still miss my baby boy, even though I have three more children and it's been 31 years.

Marci - posted on 09/04/2009

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My son was born on April 7, 2003 he was still born. His cord was around his neck. Luckly, I have a wonderful husband we agreed that night that we would listen and support each other in every way when it came to Vinnie. I always ask myself how could I not know that this was happening to my baby. Did I ignore something a small sign. I cope by talking to my friends and family, also by letting myself feel whatever emotions might come on any given day. I think that coping with your child death takes a very long time. Being able to accept any emoition that comes a long with it helps. When asked how many kids I have I always say 3, I am getting better about talking about him and would never want to deny him to save my own feelings. I feel that everyday you wake up and remember your child is coping.

Tabitha - posted on 09/04/2009

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My son was born March 9th 2007. He was about a month early but perfect in every way. At first he didn't have any problems. For three glorious days he stayed with me in our room. No monitors, no scares, nothing. Then the morning we were supossed to be discharged, at about 2am a nurse came in to do vitals. She woke me up screaming code blue and running out of the room, taking my son with her. I thought it was just part of a crazy dream at first. Then I realized I was really awake. By the time I got to the baby care room there were tons of nurses and doctors swarming my son. He was an nauseating shade of blue and wasn't moving at all. They were able to revive him and put him on life support. Two days later his doctor pulled me aside and said that he wasn't responding to anything any more. Light, touch, pain, noise, nothing. Nothing worked. His eyes weren't even reacting to light. I was forced to choose between keeping him on support and just praying for a miracle, or turning off the machines and ending his pain. On March 19th 2007, I unhooked my son's last tube as the nurse handed him to me for our last goodbyes. I still say that the time since then has seemed like Hell on Earth. Now two years later I still wonder what if. What if I had pushed harder to have more tests done? What if I had just given him a little longer? What if we had gone home sooner? What if I hadn't had him so early? Would he still be alive? For a long time I was angry. I was angry at everyone and everything that got near me. I felt like someone had cheated me of my hopes and dreams. Then one day I realized I wasn't really mad at anyone else. I was mad at myself. I was mad that I had given up on him. Some days I still feel guilty for everything. Somedays I just want to close the entire world out and just stay locked up in my room, morning my son that I never got to know. So far I'm still having alot of problems dealing with that guilt. I have good days too, don't get me wrong. But sometimes he is all I can think about. I have figured out that venting helps. I talk about him nonstop. I write about him. I blogged about him for a while. I wrote poems and short stories for him. But alot of times just talking to another mom who has lost their angel and sharing our grief, guilt, and anger helps the most. My prayers go out to everyone on here that has known the loss of a child.

Katie - posted on 09/04/2009

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Quoting Haun:

I lost my son in November 2006. It was a day that my life changed forever, They only way I cope everyday is knowing that I will see him again. No Parent should ever have to lose a child and nothing in this world can help you. I pray a lot, I live that day over and over in my mind, I am not the same person and it makes me less fearful of death because if one of my children has already faced death then I can to. God Bless all of you that have lost children. Nothing anyone can say will help although their kind words mean well. Life is Hard Sometimes...



I feel alot like you Haun. I very much believe I will see my son again someday. I like to imagine him sitting on Jesus' lap, perfectly healthy. And I dont fear death nearly as much since I know that when I die I will get to be with him again. Not that I'm suicidal because I love my life and my husband and would never put him or my family through that. 



My son, Elijah, died December 18th 2008 at 2 weeks old from a viral infection. So it hasn't even been a year yet. I dont think I have let myself feel much guilt although when we were in the hospital with him I was very depressed and felt lots of guilt. My husband wouldn't let me blame myself. He was very strong for both of us when I couldn't be. I know God doesnt want me to feel guilty. I know feeling guilty doesnt change what happened or the fact that Elijah's gone. I refuse to let the devil put 'what if' thoughts in my head. I guess the short answer to the question is that I look to God and he gives me peace and joy. I refuse the devil and his doubts and guilt. I also coped with the death of Elijah by trying to get pregnant as soon as possible. God blessed us by giving us another beautiful boy that we will meet on November 12th, 2009. He will be healthy and strong, Asher Michael. I like knowing that I will have a healthy baby boy in my arms when I have to deal with the one year anniversary of Elijah's birthday and death.  

