Lost of faith and angry at God after losing a baby

Mimmy - posted on 01/08/2009 ( 196 moms have responded )

19

0

2

I know this is a very sensitive subject. But I want to know if anyone went through the same thing I'm going through.... Ever since our son Alex died, I have no faith and I'm very angry at God. I can't understand how supposedly a loving Father can put anyone through what we've been through.... Don't tell me he was here for a reason, it does not make any sense to me! He was here for 3 days and my life has been hell ever since he died.

Please do not reply and try to "convert" me as I do not want to hear "he was here for a reason" again - I heard it too many times. It has been 4 and a half years since Alex died and I'm still in pain everyday. I can look at the "half full glass" because I do have 2 beautiful and healthy children but my glass gets "half empty" pretty often. I wonder everyday what Alex would look like, I wonder every time even when my 2 kids fight if Alex would be fighting with them or not. How would he do in school..... I'm sad and angry and I just want to know "why me"...

This conversation has been closed to further comments

196 Comments

View replies by

Veronica - posted on 05/10/2010

22

17

2

When my son passed away I went through the same thing. I was angry at God for why would He take my baby away from me and all I can say is that you need to hold onto your faith and realize that you will never know why God chose to take your son, Alex away from you just as I will never know why He took Joe Michael away from me. The only thing that helps me get through it is having my other three kids. Only God knows why He does what He does and I know you don't want to hear it but everything happens for a reason. Maybe you dont see the big picture now and maybe you wont see it anytime soon but when God wants you will see it. And it wont make things better, but it might make them a little clearer. I too wish that Joe Michael was still around and playing with his 2 brothers and his sister. I also wonder what he would look like at the age of two and I will never know. But I do tell you this, everything that you go through will only make you stronger. Who knows maybe one day what you are going through will help someone else. The pain will never go away, at least thats how I see it. Be grateful that yhou had Alex in your life for a short while than never at all. There are mothers out there who never got to hold their baby in their arms as they took their first breath or were even alive. I will always be grateful that I had my son for two and a half months than not at all. I hope that my "words of wisdom" will help you out, even if just a little bit. Take care and if you need someone to talk to, I am here. God bless you!

Amy - posted on 05/10/2010

50

28

3

my daughter was stillborn at 34 weeks from potters syndrome. idk y it happens but there was a poem i got from the funeral home and basically told me that god takes babys every now and again to help make heaven beautiful. he knows it hurts so he doesnt do it often. but they make heaven pretty. prolly not what you wanted to hear but it made me feel better.

Delina - posted on 11/07/2009

21

23

4

All i came to realize is that God is just as mad and sad as us.He doesnt want to see us go though this but he his there walking us though it. It wasnt his time and it wasnt the plan. Your right god loves us why would he hurt us. Im in the same place right now my daughter died in a freak accident and its hard but u will be ok. the anger will go. I hope my thoughts on the matter help

Jessica - posted on 11/07/2009

1

0

0

The anger you feel and the limitless feelings of sadness that so easily overwhelm you as though it just happened yesterday are still evident with me...my boy died in 2005.

My faith keeps me sane for my other two kids...but I too have questioned why God allows such painful things to happen.Asking why does'n't make my days any easier but trying to be grateful for the other kids I have seems to lessen my frustrations.My intention in writing this to you is not to convert...but to ease the feelings that no one will understand because I do.

Zoe - posted on 11/07/2009

4

34

0

i know exactly what you mean, i have 3 living daughters lauren 10 macey 7 and abi 3, i got pregnant late 2008 and at my 21 week scan we were told that our baby had potters syndrome and had 0 % chance of life as this condition means he had no bladder or kidneys, we had the choice to end the pregnancy or wait to deliver our son and watch him litterally suffocate as his lungs would not have develpoed with no amniotic fluid needless to say after a lot of soul searching our son was born still 3 days after our diagnoses he was the most beautifull littl boy tiny at 14 ounces, a few months passed and we unexpectadly fell pregnant again we held our breath until our 16 week scan to be told wether our baby would have potters we were told we were carrying a healthy baby girl we were so happy that we were given another chance and that god had given us another chance our 21 week scan went well my cervix was measured as i have had a 34 and 35 weeker and we were told all was well sadly at 22 weeks 3 days i went into labour and 3 short hours later our beautiful baby girl was born alive and breathing for herself however because she was born before 23 weeks the doctors refused to help her and she died in her daddies arms at 3 and a half hours old i am soooo angry to think about why this happened to us again :(

Abby - posted on 11/05/2009

11

23

0

I am in your boat! I lost my son @ 3 months 13 days. He was born on my birthday 9-19-07 and passed on 01-01-08. They had no answers for me and the damn thing the police kept telling me was, "it'll all be ok". NO! It's NOT OK! I still don't understand what happened and we are still trying to find the reason of his death. I've been recently informed it was bc of my Paxil use during pregnancy that he didn't form correct neural tubes or heart valves. First they said SIDS...the death with no answers...now this. I still haven't figured out either why God would EVER make us go through this. I've been told the same as u too...it was for a 'reason'. Well that's not damn good enough for me and what did I do so wrong to deserve this? It's not been that long but I'm at least glad to have found someone else with the same anger and questions as me! I really have no answers but want to extend my heart and hand to you as we are paddling in the same river. I too have two other girls but it's still not the same as having my boy here and knowing what he'd be doing. There are days I cannot seem to get through and Dr's answers seem to be drugs. It's weird your son's name was Alex...my son's name was Baine Alexander....well I know I'm not much help but you can chat w/ Me ANY time on this! The rest of the world seems to be too sensitive to this subject unless it's happened to them. Just know you are NOT alone.

Heather - posted on 11/05/2009

29

21

2

 I am sorry that your pastor didn't baptize your baby. One of my sons was born silent the other I was blessed to have an hour with, although in that hour I was dying, but I didn't want help because I would have missed time with him the little time we had. Silly but I guess that just proves we would die for our children. But the Pastor at the hospital even though he didn't believe in baptizing children did it for me. I begged and he baptized my sons with water. I didn't want "the Sins of the father ( or mother for that matter)" to fall on them. He assured me they wouldn't pay for our sins. But for my peace of mind he hummored me and baptized them in the spirit with Holy water from the hospitals chaple.  I do not know this man. But I know he was there praying for me in surgery when they were trying to save my life. I believe he's the reason I am here. no one expected me to live. But I love that man for giving a dying and grieving mother peace, and going on to pray for my safety. I know that the bible says that children are absloved but I needed to be 100% sure they were going to be ok. And I am glad he hummored me. I really wish more pastors would hummor us, what is the harm in blessing a child breathing or not?!



