Moms who lost adult children

Hope - posted on 03/31/2009 ( 260 moms have responded )

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I lost my son at 27 yrs of age. He was married and they were expecting a baby. It could not have been more difficult for all of us. Anyway, I was wondering how many Moms had adult children who died.

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Stacy - posted on 06/13/2014

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Hello, I'm new to this site.

Having read most of your post, I felt compelled to comment. In November it will be ten years since my Lindsey passed away from cancer. She was 24 years young. So full of life. So incredibly beautiful.

She was the kindness person I know. I used to say that before she was diagnosed. During her teens,I used to tease my friends when they would ask about my children and say, "I'm just waiting for her to hate me....it never happened."
I'm lucky because she happened! I'm lucky because she called me her best friend. I'm lucky because we shared everything together. She was my only daughter and my best lunch date!

I probably did the worse thing for myself after Lindsey passed away. Everyone looked to me for comfort and answers. My nature is to nurture. Several years of doing this, I found myself standing alone, completely stuck. I had had enough of trying to comfort those around me, with the exception of my two sons and husband. I believe because I showed such strength that everyone assumed I was okay. I shouted from the mountain tops. "I am not OKAY! I will never ever be OKAY! I have THREE children! Not two! I raised ALL of them! I was there!

I found that my comfort level was going to be my first priority. And when that day finally arrived, I felt a tiny bit of hope. A place where I wasn't holding my breathe all the time. The black world seemed to fade and color began to enter. Does the pain of losing a child ever dissipate? Hell NO! Nor should it. We are not the same person. How could we be? Does it soften? Yes. But only sometimes.
For instance, when you're doing something in your child's memory, we are lifted to a place that seems lighter. Weather it's planting a tree or flower, writing your child a letter (that's so incredibly hard, but feels a little bit better when done, I write letters or even little love notes).
Or setting up a fundraiser in their memory, or tossing a pebble or penny in the water and whispering their name. Finding something that always reminds you of them and suddenly seeing it come to the forefront of your life is......magical.
Our days are constantly filled with anxiety when we walk out the door. We are thinking, who will be next to approach me and say so etching unthinkable, unbearable, completely out of left field? Gather your canned responses, they are your power. You can make a beautiful choice for yourself, and say, "I don't process my pain in casual settings." Boundaries are crucial.
Have I walked out of the grocery store with a full basket of groceries? Oh yea! Several times.
When I'm feeling not okay and I have to venture out. I will wear my sunglasses even if it's cloudy. :)

Our society is not set up for loss. Only acquiring.
It's actually very sad that society makes us work harder when were exhausted. Family and friends are at a quandary.
Our reality is hard! There are so many books that one could read to gain the knowledge of how to treat a bereaved parent or sibling. People will jump online to seek information about a illness or something significant that someone they know may be going through. Why is it so terrible for someone to educate themselves on something so important. Why? Because it's scary, it's the most pivitol loss ever. They guard themselves from their own pain yet how can they possibly jump into that dark place.
We don't require that. We just want you to say our child's name, share a story or moment.
It's called compassion.

I am going to choose hanging out with my Lindsey today and weed our garden. For every step that we took to build it, we did together. It's my safe place.

My Mother wish is for ALL bereaved Mothers and Fathers to one day find their safe place.

Thank you and the heavens I found you! We may have taken a different road, yet we stand on the same ground. We are trying as hard as we can, yet some days we just need the day off.

Sending lots of love and light in everyone's direction.

Cheers to our beautiful children that we cherish, honor, miss and will love with everything we have.

Fondly, Stacy *Lindsey's Mom*

Mahlape - posted on 12/07/2013

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I sometimes feel like I don't know how to live anymore. My grief has isolated me. When I am around people I still feel like I am in a cocoon and that I only see the world through a window. It's been 19 months since my daughter died suddenly and unexpectedly of pulmonary embolism. I also find that I have decreased resilience. Things hurt more deeply and it takes me longer to recover. I find myself thinking about my child all the time. I am wondering if this state of suspended animation will ever stop.

My deepest sympathy goes to all mothers out there who have lost adult children. If I began to write about all the ways my daughter was amazing in her personality, her wisdom, intelligence, compassion and beauty, I wouldn't be able to stop. The children we have lost were young yet amazingly more enabled than the rest of us. They came into our lives and dazzled us with their brilliance and like a flash of lighting, their stay was brief. I count myself fortunate that such an amazing human being came to the world through me and that I had that brief 33 years to spend with her. My daughter never wanted to move far away from home and in her last few years she lived in the flat next door. As if she had known she would leave us so soon. I will always miss how she used to push through the door shouting "Hi Mom!" without even seeing me. She knew I was there because I always left the flat unlocked so she could do just that.

