Its a week today since I put my little Angel to rest

Vikki - posted on 09/27/2012

I know it's hard and I can't imagine your pain, but think of it this way, God thought your baby was special enough to take to be with him now, and she will be in a wonderful place where one day you will meet up again and be together for eternity, so be strong until then xx



And remember don't loose faith. If you think God has forgotten you, remember, the teacher is always quiet during the test xx

Andrea - posted on 07/23/2012

i understand what you are going through. my son was born at 24 weeks and weighed 1lb and 10ozs. he stayed in the nicu for 4 months and got to come home. a few months after he was home we had to rush him to the er and then ended up at childrens in dallas just to find out he was brain dead. so we had to make the decision to take him off of life support. only thing i could say was its not fair and yes i was mad at god as well. the pain doesnt go away but it does get better over time. my little boy was our first as well and i wish everyday he was with us but deep down i now he is in a better place free of pain. if need to talk ill listen and try to help you out.

Andrea - posted on 07/23/2012

i understand what you are going through. my son was born at 24 weeks and weighed 1lb and 10ozs. he stayed in the nicu for 4 months and got to come home. a few months after he was home we had to rush him to the er and then ended up at childrens in dallas just to find out he was brain dead. so we had to make the decision to take him off of life support. only thing i could say was its not fair and yes i was mad at god as well. the pain doesnt go away but it does get better over time. my little boy was our first as well and i wish everyday he was with us but deep down i now he is in a better place free of pain. if need to talk ill listen and try to help you out.

Sherri - posted on 07/19/2012

we lost our son march 23 2012 he was only 10 days old he was my first i have a double uterus and carried him to 37weeks he died from a tramatic birth the hospitel totally shut down on us we are still trying to find out what happened everyone says as time goes on that it gets easier they dont understand that it doesnt im sorry for ur loss too no one understands what were goin thru as moms

Kelli - posted on 07/16/2012

Veronique
My son and passed after being in NICU his entire life ( 8 weeks). The days following his passing were very bleak, to put it mildly. He too was my first child who had gone through and fought through so much. Please know that I fully understand how you feel.
Please know that it is OK to feel however you feel- the best advise I can give you is to just go with the flow... Acknowledge how you feel, think about why you feel the way you do and accept that feeling.
My son passed almost 4 months ago. I won't lie and say the pain goes away... but i can assure you that the intense pain and longing that takes your breath away does lessen somewhat over time. As time passes, there will be really good days (you are allowed to smile when you feel like it), good days, bad days and there will be really bad days. This is all a normal part of the greiving process.
it will take as long as it takes you.
If you need to talk- i am here.

Jane - posted on 07/14/2012

I lost a little boy at 13 months old from a rare blood disease. He had meningitis at 10 months old. We made it through that, then about 6 weeks later, he was having seizures. The doctors got the seizures under control, but his blood counts kept dropping. They would give him blood, but couldn't figure it out. They sent us to another hospital, who found out what it was, but could not save him. They tried for 10 weeks, before we lost our little angel.
It is the HARDEST thing you will ever go through. But, with trust in God, even though you are angry and don't understand (you never will, until you get to heaven, but then see your daughter again). You will get through this. I just thought of where he was, and I want to be with him for sure, so I started going to church more and it made it a little easier.
It will never stop hurting, but it gets a little better every year that goes by. If you can, find a support group to join. They are out there, maybe not all of the time, but you might find one.
Remember, there is NOTHING you could have done to stop this, but she is in God's arms and He is taking care of her. I hurt for you, I DO know what you are going through.

Courtney - posted on 07/12/2012

To Veronica, Natalie and all the moms who has lossed a child..Just want to start off by saying that I wish we didn't have to go through what we are going through and I'm sorry about everyone's loss. I had my little man June 21, 2012 at 34wks6days. He weighed 5pounds15oz. Everything happened so fast. I went to the hospital for what I thought was braxtonhicks and ended up being labor contractions. He was breeched so I delivered him by a c-section. He was not breathing on his own due to the lungs not being fully developed. I had low fluid during the pregnancy so I wanted to get the steriod shot for the lungs but wasn't given one. Again everything happened so fast. He was rushed to nicu. They didn't expect him to live more than 2hours after birth but he was my little fighter. He waited for his father to get to the hospital and to the nicu, while holding his hand he took his last breath. I was in disbelief. I just kept praying for God to bring him back. This pain is like no other. I believe in God so I just pray and ask him to give us the strength to get through this. He was my first child and like many of you I felt so empty and incomplete. I just try and take it one day at a time. I didn't get to hold him until he passed bc of all the tubes. I just wish I would have done more. I feel like I should have stayed on the doctors more. If I could do things differently I would have made sure they gave me the shot for his lungs. It's sad that we have doctors that just give up and we have to stay on them to make sure they are doing everything possible to make sure our child has a fighting chance. My baby boy was so handsome and adorable. Only God can mend this broken heart.