 

[deleted account]

I like the way someone said "none of us wanted to be in this club" but here we are talking about these losses. I lost a baby girl -stillborn when I was 7.5 mos pregnant. She had trisome 18 and a hole in her heart, and her stomach in her chest cavity...but with only one of those problems, she could have been healed by the wonderous doctors in five other states. I lost this soul 8 yrs ago.
One of the nicest things someone sent me was a book. I found it a good book to share with others, "Mommy Dont' Cry." http://www.angelfire.com/amiga/legobeave... You can find it at this site to read.
I lost my little girl, Mika Kaylen after a shadow on an ultrasound didn't quite look right, the day after my birthday. I went to the specialist for a 3-D (new at that time) ultrasound...and heard all this news with my mom (a nurse) sitting right beside my husband and myself. We only heard half or less. The baby had her fists gripped, which is a sign that she was in pain. I knew that this little life inside of me was going to die. I had a few weeks. Two for disbelief and grief. Then I had a few more weeks and my body was getting toxic and I had pneumonia, and cracked some ribs coughing...and then I felt movement of the baby less and less. So on a Friday night I said that it was alright for the baby to stop fighting. She had put up a great fight. She had overcome what I would never have survived. This baby of mine had bigger and better things to be doing than being of this world. She had places to go, things to accomplish, and her soul had chosen to be with mine for a short 7.5 mos. On Monday I went to work, called the doctor and said I was pretty sure there was no heart beat. (But what would I know...it was my first pregnancy, and I was so sick) The doctor had me come in Monday and there was no heartbeat...I then checked into the hospital later for 36 hrs of natural child birth. The mom across the hall during my delivery had a crying baby boy. I remember thinking about how silent my room was at the birth. I remember thinking I would never ask any live child of my own to ever be quiet. I have alway kept contact with that mom, imagining what my little girl would look like, how tall she would be, what types of things she would be doing ...since this other mom attends our church. I think the other mom felt so horrible to know our news, and to know that right across the hall was death.
I had prayed with our youth pastor at our church when I first found out all the details of our daughter struggling for life. And after the birth I was so sad to know that a baptism cant happen for a dead baby. I don't know what I was thinking... of course you are baptised into the life of Christ when you are alive. So the pastor did a blessing with a sea shell that I keep safe, for the baby that no human could save. That was the worst for me. Knowing that permanence and weight of death. I held her as her skin turn dark and from life like to not...and we have photos that I don't think I need to look at to know the feeling of her lifeless body compared to the life of breath I hoped she would have.
I heard all types of well meaning sentences and quips. Many of them made me mad. I remember biting my tongue to not "bite" back with some quippy saying...and I found myself hoarding books about how to talk to people who have had a loved one die. I gave those books away at each death that followed...I never paid so much attention to deaths around me before then...and to how I could help or talk with others about it.
I never had anger at God, though. The Devil had his part in this death, and God made the best of it, providing me with Christ's love and care for months before and after this baby's death.
The death of a child never leaves. I do not ever feel comfort in hearing about angels nor do I exactly fear death as much anymore. I do not think our Mika is my personal angel. I do think she was called to do something earth shattering for God, though. She was a fighter, and must have been needed somewhere very quickly. I do believe in angels being inside of us and around us. I am an artist, so angels have intrigued me for a long time...as have many other topics, but I find myself reading about them and looking for photos of them or paintings of them...like searching for her face among the angels in other's images of them.
I still find it hard to celebrate. Just to worship at church is still a bit blah for me. I am so happy for others, and glad to have a healthy baby boy a year + after the funeral of our first born...but I worship in a different way. I find it hard to sing songs...though I have been in choirs for years. I find it great to listen, but not to participate with my voice as often, but I still feel like I am worshiping with playing my cello and with painting murals at our church.(I am an artist/teacher) I now have a seven yr old son, and he knows a bit about his older sister. Just enough to know I loved her dearly and that she could not stay here very long.
I pray less for world peace(that would be all of us dead) and more for peace in your heart. If you can "peace" your world together...it may be a better world for the people that you see and can help everyday.

Heather - posted on 11/04/2009

29

21

2

I did lose both my sons at the same time and it dose suck but there is comfort if you want it.

Heather - posted on 11/04/2009

29

21

2

Read the book of Job. God and Satan took bets on his faithfulness and Satan killed his whole family, took everything he had, and he remained faithful to God. I lost my sons 2 years ago. I was angry. everyone told me this was when I would see 1 set of foot prints in the sand because God would be carrying me. I said I don't want him to carry me I was doing just fine until he did this to me! I will be a child throwing a fit and I will hit him and kick him and scream PUT ME DOWN! and I did. But he's big enough to handle it. You can be mad at God You can scream and curse him and at the end of the day he still loves you. He's trying to comfort you and he can if you let him. I wanted to puke every time someone told me that he had a reason for taking my boys from me. So I get that you hate hearing it. It wasn't to punish you. It was to reward your child. We are all here to learn our lessons so we can be reunited with God. Our Children were prefect they needed to learn so little that he took them right back home. And what you have lost will be restored to you. God promised us that. But we have to be on the path to heaven ourselves for that to happen. I know where my children are. I know I want to see them again. So I have stopped screaming and blaming God I apologized for my awful words and behavior and I walk with him. Because he has promised me that I will see my sons again, someday. And Someday is better than NEVER. I hope you find your faith again. It really helps to take the hurt away. But when you are ready. God doesn't want you back half hearted. He's waiting for you and would love nothing more than to forgive you and comfort you and heal you.

Kristin - posted on 11/03/2009

721

45

4

I feel exactly the same way and always worry that if I open that can of worms that I will here all the same things about "he was here for a reason" and "God needed him more than I did". That just makes me angrier. My 12 year old son died in a car accident a little over 6 years ago and I still am not able to understand and don't think I ever will. I find myself really sad and upset at different milestones. Jason wasn't into girls yet and I wonder when he would have become interested. What is 16th birthday would have been like and oh my gosh...him wanting to drive. This past school year he would have graduated from high school. I also continue to get things for him to look at different colleges, etc. What a stab in the heart that is when you open the mailbox. I feel lucky that I had found out I was pregnant 3 days before the car accident and have a wonderful 5 year old son. But often I think about how would it have been with BOTH my boys at the same time. It sucks and I often wonder "why me" too. I know this is a group that none of us would like to be a part of but we can offer each other support, understanding and friendship.



If you ever need or want to chat, let me know.



Kristin Kennedy

I work from home and I love it!

http://www.MySonFirst.com

Sarah Jane - posted on 11/01/2009

1

16

0

Hello! Just been a member of this community and i read your story. I'm so sorry for your lost and other mothers similar painful experience too. Just like you and everyone else here i also lost my baby girl. She was almost 32 weeks when I was hospitalized due to pre eclampsia in Aug.29,2009. I undergone ceasarian delivery on Sept.1,2009 and my baby died Sept.3,2009. I'm so devastated when she died. I havent got the chance to see her alive or hear her cry. The nurses wheelchaired me to the nursery room where my baby's incubator located. Her pedia let me see her. She was a beautiful little angel (1.2kgs). I touched her hands and feet but I couldn't carry her or hug her because at that moment I couldn't coz in my mind she is so precious for me to carry her. Until now the pain is still here in my heart and everytime I would look in her few pictures that her dad take, I would still cry. I thought I'm losing my mind for feeling this way but after I read stories here in this community I was relieved thinking that I'm not alone. I'm not alone in a way that feeling for her child this way. I did not blame God but I asked God why did He allow this to happen to me and my child? You know what? I'm greatful that He revealed it to me a few days after that. He wants me to experience His "Miracle" that He saved my life - given me a second chance in life and that He wanted me to do something which is the purpose of all humankind that is to serve Him and praise only Him. I hope this story of mine help you in any other way in easing some of your pain. Thank you for your time and I'm also glad to air my pain to you who knows my situation. God bless you. and Hey! Try to talk to Him. He is just waiting for you.....

Ronél - posted on 10/31/2009

3

17

1

Hi

I feel the same and it has been 21 years since my baby girl , Jeanelle passed away . She died at the age of 4.5 months due to meningitis. Like u said , life has never been the same, never thought that a small little word 'death' could change my whole life ... to never ever be the same again ??? I sometimes make peace with it , but when other people have healthy kids and don't want them or abuse them , then i also aks , why my child , why me ??? I have no got her safely tucked in my heart where no none can touch her till the day i die . I wish a childs death on no mother still alive , i think we carry the loss with us till the day we die ....

