Lost my oldest son February 6, 2006 and trying to cope

Kris - posted on 07/20/2009 ( 6 moms have responded )

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Hi, I'm new on this community. I have been trying to cope with the death of my sweet boy. He was 23 when he crossed the yellow line and crashed head on with a gas tanker. They told us he was killed instantly and didn't feel any pain. This is the first time since his death that I have acknowledged that he is dead. I miss him so much! There is such a hole in my heart....one that will never heal. The worst thing is that his wife had him cremated, so I don't have any place to visit with him. I know I really don't have to have a place as he will always be in my heart, but I really need it. What we do do is visit the accident site each year on his birthday, the date he died and Christmas since that was his favorite holiday. We have 2 other sons, 24 & 22. My middle son is having a really hard time dealing with Scott's death. He lost not only his brother, but his best friend. They were always together. My husband and I have been each others support, but I think the only thing that is keeping me going are my boys and my faith. There for awhile my faith teetered, but I found my way back. There are good days and bad days eventhough its been 3 years 5 months. I still have not accepted it and am still greiving, but it is getting easier to wake up each morning.



I will always miss and love my Sweet Boy, Scott. Rest in peace my Sweet, Sweet Boy!

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Jenny - posted on 07/21/2009

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I am so sorry to hear about your loss I lost my son when he was only 3 months old it was 9 years ago it is a very hard thing to cope with but it will get a little easier but you will always have your days no matter how much time goes by and it will always hurt especially around birthdays and the anniversary my sons anniversary of his death is actually in just a couple of days and I am still trying to cope just remember that some people will tell you how to deal with it but dont let them cause everyone deals with things in their own way if you ever need anyone to talk to I am always here to listen

Maggie - posted on 07/21/2009

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hi Kris your son was a very special person in your family and will always be missed. charish every moment that you had together and remember all the little things that made him special to you. I know how hard that can be but give yourself time. I lost my son Jeremy feb. 7, 2008 he was in the Navy from pnuemonia and head trauma he collaped on base and was taken to a civilian hospital for head trauma afractured skull and never treated for pnuemonia he died 2 days later. we have a memorial garden at home I take flowers to his grave once a month and my boy scout troop that I am scoutmaster to jeremy was my assist scoutmaster and was a scout 8 years in our troop, they brought him a memorial brick in our city walk



Maggie proud mom of Josh:Army, Natasha, Jeremy:Navy[Deployed to Heaven 2-07-08],and Marcus



Only two defining forces ever offered to die for you, Jesus Christ and the American GI. The first died for your sins, the second died for your freedom...



Rest safely tonight - our sons are on duty.

Some heros wear capes - mine wears Kevlar

Marinda - posted on 07/21/2009

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Hi Kris, no matter how tmusch time has passed we are always emotionally in a state of mourning, and you`ve got all of my symphaties. Our daughter were 20 when she passed over and me also didn`t want to or acknowledge thae fact that she was gone, the pain were at times so much that it felt as if I could not breath, we also had her cremated, but we had build her a beautifull angels garden in our bigger garden, it is a wonderfull place of peace tranquility, with all off her angels, fairies, dramcatcher and windcharms. Her daddy had made her a cross from all of her semi precious stones that she had collected and there are a bench to sit and enjoy. we have planted lots of plants, especially roses and we all always burn a candle for her their, so you can make yourself a place where you can feel its your place to have some time with Scott. It must have been very difficult that your daughter in law hadn`t include you in the plans concerning his funeral arrangements, it must feel as a mom as if all plans concerning your angels was taken from your hands. I hope that you will continue to find more peace but just know that you will never stop grieving, that you will be doing untill the day that it`s your time to meet up with Scott again. All of my love and blessings to you

Karen - posted on 07/20/2009

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That sounds so lovely. What a great idea to build a Gazebo in honor of his memory. I'm sure the strength you need will be there when the time comes. It sure is hard to let the surviving ones live their lives without having a lot of anxiety about them. Most of the time I just try to remember that worrying about it won't change anything, it certainly doesn't protect them and it does take its toll on us.

It sounds like you have done a great job raising your sons and they seemed to have turned out to be very loving and responsible adults. Peace.

Kris - posted on 07/20/2009

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Hi Karen, Thank you so much for you response. My husband just finished building a Gazebo in Scott's memory and I have purchased a couple of plaques that I will put up. We have plans of planting flowers around it and have a memorial for him inviting all his friends that were at the funeral once it is completely done. I pray that I find the strength. I do think alot about losing one of my other son's. If that were to happen they might as well just bury me! I would absolutly lose it! Right after Scott's death I know that I was extremely overprotective of Kevin and Michael and they understood and put up with it. I have slacked off, but I still worry every time they go out. Kevin has just started a new job with Rockdale's Sheriff Department as a Sheriff's deputy and Michael and his fiance just moved to Texas. This dosen't help much, but they have to spread their wings and start their own lives and I am very proud of both of them.



I'm sure I will find peace once I accept that he is really gone.



Thanks again for your soothing words.



Kris

Karen - posted on 07/20/2009

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Hi Kris. I am so sorry about the loss of your beloved son. Whenever I read or hear about moms who have lost their older children a wave of anxiety sweeps over me. There's something inside of me that says once you have lost a child you should be exempt from ever losing another one. There's another place inside of me that says, if it happened once it can happen again. That is my worst nightmare, that I would lose one of my surviving children.



It sounds like you are having a very difficult time coping with the loss of your son, and yes, coping is all you can do. You never "get over it", you never completely heal, and you will always grieve for your boy. It is natural for you to want some place where you can memorialize Scott and the accident site seems to be an acceptable place for you and your family, but you really have no control over that particular spot. You might find it helpful to have a memorial garden somewhere so you can put whatever you want in it, spend time remembering him there, and decorating it anyway you want. Just an idea. Also, most cemetaries have a place where you can place a plaque in memory of a cremated loved one. It does cost money, but so would a headstone.



If you have not already, you might want to attend a group for grieving parents, or see a grief counselor to help you through some of the tougher issues. I know there are others here on this site that have lost older children and I'm sure you will find them very helpful and supportive. Everyone here is going through similar situations and it does help to find others that understand what you are feeling.



Good luck to you and your family. I hope you find peace in your heart.

Karen

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