New baby after the loss of a child.

Natasha - posted on 10/16/2009 ( 14 moms have responded )

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I lost my beautiful daughter Samantha (Sami to us) just 13 months ago, she was 7 wks and two days old. I already had a three year old boy and now have a four month old baby boy (I'm sure you can see by this that the gap was very small, 10 and a half months to be precise). I often have guilt over moving on and having another baby, although the pregnancy came as quite a shock to me because after we lost our daughter I was starting to think "Thats it for me, I'll raise the son I have and be grateful for him, I can't stand the idea of anything happening again." Life had a different plan and although, yes, I do know how pregnancy happens, I am completely honest when I say I don't know how this one came about! But despite being an accident, my baby is no less special and I'm glad the decision was taken out of my hands. I always say that my daughter knew better than me and knew I would need a baby to carry on, because he has been the biggest blessing and I can't imagine life without him now.

However this happiness does not come untarnished. I still feel guilt over my happiness, my son in no way replaces the daughter I lost, not just because he is not a girl (I am actually glad he is not a girl, as at this stage it might have been too hard for me not to constantly think of a girl as Sami and that would have been unfair on a child. More proof to me of the divine intervention of my daughter and God combined!) but also because no two babies are the same. I could have everything in the world, but all I'll ever want is another day with my daughter. And I just wish that I couldn't feel people judging me like I am trying to replace my daughter with a new baby! I love my girl more than words can say, but I was not meant to stop after her death, I had more love to give, I was meant to have another baby. My son reminds me of her so much, they have the same pouty lips and little nose..... I could go on and on!

I was just wondering if there is anyone else who has had a baby close to the death of their child and felt guilt over it? And if so how have you/are you handling it?

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Kristen - posted on 02/04/2012

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My fourteen year old daughter died Dec. 21, 2009 and my son was born September 18, 2011. She was my only child at the time. I understand the part of being grateful for a son after the death of a daughter. I also think God understood my prayer and anxiety over a baby girl. I also miss my daughter and when my son was born I couldn't believe how much he looked like her. He is now four months and I am still amazed. He is beautiful and I am grateful for my son. He has brought joy once again into me and my husband's life and I can see a joyful future with him.

Shelbi - posted on 01/13/2012

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I had a little girl Macey January 2011 she was my first child and lost her on her 1 month birthday ( she was born premature with an omphalocele and they celebrate the little things in the NICU). She spent her whole life in the NICU never got to eat, poop, pee, or be held skin to skin. When I lost her I went into the darkest place i've ever been in my life. I lost her when I was 18 and a single mother. Now i'm in nursing school, in a new relationship and I found out on my daughters 1st birthday that I was pregnant. Doctors guess that I am roughly 6 or 7 weeks pregnant. I'm so nervous about this baby and what could potentionally happen. I could never go through that again, and while I'm excited and happy to be pregnant I feel so much guilt and pain for my baby girl I lost. I found out on her birthday when I should be celebrating her and it clouded my thoughts. I feel like Macey had her hand in this pregnancy knowing I need to move on with my life but as a mother I feel like im forgetting her.

I just don't want to let her down and forget her, and i'm afraid that this will happen with my new pregnancy.

Natalie - posted on 01/04/2012

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Please don't feel guilt. Chances are your baby that passed sent the baby your pregnant with down to be with you and to heal some of your still open wounds. I had found out I was pregnant about 8 months after my son died from SIDS. Unfortunately that pregnancy resulted in a miscarriage, and I felt even more guilty because I didn't want Anthony to feel like he was being replaced and I had begun to love the baby I was pregnant with. After some time to think the guilt feeling subsided and I didn't feel that way anymore. Since then I had my daughter who is now 1 and I had her about 3.5 years after my son passed. Since you posted this back in 09 I pray that your not feeling guilty anymore and that everything is going great with you and your kids. God bless!