Angel - posted on 10/31/2009

3

29

0

Hi I think I know how you feel . I am a born again Christian who has lost 3 babies to miscarriage . When I lost my first one ( who was actually my second pregnancy - I have one 5 year old son who has Chiari Malformation ) , I went thru the motions . And eventually found peace . When I lost my second , my dr did tests . I found out my daughter died because of Trisomy 13 . And it was expected that both my miscarried children must have had this . Then this past summer I began cramping . I went to the bathroom only to discover I was about to pass a massive blood clot ( suspected miscarriage #3 ) . When you lose a child , you want answers . You want to know why you ever were able to get pregnant in the first place , only to lose this precious child . It's always going to be something you struggle with . This is not something you will EVER get over / past . My own mother , after my first miscarriage , actually told me "it's not as if you ever got to even hold this child , why is it stopping your whole life ?" When a mother loses a child , it does end their existance as they knew it . It changes you forever . You will neer be the same person again . You will always yearn for this child , you will always miss this child - every day . You will probably always in the back of your head think the way you do about what he is missing out on . Because that's just how a mother feels . You can't change it . But it is possible to find alittle peace so you can live without as much guilt . I don't know about you , but one of the questions that always went thru my mind was "what did I do wrong ? " The guilt will eat you up if you let it . I asked the same questions you do about God everyday after losing my children . Your heart is completly broken , and you feel betrayed . You can't understand how God could do this to you after how faithful you were to Him . Am I getting close to how you feel ? I felt all of this . Then slowly , the pain started to go away little by little . Til finally I was able to pray again . Then very slowly , I went back to church again . And after some time , I began to forgive God for taking my precious children away . I still don't understand . But I have to believe that my answers will come one day . And I have to have faith that I will finally have all four of my children together one day in heaven . I'm so sorry for your loss .

Olga - posted on 10/31/2009

6

7

0

I totally understand.. my son was four when he passed away to a rare blood disorder that he developed while in utero... he went thru 96 blood transfusion, 12 surgeries and last a bone marrow transplant that killed him... my son lived a somewhat normal life , .. i feel that my son earned the right to be normal and cured... so why not give him that miracle.. im angry at god but not for my loss but for not giving my son a chance that he well deserved... and when people tell me that it was the best thing because he was suffering, i tell them to go @#335%#$$$% themselves.. God could have stopped his suffering my curing him, and this was the best thing for who?, obviously not for him nor me.... I also have 2 other children and believe me i know god is out there but he is not my friend at the moment..Im so glad that im not the only one that feels this way, i taught i was going crazy....

Jessica - posted on 10/30/2009

7

15

0

i was preg with my 3rd child and she was stillborn...i lost it...i physically could not take care of my other 2 kids and it was horrible...its hard to loose a child and not blame god...and i did this myself...but a few weeks after i lost her i was driving my car on the highway and my hood flew up and hit my windshield....i was going like 65 mph and there were cars behind me even a semi..and somehow i managed to pull of to the side of the road safely and i think my baby is my guardian angel and god took her to protect my family....and thats how i finally came to it that he took her not to hurt me but to help me...it hurts alot i still cry everyday but she is my angel and im thankful she is up there takin care of me....

Sandra - posted on 10/30/2009

19

1

0

Part of any loss is anger. I am christian but I was still angry at God, each time I lost a baby. It was part of the process for me . Ultimately in the end it brought me closer to him but it was a part of a journey I had to take to get to where I am now. I still think of them often and remember all the days (due dates, days they died). They were all girls and (due to lupus) have determined I'll never give birth to a live girl (part of the genetics)

I think it's wonderful it you can say"it was God's will" He was here for a reason( while there is truth there) but NOT EVERYONE CAN DEAL WITH THAT COMMENT!!!!!!! I couldn't. I am strong in my faith but it was a great moment of weakness and a huge time to overcome. I still think about them all the time( after 10+years) and when my girlfriend was dying, she made me promise to look after her daughter she was leaving behind, and said she'd find my girls and be with them.

Is there a support group for grieving parents in your area, It good to be in a group where everyone has walked in your shoes, and knows your pain. I think the" why me" will never be answered. It's like you have to answer the kids "because" I do think we will learn something about the process and we will stronger and better for the experience You have amazing strength and make sure you give your self credit for the Good mom you are to your other children. Alex was lucky to have you for a mom, He was so loved. I am going to pray for you. Sometimes we need others to pray for us when we feel we can't.

Sharon - posted on 08/05/2009

42

20

6

I just want to share my story and I pray it helps others. My son Joseph was born still born just a little over two months ago. When they couldn't find his heart beat in the hospital, they brought in the sonogram, I'll never forget the sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach when I saw my son still. I kept waiting for him to move but nothing. I think that memory will stay with me forever. When my doctor looked at me and said "i'm sorry" I said no...this is not over!!! I need to call my church! See, I have been taught that God is a good God...He is a healing God...and that He loves me. I had fifteen people from my church come to pray for my baby to be resurrected and healed. They stayed with me and prayed for over three hours. During this time we not only prayed but we worshiped God. My baby was not resurrected but here is the miracle. I went from knock me out and give me a C-section and drugs and don't wake me up,,, to having a very peaceful birth (and a very funny birth because I was carrying about 30lbs of water,,,no kidding! I looked like I was having twins...I measured about 45 cm). When Joseph was born I held him in my arms and kissed his little hands. It was very peaceful...there was no anger...at least not at God. God was and has been with me every step of the way and I can't help but think it may be due to the fact that we worshiped Him in the middle of our pain. Now I can't take credit for this at all...if I hadn't had the support that we had at that moment I can't say it would have turned out this way...remember...I wanted to have a c-section and drugs to numb the pain. Prayers work and I still tell my friends to keep praying because I know they do work! As far as my husband...he is llike many of yours...doesn't show his grief...works a lot so he doesn't have time to deal with it...doesn't talk about it, ect. so this is what I do...I have started having what I call grief dates...we go out either to the prayer chapel or someplace quiet and we pray together and talk about Joseph and what we miss or whatever. Sometimes they need a little push because they think they have to be strong for us. I told my husband I need him to talk about Joseph...as his mommy I need to make sure his daddy doesn't forget him. It's my small way of taking care of him the only way I can now. I also want to share my letter I wrote to Joseph just after I got home from the hospital. I hope it ministers to someone here...And let me say also how very sorry I am for all your losses and I pray you make it back to a place of being able to worship God in the middle of your pain...because even though there may not be anger...the pain is still great...but to me...Gods' love is greater! and for that I am very thankful!!

