How to respond to person who says losing a husband is worse than a child

Glenda - posted on 11/11/2009 ( 63 moms have responded )

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How do you respond to this? Its been 11 year since my goregous Ben lost his fight with cancer, does his death mean any less or ache differently because he was a child and not a husband - some people are just so bloody insensitive....

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Camille - posted on 12/19/2012

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Monique,

Let me first start by asking do you have a husband or children, have you ever had anyone close to you die? If you have never lost a child, husband or anyone close to your heart you shouldn’t say anything about what is worse or not. I will say that I myself have lost my father, my brother and just recently my son there is no comparison in pain or stress, etc. Why would anyone in their right mind tell anyone person that their loss was much worse? I was devastated when I lost both my brother and my father but when I lost my son there are no words to explain how I felt and still feel today. I would never even think to compare the feelings of any of them they are most definitely different.

A child CAN NOT be replaced by another regardless of what anyone says or thinks. For you to suggest that is absolutely ridiculous. I truly feel sorry for you if you believe that you can simply have another child and all will be fine. Regardless if I ever had another child or not they would NEVER replace my son.

I absolutely love and adore my husband but I would never choose him over my childre and I'm positive he feels the same way. So, unless you have actually had the opportunity to love your own child or have never lost a child you should probably stop trying to compare or make rude comments on anyone’s loss, especially that of a child. In case you haven’t noticed that’s what this specific community is for so you’re probably not going to get very many people that agree with you.

Kelly - posted on 11/11/2009

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Personally, I wouldn't respond. I might even turn on my heel and walk away from whatever was left of the conversation. I would suppose that this person is speaking from experience when they talk about loosing a husband, and while I have no experience, I'm sure that's horrible. However, it is WIDELY accepted, and "common knowledge" in the circles of psychiatry, that loosing a child is the worst pain one can feel.

I find no reason to belittle someone else's pain, and obviously this person was in pain... or they wouldn't have tried to belittle YOUR pain. I'm so sorry you had to experience that.

Renee - posted on 02/09/2013

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It is difficult to lose a Child and have people, who have never lost a child say anything is more difficult then a loosing a child. I hurt for my daughter, and others hurt for their husbands (or wives), and to some the worst pain they have felt is loosing a parent, friend, or some one very close. We all hurt and long for the one who is not here with us anymore. This is isn't a contest. To you, loosing your husband is the worst thing you have ever felt, to others, like myself in this forum designed for parents who have lost a child, it's loosing a child. Everyone needs to respect that fact.

Carol - posted on 12/18/2012

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No one is rating death Monique, it is sad for you to say that to people who are going through the death of a loved one, especially a child. They are physically and mentally and a very special part of us from their beginning. Have you lost a child, every loss is different, and every one that each Person going through it feels like they are alone in their grief. Be kind, you never know when you may need the kindness and understanding of others.

Joy - posted on 12/18/2012

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I am so sorry, I know how you feel. I actually lost my husband 17 yrs ago and 7 weeks ago I lost my 32 yr old son, I can tell you from expierence loosing my son is far more painful and it seems like a part of my soul has died as well. Sometimes I feel as though I can not breath, I cry constantly and I dont want to leave my home because that is the last place I saw him talking and laughing. Sometimes, I feel as though I am loosing my mind, I do know that my son is in Heaven and he is Happy,healthy and better than he was on earth but I feel as though I wont make it another day because I can not see him or talk to him. It has been 7 weeks, I never went that long without talking to my son on the phone or in person since the day he was born. I called a place just the other day and I was of couse crying so I didnt want her to think I was crying about the call so I told her my son had just passed, she said I know how that feels I lost my Mom 20 yrs ago, I said its not the same thing and she said, WITH ANGER IN HER VOICE YES IT IS AND IF YOU CAN NOT CALM DOWN THAN CALL BACK LATER. Needless to say I hung up and I cried for two days, I kept saying she was not right to my self, I couldnt understand her thinking, normally I would have shrug something like that off but because of my situation, I couldnt let it go, I felt so angry. Anyway, I pray that you will be ok, ask God to help you, he is with me and was when My husband passed as well, he has always brought me through, if I didnt know he was with me and that my son was with me, I would not be here. When a child dies, part of you dies, your soul is broken, that doesnt happen with a husband or mother even. God Bless you

