Life after stillbirth

Colleen - posted on 03/20/2009

It has been twenty five years since I lost my first child. She was a still born. I was two weeks past my due date. I dont cry like I did the first few years because I guess that I have learned to live with the fact that she is in heaven and no amount of wanting her back here with me would ever change the fact that it just not a possibility. I hope to see her someday  in heaven. It was such a painful time in my life and like you even now I can remember all the events leading up to her birth. I only have my  memories  of the months of  joy and excitement of expecting and dreaming about the  life that I never got to experience with her. I try not to let the fact that I did not get to have her in my life take  away the few precious months I did share with her.. I choose now to rejoice in the fact that she was and is and always will be whether here or there my daughter.  I hope you find peace. God bless!

Nicole - posted on 03/20/2009

Everybody deals with loss differently, so don't feel bad if that's what feels natural to you.  We lost twins in Dec. of 2007, and an ectopic pregnancy in March of 2008 and we've both dealt with it differently. When this happened, my husband after the first day or letting it sink in and crying a bunch, he buried it and tried to pretend it didn't happen.  He couldn't talk about it and even now, over a year later, he still doesn't talk about it much and hasn't let himself truly grieve.  I on the other hand, needed to cry, needed to talk about it to get it out of my system before I burst.  Our other children and I have come up with ways to remember them and honor their memory on a daily basis.  Now, most days I can think or talk about our babies, Anastasia, Alexandra and Frank without crying, maybe just getting a bit choked up.

My sister lost her daughter Caroline Grace in November and she was like my husband, not wanting to talk about it while her husband was more like me and kept asking me how it felt when we had gone through it.    I'm so sorry for the loss of your son, please know that you're not alone, and that it's okay to still hurt.  I know I will for the rest of my life at least a little bit, until I can be with them again.  

Nina - posted on 03/14/2009

Hi Damali,

I'm so sorry for your loss, I'm sure little Aiden knows and feels how much you hurt. Life will get a little easier to bear day by day, you wont ever forget what you went through and may find a future pregnancy daunting, but things happen for a reason, and sometimes life's plan isnt always a happy one, but makes us a stronger person.

I have had 2 still births since June 07 and not a day goes by that my two children Alyssa and Adam are not on my mind, I buried them nearby so that I could still feel them near me.  Took me a long time to realise that life isnt always kind.

I am lucky to have a healthy four and half year old boy..Christian, he is the most important thing in my life and i make sure he is safe, loved and told how special he is every day. 

Take care and am always here to listen

Nina.xx

Wendy - posted on 03/13/2009

I TOO LOST A BABY.   IT WAS MY FIRST CHILD.  I KNEW THAT SOMETHING WAS WRONG WHEN I WAS ABOUT TWO MONTHS ALONG. I STARTED TO HAVE SPOTTING WHEN EVERY I WAS ON MY FEET FOR MORE THEN A FEW HOURS AND I HAD A JOB AS A CASHIER AT A LOCAL RETAIL STORE THAT REQUIRED ME TO STAND FOFR 8 TO 10 HOURS A DAY. THE DOCTORS ALL TOLD ME THAT EVERYTHING WAS FINE AND THAT I SHOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING.  THEN ONE NIGHT WHEN I WAS ABOUT 5 1/2 MONTHS ALONG, I WAS AT WORK AND I STARTED TO HAVE ALOT OF BLEEDING.  MY HUSBAND CAME AND RUSHED ME TO THE HOSPITAL AND THEY TRIED AND TRIED FOR OVER A HOUR TO FIND A HEARTBEAT.  THERE WAS NONE.  THEY MADE BE DELIVER THE BABY. THAT WAS THE HARDEST THING THAT I HAD TO DO.  THEN THEY ASKED IF I WANTED TO SEE THE BABY.  THAT WAS HARD TO DO TOO.  MY HUSBAND SAID THAT IT WAS BEST THAT I SEE THE BABY OR I WOULD NEVER GET OVER THE LOSS OF LOSSING HIM.  WE HAD A SMALL SERVICE FOR HIM AND HAD HIM CREMATED.  WE HAVE HIS ASHES IN A SMALL ANGEL STATURE AT HOME.  I STILL THINK ABOUT HIM EVERYDAY.  I WONDER IF IT WAS SOMETHINGTHAT I DID OR DIDN'T DO AND IF THERE WAS SOMETHING THAT I COULD HAVE DONE DIFFERENT.  THEN FOUR MONTHS LATER I GOT PREGANT AGAIN AND I WAS WORRIED THE WHOLE TIME THAT THE SAMETHING WOULD HAPPEN AGAIN.  THIS  LITTLE GIRL WS BORN ON JUNE 25 OF 2008.  SHE WAS FIVE WEEKS EARLY.  SHE WAS BORN ON THE SAME DAY THAT I LOST THE LAST BABY.  I WAS SO SCARED.  SHE HAD TO STAY IN THE HOSPITAL FOR 34 DAYS.  SHE HAD TROUBLE EATING AT FIRST, SO THEY HAD TO PUT IN A FEEDING TUB AND SHE HAD A MEDIUM SIZE HOLE IN HER HEART WHICH HAS SINCE CLOSED UP.  SHE IS REALLY BEHIND IN HER DEVELOMENT, BUT WE WORK WITH HER EVERYDAY AND EVERYDAY SHE IS GETTING A LITTLE BIT BETTER.  I STILL FEEL SAD ABOUT THE LOSS OF THE FIRST BABY.  IT SHOULD HAVE NEVER HAPPENED.

