Not a good day.....anyone else question God's decisions?

Brandy - posted on 12/24/2009 ( 27 moms have responded )

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Today is Christmas Eve. It has been 3 weeks since we had our 2nd miscarriage. The doctors office called me this morning telling me that my lab work came back and I have the 2 mutations of MTHFR. So if and when we are pregnant again, I will need high dose folic acid (which I've been doing) and Lovenox. At least I have a reason now. That's understandable. However, we left to visit family for Christmas. I get there and everything is going good. My heart pounds when my sister-in-law walks in the door 30 weeks pregnant (yes I knew) but this pregnancy happened within weeks after our family found out she had had an affair. Then she immediately begins complaining on how misreable her pregnancy is. Blah, Blah, Blah. Yes ladies, I have been pregnant. before & have a 2 1/2 year old beautiful daughter. I knew it was not going to be grins and giggle. It causes discomfort, pain, and lots more. But yet, I enjoyed it because I was thankful to be pregnant. Then at the end of the evening my FIL which is a preacher begins to throw in the Religion card to the conversation and tell me and my husband that we need to attend church and that God can heal me of my MTHFR and such. I am not saying this is wrong. But right now, I guess you can say I am kinda angry and confused with God and the decisions he's made. Why he can give others a wonderful successful pregnancy who doesn't want a child or maybe a little less deserving and not me. My make my living for caring for other families infants. Why should mine be taken from me? Have any of you been angry for the same reasons? I do understand I may need to attend church and things of that nature. That's not my question though. But of all days, my family decided to pressure my husband & I about it when I am already questioning God's decisions. Have any of you?

Thanks,
Brandy

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Ev - posted on 01/04/2010

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Hi Melissa, I think you are right, I believe in that saying too. My Christy was too good to remain here for more than 8 yrs.

Melissa - posted on 01/03/2010

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I am sorry for you Brandy. having a miscariage or a still birth is hard. At first i thought that i was being punished for wanting my son. I even said that i had failed. I let my pregnancy continue even though Connor was sick. he was born with a brain condition. God has a reason why he didnt let your baby live. to qoute a saying i was given. "One day an angel wrote in the book of life, the day of our babies birth, as she finished she whispered, this baby is too good for earth." I believe this saying and so should you. just remember you will have another chance just treasure the memories of the kicks and the day you first heard their heartbeat and the beautiful look that your little angel had on their face. i know its not much but its what i hold onto 2 and 1/2 months on and it keeps me going.

Ev - posted on 01/03/2010

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Why take any baby, any child? I don't believe a loving father, which God is, would ever do that to His children. I don't believe most of what all churches teach, but I still have a strong believe in God, or a God-like power that exists in everything. I don't know the answers either, but I get comfort from my beliefs. "Let go and let God" has really helped me.

Larenda - posted on 01/03/2010

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Girl I question God everyday. I lost my little boy when I was 28 Weeks and when I see 12 year old crack heads getting healthy babies to abuse I question him a lot. My therapist told me this was normal. I just want answers but there are none. I am so sorry for your loss.

Shayna - posted on 01/02/2010

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Hi Brandy,

I am so sorry for your loss. I haven't had a miscarriage, my daughter passed away at 5 weeks old. In my opinion, a life is a life, whether the baby was stillborn, a miscarriage or what have you. In my opinion, going to church doesn't save you, your relationship with God is what saves you. Going to church means nothing if you're not living by his word. I HATE it when people say you shouldn't question God. Why not? I have asked him why did my daughter have to die plenty of times. I was even made at him for awhile. God is forgiviing and he understands our hurts and pains. If you can't ask God a question, then who can you ask. I think the same things you do. Why take my baby? Look at all these women with a lot of kids and can barely take care of them. What about the women that abuse and mistreat their kids? I wanted my baby, never thought once about not having her or giving her away. When people make comments I don't like or want to hear, I let them know in a nice way that I dont' want to hear it and they can save it.