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Eric - posted on 01/09/2014

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I lost my only son at age 14...Hit by a car. I watched him hang on for life for over 18 hours as I was pleading and begging God to take me instead! No such deal was to ever take place! My son and I were as close as any Father son relationship could be. Im asking anyone who has a spouse and a child.....If you were held captive by someone at gun point and they said choose your spouse or your child what would you say? Choose quickly or he kills them both!!!

Kimberly - posted on 02/10/2013

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yes...this site is for us that have lost a child, not a spouse....for the person that stated that stupid remark should get some extra counseling...just for being so insensitive...why does she have the need to feel her pain is worse than what we are feeling...its just so sad

Irene - posted on 02/09/2013

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It is difficult to loose a spouse and have people, who have never lost a spouse say loosing a child is more difficult.

Patricia - posted on 02/05/2013

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What a TERRIBLE Thing to say to Anyone!!!!!!
Can't help but wonder if this person HAS any Children?
I've never lost either but I've known people who have lost both husbands AND Children and from that I can say that losing a Child has got to be FAR Worse than losing a husband. The Women I know who have lost their husbands Definitely Grieved but when it came to the people I know who have lost Children, Their Grief is TOTALLY indescribable; I will never forget the pain these Women Felt to lose their Children & the Sadness I still see when I see Them...Granted, I'd hate to lose my husband as I Truly & Deeply Love him more than I can say but to lose one of my 4 Children.....That's a pain that goes way too deep for words ♥

Praying for You Always ♥

Kimberly - posted on 01/29/2013

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Sam,
i couldnt have said it better....small minded people could never understand the anquish we are all going through here...God bless You Ladies

Sam - posted on 01/28/2013

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Just to be clear, my comments below are addressed to Monique:

Wow. I'm guessing you don't have children??? If you do, I feel sorry for them. Your statements suggest that you can simply just "replace" a child by having another one. YOU CANNOT REPLACE ONE CHILD WITH ANOTHER. Each person born is a unique individual. Plus, some people may not be able to have more children. What if that child was an only child? I don't know how you could even make a comment like that. It's ignorant and I don't care what psychology book you read. Plus, that child was part of you! Spouses come and go. People get divorced, people pass on. Marriage is not always a permanent situation. However, when you have a child, you are that child's parent for life.

I'll add also, that you said that your aunt lost her husband and that was the worst thing for her. It may have been the worst thing for her if that's the only loss she has ever experienced! You never said whether or not she had lost a child also. But, it really doesn't matter, because as I've said, there is absolutely no comparison to losing a child!!!

Kimberly - posted on 01/27/2013

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Ladies we are all here for the purpose of supporting one another during the most painful times of OUR LIVES...people like monique obviously have NO BLEEPING IDEA of what we are going through...So we cant get mad at her for her STUPIDITY...when you see she wrote something, just try and bypass it...she is NOT WORTH getting yourself upset over...we have more important things we have to deal with...and she is NOT one of them...some of us have other child to tend to, or jobs, or grandchildren, you get the picture...forrest gumps mother always said, "STUPID IS, IS STUPID DOES"...God Bless You Ladies

Kimberly - posted on 01/27/2013

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Lori Fennessey,
sorry for your loss...i feel a sad connection with you because my daughter also passed on August 30th. But it was last year 2012...it was also her 26th birthday

B - posted on 01/24/2013

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I have a sister who lost her 20 year old son. I have a sister who lost her 51 year old husband. I have another sister who recently lost her husband 51 years old and i lost my son 31 years old oldmore recently. I have seen both grieving from child and spouse. I dont know how I would respond...sorry. Personally when a spouse dies they leave you alone to deal with life with no emotional financial or physical supports these can and are often replaced yes replaced by someone new! The hole the loss of a child leaves in your heart is forever unable to be filled or replaced. I cant imagine losing my spouse of almost 33 years but I would choose to lose my son over child no questions!!! Side note my sisteR who recently lost her husband of 27 years started dating her deceased husbands married brother!!!