Wendy - posted on 03/13/2009

I TOO LOST A BABY.   IT WAS MY FIRST CHILD.  I KNEW THAT SOMETHING WAS WRONG WHEN I WAS ABOUT TWO MONTHS ALONG. I STARTED TO HAVE SPOTTING WHEN EVERY I WAS ON MY FEET FOR MORE THEN A FEW HOURS AND I HAD A JOB AS A CASHIER AT A LOCAL RETAIL STORE THAT REQUIRED ME TO STAND FOFR 8 TO 10 HOURS A DAY. THE DOCTORS ALL TOLD ME THAT EVERYTHING WAS FINE AND THAT I SHOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING.  THEN ONE NIGHT WHEN I WAS ABOUT 5 1/2 MONTHS ALONG, I WAS AT WORK AND I STARTED TO HAVE ALOT OF BLEEDING.  MY HUSBAND CAME AND RUSHED ME TO THE HOSPITAL AND THEY TRIED AND TRIED FOR OVER A HOUR TO FIND A HEARTBEAT.  THERE WAS NONE.  THEY MADE BE DELIVER THE BABY. THAT WAS THE HARDEST THING THAT I HAD TO DO.  THEN THEY ASKED IF I WANTED TO SEE THE BABY.  THAT WAS HARD TO DO TOO.  MY HUSBAND SAID THAT IT WAS BEST THAT I SEE THE BABY OR I WOULD NEVER GET OVER THE LOSS OF LOSSING HIM.  WE HAD A SMALL SERVICE FOR HIM AND HAD HIM CREMATED.  WE HAVE HIS ASHES IN A SMALL ANGEL STATURE AT HOME.  I STILL THINK ABOUT HIM EVERYDAY.  I WONDER IF IT WAS SOMETHINGTHAT I DID OR DIDN'T DO AND IF THERE WAS SOMETHING THAT I COULD HAVE DONE DIFFERENT.  THEN FOUR MONTHS LATER I GOT PREGANT AGAIN AND I WAS WORRIED THE WHOLE TIME THAT THE SAMETHING WOULD HAPPEN AGAIN.  THIS  LITTLE GIRL WS BORN ON JUNE 25 OF 2008.  SHE WAS FIVE WEEKS EARLY.  SHE WAS BORN ON THE SAME DAY THAT I LOST THE LAST BABY.  I WAS SO SCARED.  SHE HAD TO STAY IN THE HOSPITAL FOR 34 DAYS.  SHE HAD TROUBLE EATING AT FIRST, SO THEY HAD TO PUT IN A FEEDING TUB AND SHE HAD A MEDIUM SIZE HOLE IN HER HEART WHICH HAS SINCE CLOSED UP.  SHE IS REALLY BEHIND IN HER DEVELOMENT, BUT WE WORK WITH HER EVERYDAY AND EVERYDAY SHE IS GETTING A LITTLE BIT BETTER.  I STILL FEEL SAD ABOUT THE LOSS OF THE FIRST BABY.  IT SHOULD HAVE NEVER HAPPENED.

Kylie - posted on 03/12/2009

hi we lost our daughter almost 12 years ago and i know i went through a multitude of feelings but one thing remained strong, she is our precious daughter and will always will be. i made sure all of my children remember and know her, she remains a part of our family and that gives me great comfort. i hope in time you too come to feel that your little boy is a very special part of your life and always will be.xxx

Heather - posted on 03/12/2009

I think I posted to this thread once already, but some time has gone by.  Damali, blogging has done wonders for me personaly.  I blog, I read blogs of other woman who have lost babies.  It helps to see that there are other women out there who feel similar feelings, and have similar thoughts.  There is a whole world out in blogland for mommies who've lost a baby.  It's a little community, one that I am so thankful for because without them cheering me on, and encouraging me and offering their support, I doubt that I would still be breathing today.  I use http://mystolenlight.blogspot.com and there are links to several women on there who write their own blogs.  I encourage you to journey out into blog land and find some support.