Lerato - posted on 12/06/2011

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I've been wondering if this is wrong, then I say your article. I lost my 2yr old daughter in August this year, last week Tuesday Ifound out I'm 3 weeks pregnant. I was just as shocked and filled with guilt. It's only been 4 months, how can this be? I haven't even told anyone in the family or at work cause I don't know how they are going to take it.

Bambi - posted on 10/19/2009

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Your not alone! I feel like I am betraying my daughter by being pregnant with this little girl. I lost her on June 5th 2008. I am scared that she thinks we are moving on without her. We go see her every week and it's gotten to where I can't bear to go see her because of the guilt.

Tammy - posted on 10/18/2009

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My first child was born on12/27/03 and passed away on 12/31/03. He was only 4 days old,but was on life support for the whole time he was here. Six months later I got pregnant with my daughter who is now 4. I wanted another baby so bad so we started trying when my doctor okayed it. When my daughter was born she looked almost identical to my son. If there pictures are side by side you almost can't tell them apart. Now I look at her and wonder if my baby boy would have looked like her. I watch her sleeping and can see my son in her face. I miss him everday and even though she doesn't take his place, she helps to fill the hole in my heart that he left. I feel guilty about being happy and I think that holds me back a little bit at times. She is such a treasure, but often I still feel like something is missing and I know its because he isn't here with me. There will be good days and there will be bad days. All I can say is you have to take it day by day. I am so sorry for your loss.

Natasha - posted on 10/18/2009

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Carol: please don't think my grief is more because I had her longer. The grief is for a child missing every day and that is the same for you. My boys are doing so well, happy and healthy. My eldest however was so scared about the new baby, assuming that it too would leave us. It took months of reassurance (and reassuring myself) that this would not happen again and the actual proof (the fact that his brother is still with us) to make him see.



Charmaine: I too hold onto the fact that all happens for a reason, how else do we pull through? Wishing you all the best for your pregnancy.



JJ: Your friend is so right. I don't think my son would be here if not for my daughter not being here. I believe she truly knew what she was giving us and the same for you.



Jen: HE has his hand in everything and aren't we grateful?



Kendra: Your fear is my fear, my way of getting through is to be in the moment, take one day at a time, each moment you are pregnant is wonderful, when you hold your baby, victory! And so on.....my baby is four months and I still have fears, I also have fears for my three year old. Its a matter of checking myself at times and taking a deep breath and analysing my fear of the day (they always crop up!): how likely is this to happen? What can I do to prevent it? Once I've asessed that and done all I can then I hand it over. I do this daily, sometimes several times. Mothers naturally fear for their children (born or unborn), but only a mother who has lost can understand this level of it. I hope this helps you.



Jess: I have a similar story. My daughter was due on the 17th of July '08, she came on the 25th. As you know when your pregnant that date becomes so significant. My son was due on the 11th of June '09 but came on the 17th. I took it as a little sign from her like that due date still had to be used. So the 17th is always significant. Funny when I worked out my due date for him originally I thought the 17th but forgot about it til my friend reminded me after he was born that I had predicted that!



Billie Jean: I understand what you mean, I always wonder what Sami would be like at the age she would be now, its hard not to. And my son reminds me so much of her. Most days thats a great thing, others its hard. But I love him for him and give him love freely.



Thanks for everyones support!

Carol - posted on 10/17/2009

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I had a daughter that was born preemie. She was to small to survive. Exactly one year, less one day I have a son. He was also a preemie but survived. It is hard to deal with, I don;t consider myself in the same situation as you simply because my girl didn't live but a few hours, you got weeks with yours. That makes it even harder on you. Keep your self busy, focus on the children you have. They should not suffer from this. It will get easier, it just takes time. Pray!

Charmaine - posted on 10/17/2009

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I am currently 11 weeks pregnant and I know exactly how you feel . We lost our son Treyvyn just 7.5 months ago and I feel guilty everyday. I love my son so much and it hurts to think that I will have another baby so soon after his passing but hopefully this feeling will get less intense as time goes by. I have to beleive that these things happen for a reason.