My precious baby Joseph



It’s hard! I miss you so much! I sometimes wonder how I’m going to make it without you but I go on because of your strength. You went on…you stayed in there for me. You fought for life so that I could fight for you. And I did. We all did. We all believed. Faith was abundant but that did not bring you back to me. God had a bigger purpose for you and God chose me as a vessel of honor and I feel so privileged. Yet so sad because my arms ache to hold you just once more. I never knew your tiny fingers grasping mine or those little lips searching eagerly for nourishment. Your heart beating against my chest as you sleep or the sweet feel of dew as my lips touched your forehead in a kiss. I shall never know these things because you were gone too soon. But in this God was good! For you never had to experience pain and sickness. You never had to experience struggling for your next breath. You never had to experience rejection or embarrassment. For in this God had a plan. While you were alive in me, God created a great big swimming pool of comfort and warmth. Just for you! A place where you would know love and be loved even though we were yet to see your face… We only knew you for what seemed a short time but developed a love that would last a lifetime. I still remember your daddy’s face when I told him God was giving us another one to love…you…he was so happy! We never knew that day what Joy and grief would mingle on the day of your birth. We laughed, we cried, we hoped, and we believed but our dreams for you were not to be realized. For God is a Good God and He had bigger plans for you,, You were to be special , not like everyone else, you were to carry a great anointing that would be evident on the day of your birth. You were to be a Warrior, a World Changer. Instead of your life being saved…you were chosen Joseph Evan to be a little seed that was allowed to die in order to produce a harvest of resurrected lives. What the enemy has meant for evil God has changed to Good! Many lives have been and will continue to be touched by you. Your death will not be in vain! Your dad and I will never stop knocking on heavens door asking for Gods resurrection power to be released over this land. You will be a seed that produces much fruit. We will declare in the face of God’s enemy “God is Good; His loving kindness is everlasting, and His faithfulness continues to all generations“. We will always love and miss you! And you always will be my ‘Mighty Warrior’, my Hero, my precious baby Joseph!

I Love you! Mom

Mandy - posted on 03/25/2009

24

23

0

Dear Mimmy

Trying to convert you is the wrong thing to do. Everyone goes through different emotions. We also have 2 beautifull kids and also feels half empty as you do somedays better than others. This is a emotion that you will have to sort for yourself. Being angry sad hart broken. I'ts been 7 years for me and just going on

Anita - posted on 03/24/2009

6

36

0

I found out that our baby had a fatal birth defect during a routine ultrasound, and while I grieve 8 years later my deepest grief was upon learning how little time we would have with her. I can't say I was angry with God because this woke me up to seeing life as a real gift no matter how long or short is is- none of us is assured we'll see tomorrow. I grumbled over my morning sickness, but from that point as long as she was inside of me she was alive, and I had to cherish that. Sure we prayed for miracles and wanted her to be healthy. My husband, I and our 5 other children were together with her for her entire 7 days of life just loving her- and crying together for her too, but when I think back 7 days were her complete life, all loved by her family. I don't know why me either, I don't have answers for your anger, but for me healing began by thanking God for my baby and life itself. Like I said earlier none of us is guaranteed tomorrow, but we can choose to treasure yesterday and today-our heartaches as well.

Lora - posted on 03/24/2009

8

26

0

My son would have been 6 in May and I still dont go to god. Even my "Pastor" agreed it is normal to be angry at god! Well I still am and dont see it getting any better!



I got soo mad at people who would say ...

He is in a better place now! WTH he was happy as a lark and safe with me, he wasnt sick or hurting!



God's son died too he knows how you feel. UMMMMM No total opposite! He got to watch from a distince his child grow into a man and when he died he went to his dad, Not ripped away from him!



I want my son home daily, Im not spending all my day on it but its that little wish that is always there! I am here to heal me and my kids, the best I can do is stay strong. I have forced myself to move forward, not move past! He will be with me till I die! Just as all my kiddos!

Im just mad cause I didnt get enough time, not enough memories, not enough pics, JUST PLAIN NOT ENOUGH! So I also ask why any child to be taken away!

Anita - posted on 03/23/2009

7

0

0

My dearest Mimmy: I lost my 7th child(a boy) when he was 6 weeks old.  I can understand you all the way about being angry at God... I was for a long gtime too.  I soon got pregnant again only to have a daughter this time.  I find myself woondering what my Quinton would look like ( me or my husband) whould he have the same warped sense of humor some of the other kids do.  Quinton has been gone for 13 years now and yes I stillhave a hard time from time to time.  I think the worse times for me is his Birthday and the day that he died.  Can I ask you when Alex died, how long has it been?  Please exchange letters with me as we can help each other





Trisha - posted on 03/22/2009

32

14

3

I feel ya. I often feel the same way. I don't know why our babies had to die. I don't think my son is in a better place. I do like to believe that he is still present with me every day, and although it doesn't give me comfort to hear that he is an angel, or that he is with God, I try to have faith. It's hard to believe in God after such a heavy loss, and I think it's okay to question it. You're human right? All I know is that he has some serious explaining to do when I get up there! I will say a prayer for you today that maybe you will find some peace. I wish that we all can find some peace. It's the most f-ed up thing that can happen to a person. I wish you all the best.

Mandy - posted on 03/22/2009

3

4

0

im not a "churchy" person at all in fact the only time ive been to chuch was funerals and the batismal of my son. I had a early miscarrige and then another one when i was 5 months along then finally i went full term and gave birth to a beautiful baby boy Devin. Devin was born with a hole in his heart wich closed almost fully by the time he was 2 and also sicklebetathalasemia ( a blood disorder). All the doctors were positive and never mentioned death. when Devin was 9 months old he developed an undecended testicle and needed surgery by the time he was one. I decided to baptise him before his surgery; nothing big just a quick little ceremony. When Devin was just shy of his 3rd birthday his blood clotted in his spleen and within hours he was dead. i hated god i actually punched the clergery they sent at the hospital and told her there was no such thing as god. I felt that way for about 2 weeks. Then the pastor who baptised Devin called me and we were setting things up for the funeral when he said i know this is probably hard to hear right now but it is very strange that God took your son on the same day you gave Devin to him. with a bit of an attitude i said I didnt give my son to anyone... he was stolen from me. The pastor said you baptised him on the very same day he died 2 years ago. From that moment on i believed Devin was taken for a reason. why i probably will never know and that still hurts. But to be mad at a "man" that is taking care of my son when i cant is scary to me.Since Devin i was blessed with 4 more children my oldest son was born 9 months after Devin past. I believe everything happens for a reason and we will not be challenged with anything we are not strong enough to handle. nobody said it will be easy. i miss my baby everyday and it's been 8 years. but i can remember that day like it was yesterday. what is important is to listen and be intuned to the little signs they send us.Lights flickering, pennies or dimes from heaven, certain songs that seem to be on when your feeling your worst. I dont believe in coincedences. my first mothers day with out devin my tv turned on and it was Tarzan Youll be in my heart. one of devin's favorite movies and my favorite part. so pay attention and acknowlege what you see smell or hear. your not crazy they are still with us, we just cant see them!

Angela - posted on 03/22/2009

37

29

5

Hello all,



Here's my story. In January 2008 I found out I was pregnant. A few days after I found out I began to bleed and went to the ER. They told me that I had a threatened miscarriage and to take it easy. A few days later, the bleeding occured again. I was told again I had a threatened miscarriage. 2 threatened miscarriages within the first 10 weeks of my pregnancy. 



I went into labor at 27 weeks. On 6./17/08 at 8:38am Angel Iyanna Dixon was born. 2 pounds 1 ounce and 13 3/4 inches long. They had to put her on a ventilator for her to breathe. The very next day they removed the ventilator and placed her on a CPAP. The doctors told me that she had a 50% chance of survival. I prayed everyday for my baby to make it through. My prayers were answered. She was discharged from the hospital, 99 days after she was born, on 9/24/08.



I stayed at home with Angel until Nov. 10th and had to put her in daycare. My fiance had a co-worker whose children went to a home daycare. Angel went there for about  months and was doing fine. She was a happy and healthy baby. She had no long term side effects from being born 13 weeks early.



