I wanted a baby but got an angel instead

Danielle - posted on 04/24/2010 ( 12 moms have responded )

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My little boy Fletcher was born 13 weeks early on the 9th oct 2009. Fletcher was here for 4 days and those 4 days i sat hoping and praying that he would fight and be ok, unfortunately it came to the time i dreaded and i got given the biggest decision to make in my whole life that was it was time to say goodbye to fletcher and let him become an angel. I sat and cuddled my son for 3 hours and 15mins whilst he made the journey to becoming an angel, it was heartbreaking i felt like part of me went with him. I then bathed and dressed fletcher and took loads of pictures, feet and hand prints and some of his hair for my memories. i wrapped him up all snuggley and laid him in his moses basket.



Leaving the hospital without my son was heart wrenching and still to do this day i dont no how i managed to survive it, but i did. My little angel will always be around me, and without a doubt love me as much as i love him. I remember sitting and telling fletcher that every mummy loves there children, but no mummy loves theres children as much as i love him and that all i would ever do throughout his life is love him and be there for him.



6 months has now passed and does it get easier???? No is the answer, but my life i have to keep going on with, as fletcher was part of me and i no what i would want if i went first and that would be for my kids to not sit around feeling upset, but to sit and have a laugh and a joke and remember me as there bonkers mum who loved to laugh and loved them. Nothing in my life will ever replace fletcher but instead of bringing fletcher home with me i gained an angel and no one can hurt my angel or take him away from me. There is no right or wrong way to deal with loss everybody is different xxxxxxxxx

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12 Comments

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Leanna - posted on 08/03/2010

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Like you, I also have an angel son. It's been 15 1/2 months since he became one and some days I still don't want to get out of bed. I admit, I'm doing better than I thought I'd be but those first 8 months (going through the holidays) was sooo hard to walk through. Thanks to my older children, I was able to keep moving when I felt I couldn't anymore. I believe it will get easier to deal with the heartache in time, but the loss has already affected my life in ways i cannot change. To me, heartache is a physical reaction and physical reactions dissipate over time. At least I'm hoping this one does.

Tamara - posted on 08/01/2010

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My son was born March 7th 2010 and passed away two hours after his birth. I know there was a few things wrong with him but not the main thing that couldn't be fixed. He had a heart defect, fluids on the back of his brain, clubbed feet, cleft lip/palate. But when my little angel was born at 12:47 am That's when the doctor's found more complications. His throat wasn't developed and there wasn't a way to put a trac in. Me and my husbund recently went to Indianapolis where he was born and talked to the genetic doctor's and they are calling it Oral Facial-Digit Syndrome, which there saying they have never seen before. They gave us a 75 percent it not happening again and a 25 percent it will. I go visit my little angel everyday and I wont ever miss a day. He is so special, I tried for one year to have a baby and when me and my husbund found out I was finally pregnant in Auguest of 2009..we was so happy. Rip Kyler Kevin Gray..you will always have a special place in mommy and daddy's heart and will never be forgotten.

Emma - posted on 07/31/2010

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I am sorry for your loss.
I lost my son on 24-10-2009.He was 34 hours old.
He was 10 days over due & I got induced I had a quick birth.
But 4 hours later they noticed something was wrong with him.
It turnt out his heart hadnt formed right when he was in the womb & there was no suregery they could give to make him better.He is now an angel with so many others I have known.
I am now 13 weeks pregnant & am so worried for this baby although the docs have told me it was a one off that happened.
I just want it to be okay.I get so upset when I know my friends are just about to give birth because all I can do is worry.Even tho I have no reason to becos they are having healthy babies.

Sheri - posted on 05/10/2010

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i wish you the best as well, 9yrs i have been in counseling it doesn't help much at all i also have bi-poler,manic depression,anxioty. & i thank god everyday for my other 5 children he has blessed me with! i have also had 2 miscarrages. if you go to fb on my profile i have pic of all the kid's even my first born angel

Crystal - posted on 05/07/2010

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Im so so sorry for your loss:( about 3 1/2 years ago i was 16 and 16 weeks pregnant with my firtst child. i went into labour and had the baby. It sat up against me for an hour. To this day it is still hard. 6 months after I found out i was pregnant again and lost that baby at 8 1/2 weeks. Now, i had my son FINALLY had my son who will be a year old this month. Everyday i think about my two little angels. Everyday i wonder what could i have done different. Luckily they found out that i have a blood clotting disorder and that is why the other two were terminated. But ur rite it doesnt get any easier. My best advice to u is to try and get some help for it and closure. I to this day have not and i am now seeking help to be able to be ok with it all... there is hope! my son is my everything and wat is funny is that he was due a month later than the 1st baby i was pregnant with. i think got gave me my angel back. One day someone told me that when u lose a baby its because God is putting them on the shelf til he feels you are truely ready and then he will give them bak. again i am sorry for ur loss and i wish u the best.