JJ - posted on 10/17/2009

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I can relate to that. I have had a total of 3 pregnacies. My first son will be 3, he was born at 33 weeks. He had to stay in the NICU for 3 weeks when he was born. He is fine now. Then I got pregnant with my daughter when he was 10 months old. Everything went fine with that pregnancy up until I went in for my 5 month ultrasound ( the one where you get to find out if it's a boy or girl) I was completely devasted there was no heart beat. That was something I was not expecting. To keep a long story short. I ended up having her at home on Valentnes's Day. I ended up getting a DNC and the doctors told me it would take me awhile to get pregnant again. Well not even a month later I got pregnant with my son. I was in complete shock. I was so scared, I didn't want to lose another baby or go through a premature birth again. I felt guilty when I was pregnant with hm because I still would get so sad and depressed because I missed my daughter so much. I still get sad, but a good friend of mine really helped me cope. She said your son is a complete miracle. She said think about it, when you got pregnant with him you would have been 7 months pregnant with her. If she would of lived he would not be here. She said so how do you choose. She gave up her life for him. When I put it in that perspective it makes some since, but I still do miss her and I still always wonder what she would be like. My son is a blessing in away, no he will never replace her, but he really truely is a gift. I actually did bring him home on Christmas Day.

Jen - posted on 10/17/2009

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Hi, I too lost a baby girl. back in march. she was still born at 37 weeks. I no another baby will not replace our alexandria, however i wanted a baby to bring home. and even if we had alexandria as planned i would have wanted another baby. she was my first so it was really hard on me, didnt think God thought i was good enough to be a mother, even tho i am wonderful with all my nieces and nephews. And just yesterday i found out i am pregnant again. it was the happiest i have felt in a long time. Any ways. the point being you should not feel guilty for "moving on". life must go on and we can't sit and wallow over the past for ever, its not like you have or ever will forget about sami. she is and always will be your little girl. I wondered for a while how long i should wait to try again. and we decided to not take precautions and prevent a baby but to leave it in Gods hands, if we were meant to have another we would and when we were ready God would no and he would grant us this beautiful gift.

God gave you your baby boy because HE new you were ready and HE KNOWS you will never for get sami. Enjoy your blessing, don't feel guilty, life is wonderful and nothing to feel guilty for. :)

i hope this helps you in some way.

Kendra - posted on 10/17/2009

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Hi, I'm Kendra and I have a similar story also. It's so hard to find a person to talk to that has experienced the same thing that i've been through. I lost my 1st child which was a boy, he was 2wks 1 day old. I had him at only 28 wks and he seemed to healthy for a preemie. But he developed something called NEC which is an infection in the intestines. His 1st B-day was Sept. 6 and I still think about my baby boy EVERYDAY! It's so hard because it was my 1st born and I never expected something like that to happen. But now I'm 20wks into another pregnacy and I'm scared to death. I keep thinking that maybe something will go wrong I can never rest hardly from that thought. I was wondering if you have any tips on how not to worry so much. Thanks for listening!

JESSICA - posted on 10/16/2009

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my son was taken away on feb 1 st 99 and later that year i found myself pregnant just about not even 2 weeks after what would of been on his 6th birthday i went to the dr for my first visit an like they always do go back n find the day you got pregnant , well i think my son wanted us to have another child born on that day the 24th day of oct was the day i got pregnant and then i had our child which was another born he was born the 24th of july so the 24th was still a birthday from heaven our son did that for us an i believe he is an always will be so it is ok to move on even though we still don't think we should

BIllie Jean - posted on 10/16/2009

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I had my daughter a year and a half after Ben died, and it is still difficult. Every new thing she does I am so happy for, but it is always in the back of my mind that I will never see Ben do this. Having another baby after losing one is bittersweet. I do have bad days. I cherish the goods ones. When I am feeling guilty, I try to put it into perspective. My daughter means the world to me and she deserves everything I can give her. I don't want to take anything from her because I am feeling guilty. I know this is kinda scattered. I wish I could say it gets easier, but I think it will always be difficult.

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