Mary - posted on 09/04/2009

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Quoting Sumanda:



Quoting Mary:

I'm sorry about your son. I coped by writing, going to counseling, and I got a tattoo of my daughter...My heart goes out to you. I don't feel like the other question is very fair...There is no way to say that someone could prevent their child's death, unless they were the one that killed them. I just feel like that question isn't right to ask... God wanted your child to be an angel and that's it... no blame should be associated with losing a child unless they were murdered.

I am not trying to sound mean, but that question was stuck in my head for a very long time... and it still comes back to me. It just seems to associate guilt and no mother wouldn't given their own life for their child to still be alive.





 






Mary,












I am so sorry that you misunderstood the question. I see now that the way I put it is very confusing. What I am trying to establish is whether you felt there was anything you could have done different to prevent the death. And not trying to place blame.






Even though I was not responsible for the death of my child I still sometimes feel that if I had done things differently he might not have died. These are the things that I feel guilty about:





I feel guilty about accepting the doctor’s demand for a hospital that we did not like and that we knew was taking bad care of patients.
I feel guilty about not spending the whole day with my baby while he was lying in ICU.
I feel guilty for being in a hurry the day that he died.



I would like to see if the guilt that I feel is similar to what other moms feel. Because feeling guilt is part of the grieving process.





I think that everyone feels guilty in an situation with someone dying. I mostly felt guilty for not saying something at her funeral, choosing to take her off the ventilator, and not doing more for her to be happy....

Candius - posted on 09/04/2009

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I live that day over and over in my mind too. When I close my eyes I see him under the water , he is clam and tells me its ok mom, I be fine. No parent should go throught this. And you are right Kathy I know one day I well see him again. And I know that my life has changed forever.

Danielle - posted on 09/04/2009

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I just recently lost my son Luke Evans on August 29,2009. All the doctor's told me was that I had an infection. My fiance and I believe it was due to me having a Aniocentesis performed on that Thursday before. It is hard for me because I don't have answers. Everything is running through my head right now. I did the blaming myself, asking where did I go wrong and why did this happen to our family? This was my 2nd miscarriage back to back only difference was this miscarriage happened at 18 weeks and the other happened at 2 weeks. I didn't think it would be this hard but noone can actually describe the loss of their child cause everyone views it differently. I wish I had all the answers then it wouldn't be so darn hard.

Haun - posted on 09/04/2009

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I lost my son in November 2006. It was a day that my life changed forever, They only way I cope everyday is knowing that I will see him again. No Parent should ever have to lose a child and nothing in this world can help you. I pray a lot, I live that day over and over in my mind, I am not the same person and it makes me less fearful of death because if one of my children has already faced death then I can to. God Bless all of you that have lost children. Nothing anyone can say will help although their kind words mean well. Life is Hard Sometimes...

Michelle - posted on 09/03/2009

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Quoting Candice:

I lost my daughter at 38 weeks of pregnancy due to the cord being wrapped around her neck 2x and cutting off blood flow and oxygen, she was still born, this did not happen during birth. I mainly coped by an online support group at yahoo.com called All Of Our Children (it is listed as one word I believe), I also coped with a journal as well. I did not necessarily write about how I was feeling but if it just helped me to scribble or to write questions or how I felt, that is what I did. I also have a pretty good support system with family. I also got a tattoo to memorialize her. I may have been the only one to have known her physically but she was still our daughter and a part of our family. I named her just the same as you would name a baby that was born. This just happened to us on 2/10/09 and I got pregnant again 6 weeks later with another baby girl. It is so bittersweet and very scary to us both.