Natalie - posted on 07/06/2012

I completely feel your pain, on the 20th of June 2012 (12 days overdue) I gave birth to a healthy son at 10lb 10ounces. He was shocked at birth and therefore stopped breathing and ended up in NICU, he lasted literally 7 days before we had to let him go, as his brain was so damaged.
We have screamed to god,asking why??? why did they take him, he was so perfect. I too feel completely lost, there is a massive hole left in my heart and I feel completely empty.
You havnt failed your daughter and you cant blame yourself, you did everything you could for her as a mother. As for friends, I feel I cant speak to friends either, as unless they have been through the same situation, they will never know how to react around us, what to say or how to be.
Grief is such a horrible feeling and as a matron told me in NICU, each day will be like waves, there will be so many ups and downs.
Take care x

Elise - posted on 07/02/2012

Veronica,



I have buried two sons. My 16-year-old son died 8 years ago, the victim of electric shock drowning, and my 10-year-old grandson who I was raising was run over while trying to board his school bus 8 months ago. I have observed a few things about the process of grieving that may help you.



Life will never again be the same. You will always have an awareness that your life and purpose have changed. You will know emotional pain. At first that pain is very intense, but with time that pain will become "different", and somehow easier to bear.



The "First" everything without your baby will be the hardest...the first Fourth of July, the first Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, birthday, and of course, the first anniversary of your baby's death. I found it best if I just accepted beforehand that these were going to be difficult milestones and prepared emotionally for them.



It will help if you can find some activity to focus on that is outside yourself and your circumstance. I am not saying that you shouldn't take time to mourn. That is healthy, and an essential component of healthy healig. So give yourself permission to do the things that are associated with healthy mourning. But, as difficult as it may seem right now, there is still room in this life for purpose and fulfillment. So I urge you to try to look outward. Find a need somewhere that you can fill and do something for others. Do not be surprised if that something turns out to be related to helping folks going through similar circumstances as your own. The Bible says that sometimes we endure difficulties so that we can comfort others with the same comfort that the Lord God has given us. So don't be surprised if you find yourself ministering to other bereaved parents.



Finally, there will come a day when you will hear yourself laugh. It may come as a shock to you, but it's okay to laugh. There is still room in this life for joy, and that joy is not a betrayal of your child.



The thing that I think has helped me the most in all of this is the realization that our earthly lives are simply preparation for our eternal lives to come. This is where we choose who will be our God for all eternity. Death is simply the doorway between this life and our eternal reward. I believe that my boys are up there dancing with Jesus, and that they are more alive now than they ever were here on earth. These events in my life have changed my perspective on life and death. I no longer fear death, though I do know some apprehension of the method of getting that way. And I confess concern that I may die before finishing the things I want to leave as a legacy. But I no longer fear death.



God bless you dear. I will pray for your peace and comfort.

Veronique - posted on 06/29/2012

Dear Wendy

Thank you very much, I don't know how many times I read you message and found comfort. It really really helped me a lot.
When I am down like today I go to it and I found comfort, clarity and be at easy with myself. I really appreciate and its true only mothers who went through the same grief will understand and know what to tell you.

U really helped a lot

Thank You
Veronique

Wendy - posted on 06/26/2012

Dear Veronique,

Everything you have written is what every mother who is a member of this site feels or has felt. Anger is so very normal, wanting to protect your precious little baby is something all us mummy's want to do, and not wanting to hear I'm sorry and looking at people's faces when they say it, is absolutely normal. We don't want to hear the 'I'm so sorry', even though we know deep down they only mean well, we just don't want to be put into the situation where someone has to say it to us. So I know exactly how you are feeling. And to be quite honest, only another mother who has lost a baby or child can understand how we are feeling. It is the most incredible pain a person could ever have to endure in their life. No words in the English language comes any where close to being able to explain the constant pain you and I and all the other mum's here are feeling every single day. So please allow yourself to feel these feelings and have these emotions as they are all completely normal.

If you need time away from people and their 'I'm so sorry's', then do so. Don't face the world until YOU ARE READY. A true friend and family members will understand. It has only been a week, and it is so very, very raw for you still and it will be like that for some time. Allow yourself to go through the different stages of grief, do it at your pace, in your way, it's your grief. If you need to cry all day, then cry all day, if you need people around you, then ask those you trust to be near you, if you want to be alone and scream, then do that. Take each day as it comes. You will have horrible days, and you will have better days, just allow each day to be what it's meant to be for you.

What is so hard about losing a baby is that you do feel all alone, that you are the only one in the world who is going through this horrible, horrible thing. That you should have protected your baby more, and that all you want to do is hold your precious little baby in your arms and keep her safe. As I say to people, losing a child is like being in a tunnel with no light at the end. When we go through bad times, you know that there is always the light at the end of the tunnel, but when you lose a child, there is no light at the end of the tunnel, and that is what is so, so, hard. If you believe in God, you will know you will see her again, and that gives some people a little bit of comfort who believe. It's no conciliation though, but it helps.