Tabitha - posted on 01/23/2013

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Monique:

I cannot understand why on Earth you would come here, to a group for people grieving and in intense pain, to try and argue that losing a spouse is 'worse'. Your last remark was flippant and seemingly pointed to make it seem as though others were making a big deal of nothing...but the feeling I have is that you have no idea what your talking about.

I personally have never lost a spouse, I cannot speak for that unimaginable pain. But I can say that I am a person who tends to carry grudges...I have no shortage of people that I feud with. In total and complete honesty I would NEVER ever wish this on anyone, including those I fight with.

I'm willing to bet you have never lost a child, nor have you ever lost a spouse. You have no idea of the kind of heartbreak we deal with daily.

Having another child wont mend the heart. It wont quiet the screams in your head that are demanding your baby back. It wont keep your arms from aching to hold them one last time. It wont magically make all the dreams and hopes you had for that little ones life disappear. It wont keep the repeated nightmares of their death from disturbing your peaceful sleep every single night.

So please, explain to me how exactly you, of all people, are qualified to tell me that my pain from losing my son is less than that of a woman who lost her husband. Explain, in detail, how having another child will magically solve all my problems. Cause honey, I have had another child and while I do adore her, my pain is there. Every day. Every night. Every single moment since they shut off his machines.

Joy - posted on 12/22/2012

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To Monique: Have you ever lost a child, have you even ever lost a spouse, I have lost both and trust me, when my son passed Oct of this year a piece of my heart went with him, I feel a pain that I would not wish on my worst enemy, I want to die most of the time and the rest of the time Im sedated, when and if (God forbid) you loose a child then you come to me and tell me that loosing a spouse is harder, stressful or whatever you mean. I grew my child, I watched him grow for 32 ys and then hes gone, what is worse than having to say good bye to apart of your soul??????

Shay - posted on 12/18/2012

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i would most probley smack them and im not a violent person... i have never lots a child and for that i am greatful but i know i would rather my husband die over my children ... my husband would say the same thing with me dying over his children.. i am sorry for everyones loss rest in peace for the souls that were taken way to soon weather if they were 90 or never born breathing

Renee - posted on 12/18/2012

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Monique, what is your problem? First of all, you just contradicted yourself. You start out by stating that losing a spouse is worse because something your aunt told you, and then go on to say that ranking is irrelevant. Weren't you the one that posted the comment with the link to the rankings of tragic events (where spouse is listed as worst)??? Did you run out of 45 year old journals to post links to, to prove your point. Have you personally experienced loss??? Please tell me this, because you keep posting links to Journals, and talking about second hand experiences; all while not being very compassionate to how others are feeling. I am not sure if English your is your second language because I know this website is international, but the way you words things in your posts comes across very cold hearted and aloof, and It is rubbing me very much the wrong way.

Most people are here because they have experienced the loss of a child, so of course you are going to have an overwhelming amount of responses from people who have lost a child. If this were a forum for grieving spouses, you would have more responses from people who have lost a spouse. That isn't rocket science. Please don't belittle anyone else's pain, because to them, what they are experiencing is the worst feeling they have ever felt. To one person it is losing a child, to some it is losing a spouse, and others have lost both. To someone else it might be a grandparent, or a close friend. People cope and grieve differently. Please stop trying to say which one is worse. So, Monique, get over yourself and stop trolling on this forum for parents who have lost a child. You are not helping. The person who started this thread is looking for a way to deal with people like you.

[deleted account]

What are you all trying so hard to convince yourselves of? My aunt lost her husband and son. She says losing her husband was the worse thing that has ever happened to her, but they were very much in love. Some spouses aren't. Go figure. So what. It's all tragic, and it's certainly not a contest. Don't give out any energy. Ranking which death is worse is irrelevant.

