my first son died 7yrs ago ive had two gorgeous children since but still finding it very hard to cope with i was never given much support after the death of my child as family/friends refused to talk about it

Samantha - posted on 02/20/2009

Have you been to the cemetary at all, Charmaine? I was just wondering if you know why you don't want to go? (sorry if that's a stupid question) Some people don't like to visit because they see it as just being a place where their angel's 'shell' is, and others because it is too upsetting.

Have you been to any counselling or bereavement groups?

I used to attend a bereaved parents group, before it was finished last year and I found that a great help. I was amazed how many mums, really local to me, had lost babies. There is about 4 or 5 bereaved mums just at my son's school.

Our group used to meet fortnightly and there was around 11-13 mums who had lost babies, from still births, to SIDS and a mum who had lost an older child to meningitis. That to me was the absolute worst and it amazed me how this mum could drag herself out of bed in the mornings. I look at my 2 year old now and it freezes my blood to imagine life without him. Sorry, I'm getting a little maudling now.

Have you spoken to your doctor about how you feel? I know you said your family aren't very supportive, but what about your partner? When we lost our babies my husband did his best to just ignore things. I would try to talk to him, but he would change the subject. I got to the stage where I would force him to cuddle me and just cry on his shoulder. Even now, when we visit the cemetary, I know he finds it hard to acknowledge! How stupid is that? With the bloody headstone right in his face?!

I sit by their grave, sorting out their flowers and he sometimes comes over and pats me on the head or puts his hand on my shoulder, but most of the time he will walk over to the boundary wall with the two boys and look at the horses. Apparently, men grieve differently?

I would give your doctor a try. I don't know how you feel about medication, would you consider accepting any from your GP or perhaps he can refer you to a counsellor. I know SANDS (?stillborn and neonatal deaths? - or something similar?) are nationwide and I know a few people who have used them and thought them amazing.



Do you have any photos of your little boy? I have a few memory boxes full of Scarlett and Summer's stuff. I mean, there is allsorts of junk in there, receipts for sandwiches and bus tickets, but every so often I will get them out and go through. It is upsetting, but it does me good, I think?



I put photos up of Scarlett and Summer and talk to my older boy about them, he was 4 at the time, so he remembers a little. I have a locket with their pictures in and my little boy will sit and look at the pictures and say their names. I think the worst thing we can do is let our angels be forgotten.



I'm sorry to babble on, but I can't stop thinking about you. I hope you find some peace soon and please keep posting.

Mandi - posted on 02/19/2009

Maybe that day will come when you can visit his grave. It is such a big step, there is so much finality when you go out there. Just don't feel rushed, if it happens it happens.

I think at some point we all feel guilty. There are days that go by and I have not thought about Josie much and that makes me feel guilty. I feel like I should think about her more and not have a smile on my face. That I should not go forward with my life, that I am leaving her behind somehow. As more time passes I feel farther away from her, and I hate that. I want to go back so bad, just one more day.

My family has a hard time talking about my daughter also. When we get together for family gatherings it hurts that no one wants to talk about her or acknowledge that she was here. But like you said it is just there way of dealing with the loss. At least we have places like this to vent and share with each other.

Charmaine - posted on 02/18/2009

hi thanx for all your replies im so sorry about all your losses and grateful that you could share them with me it helps a lot being able to talk to other people who have gone through and are still going through the same, i dont know how to word it but the same situation as me. In response to stephanie ashcraft about the book 'the grieving handbook' where would i be able to purchase this? and in response to samantha fullelove, thank you for everything you said there it really helps a lot and i do to understand what you are going through, i get more weepy than angry though i cry about it all the time but always in private as i find no one will talk with me or understands what im going through and i also feel like people think that i should have got over it by now so am finding it harder and harder to bring up the subject anymore although i have desperatly wanted to talk about it with someone, i have a very small family who seemed to have blocked out tha fact that i ever lost my boy but i suppose that was just there way of coping. It will be my boys 7th birthday on the 23rd of march and i have so desperatly wanted to go to his grave but i have never managed to bring myself to do it and it makes me feel so guilty for not going its just too much of a reality knowing my baby boy is buried there and i find that so hard to deal with i just cant bring myself to do it.