Rodessa - posted on 03/17/2014

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I am a mother who have had two kids die over the last 9 years. My oldest daughter Tenisha was 18 years old and died in a car accident . Then 3 day till the year my son Don drown in a boating accident . We have one daughter Ashley now and two grandsons. I praise God everyday for who he is in my life , because our daughter Ashley was in the car accident with her sister and walked away with only 7 stitches in her head. It was very hard grieving the lost . To God be the glory still in my right mind and I love The Lord all the more, because he gave me the peace of God that surpass all understanding . I just want to help other mothers.

Victoria - posted on 01/10/2014

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On December 16, 2013, I lost my 23 year old daughter, my darling, sweet Helena.
She was the light of my life ... of many peoples' lives ... vibrant, witty, bright, intelligent and my sweetheart.
She had bulimia and had a heart attack.
I wish I could have known how serious this illness was. She had been to the hospital a couple of times complaining that her "heart hurt." Although the doctors recommended seeing a therapist (which she did), not once did any doctor tell us this disease could ultimately kill her.
Bulimia requires more help than a therapist can provide.
For any mothers who read this who may know of someone going through the same thing with their daughters, PLEASE insist they see a doctor to determine the extent of trauma this insidious disease has caused the heart.
Getting help for mental health is important ...
but the patient must be living to get the help they need.
Respectfully,
Victoria
Baltimore MD

Debbie - posted on 07/15/2013

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We lost our 34 yr. old son, Josh, on Sept. 27th, 2012 to a drunk driver. I really thought I had a strong faith, but I fight most of the time to not join him. We have two other adult children, they are very angry and I have lots of guilt about my wanting to be with Josh. But it did occur to me that if I was with Josh, I would miss our other two on earth and being on earth, I miss Josh in heaven. It pretty much all sucks......crude, but true.........

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Frederica - posted 3 days ago

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To Amber I am so so sorry. I wish this journey upon no one I lost my 21 yr old son two yrs old ago he died in car accident also. I tried to be strong but I nearly lost my mind putting on that face. I still struggle to this day. Forgive yourself and know you don't have to be strong for no one and people who never lost a child don't understand. Take care of u and that beautiful baby. My grandchild is what keeps me sane at time but it's bittersweet at times because he died before she was born. My heart tears and prayers to u

Louise - posted on 08/31/2014

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Hi, I too feel your pain. I lost my beautiful eldest son to cancer, 14 years ago. He was three months short of his twenty first birthday! I still miss him, grieve (albeit privately ) for him everyday! Time does not heal the wound, it has just helped me to accept and learn to live without him. Since losing my Allan, I feel my world fall apart often. My coping mechanisms will kick in, and I know I'll survive somehow. It has not got easier! I still hear his words; "mum, I'm gonna die". I relive that moment constantly, and hate myself, I failed him as a mother....I couldn't save my boy, my heart is broken and will never heal. I live for the day we are reunited. My prayers go out to all the parents who have lost there child. No parent should have to ever bury their child, bless you all! Louise x

Amber - posted on 08/25/2014

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so very true, im feeling the same after losing my Brittney who was 24, last January 2014, in a tragic car accident , never felt so much loss and pain missing her so much. amber lewis

Amber - posted on 08/25/2014

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so very true, my name is amber , just lost my daughter Brittney this pass jan, 2014 in a tragic car accident she was 24, she left me and her older daughter lauren with britt daughter who is only 4, im in pain every day, and some family members have been so very mean to me expecting me to be stronger, some don't even talk to me anymore, maybe they just don't no what to say, I wish I could find a group or friends to understand what Im going through , any suggestions , please help, im praying for everyone in my same situation, lots of love, amber l