Carol - posted on 12/17/2012

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You are so right, they don't know. If there is a way to know how to lose your child it is completely alien to me, I lost my son at 29 years old and have 4 other children and an identical twin to him, but it is the worst and most horrendous thing that ever happened to me/ I thank God for what I have and so sad for what I have lost as you are. We are going through a place in our lives that no other parent should have to face, but, what can we do, we are so helpless.. This is the 5th year anniversary of his death and it feels like yesterday, I want him back and read his letters to me and am lost. I don't know what to do. I love him so and feel like I didn't have enough time to tell him how proud I was of him for the accomplishments he was making. God Bless You and your family and hope you find the peace that I have not been able to.

Renee - posted on 12/09/2012

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I don't usually comment like this on posts, but what Monique Bond posted has me rather heated. I am taken back by her posts, and I am really agitated. Sorry this is long, but I am trying to get my point across without being taken the wrong way. Plus I tend to rant when I’m heated.



Monique Bond: I am assuming you have not lost a child, because I don't think you would sit there and post things like the posts you made if you had. (troll?) I am assuming you have not experienced a lot of loss either for the same reason.



Let’s look at this study you have posted twice and so adamantly commented on as well. This study puts the loss of a spouse as the most weighted stressful event used a tool to measure the stress load we carry attempting to correlate stress and becoming ill in the future. The loss of a spouse was one of 43 life events that a poll of 5,000 medical patients had to go down and check whether or not they experienced that event within the last 2 years. This study does not even mention the death of a child. Death of a close family member is listed, but it is not the same as the death of a child (who is defined as close family, anyway?).



Let's use the silly little numbers from the excerpt of "The Social Readjustment Rating Scale" by Holmes and Rahe , which only address a small demographic of stressful events out a Journal from 1967 (45 years ago). A loss of a spouse gives you 100 points, and divorce gives you 73 points, and loss of a close family member gives you 63 points. Divorce is second on this list, but again this was from 45 years ago. Divorce was treated differently 45 years ago. So, right there how valid is this list in the present? Which, I think losing my father was way worse than the divorce I had to go through with my horrible ex-husband, but whatever. I guess it's much easier for the "experts" to quantify and standardize feelings in an effective method *sarcasm* (45 years ago, might I add).



Not to mention that this study is looking at stress. Stress and grief are both very different monsters. Everyone grieves differently, and I think for her to compare the loss of one thing to another is really cruel and insensitive. And to then post these numbers showing a person, who is only asking how to deal with these people, who feel the need to compare is not really helping. We have a person trying to figure out how to handle these people, while she too is still dealing with the devastating loss of her child. This pain never goes away, you learn to cope with it over the years, but the black hole that was left after my daughter passed is still just as strong as it was the day her little heart stopped beating. I would never compare my losses to anyone else's.



Unlike what this scale takes into consideration, is that the relationship you have with each person is different. I was very close to my father, but someone who is distant from theirs would grieve differently. My mother and father were very close and someone who was in a terrible relationship would mourn the loss of their spouse differently. A newlywed couple would be affected differently at the loss of a spouse versus an older couple who spent a whole lifetime making memories. The difference between the relationships of different people and their spouses are so varied, how can you even begin trying to compare the loss of a spouse to the loss of a child (apples and oranges?). I have met other women who have lost children at different stages (miscarriages through grown up children), and I would never compare what I have been through to what they have experienced or were going through at the time.



What this comes down to is ignorance. I think that when you get consumed by grief you are ignorant to what others are feelings. I like what another mom posted, and I would ask the person "So, when did you lose your child?" ... because unless someone has experienced the loss of both, then they have no room to belittle either side.

[deleted account]

Losing a spouse is the most stressful thing that can happen to a human being according to diminishment of psychological and physical health after spouse's death compare to a childs death. I think perhaps because the couple can quickly have another child versus it's much more difficult to find another spouse.

[deleted account]

The death of a spouse is the most stressful event that any person can endure although pain is different from stress. The death of a spouse causes you to lose your lover, your best friend, your financial partner, your helper, etc... although I guess if you didn't like your spouse very much then this would not apply to you.. Again, stress is different from pain and everyone is different. for me I can't imagine anything more frightening or stressful than losing my husbandhttp://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/n...