Dawn - posted on 03/11/2009

One day at at time is all I can say.  I lost my son Kaiden Malik 11-24-05 Thanksgving Day and I felt like I wanted to die with him, however, God had other plans for me.  To say that this has been easy is far from the truth.  The one thing I want you to remember is that Aiden will always be your son.  You are absolutely right it does seem just like yesterday at times.  I now have a 2 year old daughter and she is not his replacement, he is my first born and always will be.  I feel so blessed to have had the opportunity to carry an angel.  That was 37 of the best weeks of my life.  I had never felt that good about being me in my whole life, than when I carried my son, and I think he fulfilled his purpose and went on to heaven.  I never thought I would feel this way and actually accept his death because grief at this level causes you to feel so many emotions, anger, sadness, hoplessness, despair.  I felt them all times a million, but everyday it got better.  The thing about losing a child is that you will never "feel better" about losing your child, but I hold on to the memories of how good I felt when I was pregnant with him and look back at pictures of me at that time and you could see I was bursting at the seems with happiness and I appreciate that gift he gave me! 

Karen - posted on 03/03/2009

I lost my daughter at 35 weeks two months ago.  You feel so alone and I find myself thinking that I am the only one going through something like this.  After all, all of my friends all have healthy children...so why me right?  We all miss our babies and I think burying the hurt is our hearts way of dealing with pain of loss.  My heart goes out to you and all of us who are broken hearted!!

Heather - posted on 02/24/2009

I lost my son a month ago today.  I can't say if it will get easier, but I sure hope so.  I NEED to hope so.  But something I have realize recently is this:

God knew that this world was no place for my son to be.  He knew this even when I didn't.  He did what was best for Logan, not me.  So where does that leave me?  Well I guess I'm just the collateral damage.

I hope that you too will see that you are also collateral damage, and that your son's death wasn't a personal attack on you.  It wasn't just a random act of violence from God.  Once I came to terms with this, I found his death to be just a tad bit more bareable.  I did what every mother wants to do, I loved him the best that I could.  Then I tried to believe that his death was what was best for him...not me.

Keep breathing.

~Heather http://mystolenlight.blogspot.com/

Stephanie - posted on 02/24/2009

I lost my daughter Kaleigh at 37 weeks.  I too have days when it feels like my heart is getting ripped out.  Especially since we have #3 due in 3 weeks.  Let yourself do as you need.  I ususally pray when I have times of terrible ache, and I take comfort knowing God gave his ONLY son for me.  He had a plan for her, and she is dancing in heaven.

Mendy - posted on 02/22/2009

Girl, I lost my little girl three years ago in June and I swear I feel the same way.  Her cord was in a knot and we were two days away from our due date.  It's especially hard to see other kids that are her age.  It helps me to keep the pictures fresh in my head and to know she was real.  I have a two year old now and one on the way and it still doesn't make anything any easier.

Jen - posted on 02/21/2009

I'm so sorry ! I know exactly how you feel. I lost my son Aidan in July of 2005 at 25 weeks. No matter how hard I try the pain doesn't go away. The only thing that gives me some comfort is knowing he is with God. He will never experience any pain. I like to think he only knew the comforting love of his mothers voice.

Deidere - posted on 01/24/2009

My son would have been 21 Feb. 6th of this year. It never gets easer, it still hurts like it was yesterday. I wonded what he would have been like, would he look like his brothers? I still have a very hard time going to his grave site, it makes it feel like it just happened, I try to go once a year. So. to answer your question, I'm sorry to say, it never gets easer, yes, you learn ways of coping with it, but, you will always carry this sercet pain.

Nicole - posted on 01/24/2009

I promise you it gets easier! Ilost my son 1/29/97 I was 32 wks,delivering a stillborn was so incredibly tramatic but I made it and am ok today,don't get me wrong I still think about him everyday, holidays and his birthday are tough and I usually cry but I know God had a plan for him and that gives me comfort.My family also has no expectations or says anything around this time of the year.Honey how you grieve your loss is how you grieve your loss!! There is no right or wrong way to grieve,If you have to bury your memories right now then thats what you need to do,I know our husbands,boyfriends ect..try to help but for us it's different.Just remember God had a plan for your son and thought that you were the most exceptional mom to carry such a special child!!!!!

Rachel - posted on 01/19/2009

I am so sorry to hear that. I lost my son Alan on 9/12/2002. There is still not a day that goes by that I don't think about him. Some of the memories are fading, I am not sure if I feel relieved, or guilty.

Michelle - posted on 01/19/2009

hi  i hope life will get easy for u one day, and u will be able to be a mother,to another little special person, xx