On 2/17/09 I got a call from the babysitter. She told me that she found Angel unresponsive and not breathing and that the EMTs were trying to revive her. I jetted down the stairs at my office building and got to my car. A co-worker of mine drove me to the babysitters house. It took us 30 minutes to get there and for 30 minutes I prayed harder than I have ever prayed.



This time my prayers were not answered. When I arrived the Sheriff's officers told me that they couldn't save her. My 8 month old baby was dead. I could not believe it. I had just changed my facebook status to say "time is flying by; my baby is 8 months old today" about 3 minutes before I got the call.



I had to wait 3-4 hours for the police to do their investigation. I had to sit and wait to see my child. When I saw here she was laying on a king sized bed without anything on except a thin sheet covering up her lower half. She was soo cold. I kissed her and held her hand. They would let me hold her at all. A few days later I found out the timeline of my baby's last day on earth.



Apparently the babysitter put Angel on the kingsize bed on her back with some sort of toy at 12 noon. She didn't go back to check on her until about 12:45 and by that time Angel had flipped over and passed away. She was all alone on that big bed with no one to help her. I am so angry I dont' know what to do. for her to have gone through so much, for her to have fought so hard to survive, and to have her pass away at her babysitters house all alone at 8 months old made me question whether God really exsists. But I quickly stopped questioning God.



They couldn't determine a cause of death. They ruled it SIDS because they had no other explanation. How could this happen to us. We loved Angel soo much. We prayed and thanked God everyday for our precious Angel. I was so tired of everyone saying "she's in a better place", "God needed his Angel back", and most of all "God will not put more on you than you can bare". It's only been 4 weeks and 5 days. The healing process is just beginning. I know God will help me through this. I don't know why my baby passed away. I will never understand. But I have to keep living. I live because my little Angel can't. I must press on for her. She never liked to see me cry so I try not to. I try to think of all the positive things she brought to my life. We must not question God. Just try to trust in his word. Trust me I know its hard but my faith is all I have left.

Christine - posted on 03/04/2009

7

20

1

I lost my daughter, Lily, 6 years ago from SIDS/ positional exphixia at the age of 3 1/2 months. I am haunted everyday by the sight of her lifeless body in my arms when I found her. I was never really sure about God before, but now, I am certain there is no loving and just God. And if there is a God, he's not worth my faith. He took away the one thing that made my life worth living. How can a loving God take away such a beautiful, innocent child and let horrible people, like my ex's, still live causing only pain and suffering where ever they go? I wish I had other children to keep me sane through these years, but sadly, I do not. I've had to go through this horrible pain alone, Living alone for 6 years. There is no good reason that God would do this to anyone.

Mandi - posted on 03/03/2009

4

19

1

Hello! I am with you! I lost my son Dominik 2 years ago tomorrow and everyday I ask why! How could a "god" that is to be so wonderful take something so precious? I battle with it everyday and too like you said it doesnt get any easier and I do still care angry!! I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone!!

Sarah - posted on 03/03/2009

19

68

1

I think everyone can only respond according to their own experience.  I can't say how you should feel or that how you deal with your grief is wrong.  All I can say is what has happened to me, and hope that someone out there might find comfort and hope from my experience.



I'm 28 years old.  I've been watching other people's kids since I was 11.  I've pretty much wanted to be a mom my whole life.  I got married april 21, 07 at 26, my husband was 30 and we both were in agreement that we didn't want birth control because we wanted that to be left in God's control.  It took us 11 months with no birth control to get pregnant (March 08).  We were completely psyched and spread the word quickly.  I was 5 weeks pregnant when I had the positive pregnancy test and announced it to everyone.  A short week later I unexpectedly started bleeding and experienced my first miscarriage at just 6 weeks (April 08).  What a let down.  We weren't overly discouraged from this, sad, disappointed yes, but not discouraged.  We still were in agreement not to use birth control and to just go ahead and see what God had in store for us.  In June of 08 we again got pregnant.  We made it past week 6, phew!, we made it through the first trimester, phew! we announced it to the world and thought for sure nothing could go wrong.  At 22 weeks (Nov 08) I had just had a great ultrasound at 20 weeks, baby was great, no problems, I had just started actually feeling him moving around, and then no movement.  Dr's visit confirmed my fear that he was gone.



At anyone's worst moment in life, we have a choice.  A choice to turn to God or away from God.  No one would blame me if I turned away.  I had a very legitimate reason.  Anyone would certainly understand if I chose to give up.



For me, that was no option at all.  I believe that God uses all things in our lives to make us stronger, to make us turn towards Him for His help and comfort.  Since the loss of my son Joshua I have loved God all the more.  Every day I prayed over my pregnancy, and everyday I told God that this baby was His.  I gave Joshua to God.  Before he died.  While he was alive and well.  So when he died, I chose to accept the fact that this child was not mine, it was God's.



The God I serve understands our feelings, our hurts, our grief, our anger.  I don't believe He holds it against us.  I believe He wants us to go ahead and tell Him how we feel.  Go ahead yell, scream, cry- because you know what, you're right it doesn't make sense to us at all.  But if we just dismiss God, is there any hope left in this life?  I choose to put my life into God's control, whether He ever chooses to give me children or not (I realize this is a group for people with kids after a loss, but I don't have any yet)  I do believe God loves us all.  I do believe God wants the best for us.  The problem is that the world is not as God intended it to be.  He allows us the choice to follow Him or not.  There is no force.  But there is a clear alternative. 



To anyone reading this I will say 3 more quick things, I know this is long but it is a topic that brings a lot of response!



1. If you choose to make it through this, how many people might you be able to offer hope to- just look at this site ( I didn't even know it existed until today!) There are a lot of people in the wolrd who have experience the same, or similar incidences of death.  God comforts us in our trials so we can in turn comfort others.



2. God does not promise us tomorrow.  He does not promise us another day.  He does not owe it to us.  He gives as He sees fit.  It is our choice alone how we will use our moments. 



3. Do you think it's at all possible that God knew something we didnt' know?  I believe my son is safe and whole and I can't wait to meet him in heaven.  I choose not to question God's sovereignty.  But the choice is for each to make for themselves.

Heather - posted on 02/24/2009

53

6

7

I just lost my son a month ago...so I think I am still pretty numb.  I spent the first 3 weeks so angry at God I could spit nails.  Then I found out my son had Down Syndrome.  And that day it hit me.  Even before I knew, even if I would have never known why my son died (complications due to DS) God knew that this world was no place for my son to be.  God did what was best for my son, not me.  I've gotten into the mind frame of thinking that I was just collateral damage.  I say this a lot.  In my own selfishness I still thought I wanted a Logan with DS over a dead Logan, but upon doing research about DS I know that there are so many horrible complications that come along with it.  So many die before their first birthday, most before their 40.  And after learning about the snydrome I knew so little about previously I have really had to believe that Logan's death wasn't just some random act of violence from God.  He really did do what was best for Logan, and not me.  I have to believe that Logan's life would have been harder than I can even imagine.  God spared my son, and perhaps my family, from a lifetime of pain and sorrow.  Admitedly it doesn't stop me from asking why God gave Logan to us in the first place if he was going to die anyway, or why Logan had to have DS to begin with.  I ask God that every day.  Why MY son?  Why did he create life THAT month with THAT egg?  Why do we have to be the ones to go through this.  Obviously I won't ever get these answers.  And I agree, people telling you that "he was here for a reason" is rediculous.  Of course he was, but that doesn't change a stinkin' thing.  That doesn't take away the hurt or the grief.  I have found my anger lessen in God, and I have found some peace in this past week as long as I remind myself that God spared Logan.  He did what was best for Logan, and I was just the collateral damage.  God knew I'd come out of this breathing.  Full of heartache, tears and greif...but still breathing.  Keep breathing Mimmy!