Lisa - posted on 11/12/2012

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Both deaths are terrible, but a child is much worse. Have you ever heard the screams of a mother as her body is lowered into the ground, begging one last time for him to awaken, even though she knows he won’t? The death of a child isn’t worse because they’re young. It’s worse because you’ve spent nine months carrying it in your stomach, creating it and letting it grow inside of you. And then you watched it grow before your eyes. You watched that child take it’s first step. You nurtured it; you held it so close to your heart when they’d crawl into their bed during thunderstorms; you’d risk everything to give them happiness. And then they’re gone. Just like that. Losing a child is worse because you expect that at some moment in your life, either you or your husband will die first. You know, deep down, that one of you will be burying the other. But your child, that you never expect.

Janet - posted on 09/04/2012

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For me, I would never say, "losing a husband is worse than losing a child" however I am childless so the worse for me was losing my husband.



No one should say it is worse losing a husband to a family who just lost a child and no one should say it is worse losing a child to a family who just lost there husand/father.



The pain of death is profound and should be treated with respect and compassion and not be compared to anything. It is cruel to make such comments especially if the person has not loss their husband nor their child.



I could write a book on the "things not to say to someone who just lost their husband". People can be insensitive and say unkind and cruel things without trying.

Sam - posted on 08/25/2011

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There is absolutely no way in my mind that losing a husband or wife can be worse than losing your child. A spouse is a spouse until "Death Do Us Part" or a divorce. Many people remarry after spouses die or get divorced. You cannot ever replace your child. Your child is part of you. You brought them into the world and your connection to them is forever. They will always be known as your child in life or death. A deceased spouse is no longer your spouse. I'm sure losing a husband or wife is a very traumatic thing but I fail to see how that compares to a child. As someone else said it is not the natural way for children to predecease their parents. Most parents would give their own lives to save their children. I know that I would. People who have not lost children should not comment on such. In fact, they shouldn't comment, period. It's rude and insensitive.

Bonnie - posted on 03/08/2011

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No it is not any difference in ache and pain. The only thing different is children are not supposed to go before there parents. When people are insensitive towqrds me I just walk away.

Patricia - posted on 01/28/2011

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Very touchy subject, and depends on who you talk to. Both my parents, and my husbands parents have lost a child. My father lost my mother, my husbands mother lost her husband. My father said the loss of their only son was the worst pain imaginable. My mother-in-law says it was the loss of her husband. (go figure) I witnessed my parents lose their only son at the tender age of 20 from injuries sustained in an auto accident. There grief was so strong you could feel it in the air. When my in-laws lost their daughter (44 yrs) to cancer, they endured. When my mother-in-law lost her husband, you would have thought her life lost all meaning.
I am a wife and a mother, both my husband and I feel the loss of one of our sons would be much, much worse to bear than the loss of each other.

Amy - posted on 01/16/2010

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When my son Lucas died someone said this to me. "When you lose a parent, spouse, sibling, friend, ect... you lose a part of your past. But when you lose a child, you lose part of your future." It is the most painful experience a person can go through, losing a child.

Emer - posted on 12/20/2009

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my mom lost her partner yrs ago&she said she was compleatly devasted by his death but if it had been1of her children so cud not ave went on i lost a baby3yrs ago&il never get over her death i just dont tink its not natural tat im ere living my life while my poor child is in the cold ground

Connie - posted on 12/17/2009

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I too would not even respond to someone who is being so insensitive to you. Here is something to think about
If you loose a spouse you are a Widow/ widower
if you loose a parent you are an orphan
but there is no word for the parent left behind when they loose a child
why is that, I think because there is no word great enough to exspress theat kind of loss..

Hellen - posted on 12/16/2009

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my mom says that losing a spouse is more painful than losing a child because a spouse is chosen, a chosen person that you decide to be with and a child is given.

I lost my son Andrew almost 3 years ago now and i still cant agree with her about this

Rayna - posted on 12/11/2009

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Losing a child is the hardest thing any person will ever go through. You expect that there is a possibility that you will outlive your spouse. You know that you will outlive your parents. You should not outlive your children.