Stacy - posted on 07/28/2014

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Dear Chloe ~
I'm so happy to read that you are returning to school to receive your degree. What a wonderful goal! You are standing on your own ground and it's shifting to a place that you will find comfort.
It seems when we go into a direction of helping we heal a little bit at a time. We will never heal back to who we were. Just a softer place of living and hopefully thriving.
To try and respond to your question...is difficult. Loss is a tricky place. Our believe meant is measured by the relationship. Bereavement even within the same household will be different from one family member to another.
We do have to seek out those that are comfortable is sharing our children. They seem to be far and few. But they are there. It's crazy that the ones we thought would be more appropriate seem to be at a loss themselves. It's hard to imagine that they realize the pain they may be causing. I've said over and over again like a broken record. "We are exhausted.....and let's add trying to teach people how to treat us is beyond tiring. It's too much." Hence my statement about taking the day off. Sometimes I just let people go on and on. Hoping they will push replay with their words only to realize they have deeply inserted their foot so far down their mouth. We can't control what people say, think or do. Only ourselves. It can be exhausting to have just the slightest expectation of those that we love and trust, only to be disappointed.
It's surely not a contest. Never has been never will be. We may have taken separate roads....but we are definitely on a common ground.
Sending you nothing but love, light and encouraging you to keep listening to your beautiful son Kyle. He will help you and has been all along. You know that and so do I.
Loves! Stacy *Lindsey's Mom*

Liz - posted on 07/13/2014

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I don't like to compare the loss of an adult child to the loss of an unborn baby. However my thoughts are that losing an adult child is harder because like you say you have had a relationship with them and if they are an adult they are like a friend to you. Losing a baby before they are born is hard but I don't think compares to the loss of a child who you have bonded with and had a relationship with.

I am sorry for the way your husband's family treat your loss. Unfortunately I think this is not uncommon. My mother-in-law never mentions my daughter's name or talks about her, not even when she is alone with my husband. I think people don't know how to behave around the bereaved and think they will upset us by talking about the one we have lost when we all know that we prefer it when they mention their name. I think some people put more importance on the loss of a baby and I suppose grandparents relate to babies more. Also if one loses a baby there is still the chance to get pregnant again. These are just my views and I don't want to upset those who have lost a baby.

Chloe Laura - posted on 06/20/2014

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Hey everyone!
I was wondering if I could please receive some feedback, I'm struggling with something regarding the loss of my son. He died suddenly and unexpectedly over 2 years ago. His cause of death is undetermined and it is sooo hard for me. His loss is heartbreaking enough, then not to have answers causes an emotional burden. My husbands family, including my step children have been cruel. They never bring up Kyle's death and his whole family acts as if he never lived. I'm really struggling.

Now, to complicate the scenario, I have to ask your opinions on an issue. Approximately 10 years ago I lost a baby when I was 6.5 months pregnant. The support for that baby was enormous; yet, no one knew that baby. Don't get me wrong, my heart was hurt, but there is no comparison to losing that baby that I hadn't bonded with, and the loss of my 20 year old first born. Literally, when I lost Kyle it has been hard to live, breathe, and move on. His loss breaks my heart and it has scared my soul.

Here are my questions, why was my husband's family supportive of that loss (that was nothing like my 20 year old), and so cruel for the loss of my 20 year old. Also, which loss do you all think is harder, the loss of a child you had 20 years of your life with, or the loss of a baby you didn't know? Please answer me I'm struggling so much, and the pain from my husband's family makes me not want to talk to them anymore.

My heart hurts. The good news is that I headed back to school after my son's death and I received my Master's Degree in psychology. I'm becoming an LMFT so I can help other grieving moms. No one should have to suffer alone.

Forgive me for any spelling errors or typos. I wrote this after an incredibly painful day, from my phone, it is actually helping me through tonight.

Love, Chloe "Kyle's mom"

Chloe Laura - posted on 06/20/2014

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Hey Stacy,
I relate to your post so much! My 20 year old son whom was the light of my life passed over 2 years ago, and I've never received the support I need. In fact, the family has been so cruel. They act like I should just forget about him. Painful!

As I was reading your post, I realized I had so much to say to you. Words were rolling in my head; words of comfort and words of connection. Then, when I went to write I realized that I lost my words. The pain is stopping my mind from thinking.

Well, I hope to keep in touch on here. I'm sorry no one comforted you or realized the depths of your pain. Unfortunately, our society is not built like that, and it is so painful.

Love, Chloe "Kyle's mom"

Sheeba - posted on 06/16/2014

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My friend Cristina von Sperling (see facebook by the name) lost her 19 year old son yesterday. She is Brazilian married to a Pakistani and has lived in Pakistan for over 25 years.

This was her only son. I really feel she could find some comfort if one of the other moms could call her +923008554720.

Her son was watching football with friends and slept over at their house. He never woke up. The whole town is devastated.

Please if their is a mom out their who can feel her pain. Please call her. Her son Karim was buried today.

