Katie - posted on 01/22/2009 ( 16 moms have responded )
My name is Katie. I have a 2 year old daughter, Keira, that is the most beautiful girl I have ever known. My husband and I wanted at least two kids, a boy and a girl. In 2008, we decided that we would, not try exactly, but stop not trying to have another baby. I found out in April that I was pregnant. We were both estatic, even though we soon began worrying about finances and how we would pay for everything.
We had no reason to believe that something would go wrong. My pregnancy with Keira went wonderfully. The only thing that went wrong was when I went into labor, her heartbeat kept dropping when I would have a contraction. It turned out that her cord prelapsed and we had to have an emergency cesarean section. Not what I had planned, but not a big deal. We bonded just fine and now it seems like I've always had her. We're not perfect parents, but we do what we can to help her grow and understand.
Back to last April, I went to the gynocologist and she mesured me at 6 weeks. She did an ultrasound, I saw the heartbeat...everything was fine. I was waiting for confirmation that everything was okay to tell my family/friends etc, and gyn said that would be fine. She scheduled me for fetal medicine for a proper ultrasound in two weeks. I had a really bad migrane a few days later that caused me to go numb in some of my body for longer than usual. We had to go to the ER and they gave me an IV to calm me down. I let them know that I was pregnant, but they were indifferent and schedule an appointment with my OBGYN, but everything was fine. A few days later I had a dream that I was back in my hometown at the church my family still goes to and I started bleeding. My dad was there and he told me everything was going to be ok. When I woke up, once I got past the emotions, I told myself i was just worried about the pregnancy and my migraine incident. When I went to my fetal medicine appointment, they did a genetics counceling and said that I wasn't at risk, even though my mom had a still birth and 2 miscarriages herself.
Then comes the hard part. I go in with the nurse to the room with the ultrasound. She's talking to me about the weather, if I had any other kids, etc when she says she has to go get a doctor. Okay...i thought. Somethings going on. Little did I realize when I was watching them measure my bean that something was absent. That very same heartbeat that I had saw at my last appointment was absent, only I hadn't noticed yet. It wasn't until the doctor came in and did measurements again and asked, with a noticible amount of concern in his eyes, what I was measuring at my last appointment. I told him 6 weeks and he said that it was only measuring at 7 and that there was no heartbeat. At first, I couldn't stop crying. I didn't know where it was coming from. I wasn't shocked because in the subconsious part of my mind, I already new. But I guess I just didn't want to accept it. I was angry. I blamed the doctors that did nothing when I had a horrible migraine. I know that was what had caused it.
When I was driving away from the hospital I was held up at a light for 20 minutes. What held me up was a convoy of miscellaneous vehicles that the cops where letting through. It wasn't until I saw a military HMV with a flag that I realized it was a funeral procession for, from what I can tell, 5 soldiers who had fallen in the line of duty. This puts a miserable twist on what my mind was already pouring over. What if my baby had lived? What if he or she would have grown up and died after I KNEW them. Wasn't it a blessing that God took my baby now? Wouldn't it have been all the more terrible to have carried him or her longer? I was grateful that I wasn't one of those mothers sitting next to her daughter or son's coffin waiting to hear the melancholic TAPS play and remember giving birth and every innocent little thing they did that made one remember how wonderful it was to be a child. I called my mom on the way to tell my husband. Hearing the sadness in her voice brought my tears back but the cave in my chest didn't allow any of the convulsions to continue. I was hollowing out and feeling less, which is what I was expecting as symptoms of acceptance. I got to my husband at work and I could tell he already knew by the way I called and asked him what his exact location was. I cried again when I explained, feeling less and less human. A few days later I had my DNC because the doctor believed it would be easier because I was so far along. The proceedure was simple. They put me under, I woke up, I was a little sick to my stomach and dizzy, but that was it. My husband and I didnt' say much on the way home. I slept for the rest of the day and was back to work the next day. I had sent an email before hand to a friend at work asking if she would send out an email to everyone that I told and tell them what had happened and request that they not bring it up. It seemed to do the trick, though I did get a few people who didn't know I was pregnant in the first place and ask where I had been. I lied and told them I was sick. The way I looked, they believed me.