Shayna - posted on 12/11/2009

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Personally, i would tell them to give me their opinion after they've lost one of their kids. NOTHING in this world can compare to the loss of a child, you gave birth to it. Losing a husband can be sad, but at least they were grown. They shouldn't say that to you unless they've lost both.

Vanessa - posted on 12/08/2009

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People are sometimes ignorant and insensitive. I had a co-worker tell me(3 weeks after my son died) that she knew exactly how I felt, she lost her husband in an accident 10 years ago. I couldn't believe she had just compared the two! I forced a smile on my face, and told her I was so sorry to hear about that, and also that I hoped she would never have to learn the difference between losing a husband or losing a child. Then I walked off. Maybe it was a bit cold, but I was totally shocked.

Wanda - posted on 12/07/2009

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this is one of the most intresting and helpful conversations. How insesitive are people??? beyond dumb!!! quiet often control freaks , and selfish bullies. I get many people who want to boss me around =like in the click of fingers they grew a councelor/md diploma. The worst is the line of drama queens that have nothing of a life so someone elses joy is twisted to be about them and saddly someones saddness they crave to make themselves the focal point. There are 2 especially memerable. Example #1 : my daughter and sons widow are crying on the phone in a early stage of flashbacks. I go into the house and put the phone down and the visitors just blast away at me and my loved ones. Out of the blue they are defending the man who caused my sons death in trumped up bullshit like = how do we know he din't just fall asleep at the wheeel ( I never brought the subject of that man up. And duh, there were survivors). Example #2: a female but her old dog down and then shows up here with crocodile tears that I'd know her grief. First= my son was taken and there was not choice, it's a dog lady!!! You can buy another $$$$pet and keep buying pets. But, because my son was a adult with a wife and her dog lived with her = = = she must have won the grief contest....I am the mean loser because my son was not currently living under my roof. Doesn't it surprise you how a bully inflicts extra agony and then tries to be "the poor victim". I have had people argue with me that they want my memorial day holiday.... a zillion reasons idiots try to take a shot when you're down.

Mary - posted on 11/18/2009

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I believe that every person has their own "hardship' through their life... No one will understand how it feels to lose a child unless they've lost one... I don't believe that they are trying to be insensitive, but they just haven't been through it. I would just tell them that everyone goes through a situation that they believe to be the worse, but that is no reason to try to make someone's situation feel smaller than their own.

Missy - posted on 11/18/2009

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I think you can not put the two into the same category. I have personally lost a child and it is very difficult. I have not lost a spouse. From my stand point they are both horrible losses. Loosing a child is not "typical". You marry one day and you know that there is a possibility that you could outlive your spouse. When you have children you never expect to outlive them. Being a parent is the most important role a person can have, and when a child dies you feel as if your not doing your job. When a spouse dies you feel the same but not the same. I would just ignore that person. They obviously have never lost a child or a spouse cause if they would have they never would have made that statement.

Michele - posted on 11/18/2009

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It's been almost ten years since I lost my little Bryce. I could of never imagined the pain until it happened to me. I fought for my son from the time I was 9 weeks pregnant on. Although I was a single mother at that time, I had great support from my family. It is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. It is not any easier today then it was almost 10 years ago. I have learned to cope and can function normally but it doen't ease the pain.



As far as the husband goes. I love my husband with all my heart. He stands beside me every day and supports my decisions in life. I don't know what I would do without him but it is not the same. You don't watch your husband grow from a little spec into a living breathing person. You don't feel him inside you at all hours of the day and you didn't watch him struggle to take his first breath. Although it would be hard for me if something happened to my husband. I do not feel that it can compare to loosing your child.



If this person has not been through the death of a child she has no right to say anything. I would look at her and say "Oh when did your child pass away?" This normall stops most people.