Tepora L Tanielu - posted on 04/17/2014

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The heavens have gained another angel on March 22, 2014 when my oldest son 25 decided to take his life because he loved hard and didn't love himself. I told him many times to place God in his heart first and He will help him see things differently. I know God is forgiving and my Son is now in the kingdom of heaven. I struggle with pain of living as my oldest son took a piece of my heart with him. I have two other children age 22 and 23, and grandchildren 7, 3 & 1..so, I must live for them as they have the other pieces of my heart. Till God Calls me to be with my oldest son again..

Cheyl - posted on 04/15/2014

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My heart goes out to you, and I totally understand how much God means to you. I lost my 41 year old daughter last September due to ALS and my 37 year old daughter 10 months before that, due to blood poisoning. The loss is huge. But I have drawn closer to the Lord than ever before. Although my heart is broken, I feel stronger in my spirit than ever before. I don't understand why God takes our children, but I trust Him for His decision. This week is my daughter's birthday, and it makes me miss her even more.!

Taylor Deloris - posted on 03/24/2014

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My son was 25 when he was murdered 2yrs ago. Today is really hard for me. Burring your child is the worst thing a parent could ever do but if your child knows God, it makes it easier. Jonathan did. It gives me peace knowing that he he's gone back to be with his creator. God allowed me to have him for 25yrs.

Frederica - posted on 03/21/2014

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I understand exactly where you coming from. My son was 21 in a car accident and was burned pretty bad. I find myself angry at God because he didn't spare my child and to allow me to feel so much pain. I feel like I'm just functioning not really living just making it day by day. I know I should not be angry with God. I'm sorry for all of you that has to endure this type of grief. I feel so lost at times. My heart is still heavy and there is not a day moment that passes that I don't think of him. He was my first born my baby my young man. What am I to do without him

Debbie - posted on 03/17/2014

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I lost my youngest daughter this past year to suicide. She was 31 years old. I can't tell you the hurt that I feel. She was found by her sister, which resulted in a PTSD situation that we cope with besides our loss. People might think it is easier when a child is grown but it isn't. She was my youngest and unmarried and will always be my baby. She traveled the world and had true love in her life but she couldn't deal with problems. She was a private person and I wish she would have reached out to us. I wish I would have seen the signs but I can only see them now that it is too late.

Yolanda - posted on 02/15/2014

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Michelle I feel that you are reading my thoughts and feeling all of what I feel..the emptiness and sadness will never go away..there's not a day or moment that goes by that I dont think of my son. He was 21, gone wayyy too soon..im often angry at god and everyone else, I feel that loosing a child and to witness it is the most horrific and cruel thing that god could allow to happen. Mayb one day I would understand but right now I dont see it..my heart goes out to all the mothers left behind

Maria - posted on 02/05/2014

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I love circle of moms it help me through the hardest time of losing my precious Linda. Linda died May 5 2012. It was on her birthday and I never had a chance to say goodbye. Writing on here helped so much but I don't know how to connect with moms personally. I just started learning about my I pad. I was never one on a computer. I loved talking on phone . But after Linda died the less people I talk to the better. When I talk to people all they say is move on and try to get over it. How all our angels are away from us. We all have shattered hearts and there is not a minute or an hour each day that I don't think of her. I know they mean well but if you didn't lose a child you don't know the feeling like we do.

Maria dente

Katie - posted on 01/24/2014

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Katie Harding
you - posted 2 days ago
My beautiful son Rob or "Robby" was killed in a fatal car accident on Sept 10, 2011 he was 18. Rob was my only child whom I raised myself with a little help from my mom when needed.

Rob was born on July 4, 1993 weighing in at 9lbs. 1 oz. I (Kate) Rob's mom was 22 years old and only weighed 115lbs prior to pregnancy and gained 25lbs during pregnancy, but some how managed to have a very very big boy naturally. During my labor of 27 hours and 3 hours of pushing I finally had my beautiful boy,

Rob was the type of kid that made friends easily. He was funny, witty, smart, gentle and kind. He wore his heart on his sleeve. Rob cared about other peoples feelings before his, he was also very polite. My sons friends say Rob had an "ole soul", wisdom beyond his age and I would have to agree. As Rob was growing up he just knew things that at his age he shouldn't have known. He got life early and was very mature gentleman by the time he graduated. My son planned on becoming a Nutritionist and was heading to college the summer he died.