~Heather http://mystolenlight.blogspot.com/ 



I go into more detail here on my blog about this very subject last week if you are interested.

Chrissy - posted on 02/21/2009

25

17

1

Hi girls ~ This is definitly a club that none of us would ever want to belong to, but here we are....I gave birth to a gorgous baby boy, PJ, 5 years ago...he lived exactly (to the minute) 12 hours. My relationship with God has never been the same. I have a 6 year old who I'm determined to raise as a I was, as a Christian...going to Sunday School, church, etc. But most of the time, i feel like I"m just going through the motions...faking it.



I recently read a book called The Shack...anyone read it yet? Check it out...it's about a man who has a young daughter murdered and his journey with God because of that death. In many ways, it was comforting to read but I still have the same questions as I always have: why?



Just a quick note about husbands...my husband and I grieved in VERY different ways...and it led to divorce! We didn't communicate at all and when we did, I was very upset at him for not being as depressed as I was. We are now both remarried and very happy with our current spouses...but I look back at that time in my life and -wish- someone would've told me just to hang on, hold on to each other and let your spouse grieve the way they need too. Even if he's not crying or as devasted on the outside as you are, doesn't mean he's not hurting in his way....if you're close to leaving due to a death of a child, please message me. I want to help people through this time if I can.



~Chrissy

Michelle Et Joel - posted on 02/20/2009

1

0

0

Hi, I cannot begin to imagine how you feel, however, I too have lost faith in God and wonder if he really exists. After trying to get pregnant for 7 painfull years, we finally were pregnant. Things weren't going so well, but I thought, why would God give us this special gift just to take it away. Well, on December 20th, doctors told me to go home and wait for a miscarriage. Can you imagine what a great Christmas I had... I am now questioning my faith and have lost all contact with God. How could things in this life be so unfair

Celia - posted on 02/17/2009

7

24

0

I can not even begin to imagine what some of you have been through. It makes my situation seem so "pale" in comparison. To lose a baby at all, no matter the age (be it while still pregnant or at a later age) is so very hard. My heart goes out to each and every one of you here.

My situation is one where we found out 2 months ago that our little boy, who I am still pregnant with, has a fatal birth defect called anencephaly and will die very shortly after birth, wether it be a few minutes or hours or even a few days. There is no hope that he will live.

And I am now at the point, 2 months later, where my anger and frustration at God is definitely bubbling forth. All I keep asking myself is: Why? Why me? Why our family? Why our baby? I am letting it all out and screaming in anger at God who would allow this to happen. I know that he can take it but....come on....who told him that I would be strong enough to let go of something so precious? The pain is almost unbearable.

I am trying to find a way through this anger and pain but it almost seems to much to bear. I try to take comfort in the fact that God knows my pain and "has been there" since he also gave up his son but really? Is there any comparison? He is God!! I am only human. There is a HUGE difference in that alone. My relationship wtih God feels very broken and to the point where it might not be repaired. I realize I am very early in my pain and grieving but still...the lost feeling is there.

So I can relate to how each of you is feeling who is angry at God. Who feels like their faith is gone. But, at the same time, God is who I choose to cling to. Even through the pain and anger and frustration. I know that my baby would only suffer should he live and that is not the life I had envisioned for him. His life will be whole and complete and perfect. Unfortunatley, I just won't get to experience it. So I cling to God. It's all that I have left.

Rhonda - posted on 01/30/2009

2

5

0

I too lost my faith in God for the longest time. I lost my son to SIDS in "96" and I still have days were I just lose it. I spend that day crying out loud. Hoping that someone will hear me. When I realize who hears and sees me I stop, look into there faces and know that everything will be okay. Talking about my other two children. I find my strength and peace within them. Over the years I have learned to forgive god and now am faithful again. My biggest problem is allowing myself to become a member of a Church community again. The Church I was involved in at the time of Dylan's death were not helpful and understanding. It gave me a very bad outlook of church communities and now I have a mother-in-law that tells me all the time that I need to find another church to attend for the sake of my other two kids. So far I have refused to give in. I believe Church nor God should be pushed by someone else. You have to come to your own terms, heal at your own pace and forgive with your own heart no one else can do it for you.
Just remember those other two faces and know that they are sad when they see mommy sad, and angry- if you ever find peace ( and you will, in time) it will be threw your children smiles and knowing that there mom is going to okay.

All the best to you and your family...

[deleted account]

Thanks for being so honest with your post I would love to talk with you more about it. Email me at vkdelgado@hotmail.com. My husband and I delivered conjoined twin girls on November 11, 2008 they only lived for an hour. Besides the Bible the two books that helped us were Safe in the Arms of God by John MacArthur and the book Suffering and the Sovereignty of God by John Piper. We ordered a lot of these books to send to people going through the same thing we went through. If you want them please email me your address and I will send them out right away. You can go to our blog to see more pictures of our girls and read their full story. www.goodtimesdelgadostyle.blogspot.com You are right there are a lot of thing that people say that dont bring comfort at all and i'm sure they just have no clue what to say but I will say this and that is that I'm so sorry for your loss. I will be praying that the Lord will heal your heart and take away the anger that you are feeling

Sarah - posted on 01/29/2009

1

6

0

WOW!! I know what you are saying!!! Our twins arrived at 24 weeks.  I did everything I was told to do, was in the hospital for 4 days doing nothing and they still came early.  It was 3:30 am, I didn't want to call my husband because he was 70 minutes away and didn't want to chance he would get in an accident on the way there, besides we dairy farm and the cows were not going to milk themselves.  Plus, what could he do?  Neither one of them were breathing when they were born.  Well, Clayton lived for 12 days and Evan lived for 24.  After losing Clayton I was sure that God wouldn't take Even too.  I just kept telling myself, "ok, God feels that I can do this.  He doesn't give us more than we can handle."  I prayed that He show me the way, give me a sign.  We had Clayton creamated and were going to wait until Evan came home to do a memorial service.  Then on Saturday morning at 6:30 am on June 23, 2007 the call came.  You need to get here, Evan doesn't look good.  I never missed a mass, praised and thanked Him for my time with my boys and yet He still took them away.  I kept asking myself when I would hear "they are in a better place" WHAT is so wrong with my place?  I still have no answers to that question, but what I do is this.  My boys may not physically be here but they are in everyday conversation between my husband and children.  I have a 9 month old and she hears about her brothers everyday.  I do feel lucky that I did have a short time with them but I also feel that it was just a tease.  I have 3 girls, I know that they can farm too but why did God have to take my boys.  I am still at mass every week.  I can tell you some weeks that I am just there so my kids see that I am there, but then there will be a week that I hear something.  God gave us the ability to feel anger and He also knew we would more than likely at one time feel that for him.  I will be praying for you and your family!! God is there, he is just really hard to see sometimes.

