Need recommendations on moving forward from OUR murdered Princess

Monica - posted on 01/01/2010 ( 26 moms have responded )

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August 5th 2009, my baby girl was taken to the hospital and received treatment for an opiut overdose. She was in the care of my current boyfriends ex while he had gone to the dr. I received the call at 3 in the afternoon. I did not leave until Alexa was taken off life support August 6th late in the evening. It will be six months that we've lost our princess and the pain is still the same. We don't know what else to do. The detectives have yet to question the murderer of this beautiful, talented, sweet, caring angel. Her father and I are trying to move forward, I have yet to grieve for my angel due to the fact if I wasn't so strong for the both of us, one would not be here. I say Alexa is my baby girl for the last half of her life I filled the role of Mother/Mom who had abandoned her before she was 2yrs old. I dont know what to do, where to turn or how to start a process on finding and getting justice.

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Our Korbin was murdered at age 15 months. The justice system is terrible. The only rights victims have is to be in the courtroom during the trial. We DO NOT have the right to testify or even wear pictures of our children in the courtroom during the trial. The killer has a right to testify (and usually waves it). The defense attorney made every effort to imply that we were the "real abusers" and we were never even allowed the chance to testify against that. Our son's killer committed suicide the morning of the day the closing arguments and jury deliberations were to begin. As the news came in, the judge told the jury the defendant was dead and that they and the case were being dismissed. NOW THERE WILL NEVER BE A VERDICT FOR OUR SON'S MURDER EVEN THOUGH THERE IS STILL AN X IN THE BOX NEXT TO HOMICIDE ON HIS DEATH CERTIFICATE. The killer's psycho family will go on saying he was innocent. Victims have no rights to even a verdict at that far along in a trial even when it was the defendant's "choice" to not be present. However, even if the trial resulted in a guilty verdict, we would've felt no better, because there is no earthly justice or closure. The justice comes from our Heavenly Father, the closure comes when we are reunited with our children in heaven, and the hope to get us through until that day comes from Jesus, our savior. Everyday, we grieving mothers have to relearn how to live without our children and how to perform simple, daily tasks with a giant cloud of guilt, depression, and loss hanging over us. It is difficult. But ask God to help you. I have asked God to tell me what I need and then I randomly open HIS WORD. I go back and forth. Good days and bad. Trust that He is just as angry at the evil that happens in this world.

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Donna - posted on 01/16/2010

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Compassionate Friends. Worldwide organization of parents who have lost a child to death--regardless of the cause. Google them and find a chapter near you as well as helpful articles.

Michelle - posted on 01/15/2010

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We lost our son due to unknown causes. It is hard to heal when a part of you is still looking for answers. My husband and I will always have a part of us that will continue to do the research and look for answers that could finally give us the closure we need. But there is also the reality that we may never find out what happened to our son. What I can give you is the advice that our therapist gave my husband and I. Cry. No matter when the mood hits you- cry until there are no more tears left. Sit for as long as you want in her room, hold a picture of her in your hands or walk around the house with her favorite stuffed animal. The thing is to not hide from your grief. Let it flow into you- the sadness, anger, pain. The pain will never go away- anyone who says that is only fooling themselves. No, the pain will not go away, but over time it gets easier to live with. Have faith that justice will come in due time. For now celebrate the life of your daughter. Make a quilt out of her clothes. Scrapbook her life. Create a little shrine to her at home. Donate toys to a homeless shelter on her birthday and at Christmas. She is still a part of your life. You are still her mother and she will always be your daughter- death does not destroy those things. There are three songs that I play from our son’s funeral. They have helped me to grieve and understand, maybe they will help you. They are- “Untitled Hymn, (Come to Jesus)” by Chris Rice, “When I Don’t Know What To Do” by Tommy Walker, and “He’s My Son” by Mark Schultz.

Monica - posted on 01/14/2010

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yes i do believe. i do know he took her for the better. the answer i want i know i won't ever get. she is constantly in my thoughts, things my nephew says (her best friend) reminds me of her and in a way i think she comes thru him when he says these things so i know she's always around.

Talesha - posted on 01/14/2010

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Do you believe? GOD make no mistakes and looking for answers is not the way. Praise him for the time you had with your princess. Its hard I know my son had pnemonia and passed away. Be strong Be encouraged, and keep busy. Its okay to cry it starts the healing process, and now everything will remind you of her. I promise your heart will get lighter. I will be praying for you.

Monica - posted on 01/14/2010

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i've tried talking to eddie about it although hard because all we do is cry. he's working on rededicatating himself to God since we've got together. it's still hard for him and wakes up screaming for alexa. i myself have to wake up to keep him from running around crazy looking for her and telling him that she's not here with us physically anymore. it's still rough on all of us and the family. pushing us to our deepest sadness and still very hard to come out. we're all at different stages of grieving. what we want is an answer from the ex girlfriend as to what really happened that morning. she won't talk to anyone, eddie's made attempts to talk to her but she's running away from this and her own issues that she has with the state caused by what's happened. we all want justice, i more than anyone (next to eddie) for what she's done.

Tonya - posted on 01/12/2010

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Lynette, I hear what you're saying and that's so beautiful. I like to believe there's something that happens consciously after death, a soul or whatnot. I can't prove it entirely, but I've had some weird things happen to me when close people died to make me a believer. And I do think most psychics are quacks, but at the same time I've felt that all of us possess some weird 6th senses so I can't say I think they all are. And even if they are, if they're teaching messages like that then how could that be a bad thing? I really like to believe that it's real, too. You would know and don't let anyone take that away from you - the peace that experience brought you. I've often wished I could do something like that, myself, but I don't trust myself to find a legit psychic. LOL... I attract quacks and psychos not psychics. LOL...

That's really a beautiful message though and it's such a shame to think this poor man makes one mistake and is eaten up with guilt like that so much so that he doesn't even want to go outside for fear maybe he'll hurt someone else? Poor guy. He's created prison for himself even though society didn't.

I do agree with you about the responders. My daughter might (read: *MIGHT*) not have died if a lot of things had been done differently, such as asking questions rather than assuming shaken baby syndrome. (forgive me if I roll my eyes here). It's frustrating and I did often wish I could talk to those people. I don't want them fired, but it's like you said these people NEED to know they f-ed up!

There was a woman in Ohio once who was in an ambulance and ended up losing brain functions because the responders didn't act appropriately. The details are very hazy, but my point is that they were educated and learned from it. (sigh!)

I'm so glad to see how at peace you are with your son's death. That's all I'd really want for anyone who loses a child.

Lynnette - posted on 01/12/2010

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thank you Tonya.First...I dont hate the kid tho...and this may sound despirate and stupid (also against what I spiritually believe) but I went to a medium.She is very very good annd I waited a year for an appointment, but I gotta tell ya, it helped a great deal. She knew things she couldnt have known (even things we didnt know and found out later) unless she was actually talking to my son.I said this to say that my son said for us not to be mad at the guy who hit him and that they both werent paying attention. He said how could he be mad at someone who put him in such a wonderful place?.He said if we are bitter it will only hurt us...no one else. From what I hear, the guy who hit him dosnt drive anywhere and barely ever leaves his house. I wish I could talk to him...in a way.I would tell him about Brandon and tell him what I believe he told us that day so that maybe he could begin to heal from this tradgedy. There is no sense in his ruining his life...since tomorrow isnt promised to any of us. Besides...Brandon wouldnt want that. I am kinda pissed at the first responders tho. They're supposed to know what to do. In fact they get payed to know what to do. Up until that point, it was an accident...but once it was a situation it shold have been handeled correctly. My fear is that because no one was repremanded for their mistakes, they may be repeated. I just wish someone was held accountable. I would hate to think someone else willl be sitting in our shoes now or in the future because thoes people made the wrong call...again. Do you know what I mean? Anyway thanks to everyone for what youve said here...it feels good to talk about it and I appriciate your prayers of healing

Tonya - posted on 01/11/2010

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Lynette, all I can say is I'm so sorry that such a senseless tragedy had to happen. Hopefully in the future they now know to life-flight trauma patients and won't make that mistake again. In the meantime, try to forgive that idiot 21-year old. I can't imagine how hard that must be because if someone really did kill my manda-bear I'd hate them with a passion. But, imagine if he'd been brought up on vehicular homicide type charges manslaughter. He was only a kid himself at 21. Probably emotionally immature and his life would have been destroyed by that mistake. He must feel like dirt for killing someone. His guilt will carry into his life. It's just a shame that when something so huge happens to us that the world just keeps living, isn't it? It's like we search for a way to validate our children's lives, to make them mean something, to make them have mattered. (hugs)

Lynnette - posted on 01/11/2010

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the kid who hit my son on his bicycle didnt even get a TICKET! The accident report says Brandon was going in the opposite direction on the other side of the street.He was on his way home to get ready for work...but the way the bike flipped around and landed in the grass they couldnt tell so it all got messed up. Then the paramedics didnt call Life-flight. They called a regular ambulance. protocal states that any head trauma goes to the trauma center but they took him to the wrong place. Even the doctor was pissed and told us that if he was life- flighted to trauma he may have lived. The whole thing was a disaster and now he is gone. ...but this 21 yr old kid who hit him said he wasnt paying attention and didnt see him...and the cops didnt even give him a ticket! like it never even happened. There was never a court hearing or even a fine. I dont understand any of that.

Meryet - posted on 01/08/2010

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my heart goes out to anyone who has ever lost a child. it is the most painful thing any of us could ever go thru. my prayers are with each & every one of you

Roxanne - posted on 01/08/2010

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Thank you Lynnette well said. I think it takes time to come to that place. I think everyone here has come a long way in loving our children love is the one thing evil can not steal. I don't know how I will feel if there is an arrest in his case I pray I will not be like them and I will always feel my son's love it is a fine line between justice and hate we have to wake. I pray that love will always win out.

Lynnette - posted on 01/08/2010

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Monica...God dosnt take our children...the evil of the world does. God is the author and creator of life. Satan reigns over death. But our Lord God is there with open arms for our children when they pass into Heaven. Please explain to Eddie that the Lord did not take his child...(I thought that at one time too...but then I studied the Bible and prayed for understanding)God dosnt take away life but He is there as soon as we cross over. Your last breath here is followed by your first breath in His presence. Peace to you and yours

Vickie - posted on 01/05/2010

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I am so sorry for your lose. I too lost a beautiful little princess. People always tell me perhaps one day I'll understand why she died. You know what? it doesn't matter. She is still gone. No matter how she passed away, the fact is, she is gone. Let your heart gieve. A parent is the one who raises a child. Let your heart grieve because you loved her, and you cherish her memories. It's okay. She is in a place where only joy and light preside. My little princess was six, and her name was Arianne, and she was an angel of God. And angels are not meant to live with us on earth.

Tonya - posted on 01/05/2010

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It took me at least 3 months to leave the fog I was in. It took another 8 months to really begin a grieving process. But the unfortunate thing about a loss like this is that the grieving takes so many different forms: the loss of the loved one, the loss of who we were to that loved one, the loss of family, etc. It's much different when a 91-year old great-grandmother dies. We have memories to comfort us and it's the natural order of life after all, so we rationalize it and accept it.

I wish you a lot of comfort and peace.

Tonya - posted on 01/05/2010

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My daughter was said to have died as a homicide and I've proven this to be incorrect after 2.5 years and more of research and fighting. My husband is still sitting in prison for a crime no one committed. I see how it affects mothers and I am so glad that I chose to look for my own answers.

There are murders that happen and the trials have to be fair. The irony is that I thought my husband was railroaded. Not a single one of my family believed the accusations and yet - to talk about fairness - it's not fair when a person is innocent and accused either.

People tend to believe what they hear on TV and when a doctor claims with all his knowledge to know something and declares his opinion the courts take it as a fact. Overzealous detectives who couldn't investigate a murder if their lives depended on it and then a prosecutor who didn't feel that fair belongs in a courtroom almost sent my husband to the death row!

I urge you to find peace where you can because no matter what side you have to sit on the justice system falls short.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Monica - posted on 01/05/2010

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Emma - thanks, i may join.
Nicole - again there are no words. I do draw on the courage of her memories as she was strong and so mature for her age. I get strength by talking about her, telling her story, reliving the memories i have of her to keep going so that one day in the hopeful near future i can share her story and the memories i have of her to our children.

Nicole - posted on 01/04/2010

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Hi Monica, I am so sorry to hear about your beautiful Alexa. Unfortunately in this world we will never get justice for the ones we love & miss soooo dearly. My husband, 32 & son,3, were killed in July of this year by a man who decided he no longer wanted to live... his actions directly caused their deaths. I understand your need to stay strong for thoses around you (I have done the same for my family & my husbands family) but remember we also need to stay strong enough for ourselves! Take courage & strength in the memory of Alexa. I will be thinking of you & her father always. Remember we all grieve in our own way, at our own time BUT we MUST grieve!! Dont make my mistake & bottle it all up until it is all just to much xoxox Again thinking of you

Emmajayne - posted on 01/04/2010

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that must be the hardest thing in the world, i joined this sight cos i lost my lil girl she was prem, brought tears to my eyes reading your story hun, you will never forget that lil girl hun EVER, you get out your sadness and grieve hun, then you will mark special occasions and remember the good, thinking of you always, i have a group on face book called angels in the sky if you would like to join all my love to you and your family x

Heidi - posted on 01/03/2010

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I'm so sorry to read what had happend Monica. IT's hard to lose a child I know and I still grieve over my little boy that is gone. But I know that he is looking down from heaven with my brother that. Thinking off you and your familie.

Monica - posted on 01/03/2010

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Judy - thank you, that book was recommended from one of my boyfriends high school teachers when we had gone to church. to hear it from someone i don't even know assures me that it may help him.
Roxanne - i really don't know what to say as no one was able to know what to say to us when we lost Alexa. i'm sorry wouldn't even come close but i understand. i hope that Eddie (Alexa's dad) will be able to get thru this by reading your words. thank you.
Stephanie - i know the Lord has taken Alexa for His own good reason. for what and why we will not ever know. thank you for reminding me that it is He that i need to turn to. As for Eddie it may be hard for him to do so, he thinks that He should have taken him and not Alexa.
Grieving is something i am working on on my own, if i will ever fully grieve i'm unsure. i have had a lot of death in the recent of years and this one has hit my heart the most being as Alexa was only a child. An innocent in all of this. Justice i don't think we'll ever see. The ex's own child was taken from her and she is making no attempt to get custody back from her parents who aren't even fit to be guardians for this lil boy that my boyfriend once called "son" who we've recently found out asks for the one he grew to know as his "sissy" n "dada".

Roxanne - posted on 01/02/2010

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Hi My name is Roxanne I lost my son 8/16/08 to murder there has been no justice yet for him. He was 31 I am so grateful to have him in my life for that long. Not long after his death Oprah had a show of a couple who's babe was not going to live long I think 33 days thay took many pictures and video it was the most heart warming thing I ever seen. I was a widow at 25 he was 3 and a younger sister and brother at that time I felt so sorry for myself to have to do this job by myself we have had good times and not so good times children are very forgiveing. Justice dose not always come fast I call the police to let them know I have not forgot in our town there is a victoms advocate thay may be able to help.I will keep looking for justice for my son as I know you will be for your angel.God bless

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My heart goes out to you. I think you can be strong and still grieve, and you must grieve. Have you read the book, "The Shack," by Wm. Paul Young? The man in the story suffered an unbelievable loss, yet was able to forgive. Lots of wonderful theology in the book, and I view it as more of a goal to work toward than something I could do. Anyway, know that others share your grief and pray for you and your husband. Bless you for giving Alexa good years that she may not have had if it weren't for you.

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