I had my son on January 21st and lost him on Feb. 3.  He was born at 38 weeks and died from heart and lungs comlications that weren't found until birth.  We are currently trying to get pregnant.  I am scared, but I have to realize that it is God's hands.

Michelle - posted on 09/03/2009

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I don't know if I ever felt guilty. Just wondered if there was something I could have done different when I was pregnant. My son died at birth. His heart and lungs were very sick. I had him at 38 weeks, but he had heterotaxy. I just need to come to the understanding that there is nothing I could have done to prevent it.

Anna - posted on 09/03/2009

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I have posted this elsewhere here... I have used EFT.... Which is Emotional Freedom Technique...



I have used it to lessen my anger, guilt, and blaming. It has also helped me to grieve much more gently.



You know how we get the feeling of how what we experience emotionally is connected to our phisical health? EFT addresses that.



In fact here is a story of an 80 year old woman that experienced knee pain that went away after using EFT to get rid of over 55 years of guilt and anger and self-blame, much of it associated her miscarriages.



www.emofree.com/Pain-management/knee-pain-many-emotions.htm



Please look into the web site emofree.com. Its absolutely FREE to get their book that tells you how to do it. Anna

Angela - posted on 09/03/2009

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I lost my son at 4 months old. I developed preclampsia with my first pregnancy. So he was born early at 7 months. He weighed 3lbs and had complications since then. After his passing I was very angry and thought would did I do to deserve this. I thought I was going crazy, I couldnt be by myself. I didn't want to be in the dark. I started reading the bible and I got pregnant with my second son. I still feel like I could have done something to help from me getting sick to begin with. He passed away from sids, which makes it hard because they can't explain what that is yet.

Sherry - posted on 09/03/2009

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guilt unfortunatly is part of the greiving process and its one of the parts that I cant seem to get past. I lost my first daughter at 71/2 months. The cord seperated from the placenta. I went to the doctor for a normal check up and he said all is fine...2 days later I was in premature labor. She weighed 1 lb 1oz. And even though I was only 18yrs old myself, it still was hard. I didnt even know anything was wrong but after she came into this world, the doctor told me she had been death about a month. I thought how could I have not known this....not feeling movement, not growing a bigger belly. How could the doctor mistake my heart beat for hers. But every November 1st, I tell her happy birthday. She would be 28 now. And I thought that guilt was bad until I cosigned for a motorcycle (sport bike) for my 19 yr old son, my only son. A little over his 20th birthday on July 31st 2004 I was at a wedding and sitting at the table ready to eat, I looked up and felt a very different sinsation flow through my body. I immediatly got up and grabbed my cell and my boyfriend said where you going I said Christoher. He said what. I said Christopher, hes gone. He thought I was nuts. I ran outside turned on my phone and there was a message from my youngest daughter ( and last living child). It said "mom you need to call this number bub wrecked his bike". I lost it. My b/f came out and said whats going on. I told him again, that Christopher was gone. Explained the message and he said oh he probably just broke some bones. I said you dont understand, if that were true then the message would have said what hosp. they took him to. I called home while running to my car and his best friend anwsered and said I needed to come home. I said no....tell me where he is. He did and I was on my way to him. I didnt make it to him due to police not letting me and b/f pulling my car over and taking the keys. I said I need to get to him, I brought him into this world and I need to be there now that hes gone. All b/f could say is it'll be ok. 21/2 hours later 2 coroners showed up to tell my son died. I had to have a closed casket due to the unrepairable damage he sustained. I never got to say a final goodbye. Why did I help him get that bike I would say. If I hadnt he would still be here. And I still believe that 5 yrs later. I hang onto the last memory of him that I have and thats him coming to me hugging me, giving me a kiss and saying I love you see ya later. I have went through pure hell over this. But to help me cope, and to keep his memory alive I have memorial rides every year for him in May around his b-day. We always go by the accident site and pay our respects first. There is a cross there for him. I do visit it often. I also have his portrait tattooed on my arm. I dont cope very well in others opinion. I wish I had my mom to talk to but she died 18 months before he did. But I do thank the 600 + people who showed at the funeral home the day of the so called viewing. And thank God for letting me have 20 wonderful yrs with him. For those who have lost listen to the song "who you'd be today" by Kenny Cheseny. Sorry for babbling on so long.