Samantha - posted on 02/18/2009

Hi Charmaine, I really feel for you. I lost my twin girls who were born at around 24 weeks gestation. Scarlett lived for 3 weeks and Summer lived for almost 3 months. I have also had two children since we lost them, a boy at almost 3 and a little girl who's 6 months. (we already had a boy - he's 7 now) I honestly don't know what to say to you, I still have days when I want to strike out at someone. I tend to get angry rather than sad, I don't know if that's better or worse? But then I will have days when I get very weepy. Do you find that you do your crying in private? I hate getting upset in front of people especially after all this time, I feel like they think I should be 'over it' by now. Do you understand what I mean? do people make you feel like that? I went through a time when I couldn't keep away from the cemetary, then I couldn't face going at all. All I can say really is just do whatever feels normal for you. If you feel like crying, then bawl your eyes out, don't care what other people think, I'm going to take my own advice as well! It is my oldest twin's birthday on Saturday and I am always feeling rushed when we visit the cemetary, we always seem to call on our way to somewhere else, but on Saturday I am going to take as long as I want to.



Can you talk to anyone in your family? I am always here if you want to offload. I think it's better talking anonymously sometimes. I used to visit the BLISS chat rooms and I found it a huge amount of help and this place is just the same. It definitely helps to talk to others that have lost babies.

Mandi - posted on 02/18/2009

I lost my daughter Josephine 2 1/2 years ago. She was with us for 35 short days before we had to make the decision to take her off of life supoprt. She had a rare genetic defect that caused many internal problems. Still to this day we have no concrete answers as to why it happened and not sure if we will. We have since had a son, he is healthy and perfect. But having him does not replace my baby girl, that hole in my heart will never be filled. Some days the edges of that hole have tempered and softened but the empty space will remain - a life sentence. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of her, sometimes crying and sometimes just reflecting. One of the things that has helped me to move forward is being in support groups. The support groups I have been in were just for people who have had pregenancy or infant loss. This was a big help for me. We just sit and talk about our stories and offer help and support. It is nice to be in a place where no one judges you about how you feel and they in a sense know how you feel. In no way will I ever be over the death of my daughter but finding support from these group or friends has given me tools to move in the right direction. Any chance I get I will talk about Josephine, I love to share her life with others.



I visit my daughters spot often. (i don't like to say her grave, to depressing for me) We keep lots of stuff out there to make it pretty for her. It depends upon the day as to how I feel about it. Sometimes if gives me comfort, and I sit and talk to her for a long time. Other times I just sit and sob. Either way it is a release for me. Everyone is different and needs to do it at there own pace.



Someone told me to just lean into my grief. When the waves of grief come over me I just let them come and work through it at the time. I am just trying to not let grief be my identity. Trying to slowly embrace those happy moments in life. That I do have a life to live and there are things out there that can make me happy. Not always easy to realize but I have my moments.



I hope you have or can find someone to go through this with. Blessings to you

Stephanie - posted on 02/18/2009

im reading a book called The Grieving Handbook, it seemshelpful so far and a friend of mine that lost a child recomended it to me. its important to talk about your loss, don't hide your emotions or you may never fully recover. if you need more help like a support group ask your doctor they should be able to help...

     i lost my 4yr old daughter a month ago due to a heart problem she had since birth. it was the hardest thing i've ever done- burying my daughter.

    i hope that  you find peace and if you need to talk im hear and im a good listener...

Libby - posted on 02/17/2009

I lost my daughter in December at 20 weeks.  She was 7.4 ounces & 9 inches long.  She was still born but we did get to hold her that one evening.  My pain is very new and fresh but I have found my only comfort really to be from my husband.  I think people are afraid to talk to me about Trina.  My one best friend works where I used to work, and a former coworker told her to tell me she was "sorry for my situation".  I told my friend that it's not a situation, it's OK to say her name to me.  It will actually help me to hear it!  But you're right, not even other children can fill the gap our little ones leave behind.  I have two other boys, and I thank God they came before she did or else this whole thing would leave me crippled.  But my boys help me to live and move forward.  As for visiting your son's grave, I experienced that with my nephew.  I was very close to him and my brother in law, but whenever my BIL would ask if I wanted to go with him to the grave I found an excuse.  But one day I ran out of them and I went.  Later I told my BIL that I think I was just afraid that going to the grave would make it all real.  It was real.  But I realized going to the grave didn't hurt me anymore than I was already hurt.  It actually helps me to go there and take him things for his gravesite, and to pray while I'm there.  I may only be there 10 minutes or so at a time, but I haven't had any bad experiences when I go there.  I would say to wait until you're ready to go, but I wasn't ready to visit my nephew, but I was glad I went!