Karin - posted on 11/04/2009 ( 1 mom has responded )
I write this down to encourage mothers that have the same difficult decisions to make as we did.
Liam is our second son, he was planed and we were soooo happy when I got pregnant right away.
In the 12th week we did a neck fold messurement and it was slightly enlarged. We tried not to worry. I went for a scan again in the 19th week. First the doctor thought that Liam had already died. but then we saw a heart beat. But his body didn't look right.
I went to see prenatal specialists. They confirmed what my doctor suspected. Liam was so ill he would not survive after birth.
We decided to give Liam as much time as he wanted. I believe the pain of loosing a child is big enough without adding the feeling of guilt of aborting a child on top of it. He is still our child and we love him no matter what. i could never decide when the death day of a child of mine should be.
The doctors felt that he would only survive a couple more weeks. But Liam was stubborn and strong. He stayed with me until the 34th week.34 weeks during which I had the pleasure to get to know him. I learned that he loved music, we also had our first and only disagreement: We went to a concert and he was the most enthusiastic during the songs I didn't like and very quiet during the ones i liked..;-) He liked going on swings. I went on every swing I saw, because Liam would never be able to sit on a swing himself. So I sat on it with him. He always gave me kicks as if to urge me on to go higher.
On the 16. September contractions started and I went to the hospital to have a c-section (had to have one due to his condition). I felt him till the end. The anaesthesia was very weird. I had no pain but i felt everything. I could always tell where they were cutting and what they were doing. So i felt his kicks till the end. The procedure was very difficult, they had to literally cut him out. For a healthy child this would have been difficult to survive, for Liam it was impossible. We heard one small cry when he got out, after that he died.
We got to keep him for 4days in hospital. 4 days where we cuddled him as much as we could and he was introduced to all our best friends and family.
We had him cremated, so that we could bury him in our garden.
The funeral was held in our conservatory and my husband and Elijah (our 22month old first son) dug the hole and also shuffled it close. Elijah is still very proud to have helped. We involved him very much and he seam to have understood a big part of it, He still waves up to heaven to say hi to Liam, he talks to him and sometimes carries his photograph around when he plays.
The funeral was held by my cousin who had already married us. He held a beautiful service and sang songs with his wife (who is also a minister and a singer). But putting the urn in the coffin and have the earth close over it was heart breaking. it is just wrong that children have to go before us.
I have a little lantern on the grave and light the candle everyday.
I miss Liam everyday, but I'm greatful for every day i had him and I consider him a gift. He made such a difference by coming to us, he touched so many lives with his short one.
Someone asked me at the funeral, if I knew before the pregnancy what would happen, if I would still get pregnant again. Yes I would. And I would carry him for as long as he needed again. I could do without the pain and anguish of these months but I could not be without Liam anymore.
He lives in our hearts and i love him very much. He is my son, I'm his mami.