Shayna - posted on 09/03/2009

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Hi Mary, what she was saying is that do you feel any guilt that your child passed away. I experienced that guilt because I caught an infection which led to my baby being delivered 15 weeks early. She was a preemie, she caught an infection and died in my arms. I felt guilty or should I say I felt bad because if i hadn't caught the infection, she would've been full term and she wouldn't have caught what killed her. Only premature babies get what she had. So, now do you understand how one can feel guilty?

Shayna - posted on 09/03/2009

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Sorry to hear about your loss. I think you should have a lawyer look into the death of your baby, apparently somebody failed to notice something.

Shayna - posted on 09/03/2009

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Sorry to hear about your loss. My husband and I lost our baby girl this past January. I do sometimes feel guilty because zI caught a staph infection, which in turn caused her to be born 15 weeks early, she lived to 5 weeks old. I still think about how she would have been here if I hadn't caught that infection, I would've been able to carry her to full term. I cope with my feeling by talking to a counselor and going to support group. I try to remind myself daily that it wasn't my fault, but the guilt is still in my head.

Candice - posted on 09/03/2009

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I lost my daughter at 38 weeks of pregnancy due to the cord being wrapped around her neck 2x and cutting off blood flow and oxygen, she was still born, this did not happen during birth. I mainly coped by an online support group at yahoo.com called All Of Our Children (it is listed as one word I believe), I also coped with a journal as well. I did not necessarily write about how I was feeling but if it just helped me to scribble or to write questions or how I felt, that is what I did. I also have a pretty good support system with family. I also got a tattoo to memorialize her. I may have been the only one to have known her physically but she was still our daughter and a part of our family. I named her just the same as you would name a baby that was born. This just happened to us on 2/10/09 and I got pregnant again 6 weeks later with another baby girl. It is so bittersweet and very scary to us both.

Candius - posted on 09/03/2009

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My olest son Jack die June 20,2009 from a drowing. He was ten years old. It's been 2 months since he has been gone , but I still feel very lost. I have nightmares all the time.

I thank god that I have 3 other children, they help get out of bed very day and stay on moveing. I feel guilty about what happen. I'm to the point I don't know what to do with all the guilt that I have.

Sumanda - posted on 09/02/2009

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Quoting Mary:

I'm sorry about your son. I coped by writing, going to counseling, and I got a tattoo of my daughter...My heart goes out to you. I don't feel like the other question is very fair...There is no way to say that someone could prevent their child's death, unless they were the one that killed them. I just feel like that question isn't right to ask... God wanted your child to be an angel and that's it... no blame should be associated with losing a child unless they were murdered.

I am not trying to sound mean, but that question was stuck in my head for a very long time... and it still comes back to me. It just seems to associate guilt and no mother wouldn't given their own life for their child to still be alive.


 



Mary,






I am so sorry that you misunderstood the question. I see now that the way I put it is very confusing. What I am trying to establish is whether you felt there was anything you could have done different to prevent the death. And not trying to place blame.



Even though I was not responsible for the death of my child I still sometimes feel that if I had done things differently he might not have died.  These are the things that I feel guilty about:





I feel guilty about accepting the doctor’s demand for a hospital that we did not like and that we knew was taking bad care of patients.

I feel guilty about not spending the whole day with my baby while he was lying in ICU.

I feel guilty for being in a hurry the day that he died.



I would like to see if the guilt that I feel is similar to what other moms feel. Because feeling guilt is part of the grieving process.