Rob stood at 6'0 tall and had the most beautiful eyes and skin. Never had a blemish and boy what a tan. The girls from High School called Rob the "Italian Stallion" that didn't sit well with me, but he sure was beautiful inside and out During his four years in high school I don't think I saw one book come home. I would ask Rob don't you have homework and he would "I did it in study hall mom". He never asked for help with school work and managed to graduate with a "B" average. With all the looks, charm and smarts he needed for life my son was the most modust kid. He never judged people and had friend from every group in school. He had nerdy, athletic, grunge, skateboarders, not popular, popular. Rob saw everyone as the same and treated people how he wanted to be treated. Right after my son died one of the his friends wrote in the newspaper. Robby was the life of the party with the biggest heart. He stated if you knew Robby for 5 minutes it felt like you knew him for five years. Another friend wrote "if it wasn't for Robby I wouldn't have any friends. He loved life. His motto Live life to the fullest with no regrets and that he did. Some times I would just marvel at him, amazed that I had made such a wonderful human being. With his out going personality and numerous friends my sons death emptied his high school and many other friends from other schools. At his funeral kids, parents and teachers got up and spoke about what a wonderful person Rob was. I was proud, but so distraught that nothing sank in at the time.

To this day almost three years later I cry everyday. Rob is the first thing I think about and the last thing I think about daily. I long to see his fave and smile. I just want to hug my son. I can no longer listen to music. I can no longer work. I look outside in the morning and wish the day would hurry up and be over. I hate living and nothing makes me happy. The love of my life my son is gone forever. My heart aches and hurts every moment of every day. I Dont sleep well. The pain never gets easier it only gets harder. Living without my boy doesn't feel right. I beg god to take me every day so that I can be with my son. Rob was my entire world and purpose in life so why am I still here and he's not.

When was was just a toddler he loved me to read this one particular book to him it's called " I'll love you forever. His favorite part of the book goes like this I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be. I put this message on his headstone. My dear son not a day goes by that I don't long to see your beautiful face. I yearn to hug you and hold you tight. When you died so did I. Soon enough I will see you again and never leave. I love you son. Mama

Carole L - posted on 12/19/2013

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My heart goes out to you! I lost my SON just 3 month ago and it a tuff time,its so hard but look at the joy they brought to our world! My made me laugh so many times and yes some time cry, but we wouldnt have been the mother we both or, without them if that makes any sense? Im still un sure off how my beautiful child died but all i know is im glad he was my child! and im just sorry i couldnt keep him safe...one thing i will never forgive myself for! He was beautiful and mine for 32yrs and left me two beautiful grandchildren xxx

Michelle - posted on 12/18/2013

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Hi Elizabeth I am so sorry for your loss I also lost my 26 year old daughter suddenly
4 months ago I fully understand your pain I cry most days this time of year is so hard i go into shops and see things I would have brought her for christmas and hear the christmas songs we would have sung together I can not except that I will not see her again or hear her beautiful voice. My daughter also had a son a 5 year old and Is the most amazing little boy he says things that rip my heart out like nanny you know mummy has her tree up in the stars as they have a floor to put it on and she watches me all the time his facial expressions are her and its such a comfort to have him but also its heart breaking to think she will never see him have children or get married and fall in love.my heart goes out to you x

Elizabeth - posted on 12/12/2013

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I just lost my beautiful daughter Stephanie last month on November 18, 2013. She was 29. My beautiful daughter was murdered by her boyfriend and then he killed himself. My grandson who is 6yrs old was left without parents. I cry cry so much I cannot believe she is gone. I also think its a bad dream that I am going to wake up out of. The thought of not being able to hold her touch her kiss her and tell her how much I love her is so so hard. She was such a beautiful girl inside and out. My angel my baby I hurt so bad. Her 3 brothers and sister are also destroyed but I know we have to all remain strong for my grandson who by the way when he smiles reminds me so much of her. I know how all you mothers feel and God you know how I feel it is so hard so hard. My baby I miss my baby.

Monica - posted on 10/17/2013

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Monique I really feel deeply for your loss. I lost my son 29yrs old suddenly. The pain a mother feels is indescribable. It's a forever void that nothing except your precious child can fill. We cannot escape it we just have to live through it. I see his eyes his smile the way he shrugged his shoulders and so much more in my mind all the time. I thank God every day that I was privileged enough to have him in my life. I try to think of all the good times and give myself space to be alone with my memories. I listen to music and sit quietly just contemplating. It helps me and I hope it helps you to know you are not alone and that your child is always with you. Love never dies. Keep hold of your dreams.

