Natasha - posted on 10/16/2009 ( 14 moms have responded )
I lost my beautiful daughter Samantha (Sami to us) just 13 months ago, she was 7 wks and two days old. I already had a three year old boy and now have a four month old baby boy (I'm sure you can see by this that the gap was very small, 10 and a half months to be precise). I often have guilt over moving on and having another baby, although the pregnancy came as quite a shock to me because after we lost our daughter I was starting to think "Thats it for me, I'll raise the son I have and be grateful for him, I can't stand the idea of anything happening again." Life had a different plan and although, yes, I do know how pregnancy happens, I am completely honest when I say I don't know how this one came about! But despite being an accident, my baby is no less special and I'm glad the decision was taken out of my hands. I always say that my daughter knew better than me and knew I would need a baby to carry on, because he has been the biggest blessing and I can't imagine life without him now.
However this happiness does not come untarnished. I still feel guilt over my happiness, my son in no way replaces the daughter I lost, not just because he is not a girl (I am actually glad he is not a girl, as at this stage it might have been too hard for me not to constantly think of a girl as Sami and that would have been unfair on a child. More proof to me of the divine intervention of my daughter and God combined!) but also because no two babies are the same. I could have everything in the world, but all I'll ever want is another day with my daughter. And I just wish that I couldn't feel people judging me like I am trying to replace my daughter with a new baby! I love my girl more than words can say, but I was not meant to stop after her death, I had more love to give, I was meant to have another baby. My son reminds me of her so much, they have the same pouty lips and little nose..... I could go on and on!
I was just wondering if there is anyone else who has had a baby close to the death of their child and felt guilt over it? And if so how have you/are you handling it?