I cannot forgive my mother-in-law

LaShawn - posted on 03/28/2012

Hi Shu, first of all sad to hear about your son's lost. He's in heaven with God now. It is hard for me to forgive my mother-n-law because she has said so much heartful things to me, as well as tried to ruin my marriage,to the point where I am exhausted. It's not just her, it's my in-laws in general. They have never accepted me or my girls totally. My mother-n-law comes and picks up my girls once a yr. and always constantly making up excuses why she can not come get them. But we stay in the same state! Also, once she was renewing her vows to her husband, I did not have money to buy a dress to match what colors everyone would wear for pictures, so I wore what I had to wear. She did not let me take pictures with my husband, since I did not have the colors everyone else was wearing in the pictures. Also, there was an occassion yrs. ago when she invited everyone to a special event that was going on for her husband, but decided not to put me down on the invitation. She listed my husband, and my kids, but my name was not on the invitation. She's yelled at me numerous of occassions all because when she saids hurtful things to me and I speak my mind, then she does not like that!!! She said I had too much mouth! I never cursed her out, only told her how she was wrong and checked her for it! The last straw was a few yrs. back and me and my husband was having problems in our marriage, I found out he was cheating on me. I was hurt and crying. You know what she said? He needs to have female friends other than you!!! You're just insecure!!! That really hurt. I have then stopped talking to her. I only speak on special occassions, such as holidays. I do not ever call her, and talk to her about anything. Because I have been a good woman to my husband and all she does is hate me for being the woman that I am. So now, I just pray to God, that my husband and i will keep our relationship strong, which we have worked hard to do, and we have been married for almost 15 yrs. now. I am 34 yrs. old, still young. As long as my husband never cheats again, and we keep our friendship strong, I am not worried about my in-laws anymore!

Lorraine - posted on 08/02/2011

Casey, I read your reply and you are so right. People can be mean and hurtful, but we have to remember that we are in control. We can not control others actions or words and it is only natural to take them to heart when you are hurt. We can choose to live our lives and move forward or allow others to hold us back. I always tell people I have three children, one who is 24, one who is in Heaven and would be 16 if he were still here and a 13 year old. I remember something my dad told me once. You have to ignore ignorance and sometimes people can be that way. They have no idea what you are going through and instead of trying to help you they make it about themselves. No matter what, we all have a connection that we share and we understand. Others can not even begin to comprehend what we are going through. I choose to stay away from people who are about themselves and want to bring me down to their level, there are more important things to focus on in life and life is to short for all the drama. I appreciate your reply. I hope things work out good for you and you keep the memory alive of grace and mercy. Enjoy the precious moments with your 3 boys. I think it is interesting how God gives us mercy and grace and that is what you named your two precious gifts of life. Lorraine

Amanda - posted on 07/29/2011

Honestly hun, forgiveness is over rated in this situation. U will no b able to forgive her until u have gotten off ur chest how u feel about what was said. You need to do the same to everyone else as well. I had several family members, on the night of and next day of my sons deather make horrible horrible comments. U have to release the built up anger and reasons why to b able to forgive. until u do so hun, it will not happen. i finally after 3 years spoke my mind and although i say i forgave them, they know its impossible to really do so. at a time when people should of been supportive of u nd ur feelings, their true selfishness emerged. Im so sorry dear.

Trinity - posted on 07/28/2011

It seems that everyone in these situations goes through this in some way or another. The day my son passed my mother in law caused a huge seen at the hospital wailing like someone was beating her as if her pain was greater than anyones, but while my son was alive she never took the time to see him once. Now my only view on this is that a mothers bond with their children is always stronger than anyone elses on this earth and no one has the right to try to take that away from you. Loseing a child is a pain you will never get over or move past, your just get stronger to handle it. I believe that you cant keep toxic people in your life even if its family. I had a lot more support in my lose and Im so sorry that you didnt, you needed those people and they've shown their true colors. Forgive for your sake and your liveing children, but dont let people treat you as if you or your girls didnt matter because you all do.

Casey - posted on 07/25/2011

Some have dealt with more than they should, some have been 'lucky' in their horrendous greif. I have dealt and lived with both... But my MIL told me one time and it stuck with me, "you can not control people's actions or words, you can just control how they control you".
I gave birth to one twin girl on a Monday and gave birth to her beautiful little twin sister the following Friday. We buried them in a shared casket the following Wednesday. My girls, Mercy and Grace, lived their entire little lives in that hospital, in my arms. Everyday since their birth I have tried to live my life up to their names.
I have had the people in my life that told me things like, "they don't count""they don't matter""oh yeah,, forgot".. Even had the knock down drag out fight with my mother about who was hurting worse and what I should have been doing for her.
It took me 5 years to realize too that I was making my living children live in the shadow of my girls. And it broke my heart.
I still hang their stockings every Christmas and keep their pictures on the wall and have tattoos for my girls and still correct people that I have two girls along with their 3 little brothers.
You all have suffered more than anyone, unless they have been through anything like this, can imagine. You all are also stronger than anyone, unless they have been through this, can imagine.
It's been almost 7 years since Mercy and Grace laid in my arms, but I remember it daily like it was yesterday. And if memories are all I get,, then I will take it. But I will also cherish every day I have here and I refuse to allow others to control how I feel.