Time passes anyhow, no matter what vortex you're trapped in. A friend at work said that she had a dream that one of us were pregnant. I had a dream within a week that I was bleeding again. That weekend I had a positive pregnancy test. I was furious with myself. I didn't want to be pregnant again, even though my OBGYN and my husband said that we should try againas soon as possible. I only had one full period after my miscarriage. I was terrified that it would be the same. In spite of myself, I kept taking my vitamins and drinking water, trying to sleep, didn't drink any more wine, exercised, etc. I eventually felt that I needed to be positive about this otherwise I would be miserable anyhow. I started feeling excited again, and I scheduled another appointment with my OBGYN. I didn't know how far along I would be because I wasn't keeping track. My doctor did another ultrasound and decided that the heartbeat hadn't formed yet because I was still pretty early. She scheduled another ultrasound with a dr that has equipment better suited for the early stages of pregnancy. During that week we went for a visit to my husbands hometown in St. Louis, where my daughter Keira was born. We had a good time being around family and friends. I was relaxed, happy to be away from work and stresses. I felt good. The day before we came back, there was a little blood spot. I've heard that that was normal, we did have sex that night, and I had an appointment for the next day for the ultrasound.
The next day I went to my appointment and the lady with the equipment for early stage pregnancy's took a look at me. She said that there was no heartbeat and I told her that my doctor said there wasn't one last week and she thought that it just hadn't formed yet. Well, that may have been the case last week, but from what the doctor saw, it should have had a heartbeat and it didn't. They recommended 8 white pills that I had to put up inside my uterus and it would immediately shed the fetus, etc that was formed.
To anyone who could ever have a choice between a DNC and the pills...please, for your santity, have a DNC done. I did as I was instructed and place the 8 pills up as far as they would go. I decided to clean weeds off of the drive way. In about 3 hours, I started to get back pain. Then it became more frequent. I went up to use the restroom and was feeling dizzy. I had started bleeding a little, so I put on a pad and layed down on the bed. These pills created contractions so horrible that I was screaming. I had a neighbor come knock on the door because he though he heard something. Luckily my husband came home and told him everything was fine. The pain lasted for about 4 hours, just like contractions. They would start and build to a unbearable level, and then go back down. They don't tell you when they give you the pills that you get to see your placenta come apart in the toilet or other blobs of things that you can only imagine the worst of. I bleed for 2 weeks straight afterword.
The weeks went by slowly but unnoticibly. I was unable to fall asleep. Once I did fall asleep, I woke up several times. I turned to alcohol to numb my senses, and it worked well for a while. If you've ever seen "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof" than you could compare me with Paul Newman. I was waiting for that metallic click. It wasn't affecting my job and I never had much of a social life. I tried sleeping pills, ambien, and they didn't work. I tried sleeping pills with alcohol and still nothing. I decided if nothing was going to work, then I would be doing nothing. I was tired of drinking. I still can't sleep, but I've decided that maybe my body thinks that I'm still pregnant. Of course it would be preparing me for a newborn. Making sleep less of a priority.
I'm somewhere in between acceptance and aversion. My OBGYN said it was probably just bad luck. I really don't want my daughter to not have any siblings, but I'm terrified that I will have to go through all of that again. I love my daughter and I should be glad that I have her and I am. My Heart is just so heavy and lost that I don't know what to do. I'm only 23. I need to talk to someone so that I know that I'm not alone. I know that there are no answers that could explain why this happened to me. God works in mysterious ways. And I've always believed that everything happens for a reason. I just want to know the reason. What did I do wrong to give me this bad luck. And why do I always feel so alone.