LEARNING HOW TO KEEP GOING AFTER THE DEATH OF A CHILD.

Johnda - posted on 02/23/2010

BTW Jeanne, my son's name was Jared.

Johnda - posted on 02/23/2010

I don't know if I learned how to go on. I think it was just that I had no choice. It really was a faking it till you make it type thing. I had another child at home who needed a mother, a husband who needed a wife and a host of family and friends who just depend on me being, well . . . me. So, i forced myself to put one foot in front of the the other. Hated every minute of it, sometimes still do even after almost 5 years. By all accounts I am one of the most outgoing people you could ever meet, yet I was afraid to go to supermarkets for fear that I would run in to someone I knew. Or even worse yet, run in to someone I had not seen since before my child died who might express their condolences. Or waaaay worse, someone who didn't know the tragedy that had befallen us at all and wanted to know how the new baby was doing. But I went cuz I had to. I went to church because I was expected to, not because I felt like I was on good terms with God. I went to my clubs because I was a member, not because I cared about the causes anymore. Eventually you do feel less scared, you do start to enjoy the things that you were faking again. Is it different? Yes. Sometimes do u still feel like you are watching yourself live your life instead of actually living in the moment? Yes. But eventually, without rhyme or reason, without warning, you do live in the moment, you do smile without force, laugh without guilt, hug and enjoy being hugged back. And even go down supermarket aisles without peeking first to see who's there.

Leonie - posted on 02/23/2010

Thank you Jean! You said EXACTLY my thoughts!

At my daughters funeral, I said to my Dad, that I didn't think I was strong enough to get through it. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'God would not have put this one you if you couldn't handle it!' When I asked him, 'Why did this have to happen?' He replied, 'All will become clear one day.' I told him that when awful things like this happen you should get a letter in the mail explaining why and what you are meant to learn from it. He just smiled and said, 'God's lessons are around us everyday and we just have to be open to seeing them.'

To be honest, I wanted to give up my faith, and God was not very popular with me for awhile after Zara died, but my Dad, my Hero was right! If we hadn't lost Zara, hadn't been blessed with her and then suffered with her loss, we would not truly appreciate the miracle of her two sisters that followed. I would not be the strong mother and woman that I am now! And I would, still, not understand what loss feels like.

I had lost grandparents, uncles, aunts, even friends my age, but when you lose a child the pain, the ache, the hole it leaves in you is so great you think, and often want to, cave in. Talking is great! Remembering is essential! And Time has no limit! Everyone is different. What works for some may not be right for others, but just know that you are not alone in feeling such sorrow. You ARE NOT crazy, or wrong, or dwelling in the past! And you never REALLY move on! You just learn to live again, just in a different life!
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Leonie - posted on 02/23/2010

I know what you mean! It has been just over 5years since we lost our first daughter. I still have questions like why and how did it happen. We will never know the answers. Just know that you are blessed! We have been touched by Angels!

Debra - posted on 02/18/2010

The lost of my only daughter at age 27 Has been the most pain that I could ever experience. it will be 2 yrs in 6 days and it is as if it was seconds ago that I recieved that call. My life has changed and will never be the same. No matter how many yrs go by. She was my best friend as well as my daughter. I know people have their own ways of dealing with it. But this has destroyed my life. I don't know if it is because of the way she died. by anothers hand. Or what the reason. But I do know that at this time there is not signs of me ever being able to move on and deal with it. The pain is to bad.

Jean - posted on 02/18/2010

My son, Jarrod, died 13 years ago on June 19, 1997. He was 18 yrs. old at the time. He was coming home from Santa Cruz, him and friends had gone to celebrate a friends' birthday. On Pacheco Pass, called "dead man's ally or blood alley" is where they had the accident head on w/another truck. No one was seriously injured in the truck, yet my son and another girl died. It was extremely difficult in the beginning, yet our Priest gave me a slip of paper with a story I'd like to share w/all of you.
Your child is not dead, sure his body has ceased to breath, yet your child was made of energy and energy does not die, therefore, your child has returned to their original state.
We are born in different stages of growth, one life begins in the womb, then we breath air and when our body enters the last stage, this is our energy and final stage of life.
Even though 13 yrs are approaching, I do experience those odd "sucker" punches as I joke about them. Talking helps alot, I did visit the psychirist (?) for 5 yrs. My friends for so many years became uncomfortable and there was always an unease when with them. Mutually, we grew apart and new friends entered my life as well as new partnership. The story in this is, always be positive, your child is still w/you, maybe not physically yet as is our Father with us. Being busy helps and lots of prayers and eventually you do get to the point of "thankfulness" and can feel and be blessed you had your child as long as you did, whether 1 hr or 50 yrs. Today, when I wake up the 1st thing I do is than our Father for all he has given me and also bless my child and keep him in his arms until we meet again. God Bless each and every parent and child!!