Anna - posted on 07/25/2011

I know what you mean! We lost our little one in 2009 and my mother in law told everyone that she was happy an she hopes my husband sees through me! (at this time my husband was getting ready to go over seas)
Well since then we now have a very healthy lttle boy who is 8 months old and my mother in law has only asked how he is maybe three or four times and has only seen him four times.
During my pregnancy she wanted nothing to do with me, now that our son is getting bigger she wants me to allow him to go over to her house and stay the weekend. I can't bring myslef to allow him too, let alone sit through a dinner with her.

Ashelyne - posted on 06/11/2011

I know what your going threw with your family and child. I lost my son about 7 months ago. He was 4 months old. My grandma had the nerve and say to my moms best friend poor Kelly( meaning my mom). And when my grandma said I'm sorry she said it rudely. She has nothing ever nice to say to me at all. Shes been rude and mean. She said to my brother she loves being a bitch. I just can't forgive my grandma. And I've gone threw the same thing with my fiancés family. His little sister took the fan out of the room my son was sleeping in, in the summer and the ac wasn't working and it was over 100 degrees and my fiancé said it's hot in here you can kill Justin and he said idc it's my fan and slammed the door. And when he cries she would say shut him the hell up. An she would be mean and rude. So I banded her to see my son because she wasn't being nice at all. And she got pissed and pull somethings. Than I would get on my mom about things she done like smoking while holding my son. And also when my son died she went behind my back and called about his autopsy, and when she wanted to put my little sisters clothes on him and my little sister died from SIDS. My family hasn't been the beat either. I will never forgive my grandma and I haven't talked to her in 6 months. I know what your going threw with the family things. Even my brother had the nerve to say I'm selfish bc I wouldn't come back home to where my son died in my room and my dad died in tht house. And he was mad bc I was grieving and not talking to anyone. And I went off on my brother bc of he not talks or texts me when somethings wrong with my mom and it's not my fault.

Jessika - posted on 06/10/2011

I don't think that most people understand what we have to go through, we as in the Mommies of the precious Angel Babies. Shame on your Mother in Law for treating you or your husband that way. Stay strong, and know that your son was precious, loved, and important.

Amber - posted on 06/09/2011

I was mad at my mom for a long time, I blamed her because she blew the fuse and I had to go to basement and turn it back on, after that my water broke. She also took over the grief process and made it all about her. but when I talked to her I relised that as a mother you are not suposto burry your child before you and they should not burry thier grandchildren plus they hurt just as much for themself but they tend to carry our pain as well. & I had family members tell me the same things and I just take this as they do not know what to do or say and sometimes it best to keep them from adding to your hurt, I feel as parents of angels we have enough blame hate and hurt why let anyone else add to it. Tell her how you feel and let them know how you feel then drop it with them.

Lorraine - posted on 04/20/2011

I know it will take time and only you can take that first step when you are ready. My advice is when you are ready to forgive her, let her know. I have a sister that will ask me if I want something and then later ask me for the money for it. I just got to the point that if she asks me if I want anything I say no. You know it is okay to tell people how you feel in a loving way. Maybe she doesn't know any better as to the way she treats you. I never understood why my mom couldn't accept me. There was 5 of us, but I was different and maybe she was jealous. I do know that she was abused by my grandfather and my dad. I probably showed her something she felt she didn't deserve. I use to wonder if she passed if I would love her or hate her, but I couldn't hate my mother. She did alot for me even if she never could accept what I had to offer. I was actually 19 when I wrote a poem to her to let her know how I felt. I was 23 when I would tell her that I loved her and had to say it several times until she said it back. It took a little time, but we did get around to giving hugs and telling each other that we loved them. I learned that we all go through a vicious cycle in life. Most of us want to follow the way we were taught and some of us don't want to be that way so somewhere down this road you have to choose if you want to carry on with this cycle or break it. I am no one special, God just showed me a better way. Also I learned that hard times make us stronger people and you can always find good in a bad situation, sometimes you have to look real hard!! In Timothy's case 3 days is not alot of time, but the positive to that is I carried him full term, got to hold him, and name him. I also realized that our children are a miracle and a gift from God. He gave me a son, but he never said how long I would have him, so I realized that the son I had who was 8 at the time was a blessing. I couldn't see this until Timothy passed away. Timothy will always be in my heart and I will always love him. I hope that you have the opportunity to have more children and that you cherish every moment. I said that I didn't want any more children after Timothy, but Matthew came along and we had alot of scares. I found out when I left his dad that he is ADHD and has Asperger's, but I would not trade him for anything!!! Keep in touch. Lorraine

