Losing Liam, Losing my boy at 34 weeks

Pamela - posted on 09/03/2009 ( 12 moms have responded )

On the 8th July 2009 our lives changed forever. Stephen, I and our two daughters went for my routine 34 week appointment at our hospital. I was the first patient in so I was the first called. My doctor asked me how I was, and mentioned that I had an appointment with the anaesthetist on the 21st July (I was supposed to have a c-section because the baby was breech). The doctor asked how my kicks were, (as I had been in the week previous with low foetal movement), so I mentioned that I had hardly any kicks the day before but that I had two while waiting to go into him. Dr.M then took me through to do a scan, so I ushered Stephen & the girls into the corner where they could see. I lay on the bed but as soon as he started the scan I could tell something was wrong, my husband’s face and the doctors face said it all. Dr.M asked for the head consultant to be paged, so I just asked him if something was wrong, he looked at me glumly and nodded, I asked if my baby was dead and he nodded and said yes. There was no heartbeat, I couldn’t believe it and started crying, but I had to pull myself together as my youngest daughter (3 years old) started crying from fright. As we waited for the head consultant to come we were moved to another room, Stephen & I explained to Scarlett (4 years old) & Grace that their baby brother had died. We then called both our parents to tell them, although my poor husband’s heart was broken and he couldn’t talk. The doctor’s then came in to say sorry and to tell me my options, they were very nice but they had the hard task of telling me that I had to wait until the following Tuesday (6 days later) before they would induce me, to give us time to let it sink in. So we were sent home, and we really didn’t know what to do. We asked my mother to look after the girls as we were both in total shock. Over the next few days we contacted the priest, bought our burial plot, put away some of his clothes (the ones from my hospital bag), all very hard to do but we had to try and carry on as normal for our girls so we sent them to their play group, and tried to be cheerful but it was so hard to do. Tuesday arrived but they had reconsidered their course of action, because of a previous section they had decided it was too dangerous (my womb & uterus could rupture) to do an induction, so they did a sweep and sent me home with instructions to come back the next Monday. That week Stephen & I did the best that we could do, we packed all the baby’s clothes away, and tried to look after the girls as best we could. The next Monday (20th July) they did another sweep and sent me home, but this one was much more successful and by the next day (21st July) I was in labour. By 3pm that afternoon I was having full & regular contractions, I held on for as long as I could but then a friend advised Stephen to bring me into the hospital as my contractions were only 3 mins apart. When we got to the hospital (4.50) they were 2 mins apart and I was 5cm dilated. I was so thrilled to have got this far by myself as my first two labours had lasted 30 hours for the 1st and 12 hours plus an emergency section for the 2nd. I had an epidural at 6.10pm and after a 4 hour labour my beautiful baby boy Liam was born, he weighed 6lbs 1oz & and measured 43cms long. He looked just like his sisters, the same nose and lips. He also had a great colour considering he had died two weeks before. He had big hands and small feet, but he was just so perfect. We couldn’t understand how he could just have died. Our hearts were broken, he was the little boy we had planned & prayed for, his daddy’s pride and joy. We spent two lovely nights with him in the hospital, where the staff was unbelievably kind and helpful. We only got to hold him in the delivery suit as he was so delicate; he was dead two weeks at this stage. However we did spend two nights with him in the hospital in our own private room, these two nights were precious and very peaceful. My doctor was very kind as were the nurses. On Thursday 23rd July 2009 the nurse placed Liam in his coffin and put the jewellery I gave them on him (a gold crucifix & a baby bangle). We placed pictures of his sisters and of us in with him. The teddy that he had with him from the minute he was born was put in (we bought two, one for Liam and one for ourselves which we sleep with every night), along with two sets of Rosary beads. One set belonged to Stephens Aunt who had passed away in May and another belonged to my niece, these were her First Holy Communion set. We were released and brought Liam home and placed his open coffin into his cot and played his projector to him. As he was so delicate we hadn’t been able to lift him after we left the delivery room so we had to leave him in his crib in the hospital and his coffin while at home. That evening we had a mass at home with only close family and we buried him in what will now be our final resting place. Putting his lid on his coffin for the last time was awful I just kept kissing him goodbye but unable to do it, but finally we had to do it. Liam would have been due on the 16th August, and was already very much part of our family. We miss him so, so much my heart keeps breaking and our girls keep wondering why their brother died, and maybe someday we will know. But then again maybe we will never know. All I know is that our precious little boy was taken, and even though we have had our lives ripped apart we are not angry or bitter, we are not going to crash & burn (hopefully), and we are not blaming anyone. Everyone keeps asking are we not angry about this, but as there is no-one to blame what is the point of being angry, we are just very, very sad. Sadness and loneliness are hard enough to deal with, without killing yourself over blame and anger. I know my son was created, died and was born through love and we will never forget him, ever. He was the love of my life, and although I know I am lucky to have two wonderful girl (and they really are fantastic), I will always miss my little boy. Liam, Mummy and Daddy love you always and forever, we cannot wait until the day we see you again, but until then we will look after your sisters and each other. Love you eternally Mummy & Daddy xxxxxxxxxx