Yolanda - posted on 10/15/2013

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My name is Yolanda Romious and my heart goes out to you and your family. My son was killed by a gun shot a month ago today and I witnessed it all. It don't matter the age; they are still considered to be our babies! My son had a 3month old son at the time of his lost and it makes you feel so helpless, but at least we have a part of them that will carry on. I pray that god continues to give us strength and understanding

Robyn - posted on 10/10/2013

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Hi everyone -

You will notice that I have not posted for a while. I found that this "Circle of Moms" website was not very helpful, because not many people post on it. I looked around online for a better website where I could connect with other parents who have lost their children. I found a very good forum, but it is not in the United States, it is in England. I joined that forum, (it is run by "The Compassionate Friends") and I have found lots of support there. If you are interested, the website is:
http://www.tcf.org.uk/forum/

Jackie - posted on 10/06/2013

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I have lost 2 adult children. oldest at 30, second at 26. One to suicide after Iraq, one to medical complications. 9 months between both events. 10/11 and 07/12, still swimming in a fog. I have a younger daughter, married with a 6 year old and a 6 month old. The only thing anchoring me to this earth. They live 2 states away and I rarely see them. Trying to find reason to wake every morning.

D - posted on 09/16/2013

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Dear Maria
When people say the words "you should" as in you should move on, it's time for you to tune it out. Grieving and mourning is an individual process and NO ONE but you can experience what you are dealing with. They think they are helping, but sadly, unless you have lost a child, this type of advice is useless and can be hurtful. I'm sure they are just trying to help, but as we moms know, there is nothing that can really help when we are so sooooo sad. Just my humble thoughts. God bless, and lets all try to hang in there, one day at a time.

D - posted on 09/16/2013

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Dear Wendy
How does one go on? I don't know. But what I can say is that a priest said to me as my 25 year old, lay in icu from an inexplicable spontaneous brain hemorrhage, brain dead, don't ever ask why! He said my son has touched so many lives, some we will never know about. It kinda helped. In the last few months since his death, people from everywhere, have told me stories about how he helped them, or how they have changed because of him. We will never know the whys but I don't think our children have died in vain. Somewhere, and sometime, they have made a lasting impression on people and will change their lives for the better. I cling to that, it gives me some solace. God Bless!

D - posted on 09/16/2013

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Hi Michelle
It's odd you mention the voice, because that's also what I think. He gave his fiancée a teddy bear with his voice on it telling her he loved her, and I just wish I could hear it once again. I totally empathize with you. He was only 25, and he had a spontaneous brain bleed (stroke), healthy and fit. The doctors at the best trauma center had no clue what caused it. And like you, I just want to hear his voice. I pray to God to please let him come in my dreams so I can hear him and see him. I have been fortunate a few times. I just wish I would have been able to talk to him, but within a few minutes of arrival to the hospital he was diagnosed as brain dead. And then I got the dreaded call. I hope and pray that one day all us mothers will be reunited with our children. God bless all the mothers who have lost their beloved children.

Michelle - posted on 09/14/2013

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Hi Monique yes it helps to know your not alone and I feel for all the families on here its shocked me to see how many children people loose each week and how we all feel similar in grieving for our chidren I find comfort from the mothers here as I can say how I really feel and I dont have to hold back my feeling or thoughts as I am mindful not to let my family know exactly how I feel as it would hurt them . My love for my daughter is so strong my pain is so intense I miss her so much im confused angry sad and here I can express it so thank you circle of moms I get some kind of slight relief here x

Monique - posted on 09/14/2013

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Hi Michelle
I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter . I'm at a loss for words as I know nothing can take your pain away, but maybe it will help you to know you are not alone

Michelle - posted on 09/13/2013

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Hi monique, so sorry for your loss I lost my daughter just over 6 weeks ago with no warning as a mother I understand your pain I can not except that she is gone or that I have outlived my child everyday is a struggle and I understand the struggle you are going through. The if onlys and why's are crucifying I dont know how life can carry on without her x

Monique - posted on 09/13/2013

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I'm new on here and this is the first thing I will be posting.i lost my first born son 19 weeks ago in an horrific road collision .my son David was 28 yrs old he had a brand new baby girl born 6 weeks later he has a 10 yr old son .
My life and that of my family's was changed forever that day . I didn't expect to be woken up by 2 police officers and be told my son had died. He had taken his car from the driveway of my house and collided with a tree just further up the road he had the most horrific injuries and he'd died in the ambulance on route to the hospital .i feel like my heart has been ripped out .i can't eat sleep or function I miss him so much don't know how I get through the day it's so hard I don't know how life is supposed to carry on without him

Rhonda - posted on 09/11/2013

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Sorry for your losses,We need to unite to get stiffer penalties,after all its murder!

Michelle - posted on 09/11/2013

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Hi Rhonda im so sorry for your loss I know what you mean by putting on a false smile lost my daughter 6 weeks ago and thats what I do put on a false smile for people. This friday we will scatter her ashes and im dreading it to have to hold that urn that will contain my beautiful girl how could this of happened my grief is so intense as time goes on im finding it harder to cope x

Rhonda - posted on 09/11/2013

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My daughter who also was my BFF I had saved all her drawings and pics to show the grandchildren I'll never have. I too don't want celebrate holidays except her birthday next month. I am sad all the time..I like nothing nor do I wanna do anything. If I have a smile its fake. I wait for the night to sleep and just be.

Rhonda - posted on 09/10/2013

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Robyn I too lost my 31yr old daughter who was my BFF I feel exactly as you do. Now what du we do.?? I'm in such pain

Michelle - posted on 08/30/2013

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Robyn I can understand that I would change into her place in a heartbeat. I blame myself for so.much my unrational side has taken over and I no we could go on blaming others or ourselves for ever. I go from being numb to crying hysterically everyone seems to have disappeared and getting on with their lives as they should but im getting angry at them that they can plan holidays and laugh .my thoughts are just all over the place x

Robyn - posted on 08/30/2013

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Why, why, why. I just don't understand why I will never see my beautiful daughter again. I keep thinking I should have done something to save her -- I should have known. We found out after her death that I have a genetic defect called Factor V Leiden that makes you get blood clots, and I passed that on to her. So she died from a pulmonary embolism, because I gave her the faulty gene. It makes me feel like I killed her. Why couldn't it have been me? I just want to trade places with her, and let her live to experience all of the beauty in this world.

Michelle - posted on 08/30/2013

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Thank you robyn I feel angry to. I dont understand whats happened she was a healthy 26 year old that was enjoying her life they think she died of SADS geat name for a pointless death. My heart is breaking I should have gone first why my child is all I scream. I have 2 other sons and they are grieving badly for thier sister so I try to keep my grief away from them so I can help them on the outside I look ok on the inside I feel iv died with her. I keep saying what if she laid there crying for me what if she had been laying there in pain what if I had been there and could have helped did I say I loved her enough did I help her when she needed it I question myself all the time,why was she taken there are so many bad people out there why mine x

Robyn - posted on 08/29/2013

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Michelle -
I am so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to not be able to accept the loss of your beautiful daughter. I feel the same way about mine. I don't know how to cope with the grief. I just cry all the time, or else I obsessively think about how I could have/should have saved her. I started going to a grief counselor, I'm hoping that will help. If it does help, it will probably take a while. I have two friends who both lost their adult children, and talking with them is good. They are both feeling more normal now. One lost her son 8 years ago to suicide, and one lost her daughter 5 years ago because of epilepsy. They both told me that it's important to go to a grief group, like the Compassionate Friends, because it makes you realize how many other people have suffered the same pain as you have. Right now all I do is look around at other people with their happy little families and it makes me angry that my family has been destroyed. Just remember to keep breathing and try to take care of yourself. You don't want your remaining loved ones to suffer the pain of losing you.

Michelle - posted on 08/27/2013

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Hi, I lost my beautiful daughter 4 weeks ago with no warning I still can not except she has gone I don't think I ever will. She was only 26 years old had a son who she adored and adored her like we all did. How do others cope with thier grief, it hurts so badly

Robyn - posted on 08/21/2013

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Marie -
I would love to see the article you wrote. Please send it. My e-mail address is rcoppedge@comcast.net
I have not gone to any Compassionate Friends meetings yet, but both of my friends who lost their children say that I should.
You were saying that you are afraid that you will forget the voices of your children. I am afraid that all my memories will fade away, and I will have only photographs. I have a poor memory, and there are so many things I have already forgotten about the 32 years I had with my precious daughter. I have started (sort of obsessively) writing down everything I can remember. It hurts so much to realize that I will never see her again.

Marie - posted on 08/21/2013

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Oh, and sorry, forgot to answer your question, Robyn. Yes I attend Compassionate Friends - Johannesburg Chapter. I just go to the meetings of parents with children who committed suicide. Although my son did not commit suicide but died of a heart attack, my darling daughter's suicide on 1 Feb has "floored" me and I NEED to be with people who understand the questions, the anguish and we encourage one another. I am so grateful for Compassionate Friends. They phone me regularly to find out how I'm doing. But no matter what, there is still a hole in my heart where once 2 beautiful children had their space. Now its only the memories, and Oh how it hurts. Worst is tonight I got this fear that I will forget their voices!

Marie - posted on 08/21/2013

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Hi Robyn. Thanks for the communication. Wow, it really sounds as if you and your daughter had the same close bond. It is awful, absolutely awful. If you have an email address I would like to send you an article I wrote, it is published in this month's issue of the Joy Magazine. I have a copy, so it will be easy. Robyn, today was so hard again. We will never be the same again, we need to realise that. BUT we need to carry on, cherishing, nourishing, appreciating the beautiful children we birthed. What a privilege to have been chosen as their mothers, even though their going is the most painful thing to go through. I pray you keep strong, as I am trying to.
Much love
Marie

Robyn - posted on 08/20/2013

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Oh, Marie. I am so sorry. Your pain, in losing your two children, is unimaginable. My daughter, Shayne, was also beautiful, artistic, and intelligent. It seems that life is so much harder for artists. They feel everything so much more deeply than other people do, and it makes it so hard for them to make it through this world. Your words echo my exact feelings. I do not know how to live without my friend, my sister, my daughter. I thought she and I would grow old together, laughing and talking together as we always did, just enjoying each others' company. I can't bear the thought of never seeing her again. She was my baby, even at 32 years old, I still called her my baby. I would have done anything to help her; I would have done anything to save her. My life and your life have both been destroyed. I have two friends who both lost adult children. It helps to talk to someone who understands what you're going through. Is there a "Compassionate Friends" group near where you live?

Marie - posted on 08/19/2013

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I lost my two children, both were 42 years old when they passed on. My son was a soft, gentle father of two children (with one adopted). He had a weak heart and on 10 April 2010 he just went unexpectedly. My beautiful son, my Dennis as I called him. God knows the pain is something terrible. It took so long to just start functioning like a normal person again. In the meantime his eldest sister was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, lost her job and had to move in with me and my hubby. Fortunately we had a cottage. She was my friend, my sister, my daughter. She was beautiful, artistic, intelligent and so funny. Yet on 1 February she commiteed suicide by hanging and I was the one who found her. Life has since been a black hole.. I move around but grope and search for light and life again. I loved her so much, I am so sore, it is sometimes unbearable. Today the longing for BOTH hit me like a sledgehammer again. HOW I managed to keep my job is beyond me. Oh man, this is wrong..

Robyn - posted on 08/11/2013

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It's past midnight and I am just sitting and watching the memorial slideshow with pictures of my beautiful daughter, Shayne. And I'm crying. I want to see her and to talk and laugh with her. I want to hug her and give her a big kiss on the cheek. We were so close, and she would talk to me about things that most kids would never talk to their moms about. Shayne was an artist and a scientist and a poet, and she always showed me the beauty in this world. She would say things like "come outside and look at the moon, it's amazing," She never missed a moment of beauty. I can't even appreciate anything beautiful anymore, because it seems so unfair that she can't be here to see it. Why did she have to die? She was only 32. She loved life so much. She wanted to travel and see all the beauty in the world. She wanted to find true love and get married. Why has she been denied these things? Why do others get to live to be 90? This is all just so WRONG.

Maria - posted on 08/05/2013

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Hi hope I too lost an adult child but she wasn't married nor did she have a child. Tomorrow is fifteen months my beautiful Linda died on her birthday and nothing has been the same since. I wish I had a little grandchild because at least your son lives in your future grandchild look at that baby and you will see your son . I will never have that with my Linda . One day hopefully one of my other daughters get married and will have a baby and I will see some part of my Linda in them. I am totally destroyed and so is my family. We are in therapy now and it really helps. I know they say time heals but it doesn't when we lost our angels part of us went with them I feel all your pain. No one knows the pain unless you have been in it .

Wendy - posted on 07/30/2013

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Robyn: it does seem like a horrible dream ,I don't believe there is a God,too many good people die.I want to slap people who tell me God has a plan.The physical pain of losing my son hurts so much,there is a hole in my heart that can never be mended.I hope you have some caring people around you it's the only thing keeping here.I'm sending you a hug

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