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I wish I could help all the new grieving moms so they wouldn't be so afraid to start trying again....

Peggi - posted on 02/10/2009 ( 3 moms have responded )

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Hi.....I see so many posts on here about how afraid everyone is to try again for another baby. I don't want to say I am a seasoned mom but it has been 23 years since my fourth son died from SIDS at 3 months. I wish I could make everyone understand how worth it is to have another baby. You are not replacing a child, no one can. What your replacing is the love you have felt once, the love of a child. You will always be afraid of something going wrong again....if it happened once it can happen again, right?? If it happened twice it can happen again, right?



I never wanted to regret not trying again. When your 80 & in your rocking chair you can't go back & change things. I had my tubes tied when Nathan was born & promptly went back after he died & said "fix it". I had to see two physciatrists & get them agree that I was able to handle another tragedy if it occured. The docs kept saying you agreed that if something happened you wouldn't want another child when you signed that paper. Yes, I still had 3 boys at home, one was terminally ill. I tried to get them to understand that I didn't know I would feel this way, I had never lost a child before. Thanks to one of the physciatrists stating ...."who are you to tell this woman what she can handle. If she wants to try again, let her". You see.....Nathan was the baby who came at such a good time for our family. We were ready, the other boys adored him & after having a son who was terminall ill I could again wonder what a child would be like when he grew up. I wondered if he would remeber his brother who loved to hold him. My husband even took him along to play darts.



I got my surgey. My family thought I was out of my mind.....



After having to use fertility drugs since my cycle went out the window & 2 miscarriages that again devistated me, 3 years after Nathan died I had a healthy baby girl that is now 20. Her first year was tough, but even to this day I find myself looking for the unthinkable to happen again..... with all my children. The fear never goes away but you learn how to deal with it. I admit it, I am afraid! I will always be afraid because now I have 5 grandchildren, 1 more due next month. I wouldn't have the cutest 2 year old redheaded grandson & a baby grandaughter on the way if I had given up. They are so worth it too.



I realized I had replaced that wonderful feeling of a baby nursing, smelling a baby, loving a baby. I did not replace Nathan. I am so thankful that I kept trying....that I didn't give up. I wish I could help you all understand that it is so worth it. You will always love the one you've lost....that never goes away. We can never replace them or forget them, just add more children for us to love.



I hope I haven't over stepped my bounds, but I so wish everyone would be able to put themselves out there again. If you worry about everything...so be it. Find someone to talk to. I'm betting the husbands have the same fears, they lost a child too. The chance to love another child is a gift only you can accomplish. I apologize if I have hurt anyones feelings or hurt them in any way, that is not my intention at all.

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Libby - posted on 02/11/2009

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Quoting Peggi:



Libby,






I've often envied the people who go merrily on their way, not a thought to the "what if" syndrome. They don't realize how blessed they are, they don't reaize that it can be gone just as quickly.  Maybe this makes us better parents....we sure don't take anything for granted & know each & every day is important.






 






I also totally understand the "I can't get pregnant soon enough". The most imortant thing is a healthy pregnancy. I went from wanting a healthy baby to wanting a healthy baby that lived. I truly did not care if it was a boy or girl...I just wanted the baby to live. You need to take care of yourself emotionally & physically so when you do get pregnant everything  goes smoothly.






Oh...........you are  going to worry every day that goes by , how can you not. Give yourself the best chance at a healthy pregnancy, if it takes more time it is so worth it. Remember also  that your husband is probably scared too. Don't worry about what other people think as they have no clue what you have gone through, all that is important is you & your husband.