Jole - posted on 04/20/2011

I too have had some issues with insensitive "father's side". Thankfully they're no longer in the picture, and I haven't had to deal with such pain. Some things aren't forgotten, but as for forgiving...maybe not that either. But acknowledging it all the time doesn't help either. I say try to not think of the pain. It's not fair to your lost one to have such bad thoughts attached to him.

I know if anything happened to my daughter that side would suddenly pop back up just to start Hell, but it can't be contributed to the actual person. Just know how they weren't there for you, nothing but a waste of your time sorrow and thought, and think of your children alive and remember the one gone and keep your head high, cause just simply taking care of your family's hard enough, let alone tending to others grown that need to grow up.

Hoping for the best and sorry for your loss. *hugs*

Belinda - posted on 04/20/2011

Its so hard to when things have been so awfull though ae at least we have our other child to keep our chins up. Yea ok, came to a sudden realisation yesterday that Im not really coping just keeping my mind busy. I guess we all do to some degree though.

Shu - posted on 04/20/2011

Hi Belinda

I'm okay, thanks for asking. Up and down, sometimes because of my son and other days its about something else. Sometimes I really just want to feel sunny about life
:-(

How have you been?

Belinda - posted on 04/20/2011

Wow Lorraine you are an incredibly forgiving person, your family was so awfull to you. I feel so pathetic that I cant get past what my mother did to forgive her when you could. Did it take long for you to reach the point of forgiveness?

Shu, hows everything going with you?

Shu - posted on 04/20/2011

Oh, its all so sad reading what everyone is writing and it does help so much finding so many people who know where I am coming from. I feel sad for everyone who had to deal with selfish, insensitive and plain old awful people in their lives. I really don't understand how people who are suppose to care and love you can behave so terribly. Lorraine, it is amazing that you can be so forgiving and I wish i can be. I hope your parents knew in the end how lucky they were to have a daughter who could look past their behaviour and love them still.



I cannot forgive my family and in-laws for what they did, and it does affect how I see them. But it mainly means I have less tolerance for their hysterics. It does not occupy my mind much, but with my mil unfortunately she only needs to be mentioned and i find myself feeling annoyed. Talking to her most of the time gives me nothing but headaches, it doesn't help that she comes out with stupid or rude stuff. I like to cook and cook most things from scratch (I know everyone has different tastes), my mil everytime she comes would say 'oh thats very nice, but I don't like peas' or 'oh, I'm not saying it not nice, but I don't like fish'. It goes on like this, without fail she would give a compliment then end it with a negative. At this point I should mention she doesn't know how to cook. Since my fil died she told us that if we do decide to visit we would have to provide all our own food. Since we live hundreds of miles away it would mean we would have to buy every ingredients I need new and try to cook in an unfamilar kitchen that is ill-equiped. Then in the same breathe she tell us we got to provide her breakfast, lunch and dinner when she comes, and my husband would need to pick her up from the train station. All we expected was for her to provide our dinner only. My husband told her we won't be coming to visit for a long time since he's the only working we can't afford such an expense (we don't go on holidays as we can't afford it, so it wasn't a tit for tat thing) and if she wants to visit he will pick her up from the city station, but next time she get the train to our local one. Also we will provide dinner and since I make bread she would only need whatever she likes in her sandwiches. He then reminded her that she has more money than us, that it was inappropiate for her to expect us to pay for everthing when we are just barely managing. It is far more to do with what kind of person my mil is that makes it hard for me to forgive her. The reason I started this is because I feel bad that my husband is stuck in the middle and I was hoping that by talking to others I could find a way not to feel so negative towards her. I know my parents are no better than her in other ways. They were physically and emotionally abusive, so i do think I should try to feel less negative towards my mil whatever her faults. But in terms of forgiving her and the rest of the family for their behaviour 7 or so years ago, I doubt it is possible. But to try and get pass it to have a decent relationship, I like to try. So reading and talking ot everyone has helped and is helping. I hope people will continue to write because it really helps. Thank you