Awhina - posted on 11/17/2009

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asking the midwives to make sure that my room was cold before my stillborn baby came out is unnatural leaving the hospital with my new baby in a coffin is unnatural loosing an adult is natural choosing the right coffin that would fit my babies body is not i have lost many loved ones adults and the pain is really bad but the loss of my own child is tormenting hell

Rose - posted on 11/17/2009

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Although losing a husband is painful, the loss of a child hurts like no other. This person might be hurting, But it doesn't lessen the pain you feel or make it any less significant. To aknowledge thier bearing on your aching heart gives them power over you. Thier opinions don't matter though my dear, only yours. An adult loss may hurt yes, but they at least got to live some of thier life, a child that was just blossoming into its own person and loses a life is far more hurtful and deafening to me in my opinion. So sorry that you have dealt with a very insensitive person and know that his life was all the most important because it was important to you. peace be with you.

Kathy - posted on 11/17/2009

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They don't understand. When it's ur child, u carried them 9 months. When u lose them it's like a part of u died. u have to find who u r without them. the part of u that's left has to learn to compensate for the part of u that's here. Being married u r as one but a child actually has ur blood running through it's veins. It's a different loss all together. It's only been 4 years since my Jackie was killed in car accident. It's hard to go on sometimes. Anyways if u need to talk I am here. We all gotta live on this earth. We may as well help each other through it. At least I think so. Kathy

Jill - posted on 11/16/2009

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Quoting Jill:



Quoting Mary:

You guys are all better people than me. I have never been good at turning the other cheek when people are cruel and insensitive. I feel I am doing them a favor, making them better people, by pointing out the error of their ways ;-) I know this woman is in pain too, but that kind of ignorant comment is beyond cruel.






She has no clue.     JILLPLOUFFE 






I also have a hard time with turning the other check.

Jill - posted on 11/16/2009

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Quoting Mary:

You guys are all better people than me. I have never been good at turning the other cheek when people are cruel and insensitive. I feel I am doing them a favor, making them better people, by pointing out the error of their ways ;-) I know this woman is in pain too, but that kind of ignorant comment is beyond cruel.



She has no clue.     JILLPLOUFFE 

Jill - posted on 11/16/2009

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wow Ok When you have lost a child,apart of you goes with them. when you have a husband or mom or dad or family or friends that die. it is very pain full.and takes years ,and years to find peace.,But your baby is different. My Christine was murdered by her husband. in frount of her 3 year old son. I have him now with me. To lose some one to murder .is worse than anything. you just keep thinking of what they went though were they calling for you how much pain they were in. how very afaide they were. it never leaves your mine. she was 31 ,and my best friend. I miss her and love her so much. It will be 2 years this Fri. the 20. No trail till Feb. 25 2010. And we will have to live it all again. Thank you JILL PLOUFFE jillfred02@aol.com If you need to talk.

Jean - posted on 11/16/2009

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A child who loses a parent is called an orphan,
A husband who loses a wife is called a widower,
A wife who loses a husband is called a widow,
But there is no name for a parent who loses a child,
Because there are no words to describe the pain.

Losing a child goes beyond the norm, what everyone expects, and it can be mind boggling for some people because it just fails to make sense. You die when you're old, when your body is worn and tired, not when you're young and full of life. People can say dumb things, either because they think you should be over it, or because they want to make it better but fail miserably. I'm so sorry for your loss, even though it's been 11 years. The pain never goes away, we just grow stronger for having to carry that heavy burden every day of our lives.

[deleted account]

I am truly sorry for your loss and the heartache that you're experiencing. And I find it terrible that someone can say such a nasty remark! The loss of a child is definetly the most traumatic loss that one can suffer, and to me(and according to books on bereaverment) no other loss compares. Please feel uplifted when I say that the lady who has mentioned such a statement to you should not have belittled your pain. This person obvioulsy does not know how you feel, as she has probably not suffered the loss of a child.
Take the high road, walk away from such negative ppl.

Karen - posted on 11/15/2009

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I don't think I can without being bitter and hurtful. After 5 years, 2 months 14 days 3 hours and 22 mins...I still feel as if a piece of my soul is being tortured moment by moment. I have had two children since, but I still miss and crave my first son like my very breath. I cannot say that about any man I have ever had in my life.

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