Shana - posted on 01/28/2009

1

10

0

Mimmy:



I lost my son the day before my birthday! He only lived 3 minutes. I held him in my arms and just cried. I thought it was going to cause me and my husband to be in "Divorce Court". I am glad that my husband talked me into having a 'homegoing service' for Avery, because that was the start of the closure process. I think that if I would not have not that, I would be lost! I got tired of the preaching and you have to understand....my mom is a VERY religious person, but nothing she could say to me would take the pain away. I would just look at my other 2 children and say....what if. I kept asking myself if there was anything that I had done to cause this, but the doctors told me that it was just an anomoly. I have been angry with God but it has been 2 years and I am at the point where I can talk about it. It took LOTS of prayer b/c no one could say any to me about religion, God, or anything. I have a very close friend, we used to cry together and have long talks. She was a religious person and she had to keep telling me "...he is not a vengeful God" and one day I decided to try the 'church thing' again. This pastor was so anointed that he broke the chains where I felt bound with guilt, disgust, discouragement, anger, loss of faith...........all I can say that it is going to take a VERY special person to come into your life for you to realize the ramifications of what has taken place. It will happen, but it will take time.

Camille - posted on 01/28/2009

4

29

0

I know just how you feel it will be only two years for me since my daughter died. I felt the same way that you are. I still cant understand how God took a precious gift from me that I carried for nine months all for her to no take one beath of air. I feel the same I have three loving children , but I feel that there is something that is missing from my life. I look at her pictures , her clothes and it just does not get any easier. I often wonder when will my pain end. if it ever will , and why me. When people are out there killing these poor babies , misusing these babies and people who want these children he takes them from us.

[deleted account]

I lost my son three months ago, he lived for two and a half days.  I was initially very angry at God for taking him.  He was very healthy until 8 hours into labor when I had a placental abruption.   But now I believe God doesn't do this to people.  He doesn't cause the accident or the illness.  It is a part of being human.  But he is there to take our children and care for them until we can get there.  Every life brought into this world makes and impact.  Please let your children make a positive impact on you.  Do you want  them to carry the burden of being the one who destroyed you?  Ask God for help with your anger, maybe it wont help, but it cannot hurt.

Debi - posted on 01/27/2009

7

1

0

I know how angry you can get. Every emotion comes into play. My baby would have been 26 this month. SIDS invaded our lives. I know that when your emotions are so fragile it's hard when someone says something that hurts. I know it's got to be really hard for them to talk about it, because they just don't know. What I figured out is just about everything hurts, and I just have to realize that they are only trying to help in the only way they know how.

We were blessed in the fact that the Lord did show us many purposes for our daughters short life. She brought many family members and friends back together. She also saved one of our friends who died a month later. We always talked to him about God but he didn't accept what we were saying, until the morning we found Misty. Then he knew that she had left her body. Jerry our dear friend was holding our pastors had at the grave side service for Misty. That experience brought him to the lord. A month later we were at his service, but we were able to feel that he was at peace with the Lord.

Give the pain to Jesus and keep the great memories. I know that you probably don't want to hear this, but with everything else it works. If you can forgive the person you really help is yourself. If you can figure out how to forgive God you can begin to heal. Your baby will always be with you no matter what.

Libby - posted on 01/27/2009

937

19

122

Yep Mimmy, I know what you are saying.  Tomorrow it will only be 8 weeks since we lost our daughter, but I have suffered such a diminishing faith in God that I'm not sure what to do anymore.  I still believe in God but I am having trouble praying.  For about 6 weeks I couldn't even enjoy the worship part of church.  I felt like I wasn't getting anything out of church.  I used to believe that God can heal if you pray for it.  Now I believe that it doesn't matter if you ask Him for healing because He's going to do whatever He wants anyway.  I asked Him and prayed for healing when I was pregnant and having complications.  My church prayed over me and for me for weeks and weeks and weeks.  He didn't heal my body and instead He took my baby.  So, now I don't know what to believe.  I can't understand how He can heal some and not others.  But it's a catch 22 really.  If I don't believe in Him and if I end up falling away from Him then I won't make it to Heaven and I won't see my daughter again.  That is what I'm holding on to righht now.  I can't let go of Him because then I let go of her too. 

Jenna - posted on 01/26/2009

18

26

0

Quoting Lori:

I lost my sweet Emily 7 1/2 years ago in a horrible car wreck. It was 2 weeks before her 3rd birthday. I went through a time of wondering if God was really there. I mourned the loss of my baby and at the same time was mourning the loss of my relationship with God. For my family, I continued to go to church. I would cry through the entire service every Sunday. Finally, I came to the conclusion that God had been there the whole time. He was there when she died instantly and did not suffer. He was there when this sweet lady held me and comforted me while we were waiting for the ambulance. He was there when the community and my church family reached out to me and prayed for me. When I realized this, I had an overwelming sense of peace wash over me. I still grieve and miss my sweet baby. But even though I had well-meaning family and friends . . . when it came down to it. God was the one who pulled me through that horrible time.


Great perspective Lori! Thank you for the reassurance - so true now that I think back.  I think its easy to forget since we equate that time to feeling weak, tears, and all the other emotions leaving us with barley survival instinct or strength to press on.  It must be HIM - for our families, our husbands, ourselves, our testimony.  For that, I am grateful -

Lara - posted on 01/26/2009

9

23

1

I am so sorry for your loss. I myself have lost 4 babies due to miscarriages and it is extremely difficult.  I have had my times when I was angry at God and disbelieving.  I am resting in the fact though that nothing on this earth is perfect.  We live in a fallen world and there will be hard times and trials.  I realize that this may not comfort you.  It is hard to believe that God would "allow" the hard times when He can control everything. I understand how you feel. Give your feelings a voice and let them out.  You have every right to feel the way you do.  Please remember that God does care and He loves you and your family.

[deleted account]

I pray that what I'm about to say will reach the right people and that those whom it would hurt right now would read it in His timing.  While God is the creator of everything, he is not the father of death...Satan is.  There was not death in the world until sin entered in brought about by Satan.  God also allows us to go through trials and tribulations to sometimes make us stronger, sometimes make others stronger, sometimes to bring us closer to Him, sometimes to bring someone else closer to Him.  You may never know the eternal reason why your children died, but please rest assured that God has held each and every one of them in His loving arms and has made them whole again.  And as for Him not knowing how you feel...He's got you beat.  He purposely sent his Son to die so that you would be able to be with Him in heaven.  At times that's hard to accept.  We feel so unworthy of something that big.  And we don't want to accept it because there is no equality to the "transaction".  But He loves us and wants us to spend eternity with Him and He will do whatever it takes to bring you Home to Him.  Sometimes it happens when we're at the end of our rope and have nothing else to hold on to...then we fall into His loving arms and everything is better...not immediately...but over time as we learn to trust that He has our best interests at heart.  I pray that each and every person who reads this could find the same comfort that I have and that their faith in God could be renewed and that He could use this situation for His Glory and His Good and Perfect Plan.  Blessings and Comfort to you all.

Deidere - posted on 01/24/2009

3

22

0

I'm not trying to be ugly but "why not you?" My son would have been 21 Feb. 6th. I won't lie to you and say the pain eases with time because it does not ,it is some thing you will think about everyday at some point during the day. I was 19 when I found myself pregnant, I saw such a kid, I went from living in my parents house to being married and having a baby. About the time I realized I was having a baby and going to be responsable for this little life that I felt growing in me, it was over. I had a doctor's visit on a Wednesday, my baby boy was fine he was breach but no big deal. I went into labor on Saturday morning of the same week, I was so excited the little life that I had carried for 9 months was coming, I got to the hospital, the doctor tried to find a heart beat it was not one. My anger started right then, I hated that doctor so much and blamed him so much that when I got pregnant with my next son I refused to let him see me. I was mad I went from a kid to a pregnant wife now I was planning a funeral for my stillborn child. I got to see him after he was born, he was so cute, he looked like he was sleeping, I could not touch or hold him for fear that I could have never let go, I wanted to die with him. I don't remember alot about the next few days they keeped me pretty drugs, I so remember screaming when they lowered him in the ground. For the next weeks and weeks I heard the same thing over and over again, "it all for a reson" I want to say so many times, "well damnit tell me the reason my child had to die!" Why me, what did I do that would make the Lord take my child from me? I can't tell you why us, there is nothing that will ever ease the pain. After 21 yrs, 3 health children and to wonderful grand children later. I still wonder why. I go to his grave site, it's just like it happened yeasterday, I'm sad and angry. But, now I think why not me, what makes me so special that this could not happen to me? If my first son had lived would something be wrong with him, would he be disabled, would is life be sad and filled with heartache everyday. All I'm trying to say is I no your heart aches for the child do don't have, but have you ever considered the other side? Maybe God spared your child the pain.