Lorraine - posted on 04/19/2011

I was pregnant with my 2nd child in 94 and I was due in June. I painted my mom's porch, my husband at the time painted the rest of the house until he ran out of paint. We did this on a Saturay and when I went to get the money which was going to be about $250 my mom acted as if she had no idea what I was talking about. I went into labor on Wedneday and had our son Timothy on Thursday. I had HELLP Syndrome and Bradyacardia. They didn't think I was going to make it. My pulse was only 40. I called my mom and let her know about her grandson and told her about myself as well. The only person who saw Timothy alive in my family was my sister. He was transferred to another hospital on Saturday. I recieved the call at midnight that he wasn't going to make it. He had a genetic disorder called OTC. I called my mom to let her know we were going to take him off of life support and my sister, brother, cousin and uncle showed up. We had the viewing on a Wednesday and I asked my mom to help with my electric bill. I told her they were going to cut it off and she suggested I bring all the food over to her house so it wouldn't go bad. We had the funeral on Thursday and my mom and dad didn't show. I had to apply for a GR Burial because we had no insurance. I forgave with God's help because I don't want that to hold my life back. If you forgive her and tell her you forgive her you can move on. I did that because we all have to live with the decisions we make and I believe we will answer to God one day also. I lived with her before I had our 3rd son Matthew in August of 97 and my sister was there when he was born, no one else showed. I just knew my family would be there. Not at all and to make matters worse I found out that she actully recieved a $15,000 settlement in January of 95. My first born was in an accident with her an my adopted grandfather. I made my peace with my parents and both of them passed in 2001. My mom passed Jan. 17th and my dad on mother's day. I didn't have a close relationship with my mom, but it is not because I didn't try. If you don't find a way to do this you will become bitter and it will grow inside and eat at you. I chose to be the better person and move on with my life. I hope this helps. We all grieve in different ways and times. Hopefully in time things will come around. If you want to email you can. Sincerely, Lorraine

Selena - posted on 04/13/2011

Hello, I lost my son Luke at 3 months old to SIDS almost 4 years ago now. It was incredible how truly disappointing people where. My mom told me days after my son died she was so mad at me she could spit, my father in law pasted out business cards at my sons funeral, and I had multiple people tell me atleast you have another son. The reality is that most people are selfish and the ones who are not, simply do not know what to say, so they say something totally unappropriate. It has definately subsided over the years, but you still get the people who are sincerally trying to relate, but losing your father, mother, sister etc... Can never relate to losing a child. As far as forgiveness. Do it for yourself not nessasarily for the other people. Harbored hate is toxic and needs to be released. I I need help. I'm currently dealing with a husband that has such a great fear of losing our next baby he doesn't want to try and I desprately want a new baby. Who wins?

Jennifer - posted on 04/13/2011

I have to say I am a little surprised at the amount of emotion in the resonses to this topic. Obviously it has really hit a nerve with those of us who have had to deal with the loss of a child. I see a lot of related conversations also dealing with people struggling with different kinds of loss and feeling unsupported, criticized, or ignored. Obviously we have a long way to go in our culture in learning how to be there for people who are struggling. I know we are a generous and caring nation but it seems we need to work on developing a more mature attitude about dealing with the death of a loved one. Even my church representative who I spoke with was totally at a loss for words when I told the church. He just "I don't know how to respond, what do say to that?" He was clearly shaken even by the thought of what we were going to face - going to the hospital to deliver a child we knew was no longer living - but really I expected some kind of comfort or prayers from the pastor, not just stunned silence. I can tell you that this experience has made me a more compassionate person.

Shu - posted on 04/13/2011

I guess it must be true that people don't understand unless they been through it. I would agree with you, Jennifer, about older people preferring to move on from losing someone and perhaps feel less angry towards my MIL, but she behaved like the was the only one to have ever suffered a loss when my FIL died. I don't think its about age, but the individual person. Everything else is just an excuse. All she worried about was herself, money, money..

The first christmas after our son died my SIL told us that it wrong for us to want to go to Joshua's grave on christmas day, as it should be spent with family. We used to go to my in-laws (my husband's sisters never spends christmas with their parents) for christmas every year, so my sister-in-law told us it was wrong to leave them alone. At this point I should point out she and her sister live about 20 minutes away by car and we live 300 or so miles from my in-laws. I was so angry with her, and then a few months later she called my husband crying her eyes out over her dog. We have a dog and can understand that it would be painful to lose your pet, but after her lack of sensitive over our son, what did she expect him to say?

Emer, I can't believe the how cold your father-in-law is and what or who gave him the right to tell you to forget your daughter. Why shouldn't you have a photograph of her, its your right as her mother to choose how you remember her. How is it harming him. I have photographs of Joshua everywhere, I don't care what people think because its my home, wallet etc. Its not like I'm plastering it over their stuff. My mother did once say how it doesn't seem right, especially for my other son. I told her that he is proud of his brother and it does not bother him. She never mentioned it again.

Jennifer, it is so nice that you have such wonderful friends and it is brave of you to be understanding of those people who fail to understand...I find it can still sometimes be too hard to deal with them. Although I have not cut my family or friends out of my life, I do find myself not wanting to see them sometimes.

Awhina, what you went through sounds terrible. I can't imagine the trauma of it all and for people to not even have enough sensitivity to acknowledge your physical pain even if they can't understand the emotional pain of losing your daughter. Thank you for saying I am a good mother.

Awhina - posted on 04/12/2011

hiya shu
gosh youve had to indure too much that you just dont need
this is what i went through let me explain
at 33 weeks i was rushed into hospital with toxemia
i had 4 scans done on me before the docs said your baby is dead
they induced me that night
i nearly died on the second day of labour
on the 3rd day of pure hell labour vomitting crying my beautiful angel was born
i picked her lifeless silent blue body and held her up to my face and nutured her as a mother would
we were treated really bad at the hospital her body was placed in a black hand bag so as not to upset the public and i was yelled at I KNOW SHET AYE
anyway those people got fired for that hahahahaha
after i was discharged from the hospital i took her home we named her serenity
the worst part was going to the funeral palour to choose the right size coffin for her body
i had her at home where family and friends could see her spend time with her and just be there
i had alot of people attend her funeral
the same people that came a few of them said and did things that pissed me off big time after i let them come to the service
my point did they not see what i went through
did they not see my dead baby in a coffin
did they not see me give away all of my baby gears
i dont give a shet
i dont miss them at all
i love my daughter no matter what
mind you a few of them changed when they realised
i think only when it happens to them will they truley understand
poeple treat you the way do because you let them
im caring loving and kind will anythign for anyone
but i will not let anyone tell me to forget my love for my daughter and i know you love your son deeply
your a good mum
you will know the right chouice to make when youve had enough of these people

Jennifer - posted on 04/12/2011

You know in the past that is what was culturally acceptable. To tell people to forget about it and basically act like a loss never happened, so I can't blame older people for acting that way at first. What I feel is hard to get over is when you tell someone that you are choosing not forget, but to try to come to terms with what happened by experiencing your grief and honoring your child and they act like you are nuts or making the situation worse by doing that. They aren't listening to you, just trying to make it easier for them by saying just act like nothing happened. I have pictures of my son on my phone, too. I don't keep them on screensaver because people would be freaked out and I don't want anyone asking my about it (he was not full term and it would be obvious that this was not a look at my beautiful baby picture). I have been compassionate towards the people that couldn't face what we went through but fortunately I have had awesome support from some of my friends, who were able to let me talk as much or as little as I wanted about it and given me the recognition of my pain that I really really needed and that I was not getting from everyone. Most people so awkward about it they don't know what to do. I will do my best to help anyone who finds themselves in a situation like this and I hope talking about it will help other people know how to be supportive of a friend or family member who goes through this.

Emer - posted on 04/12/2011

i totally understand were your coming from iv encountered some very insensitive a**eholes since my daughter died 4 years ago, one thing that really gets me is my father in law didnt include my daughter in the family tree even though she was a fullterm baby & i had a pic as my phone screen saver before my other babies were born & when my son was born he told me 2 get that pic off my phone & 4 get bout it!!! IT as it called her was my precious daughter....

Shu - posted on 04/12/2011

Hi Jennifer and Awhina. Jennifer, I do believe you are right, I expected more from my MIL because she always claimed to care and perhaps because my parents were terrible parents when I was younger and no better even after my son died (though they helped with the funeral cost when I told my brother to tell them that its the least they can do for their grandson and me as they done the bare minimum for me all my life. Especially along with their refusal to attend, along with all my extended family). So I kind of thought my MIL would be a more caring person. That was my mistake for expecting that from her. Though if you were to accuse my MIL of selfishness and lack of sensitivity, she would deny it and insist I am the only one who thinks that (not the case). She is very self-preserving. I couldn't remove those people from my life because they are family and people made me feel guilty by saying I was being too sensitive and difficult. Plus the whole time it was all so unreal because a few reacted as their grief was equal to ours, in fact my sister's colleagues came to see her a few weeks after our son died, to the house we shared with her part-time at the time. The whole time they were there my husband and I were ignored, whilst they asked my sister kindly how she was doing. It felt like it was her son who died the way they were behaving. Me and my husband sat there quietly (because we used to work with them too and thought it would be impolite to hide away) and thinking how much it sucked.



Awhina, did you really cut those people out of your life? I wish I could do that sometimes, but stupidly can't. They hold too much of my heart-strings. What did they do? (if you don't mind me asking)



Thank you Jennifer.

Awhina - posted on 04/12/2011

forgive her and surrender her to god she is not yours to worry about your son comes first even though he has died. my daughter died in 2006 and all of those who didnt get it and caused me grief i forgave them and got rid of them my life became easier and my grief better in a healthy way if people around you cant support you in a positive way their just rubbish that you dont need and these people have been in my life since i was little my love for my daughter comes first before any of them they cant deal with that then tough titi for them :)

Jennifer - posted on 04/11/2011

It's very hard when your feelings are so raw and you are wrecked to have other people being rude, insensitve and just plan mean to you. You know you can't change the past or other people, all you can do is choose for yourself how you are going to react. I went through some similiar things after we lost our baby. I worked really hard on myself and choosing how I was going to react in order to let go of things that were so hurtful but you have a much longer lists of insults than I had. I am stunned that anyone would choose to desert you in your time of grief because of "bad karma" (what the ## does even mean?). I think you may be having the hardest time with your mother in law because you were, probably subconscioulsy, thinking she would be a person you could really count on. Her behavior basically is that of an extremely unbalanced person, someone who because of their own issues cannot come to terms with what happened. One thing I learned in couseling with my husband was that people all react differently to emotional pain. Some people don't know how to cope so they bury their grief in anger, resentment, and selfish thoughts. I know you are hurting, but I can't imagine how isolated your MIL is in life. When I have a person in my life like that, I try to think about what it would be like to be in their world and then I start to feel sorry for them. It helps to remove the emotional control over me that they had and then forgiveness just seems to come on its own. Good luck to you and I wish you peace.

Shu - posted on 04/10/2011

Thanks Jessica. Its hard because my husband finds it difficult with me having issues with his mother, but he knows how I feel. People said I should move on from it, but its not easy because people let you down when you really needed them, how can you trust them ever again?

Belinda, its nice your father is trying to do the right thing, not that it makes up for your mother's behaviour. People cried when I confronted them over their behaviour, and you know it made me feel so guilty I ended up comforting them. Maybe your mum is trying to do some form of that. She was/is not a very good mother, grandmother or MIL, so you're not making it into something its not. You don't have to speak to her or make her feel better. I never stopped speaking to my MIL, but I screamed at her plenty of times. My husband finds it hard because she's still his mother, but we were taking yesterday and he told me how let down he felt by his parents shortly after Joshua died. We were doing very badly at the time, I was not sleeping or eating having lots of nightmares and my husband was struggling with his own pain...so we pleaded with his parents to stay with us longer as we didn't want to be alone, but they refused because my MIL felt helping in the Citizen Advice Bureau was more important. Then when we called them a week later and pleaded with them to come down to us my MIL told us that she would lose her 'standby fee' from the school where she worked supervising during the lunch break (she hadn't bothered to tell them that her grandson had died), my husband said she put money and other people before her own son. And she claimed to have loved her grandson.

Brittany, its terrible what your sister's husband did. Its beyond disgusting. Gosh, was your boss completely brainless and born without a heart, I would have wanted to have punch her too! What a (naughty word).

Belinda - posted on 04/10/2011

I hope you didnt work more, Britt that sucks a big one. I mean come on how hard is it to just think before you speak, some people just need a reality check ae

Brittany - posted on 04/09/2011

wow insesitive much? After my sister lost her son her husband at the time handed her divorce papers. After my first miscarriage my boss had the nerve to say it was better this way since I then could work more. I about punched her.

Belinda - posted on 04/07/2011

Were doing ok, you know how it is. My dad comes to visit every now and then. The last visit he bought my daughter gifts from my mum. I cant help but feel like shes trying to buy her way back. She spent more on he in the last week for no reason than she did for her first birthday. Im probably just making a big thing out of nothing but it just doesnt feel right. Have you spoken to your MIL yet? Hows that going?

Jessica - posted on 04/07/2011

I am so sorry for your loss, wish i could give you a hug. Anger is normal in grief, and you have a right to be angry. In time, when you are ready you will forgive, dont try to push yourself it will just add unnessecary pain. Just know that you are normal and her behaviour is disgusting, let it be her problem not yours.

Shu - posted on 04/07/2011

Hi Belinda, it was very hard but I don't think it was any harder than you losing your son before you had the chance to build memories. I think its hard in different ways, but equally hard. Most days now I am okay and don't think about him in the sense he's not here, but then it would suddenly hit me that I lost a son and I miss him desperately. Guess its always going to happen. How are you all doing? Has your family come to their senses?

Belinda - posted on 04/06/2011

That is so sad, Im sorry Shu. 10 precious weeks, its so hard to know what the future holds for us we just have to trust that things will work out for us and when they dont that we have the strength to deal with it. Im so saddend reading your last post. I thought it was hard loosing a son at 21 weeks, having felt him moving and already bonded. It must me so much harder for you.

Shu - posted on 04/04/2011

It is nice to have someone who understands and I wished I had someone to talk to when my son died. Curtis, thats a nice name. I can't imagine how awful it must have been losing your child and never having a chance to know him, even a little bit. I am so sorry. Joshua was 10 weeks old, he died due to complications caused by a diagnostic procedure performed on him. He had very complex congential heart conditions, but was doing great until the procedure.

Belinda - posted on 04/01/2011

Thanks Shu, you are a kind person. My sons name is Curtis, he was still born. How old was your son?

Shu - posted on 03/29/2011

Honestly I didn't know who I should have been angry with for Joshua being left out, so I decided to be angry with the minister. What he did was completely insensitive and disgusting considering my husband and I were sitting there, Joseph asked me after why Joshua wasn't mentioned, I didn't know how to answer that. Belinda, its a taboo subject mainly to my family because chinese people think the death of a child is unnatural, hence they think there's very bad karma attached to the family of that child. So people avoided us like plague for 6 weeks (thats how long they think the bad karma lasts), no contact at all. Six weeks later when my sister suggested taking me to see our aunt, that aunt asked my sister if I was sure 6 weeks had passed (my sister called to check it was okay to visit first). Generally they prefer it all brushed under the carpet because it makes them feel bad unnecessary (they think), so the memories of that person should just be left unspoken. Joshua doesn't really exist to them anymore because he's not here, so he doesn't count. They don't tell me that, but you can actually see the change in them as soon as he's mentioned. I guess it isn't really just chinese people, reading all the things written here a lot of people have experienced this one way or another. My mother-in-law is not a bad person, but I do think she's selfish and self-centered. What was your son's name, belinda, if you don't mind me asking.. Those people avoiding you are not worth your time, people who love you would be there for you no matter how difficult the situation is. There is no right words of comfort, but listening and being there makes a huge difference. I am glad you have your husband and daughter. It is lonely, I found it difficult to relate to anyone who hasn't been through this, so if it would help I would read (listen) anything you want to say. I know its not the same as someone being physically nearby.. I'm on facebook, you can message me privately if you feel comfortable or think it might help you.

Alana, I am so sorry. It is terrible to think that someone can be so cold and decide how long you should mourn your children. It is a loss that cannot be forgotten or gotten over with. What is wrong with people...

Alana - posted on 03/27/2011

i no the feeling just a week after my boys died my fatherin law came up to me and said dont have anymore kids and bout four mths later my mother in law came up to me an said get over it already its been six weeks because in meradonia they morn for six weeks an move on its a horrible feeling

Belinda - posted on 03/26/2011

I cant beleive they left him out! I would be gutted about that as well. He was still a person, a loved member of your family. Your mother in law sounds really selfish. Why is that the death of a child or baby is a taboo subject? I really dont understand. Im finding in fact that people avoid me now, it gets so lonely. Yes I am lucky like you in that I have an amazing husband and daughter and for that I am so gratefull.

Shu - posted on 03/25/2011

Thank you for your messages, it makes me feel better than I'm not a bad person for feeling this way. I've avoided writing on forums like this in the past because I didn't know how to express myself and talking about joshua is still pretty much a taboo subject. Everyone looks embarrassed or akward whenever I talk about him even if its something nice. I had people say to me that he doesn't count as one of my children because he's not here. That hurts and I am not allowed to react because that means I'm just being sensitive. My father-in-law died nearly a year ago and my mother-in-law just went to pieces, but i refused to treat her with kid gloves. I never thought she appreciated my father-in-law, he did nearly all the housework and the gardening and he was 16 years older than her, late 70s. All the things she tried to take credit for, I told her that I cannnot imagine her pain but her expecting people to do everything for her,talking badly about her husband and treating her family badly because you think you are allowed is not acceptable. You accused me of all these things when I did none of it after my son died, but maybe now you can understand what you did to me was awful. You had forty something years with your husband I had 10 weeks, treasure those memories and stop hurting everyone. I know I was being harsh,but she was hurting her sister-in-law (her husband's sister) in her 80s and in ill health, who loved her brother dearly, causing her daughters to have panic attacks because she was calling them 24/7 for everything.

People might think it wasn't the time or place, but during my father-in-law's funeral the minister decided to name all his grandchildren, except he didn't. Joshua was left out, my mother-in-law had decided to let him decide whether he included joshua or not. It hurt me and my husband so much, we were grieving for my father-in-law already and to have our son disregarded like that was just... My husband told me when Joshua died, he saw his father sobbing whilst holding Joshua. It was the only time he ever seen his father cry, I don't think he would have wanted Joshua unaccounted for.

Belinda I am so sorry for what your mother has done to you, your husband and still is doing now. People within the family seem to think their grief is far more important than yours, that is something I can never understand. My husband was the person who helped me the most, so I hope you and your husband find comfort in having each other....and the joy your daughter brings. I had Joseph nearly a year after Joshua died and he brought me so much comfort and joy, my saving grace, but I know there will always been a piece missing. But I am proud to have been joshua's mother, I am his mother and that is special.

Megan - posted on 03/23/2011

I had something similar happen to me with my fiance's mother. We lived with her when I was pregnant then, due to multiple issues, moved out and in with my mom. Shortly after, I miscarried. When we told her, she denied our baby existed at all, and that I had pretended to be pregnant to get Kyle away from his family. Neither of us speak to her anymore. I also had trouble with my father. I was 16 when I told him I was pregnant, and he told me to have an abortion, and wouldn't talk to me because I said no. Then, when I had a miscarriage, he didn't apologize, and still hasn't. I also got sick about a week after having the miscarriage, and he never called to see if I was okay. Needless to say, we still don't talk after 3 months. And I doubt that will change because of how hurt I am about what his said, and his actions following my miscarriage.

Gillian - posted on 03/22/2011

My In-Laws also didn't understand, My daughter was an 11 week cot death nearly 31 years ago, our relationship hadn't been good up to that point and it only got worse, it was over 15 years afterwards that we had any communication and we have never discussed the past, never mentioned Alison. We only communicate by email, Time doesn't make the hurt go away but it does give you distance. You are allowed to be insensitive

Grace - posted on 03/18/2011

Belinda you are so right. As the Mom we do have the closest bond and we should be allowed to grieve in our way. I will never EVER understand why losing a baby/child whatever the circumstances, is so taboo. I know it's a tough thing to talk about, hell, it's not as if it's easy for us to talk about either. I wish people would just let us speak. We're not looking for answers or for someone to "fix" things. We just need to process it and if talking helps, i wish they would leave the crap out of it

Belinda - posted on 03/18/2011

Im in a similar boat only its my mother. I havnt spoken to her since my sons funeral just over 3 months ago. Its probably been coming for a while though. For years she has treated me like crap and i have just ignored it because blood is thicker than water and all that. This time though as far as im concerned she crossed the line. Though she wasnt the only one. It started while i was still in hospital she started stiring things with my mother in law saying things and then denying them when called up on them. My son died on a wednesday and whilst i did miss a phone call from them on friday I didnt actually hear from mum or dad until the saturday his death notice was in the paper wanting to have a go because there was nothing put in for them. Then on the Monday she came around acusing me of keeping my sons funeral a secret from her and when i said i wasnt and that it would probably be on wednesday we just didnt know what time because it all still had to be confirmed she said she had rung the funeral director ( yes behind my back) and they told her it was at 11am on the wednesday. All news to me we were trying to organise it for 1:30. So upset that she had bought my grandmother and sister around to gang up on me over this whilst my dead son lay in his casket in our lounge and my 11 month old daughter sat in her highchair I threw her out in tears. She came to the funeral and i was civil to her but told my father i needed them to keep their space so i could deal with my own problems before i could cope with their crap too. Then she took it upon herself to go into my dr's on xmas eve and announce to the receptionist in front of a waiting room full of people that i was loosing the plot and needed help. She hadnt spoken to me for two weeks at that point, what would she have known! She never even said sorry to my husband for his loss in fact she pretty much ignored him through the whole thing. I think people think i should forgive her and just get over it but im not sure I can. I feel bad for my daughter missing out on her grandmother and vice versa but i dont want her around me and i dont want her treating my daughter the same way.

Are we really being unreasonable? Are we not alowed to grieve in our own way? After all we are the childs mother we had the closest bond. I understand everyone grieves differently and maybe our mothers/in law were possibly acting that way in grief themselves, but stuff them I say. Shu if your not ready to forgive her then dont, put yourself first nobody else is going to. Family or not, when your going through something like that you do not deserve to be treated like that!!!

Janice - posted on 03/15/2011

It Is not going to be easy at all. You will have to forgive her so that you can be forgiven and get the weight of her control off of you. sometimes you need to be apart awhile. Unfortunately for me It took for me to lose my Husband before my mother in law came around. She Is trying to be in control.