Peggi,



Wow, to not have to play the "what if" game.  That would be incredible.  The biggest one I play is what if she had lived.  I thought having a preemie the 2nd time made me a better parent.  I had no idea what kind of a parent this would make me.  I know the most important thing is a healthy pregnancy.  I have no idea if that will happen or not.  I don't know if I'll have another pregnancy, let alone a healthy pregnancy.  I do hope I have both.  I'm just not sure what else to do to take care of myself emotionally.  It is realistic to have the bad days, right?  I guess as long as every day isn't a bad day, I should be ok I think.  I know I will worry.  I worry right now and it hasn't even happened yet.  I know my hubby is worried.  I feel really guilty for that.  I feel like it is my fault that he has to worry or that he has stress.  He was worried about a 3rd pregnancy since our 2nd one had complications.  I wasn't worried.  My first pregnancy was text book perfect!  I talked him into a 3rd child and look how it turned out.  He has agreed to try again for #4, but I don't know if he has agreed because he truly wants it to, or he thinks it's what I need.  Maybe there isn't a difference though.  He feels like he needs to take care of us (his family), and maybe he thinks taking care of me is by doing what I want to do.  I don't know.  I just am so blessed that I have exactly what I need in a husband right now. 

Peggi - posted on 02/11/2009

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Libby,



I've often envied the people who go merrily on their way, not a thought to the "what if" syndrome. They don't realize how blessed they are, they don't reaize that it can be gone just as quickly.  Maybe this makes us better parents....we sure don't take anything for granted & know each & every day is important.



 



I also totally understand the "I can't get pregnant soon enough". The most imortant thing is a healthy pregnancy. I went from wanting a healthy baby to wanting a healthy baby that lived. I truly did not care if it was a boy or girl...I just wanted the baby to live. You need to take care of yourself emotionally & physically so when you do get pregnant everything  goes smoothly.



Oh...........you are  going to worry every day that goes by , how can you not. Give yourself the best chance at a healthy pregnancy, if it takes more time it is so worth it. Remember also  that your husband is probably scared too. Don't worry about what other people think as they have no clue what you have gone through, all that is important is you & your husband.

Libby - posted on 02/11/2009

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You haven't over stepped anything.  I want another child more than anything.  I know I can't replace Trina, but I want so much to be a mommy again.  I always felt jipped during my 2nd pregnancy because I had complications and was on bedrest, and then he came 10 weeks early.  I had always loved being pregnant and I was jupped of the rest of that experience.  So, I knew I wanted another one.  I just didn't feel complete yet.  It took me awhile to be able to explain that to my husband because it is confusing and hard to put into words.  How could a person not feel complete when they do have two beautiful and healthy boys (thank God).  I don't know if he finally understood what I meant or if he just decided to give in or what.  But we tried for over a year (fertility treatments and stuff) and nothing.  Then I had to take some time off from it because it was too stressful and then I had to have surgery and get my tonsils out.  I still wanted another baby, but by that point I decided not to try so hard and put myself back in that stress.  I also lost some weight and then I got pregnant without any help.  I was shocked!



 



But I was very happy.  We found out it was our little girl!  Finally we were adding a girl to the family.  The pregnancy got complicated at the beginning of the 2nd trimester.  You know, right when you think things are safe.  It got bad fast and I only made it to 20 weeks.  And even though she died only 10 weeks ago I have the incredible desire to be a mommy again.  I know I can never replace her, but I just don't feel like I'm done being a mommy.  I did think I was done with the thought of #3 coming into the family, but she's not here.  My husband and I both have said that we would like to try again.  Even though it is scarey!  I'm scared about so many things.  That  I will have complications again.  That I'll lose another child.  That I won't ever have another daughter!  I also fear of losing one of my living children.  Why does life have to be full of fear?!



 



I feel like I can't get pregnant soon enough.  I wonder if that's crazy.  Will people think I'm making a stupid decision because I haven't healed from losing our daughter?  But the answer to that is I will never heal.  I will always have a scar.  I will always have pain because of it.  There will never be a day that I don't think of her.  So, what is the right amount of time to wait?  And I even said to my husband that maybe we shouldn't just have one more, but maybe two!  He wasn't too keen on that idea.  But you never know what the future will bring.  I do want more children!  How do I deal with the fact that I feel like it can't happen soon enough?

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