You will get through this, I know you will. It will be the hardest thing you will ever have to do though, so it is very important that you take each day as it comes. Time doesn't heal all wounds as they say, but time allows you to learn to live with your pain. That's all that will happen. You will always remember your little girl, you will always love your little girl, but the pain you have of losing her will be easier for you to control as time goes on. The pain will never, ever go away, you will learn how to live with your pain so you can go on with your life.

Please remember that you didn't fail your daughter at all, it wasn't your fault, it was out of your control, and your little girl knows you love her with all your heart, and she will be there with you no matter where you go. She isn't alone in the grave, she is with you. Her little body maybe there, but her soul, her true essence of who she is, is with you, and no one and nothing can take that away from you.

I lost my son just after his first birthday over two and a half years ago now, and I still miss him to this very day. I will always miss him until the day I die. He was a very healthy, happy little boy, who died suddenly from a tragic accident. I have since had a healthy little girl, and she has done so many things which remind me of him, and for that I am truly grateful. I love seeing him in her, it gives me comfort during my difficult days.

Being on this forum does help - it allows us mum's to express our feelings, and have other people who have been through the same thing, help, advise and comfort us. Feel free to write whenever you need to, either on this forum, or just personal letters to your daughter. Writing down your feelings really does help a lot - we need to allow our feelings to come out, so we can go through the healing process.

I hope I have been able to help you a little :)

Take care

Wendy

Veronique - posted on 06/26/2012

Dear Marleigh
I'm sory for your lose too.
Yesterday I was at my Daughters grave because I wanted to inform her that I have accepted God wishes. God knows it was hurt to accept but now I know she is in a safer place. I wanted to die with her but now I understand it is not up to me.
Thank you very much for your courage words, you sound very strong woman

Veronique - posted on 06/26/2012

When I had my daughter I told myself that she is the first and last, so I don't know if I will try again. I really got scared because she came way to early and didn't want to go through that. I would really like to have another baby but it won't be any time soon, guess has to pass through this first. Was not only her death but also her birth that made me decide to stop with her.

Marleigh Dayton - posted on 06/26/2012

I am sooooo sorry for your loss and believe me when I say, I know how you feel. My First Born spent almost the first month of his life in NICU because he suffered from a diaphragmatic hernia and just when I thought the worst was over and it will be great from there, my whole world was turned upside down when My Angel was taken away from me at 11 weeks old. I still get upset about the way everything went down but I know that God will help me through this just as he will with you, we just have to have Faith in Him and in the fact that we will one day be reunited with Our Darlings.

Bogi - posted on 06/25/2012

Dear Veronique,
It will be better a bit. Not so much, just a little bit. (Sorry for my mistakes in English, English is not my mother tongue.) It is exactly the same as being in the NICU. A rollercoaster. Sometimes you feel you are better, you are OK, and then something happennig and you are in a deep hole again. If you are lucky, these "deep holes" are happenning less often.
First I couldn't sleep at all. Now I can sleep, only have nightmares about his delivery and the days before it. First all Saturdays were awful (it was Saturday when he died). Now I can carry the burden of Saturdays. But I am crying a lot, this has not changed. I hope we will learn how to live with that burden. Have you seen the film "Rabbit hole". This is not a really good film, but there are some part in it, which made me thinking.
Will you try it again?

Veronique - posted on 06/23/2012

My Dear Bogi
I'm so sorry for your lose. Why doctors cannot see because it also happened with me they couldn't say what caused her to come so early but I accept to leave with it and prayed that she makes it and was happy to be discharged but little did I know. But its nice to talk with people who understand, who have been there. They say it get better with time- guess I just have to wait and see because it hurt so much, I cannot sleep more especially on times that she used to make me up. Will it ever get better??? Will it, I don't think so.
Wish you good luck on trying again, don't worry it will happen when you least expect it

Bogi - posted on 06/22/2012

Dear Veronique,
I can understand you...
My little boy, Vilmos was born preterm, at 25 weeks, with 800 g. He was 4 months and 4 days old when he died. He never came home. It happened in February, 2012 at the birthday of my husband. Our pain is almost unbearable. The time has not changed anything. We miss him a lot, and cannot understand what had happened. Why did he born so early (doctors could not find reason for it)? Why did smaller babies succeed and he did not? Why, why and why...
We try to conceive again, but we had not been successful yet.
Bogi

Veronique - posted on 06/19/2012

Today was our appointment for check-up and made me remember her so much. How can a beautiful baby slip off, I'm so much in pain. I feel like God has forsaken me. I have failed my daughter. Will she ever forgive me?

User - posted on 06/17/2012

Veronique, I feel your pain. Please believe that God loves you. God did not take your baby. God is love. It may be hard for you to understand this right now, because your mind is working on overload. I am sure that this is painful, however you will have to keep praying and take one day at a time. One minute and one second at a time. Please join a counseling group to help you deal with your grief.