Sheri - posted on 05/06/2010

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that was just beautiful i'm sorry for your loss & no it does not get any easyer i has my daughter 17 week's early she lived for 6hrs & 21min har name is angel her bithday is april,25 my other children & i spent her birthday at the cemitary like we do every year . 9yrs has gone by someday's r great some are heard to get through thank's for your story your in my thought's & prayer's sheri lynn armstrong

Jayne - posted on 05/06/2010

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I'm so sorry to hear of little Fletcher's passing. Our first born, Little Jet passed in my arms 24hours after birth... he was full term and died as a result of complications in labour. That was in Jan 09. The only thing that kept me sane was thinking what he would want ( I know that must sound silly) but things like, he would want me too look after myself, not be destructive, not take up smoking again ect. Even now I think of what he would want. We had some cake for him on his birthday and have decided to celebrate every year, we don't focus on the day he died. It's funny cause people thought that it would be a big thing this year the 1st annaversarry of his death, I just say it's just another day... The pain is there EVERYDAY and I can honestly say it will probably be there forever. I have learnt to live with it but he is never far from my thoughts, my hubby and I talk about him all the time and he is always included in our family. We have just had another son in March and it was really hard at first to look at him when he was sleeping cause all I could see was Jet, cause that is how he looked when he died... like he was sleeping, I know that is morbid but I've found being very honest about my feelings has really helped me. Now that our new bub has gotten a little older it doesn't phase me... I am still very paranoid though of something happening to him. The one nice thing to take away from our angels passing is that they will always be perfect and will never hurt us... and they will be there for us waiting when we cross over.

Amy - posted on 05/06/2010

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You are such a strong person, my son was stillborn at 25 weeks and although i got pictures and we got to hold him, i could not imagine making it full term and getting to see him and then him being taking away. I know God has his reasons and we are so blessed to have our angels to watch over us. Thank you for sharing your strength and encouraging words with us. And you are so right theres no right or wrong way to deal, we all just have to find our own way. ♥

Danielle - posted on 04/30/2010

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Samantha thanks for your comment, i cant begin to imagine how you feel as i only got 4 days with fletcher and that was hard so to spend 25 days which am sure felt like a lifetime as my for 4 days felt like id been at the hosp for a few months. I cant believe you never got the opportunity to hold your little angel i sat with mine for hours on end, and those memories are what keep me going. Your very true in what you say our angels are waiting for us, i believe there around us constantly xxx

Samantha - posted on 04/29/2010

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Danielle as you said there is no right or wrong way to deal with loss. My little Angel passed away on 25/01/2010. He was 25 days old and had an open heart surgery. Every evening it still feel as if we will go to the hospital to visit his tiny little body. On the 10/01/2010 he had an 8 hour open heart surgery. It went well they did what they had to do. But on the 25th they had to take of the ECMO machine and he passed away because of low cardiac output. The only thing that is eating me up inside is the fact that I did not even have a chance to hold my baby. When I see my family members with their babies in their arms my heart breaks all over again. If only I had a chance to hold him or feel his little hand. He was a very special little Angel and he will always be with us. My heart goes out to you because I know how it feels to give back the precious little gift that God have lend us even if it were just for a few hours or for 25 days. These Angels of us are waiting at God’s feet for us.

Danielle - posted on 04/26/2010

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Hi Latrice, thanks for your comment im also very sorry for your loss. We as women and as parents never expect our children to go before we do, but sumtimes another angel is needed. I do often sit and ask why my child could i have done anything different, but that i no the answer to myself. I did everything the way i thought right, Our angels i believe are in alot better place, where no hurt or pain they will ever feel.
Your little angel amyah hasnt been an angel long, so of course at the moment your not going to feel like things are going to get better no matter what anyone says. I no myself it took a while, although to joe public and everyone else i seemed fine i felt like inside i was dying.
Our angels are always with us, somedays are harder than others for me but i sit and remember my beautiful little boy and the love i felt for him the day i had him and continue to feel now. Everyone deals and copes different with loss, so nothing your doing is wrong. I promise you it gets easier. xxxxxxx

Latrice - posted on 04/25/2010

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First off I'm sorry for your loss, as you I as gained angel. I lost my beautiful Amyah when I was 8 months pregnant on March 31 2010, she had already passed before I gave birth to her. I often wonder if it will get easier as the days go by, I've been told it would. I may have a day or two when I'm feeling ok but after that the heart ache returns. I just keep trying to remind myself that she's in Heaven with no suffering or pain and that keeps me going