lost my pregnancy at 18 1/2 weeks

Diana - posted on 02/23/2009

Michelle, thank you for your story. My son just turned a year old and he and my daughter would have been 17 months apart. My first son and my other daughter are twenty months apart so I thought I would have two sets of boy and girl with my son Abe in the middle. I think that it is difficult to let go of the plans and what could have been. My older daughter wanted a sister so badly because she has 3 brothers. She feels cheated. She is taking it hard and has a lot of anger towards me and God. I feel bad for my children's grief and I'm sorry that you don't have both of your daughter's here. Thank you again for your help.

Diana - posted on 02/23/2009

Libby, Thank you so much for your story and advice. God is the main reason I am able to get up each day and take care of my family and live a semi-normal life. I have felt his presence and his love through all of this and it has defiantly comforted my children that Ezra(that's my daughter's name) is in Heaven being cared for by Jesus. I am trying hard not to be resentful that this has happened and to be grateful that I have 4 children but yes the pain does rise up when I least expect it. I was defiantly upset that my children, and husband, and even myself had to go through this level of pain when it feels like women have babies left and right. But I know in my heart that everyone experiences tragedy and I am not unique in that and I know this is the cross I carry. I really appreciate your honesty because I have felt such similar emotions to you. I admire that you talk freely about her and have her pictures and urn out. I have been so worried about upsetting the kids my husband, and the rest of my family that I have all of her things in a box and I have her urn put away. It's like I should be over it. No one wants to hear about her so I just don't talk about her except with my children, who are allowed to get whatever they want of hers out of the box when they are sad. It's just so surreal because I'm not even due until June and she's already gone. I have to say I just feel really alone and my husband already has so much on his plate with work and with the loss of Ezra I just can't burden him. I think a support group is a good idea I will look into that. Thank you again for your help.

Diana - posted on 02/23/2009

Marissa, Thank you for sharing your story and how you cope. I really like the idea of celebrating her birthday and I am going to look into the "Walk to Remember". Thank you again.

Michelle - posted on 01/25/2009

I wish I could take your pain away but, that pain never leaves. My daughter died and 16 1/2 week July 1999. Kenley Lane would have been 11 1/2 months younger than my first daughter Ramsey Brice. It is the hardest thing any parent can have to live though. I am thankful for my Ramsey but, often wonder what life would have been like with two girls less than a year apart. But God is taking care of Kenley Lane until I get to heaven. God gave me the gift Ramsey to take care of. The feelings that came with the lose of my daughter was unbearable. Everytime I saw two small sisters close in age playing at the park I would just burst into tears for years. I still cry on my due date Christmas eve. After the doctor did my ultrasound I just lost it. I still don't know how I drove 45 miles home. My mom was watching Ramsey thank God. I would just hold Ramsey crying all night and when I did sleep I was sleep walking carrying her. It never feels real! My prayers are with you.

Libby - posted on 01/25/2009

 A lot of the things you have said, I have also felt the same way.  We lost our daughter, Trina Lynn, last month...December 3rd, 2008.  I had been having bleeding problems since the beginning of my 2nd trimester.  I had bee in the ER once, hospitalized over night once, many follow ups at the doctor and still really now answers.  On the morning of Dec 3rd I had an appointment with a maternal fetal medicine specialist.  I had started bleeding much heavier than I ever had the day before the appointment so I was glad to go.  I had no idea it would be the worst day of my life.  I got an ultrasound and my baby had lost all of her amniotic fluid but was still alive.  The placenta was starting to abrupt because of the bleeding.  I went home for a few hours until I had bad contractions that went into my back and I couldn't stand it anymore, then I went to the hospital.  I delivered her at 4:56pm and I was 20 weeks and 1 day.  We brought our daughter's ashes home 6 days later.  It is unreal.  That is not how you are suppose to bring your baby home.  I too feel guilty because I have two wonderful little boys.  First pregnancy was a breeze.   Second one I had bleeding also and delivered 10 weeks early.  I've been wondering these last almost 8 weeks if our family was only good for one miracle.  But these boys are keeping me going.  They are my reason to get out of bed.