Audra - posted on 02/17/2010

Whenever anyone has asked me this question my reply has always been this: I'll never get over my son and learn how to deal with it, I just find ways to go on. The ways that I find that help me is anything that allows me to celebrate him. When Jake first died (I was 38 weeks and he was stillborn) I sent out an announcement and included that both me and my husband want to talk about him and not live our lives not mentioning him. He was our son and he deserved that. We also mentioned that we hope that everyone can feel comfortable enough around us when we do talk about him, etc. Everyone was so appreciative because noone knew what to say or what to do. We just let them know what we wanted from day one! I even have friends and family that buy Jake a little gift for his birthdays and every holiday. Once a friend bought my kids a wooden sled and then handed me a gift bag with Jake's name on it and it was a miniture one for Jake! It was amazing!! Jake is always included in everything we do. I just find doing and thinking positive thoughts of him is what helps me get thru each day. I also have a beautiful book called, "Mommy please dont cry, there are no tears in heaven." and that book has helped me a lot over the past 6 years!

Debbie - posted on 02/17/2010

My daughter passed at the age of 28 just a lil over 5 yrs ago, from an accidental prescription painkiller overdose. I think about her everyday, I miss her so much I cant even describe, but I do have 2 say I have my good days also. Everyone grieves differently. I hold her close in my heart and look 4ward 2 the day we are together again. I jus keep putting one foot in front of the other, talk about her alot, and keep her memory alive for her daughters, who I am raising.

Misty - posted on 02/17/2010

my daughter passed away 2.5 yrs ago, and the pain is still so very raw. My heart will forever have a huge whole in it. My 7 yr old which is only 13 months older than my little angel. they were best friends, it was just like having twins. She was 3 when she passed and was so full of life! Matti (7 yr old) always says she wished there was a window to heaven so she could check on her! It hurts so bad, I cry nearly everyday just because.......

Dawn - posted on 02/17/2010

hi i lost my daughter jade in 2001 aged 11 i miss her every day just take each day as it comes thats the only way some somes i just cry for no reason

Renae - posted on 02/16/2010

My son was 16yrs old when he was killed in a truck accident. It has been 12yrs & i still grieve for him. When he passed away my daughter was only 13yrs old. At times i didnt want to go on but i knew i had to for her. Take your time to grieve, dont let anyone tell you how to grieve or how long you should grieve. Because until they walk in your shoes they have really no idea how painful it is to lose a child. I went to some Compassionate Friends meetings(its for people who have lost children) it helped me realize that i wasnt alone, that other people have suffered a tragic loss also. I went & still am goin through so many stages of grief.

Nicola - posted on 02/16/2010

I could ask the same question myself. Our little girl died just over 4 months ago and today would have been her 8th birthday! I feel like my heart if broken and I think about her all the time and wonder how I can carry on living without her. Her little sister is the answer - she needs us too and Emily was so proud to be a big sister that we owe it to her to carry on!

Lesley - posted on 02/15/2010

Its gota be one of the hardest things to do in life but you can do it! I lost my baby girl 22yrs ago and i never thought id get through it and i sometimes wonder how i did. When you need to talk about him/her just do it! When you need to cry take time out and cry. Each day is a new day and you can never forget or replace your loved one but you can slowly rebuild your life.Remember the good always and the pain will become acceptance and you will survive KIA KAHA ( be strong )

Mary - posted on 02/14/2010

There is truth in that time does heal your heart. There will come a time that you can think and speak about your child with less pain. I learned that for me, the more I talked about him the easier it was for me to deal with the pain. That's not to say that I still don't have bad days, but they are few and less hard to deal with. Each of us deals with loss in our own way, for me it was alot of prayers and focusing on the good memories of Matt. God Bless.

Lorri - posted on 02/14/2010

There is no riginght or wrong way to greive. But it is part of the process. I gave my siter a book to read and I only found 1 copy at the time but it's call Silver lining in the life of trauma. It exsplains the process that we go thru. The initiation. That is the beginning and I felt that this Lady set down and was writing my story. My daughter was 23 when she passed away and I thought I was going to loose my mind. There is so many things that we go though and no one really knows your feelings but you. All I can say is i'm sorry you had to joy the club. It's not one I wanted to join by any means. If your interested in the book I can find out who the Author is and give you that info. It also has diffent things that you can do to help with the greiving.

Kerry - posted on 02/14/2010

It all takes time and untill it happens to you and as the years eventually pass you never know how to deal with the pain, I try to see the happy positive side that I had my child if only for a very short while, there are many people that never even get to experiance a pregnancy let alone hold a baby that belongs to themselves so for that I feel I was blessed if only for that short time, I hope this helped if only a little !