Summer - posted on 09/02/2009

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I know that when my daughter died, I felt like I was being punished. When I was pregnant and overdue, I tried to tell the doctors that there was something wrong and they refused to listen to me they treated me like I was mentally ill and trying to get attention by taking her to the hospital. My daughter was in and out of the hospital with fevers and the last time we checked into the hospital she stayed for the day and died of an "overwhelming infection". After she died, I thought that I should have just took her to the bigger hospital in another city and not listened to the doctors in the small hospital without a neonatal unit. I just trusted them, they are the experts.
I cope with the guilt by telling her story, knowing that doctors are not God and I have the right to question them, and not taking the guilt from where it belongs. I wasn't responsible for her death. There were a series of doctors who may have been able to prevent it, but they didn't cause it. It just happened, and there isn't any person to blame. There are days that I still have to forgive some of the doctors, but I make a choice to do that over and over again. I believe that sometimes forgiveness is a long process. I know that they didn't kill her, the infection did...but it is harder to be mad at.

Rebecca - posted on 09/02/2009

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my son died in 1995 and it is still hard for me because about 4 monthes before i had my son his dad died so when my son died it made it worst but all i do is try to think happy thoughts and 5 years later i had another son that was suppose to be born on the same day but they took him a week early but i try to think happy thoughts

Deborah - posted on 09/02/2009

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The guilt of my daughter death was heard to deal with she died in a car accident I put myself tho hell with the maybes the what ifs and course it still comes down to the fact shes still dead I guess it came down to being tired of trying to change what I cant and I had to stop putting myself thou all of it. Some times when I read the Bible and I read that God knows the day your born and every hear on your head then you know he knows when your suppose to die so I have to give it to him because without him I don't know where Id be.

Mary - posted on 09/02/2009

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I'm sorry about your son. I coped by writing, going to counseling, and I got a tattoo of my daughter...My heart goes out to you. I don't feel like the other question is very fair...There is no way to say that someone could prevent their child's death, unless they were the one that killed them. I just feel like that question isn't right to ask... God wanted your child to be an angel and that's it... no blame should be associated with losing a child unless they were murdered.



I am not trying to sound mean, but that question was stuck in my head for a very long time... and it still comes back to me. It just seems to associate guilt and no mother wouldn't given their own life for their child to still be alive.

[deleted account]

I am so very sorry about your son,my heart hurts for you and I feel the tears well up in my eye,I know it is so easy to say but please don't beat your self up about it,you would have never put your son in arms way,you did what you thought was ok.And yes as mothers we think we should know better and we may but we do what we can.I lost my infant daughter due to multilple medical problems and a very difficult pregnancy and it had been 9yrs and there isn't a day that doesn't go by that she doesn't cross my mind.I go to her grave regulary and tell her I am so sorry I did my best and feel bad that there wasn't something I could have done in pregancy to keep her here with us.She was born after 2 miscarriages.Thought why are we being punished,then finally we had our daughter who is 8,but what a road to get her.Write to me anytime if you want to talk,always here for a mom who has had a lost.We may have many different stories of how our child died but we have suffered a loss and that is awful not matter how it happened but having a support group of other moms helps to support one another threw this life with our loss's.I am open to chating with anyone.God bless you and may your angel be with mine and many others looking down on us as our guardian angels!!! Take care!!!

Alisha - posted on 09/02/2009

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My son died when he was 2. He is a child abuse victim at the hands of his father. Him an his sister went for a visit the same way they had for a year an somehow it all fell apart. There is not a day that goes by that I dont regret lettin him go over there, or not dropping in to check on them. But at the same time I felt that he was there father an I trusted that he would take good care of them as he always had. He never even raised his voice to the kids around me, I never thought that he could beat one of them. My son has been gone for two years now an I still wake up everyday an regret letting him leave that weekend, I feel that as his mother it was my job to protect him an I failed, I couldn't be there to protect him from the one person he needed to be protected from. After a year of therapists the only thing that I have figured out is that I won't make them same mistake with any of my other kids. An I strive everyday to make sure that I know where they are, how they are being treated, who all is there, every little detail. Everyone tells me that there was no way for me to know what was going to happen when he left my house but I still feel that as a Mom I should have.

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