Chula - posted on 11/17/2009 ( 2 moms have responded )
WOW! I thought I was alone in this world with my pain. Not a day goes by that I do not think of my children. I walk down the street, go into a store, at church and every little face I see reminds me of my children I have lost. I have a beautiful 17 year old daughter that I try to stay strong for. She feels my pain and she too is in pain. I'm beginning to think it never goes away. Sometimes and I've been told that with time the pain lessens but it just seems to grows in me. I do not know if it's because I'm getting older and the chance of me becoming pregnant are going down. I lost my first baby on April 25 2000. I was 17 weeks pregnant and could not have been happier. I was having a baby boy which I was naming Craig Anthony after his father. The morning of April 25, I woke up and something just did not feel right. I stayed home from work and tried not to think too much about it. That evening I went into labor. The pain was excrutiating I just remember hoping that my baby would be ok. I never got to see my baby after I delivered him because my boyfriend thought it would not be a good idea. I never got to hold him or kiss him goodbye or even lay him to rest because my boyfriend told the dr to "get rid of it"! My second baby, a little girl named Gemma Alondra was lost on the same day of my sons anniversary, how ironic, April 25, 2006. I had gone for a check up on April 24. I had been going in to the dr on a regualar basis because they told me I had gestational diabetes. That Friday before on April 21, the dr had told me everything looked good. To keep up with my diet and make sure I kept my sugar levels down. I was now 14 weeks pregnant. On Monday April 24 I went in and everything was good I went home happy thinking God is going to let me keep this baby. That night I went into labor again. I was rushed to the hospital and hooked up to the machines. They were hoping they could just keep me in the hospital in bed rest so I could try and hold the baby as long as possible. That night my baby's heart stop beating. I kept thinking, how is it possible to loose 2 babies on the same date. I lost my 3rd baby, Luna Savannah, on April 1, 2008. I remember I kept thinking.."the dr is going to walk through that door and say "April Fools"! My children would be 9, 3 and 1 now. Just today I went to Kohls and I saw so many beautiful dresses and toys and once again I found myself crying. A lady walks up to me and asks me if I'm ok. I feel like yelling at the top of my lungs "NO I'M NOT OK"! but I just walk away. I go home empty handed. My daughter can tell there is something wrong and she just comes up to me and hugs. I do not have to say anything, she knows my pain. I feel bad because i do not want her to think that she is not special to me.