Lori - posted on 01/24/2009

4

0

0

I lost my sweet Emily 7 1/2 years ago in a horrible car wreck. It was 2 weeks before her 3rd birthday. I went through a time of wondering if God was really there. I mourned the loss of my baby and at the same time was mourning the loss of my relationship with God. For my family, I continued to go to church. I would cry through the entire service every Sunday. Finally, I came to the conclusion that God had been there the whole time. He was there when she died instantly and did not suffer. He was there when this sweet lady held me and comforted me while we were waiting for the ambulance. He was there when the community and my church family reached out to me and prayed for me. When I realized this, I had an overwelming sense of peace wash over me. I still grieve and miss my sweet baby. But even though I had well-meaning family and friends . . . when it came down to it. God was the one who pulled me through that horrible time.

Laura - posted on 01/23/2009

8

8

1

Hello all,



I've read many of your stories and can't help but feel your pain.  I still, too this day, question god's reasons for taking my first born son. The only son I would ever have as I now have 3 healthy wonderful girls. Which I'm very thankful for!  But for me, no matter how many children I have my family will never feel complete. Something is missing, my son Connor!  My husband and I had just found out we were having a boy at the ultra sound on 9/5/02. Our parents were at the ultra sound too, the nurse must of thought we were crazy but this was so exciting.  My mother was already a grandmother but they were my brother kids, I think it's different when it's your daughter have her first chid.  And he was the first grandchild for my in-laws.  The pregnancy was perfect, no pain, no sickness, check ups were always great. Then it happened, 9/10/02, five days after learning the sex, went to the bathroom wiped and something looked strange but not alarming, everything was good_so I thought.  Called the doctor when I got to work. Explained what happened, they said come in at  11am.  The doctor checked me and said, "you're dilated. you need to go to the hospital now".  He was calm but had a look of concern. I cried, composed myself and drove to the hospital.  On the way I called my husband and was hysterical on the phone and told him to get to the hospital.  I had something called an incompetent cervix and labor had started.  They stopped it and stablized me.  I had to lay in the hospital bed on an incline with my feet up. I was willing to lay there as long as possible, I was 21 weeks.  I only made it 22 wks and on 9/18/02 my son Connor was born.  They said he would pass instantly, he didn't, they called the nicu where he survived for 56hrs.  He was born on my Aunt and cousin's birthday and he passed away 9/21/02 on my other cousin's birthday. I will be forever grateful he hung in long enough not to pass away on my birthday which was 9/20.  It was only a few hours into 9/21 when he gave up the fight.  I will forever grieve and miss him.   Why would god do this? Why was he here? I have so many unanswered questions.  It's hard for me to put my faith in him when I feel like he let me down.  I don't let my girls now how I feel and they do go to sunday school, but they are too young. They don't even know about Connor yet, but one day I will tell them.  When people ask, oh is she your first born?  I can't say "yes, she is" I always say she is my first born daughter.  People aren't aware of why I say it, if they don't know me and it makes me feel better.  It's make me feel like he mattered  and  he was important too me. For me and my husband this is something that will always be with us but for our family, though I know they love us so and felt the loss, they will go on with their lives like normal but we will never feel normal again.  I can relive that day like it was yesterday, pain and all.  That is why I ask....Why would god want to cause such pain?

Paula - posted on 01/23/2009

343

42

47

Hi allison- I am sorry for your loss....you didn't have many days as well....23 is just not enough.  MY Narmeen lived 27 days.  it seems like during the hospital....the first week or so went by so slow...I thought she was getting better and it was taking so long....I wanted her to be home.  I wondered if she going to be out by x-mas.  then on  the last day....which wizzed by so fast.....I realized those days were not long....not long enough.  Cause I want more of those days.....when I held her, rocked her....she would lay belly to belly with me and we would rock...oh how I miss that.



I don't know why either....and I am mad all the time.



when does the anger go away??

Paula - posted on 01/23/2009

343

42

47

HI all- Robyn I am glad you got to hold him and be there with him in his time moments....how prescious....He felt safe and was able to let go.  I hope my Narmeen felt safe as well....she was pretty much gone I suppose spiritually at that point.  They had been trying for over an hour to bring her vitals back up.  oxygenation was at 40 % for awhile....not enogh to perfuse the organs....shut down occurs....I wonder if she felt pain., agony, I hope not.



It is the hardest thing....I have ever done.  watching them go like that is hell.



no one should ever go through this....

Allison - posted on 01/23/2009

3

12

0

Hello Mimmy ~



I can totally understand, exactly how you feel.  We just lost our sweet Sophia.  She lived with us for 23 days...and every minute of every day is agony without her.  We have a 3 year old daughter, and she keeps me going...but like you, I wonder...what Sophi would look like now - would she be starting to sit up on her own...what kind of noises would she be making...how much would she weigh....how many times would I have to tell her sister to be quiet so she could sleep ... it's agony, no way around it.  And I am a Christian and yet struggle with the same questions you are.  Why?  And the guilt I feel, as a Christian, for not having that answer - people expect the Christians to have answer to something like this and I feel like a failure as a Christian for not having the answer.  She was here for a reason...I too am sick of hearing that...because I haven't seen the reason yet.  She did not have a painless 23 days here, and neither did we.  And our 3 year old cries for her baby sister and wants her and it rips out my heart everytime I have to just smile at her and say "Sophi's with Jesus now and we'll see her again someday" - as much as I do believe that, it does not ease the ache....I wish that I did have some amazing words to say to you that would instantly make your pain less and your anger toward God go away - but honestly, no one has the answer to why...not even the most devout Christian.  My Pastor did say something, however, at my daughter's funeral which has stuck with me....he said "we can trust the heart of God even when we can't understand the ways of God."  it doesn't lessen my pain, but it makes me think about the heart of God...bad things happen all the time all over the world to people just like us and they ask the same question....why me?  I am truly sorry for your pain and I KNOW  your pain oh too well and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy...it is truly agony every minute of every day and nothing seems to ease it.  So, even though I do believe what the Bible says - that God formed us in our mother's wombs and that He predestined us from the foundations of the world - and that none of us are mistakes - He never said He'd tell us why.  And it sucks.  it truly does.  but in the darkest moments, it does help me a little to remember that I can trust the heart of God even when I can't understand the ways of God.  Mimmy - my heart breaks for you because I truly do know your grief and I don't think there is anything that can ever be said to any of us who share this grief, that will ease it.  But maybe knowing we're not alone - - there's so many other women going through the same grief...maybe we can all get to a point where we can honestly say that we can trust God's heart even without the answer to the why during this life.  You will be in my prayers as I too search for the same answer.



~ Allison

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms