Chanda - posted on 06/16/2009 ( 2 moms have responded )
I am so very hurt and angry right now.I have no idea how to handle it.
My real father is not in my life and hasnt been for many years.My choice,plus he is dead now anyhow.He mentally,emotionally,and physically abused my mom and us kids.And while i have been married for over 12 yrs now,until recently my father in law and i havent been that close.Now we are very close.I treasure that so much.He is now like a dad to me.I call him dad and he conciders me a daughter to him and even a daddys girl.Something i will always tressure.
I just lost my baby by way of miscarriage 1 day short of 12 wks into my pregnancy on May 23,2009.It has been devistating.No mater where you stand on the issue of life,we believe life starts at conception.It is a life not just an embro.It is a baby not just a fetus.I lost my baby.It had a head and eyes and arm buds.And i believe it had a heartbeat even if it was just for a very short time and even though i never was able to hear it before my child died.I know how hubby and i have handled it and i know how my mom and his mom has handled it.What i didnt know was how dad was handleing it.So i asked him.I was not ready for his answer.
He said it wasnt him that lost it,it was hubby and me.I said yes thats true but you did lose your grandchild.He said he didnt concider it a grandchild unless he physically sees it.My heart sank at those words.How could he say that? How could he deny my child existed? What because my child died before it had a chance to live life outside of the womb it is therefore not in the same boat as his other grandkids? Screw that.I cant and wont accept that ! By saying that he has denied my child and hurt hubby and i at a time when we are already hurt so much already from our loss.I hope and pray that maybe he just dont know how to handle death.Maybe he doesnt know how to except that the grandchild he started to get excited about is gone and now he wont see him till he gets to heaven.If its not that ,then i definatly cant understand why he would say or think this.I tried to talk with him about it and he wouldnt hear of it.Instead he tells me that we would talk about it at a later time but he doesnt want to hear or diiscuss it anymore at this time.What! He thinks that because he doesnt want to face this right now ,it just ends.He might be able to shut himself off from this but i cant.I have to deal with the pain every waking moment.Now I must deal with the pain i am already feeling plus now the hurt and pain he has caused on top of it.
Its been over 2wks since that conversation and we havent talked or seen each other.Its taring me apart.I got so close to him and it feels like he is throwing away our relationship.I talked with his ex aka my mother in law and found out he doesnt deal well with death.He has done this to her to when she went through miscarrages.I talked with our pastor and he said that this is just how he handles death and grieves and i shouldnt judge him for it.I am trying to do that but its so hard.Its SO painful how he is doing me.I think its BS.I can understand that he takes it hard and needs time to cope but to blow us off and act like i and hubby dont exsist-no not acceptable.
Need some advice here.Has anyone had this happen to them with any family and if so how did you cope? What should i/we do ? Continue to let the wedge be between us and wait it out till he comes to us -if he ever does? Write him an email expressing how we feel and how badly he is hurting us? Any other ideas? All i do know is that i am already having a hard enough time coping with this loss and now with what he is doing to me -its making everything 10 times harder to cope.I just now got a real dad and then he takes my heart and ripps it to shredds and doesnt seem to even care. :(