With our boys we talk about their sister a lot.  My oldest actually named her.  He knew I was pregnant before I did.  He knew it was a girl from the beginning.  And called her Trina for some reason.  So, when we had her it only seemed right that we name her Trina since my son knew so much about her and was so connected to her.  We did get to hold our daughter so we did have our boys (ages 6 1/2 & 4 1/2) come to the hospital to see her.  Some people may think that was crazy, but I feel it helps them understand that she is no longer in my stomach, but she is now in Heaven.  And since our family believes in God and Heaven it does help our boys to know without a doubt where she is.  Kids have a special innocence like that where they don't question it, they just know because they believe.  We don't grieve like those with no hope.  And thank God for that because if I didn't believe that I would see her again I think I would go crazy.  We also have pictures of her around the house.  That also might be weird to some, but she is my daughter and this is our house and I want to see her when I want to see her.  I don't want to have to dig in a drawer or cedar chest to find her pictures.  We have framed ultrasound pics as well as pics from the hospital.  Her urn is in plain sight.  We just have many things around the house that are hers.  I also bought her a Barbie for Christmas.  That's something I would've done if she had lived.  Also, thinking ahead, I plan on doing something special on her due date and on her birthday every year.  We will do something as a family for our little one.  For me I think it is important to speak her name and not let her memory die with her.  She was just so special from the beginning and she had such a special connection with her oldest brother that I just can't see any reason to let that die.  So, keep your baby's daughter's memory alive for the sake of your family.  I am pretty much still numb but have decided to go to a support group.  I don't even have 8 weeks of this experience to share with you yet, so I can't really say how I'm handling it quite yet.  But if I had to give you advice on how to handle it I would say  rely on your spouse more than ever.  For me and my husband we are closer than ever before.  Only he knows how I'm feeling because he feels it too.  It is an unexplainable connection and I'm really blessed to have his love through this.  Good luck in your grieving.  And don't feel bad when you cry because you see pregnant people or babies.  That is one thing I've noticed that pregnant people and babies come out of the woodwork when you have lost a child.  Two weeks after we had our daughter 3 people I know had babies.  There are 3 people who we know that are due when I was suppose to be due.  A friend called to tell me she was expecting.   Even a waitress at a restaurant we go to told us of her pregnancy.  I told my husband one day that it feels like a cruel joke.  I couldn't go to the store or to a restaurant or even drive down the street without wanting to cry.  In fact, when the waitress told of us of her pregnancy I felt like I was going to throw up.  It literally made me ill.  I think it was because I was finally having a good morning.  I went out to breakfast with my boys and mom and uncle, and was totally caught off guard by this.  I felt jealous and mad.  I wondered why God had given her a baby and not me.  Besides, she wasn't married, had 3 other kids, was younger than me, didn't have a great job, I didn't even know if they all had the same father.  I felt like what did I have to do to get my baby?  Do everything wrong?  I am married, I had a good job before I lost it (which ended up being OK b/c I went on bedrest for almost 6 weeks before I lost her), I had a loving husband, etc, etc.  Why was God giving everybody else babies??  Well, with all of that said, I just wanted you to know that it's perfectly normal if you feel this way.  I know most of it was all in my head and I was making too much of it.  But I had just started this process of grief and I felt like I couldn't handle everybody else's happiness.  I know that it's probably true that time will help you heal.  And your pain is fresh and new and it doesn't make a whole lot of sense right now.  I don't know that it will ever make sense because there is no understanding why a child dies before the parent.  But our daughters are in Heaven right now playing together.  God bless!

Marissa - posted on 01/23/2009

hello diana,



our first baby, Elijah, was "born into heaven" at 18 wks on Nov 9, '05. He was a tiny boy only 6 oz & 8 in long. I had just had an appointment, but my hubby was not able to get off work, the doc said everything was fine, healthy, looking good...but, then the next morning, i gave birth to Elijah.



Elijah was stillborn inside the amniotic sac which did not break. We were taken to the hospital still connected like that, in an ambulance. The paramedic held Elijah in the sac all the way to the ER and until the Dr. arrived. Afterwards, at the ER a nurse told me that I had to deliver the placenta...i totally lost it. i was numb. was this really happening? i didn't want to deliver the placenta, i wanted my baby back inside of me.



I am so sad that you have lost your precious baby. Because you have children, does not mean you are not allowed to feel the grief that you have. Even though your baby was at 18 1/2 wks, she is still your child and you are her mother. That seems simplistic when I look at what I just typed. But, in a strange way, by me telling those words to myself, has helped me with my own loss.



For every mother & father, they handle a loss differently. My husband & I, while we don't have other children, we did choose to surround ourselves with friends, their kids and our family and talk as much about it as possible. At home, I cried so much, sometimes sobbing uncontrolably, screaming, sometimes. I have slowly come out of my grief and have begun to live again. There are still times - when our hearts hurt suddenly - missing Elijah (and his sister Angel Oct.11 '06@8wks).



I journal/write poems. Sometimes I sing out loud about how I miss them. My husband & I decorate a flower vase for the holidays & their "Birthdays" and bring it when we visit the "Baby Garden" where Elijah rests. We attend the annual "Walk to Remember" and I am planning on participating in a March of Dimes walk this coming Feb in Phoenix.



I don't know if the sorrow will ever leave my heart, but I do try to live in the day, appreciate my husband and the little things more. We hope someday to have a family we can raise.



My thoughts are with you, your little baby girl and your family as you find your way.



sincerely,

marissa