How to live?

Shelena - posted on 01/20/2010 ( 1 mom has responded )

14

15

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I haven't been on here for some time, my last conversation was the poem I posted. And to those of you that sent your regards, thank you and your welcome. I do hope you find a little comfort in the words as I did.
But now I need a bit of encourgement. I have been feeling terribly overwhelmed, its hard to explain. I'm not trying to complain about my life, I would never do that. I am grateful for things I have and the ones that love me. I am grateful for my children, my husband, and my brother. But I can feel myself getting more bitter every day. I can feel resentment seething under the surface of my calm exterior. I struggle every day for some small bit of sanity. I hang on to that tiny thread but the fear of it breaking is at the front of my thoughts. It's scary to see the ones around me always defensive, afraid of what I'll do next. I can see outside myself and see what my actions are doing to those that love me, but I'm not in control of my rash behavior. I have maintain this serene facade for 7 years. During these last seven years I have given birth to my two beautiful girls, I have left the "9 to 5" world and taken to being a Mother and a caregiver to my handicapped brother. I have always been thankful that I get to do this for him. I don't regret the choices I have made. And I get to spend every day with my girls and with my best friend/brother.
Although, I get very few breaks from my girls, my brother, daily stay-at-home mom duties. And my muscles are tired. As I write this the guilt is crashing me, I should be stronger than this. So now I wonder what should I do? I don't know where to turn, how can I regain my composure?

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[deleted account]

I think when you have been through a loss we feel we have to be grateful for the things we have in life and we can tend to throw our heart and soul into our loved ones. This can lead to burn out. You say you are getting few breaks from the very demanding but worthwhile duties you have. I know I overcompensated at times and never gave myself a break. We all need to refuel at times. Think of that notice on an aeroplane that says you must put on your oxygen mask on first before your children. If you don't you are no good to them. As for feeling you should be stronger, haven't you just survived the biggest loss anyone could endure? Lots of people never have to cope with that and you have been amazing carrying on and loving your family. I personally feel and this is just my opinion, that time for yourself is your oxygen mask and then you can carry on being an excellent loving parent, wife and sister.

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