ANGIE - posted on 01/02/2010

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i understand completely ...... i carried my son full term.w/a c-section scheduled only 3 day's away i had a placental abruption . all his organs started shutting down and before the ambulance could get me to the hospital he died . family does not and can not understand because they have never dealt with the grief of losing something that you had so many expectations for , so many dreams of the lil dresses or baseball gloves you were looking so forward to buying . i have never been one of those people who attended church regularly . i did believe in god and talked to him on a daily basis wherever i was . when we lost timothy i already had a 2 year old daughter . and i was torn between staying here for her and checking out . i stayed obviously but was a ghost for 2 solid years . i had a priest tell me i could either go one of two way's with this (1) i could understand that , god has a plan and although we may not alway's know what it is , we should just trust in him to make the decisions or......(2) denounce god altoghter ! now at the time number two sounded real good to me but over time i resolved myself to the thinking that he chose my son to decorate my heaven and he needed more angels . now whether or not i was just telling myself this to get through another day ....it worked so i stuck with it . sweetie , it will get easier i promise ,it will never go away but it will dull over time . btw in august it will be 10 years since i lost my son and i still cry . and still haven't gone to church ! hope this helped . take care , and i'll talk to god for ya .

[deleted account]

I don't blame God for bad things that happen. I just look to Him (or Her) for comfort and strength to bear what life dishes out.

Barbara - posted on 01/02/2010

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Hey Brandy (& all)

My heart breaks for you and all moms who are grieving the death of a chld. I know you question God's plan. How can you not? I also know it's so extremely difficult, especially during the holidays, to see other families having fun, interacting and even those who are rude or mean to their children. I also question the future... wondering what my son would look and act like now, etc. It is so difficult watching my other children grow through the various milestones. The most difficult part is watching my son's twin change and grow. I ALWAYS wonder what if... Many people mean well, but they'll say or do things, in an attempt to help, only to hurt our aching heart all the more. I cry a LOT. I probably always will, but something that may give you a bit of solice is knowing your child IS in a WONDERFUL place - free of hurt or pain. I know my crying is my own selfishness at wanting to hold my child and kiss him or hear his voice, or smell his hair... the list goes on & on. You will meet with your child again just as I will mine. Perhaps the answer to "WHY?" will come then, as well. In the meantime, there'a an organization called THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS that is so helpful. It's for parents grieving the death of a child at any age and from any cause. They are NOT religiously based so people of other faiths or those with God issues won't be made uncomfortable. These people are the only ones who are truly in your shoes and will help you. Between that group of wonderful people AND my church family I am "getting through" life. I wish you comfort and hope and am here ALWAYS if you need me. Hugs, Barb (try talking to God. Ask Him for help. Yell if you want. He knows your pain... His son died too. He WILL answer you) HUGS!

Lisa - posted on 01/01/2010

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i wasnt saved when i had my miscarriage and later lost my daughter Erin at 37wks pregnant. i bulked at ANYONE who even dared mention "this is Gods will, she is in a better place" i even got defensive at a poor couple in my group who said they trust in God and believe this is what was meant for them. i am saved now and know my daughter is in heaven and i will see her and my babies i miscarried.! that does not mean i dont get angry whenever i see women carrying or w/ babies and they dont take care of them or unload them on their own parents while they get all their free stuff. and go out doin their own thing,. i hate my judgemental spirit and i pray for forgiveness especially since my divorce i do get assistance for my 3 and am thankful for it. It took the failure of my marriage to finally wake me up spiritually not the lines of "churchgoers or christian family members who meant well but just upset me more instead. the loss of a child is something you dont give advice about especially when you dont know about it. it wasnt untill i got pregnant w/ my 2nd son that i could even look at a baby again and then not untill i was pregnant w/ my daughter that i could look at a baby girl again. in my case being saved helped me to see that i can deal w/ thing differently then i would befor. and also i wont know why my children were taken from me. God doesnt make bad things happen as much as He ALLOWS them too. thats the difference i believe. so my thoughts are usually , "Why didnt You save her" i pray constantly for God to take me if anything were to happen to my children. i wont live thru that again. children shouldnt suffer its not fare especially when they usually dont fully understand. there are children struggling to live or many who i cant believe survived a pregnancy, like when mother is a drug addict or starving in other country, and the poor child is left alone and sick. i want answers but i am certaintly not in control. your feelings are yours and no one should fault you for them, you will know when you are ready to go to church or speak to someone for help, just know your definitely not alone. God will let you know and you wont know what hit ya!
lisa m

Robyn - posted on 01/01/2010

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Dear Brandy,

My daughter was born at 26weeks. Amazing strong spirit!! She lived for 2 glorious days, which I would NOT change for the world. After extensive blood work, was found I have Lieden Factor V. Hense the abruption and pre-term labor. 4 months after her death, God blessed me with another pregnancy, needless to say a very difficult one, but we made it. Lovenox injections daily, aspirin, and Folic Acid of course. Long & short I now have an amazing gift from God, healthy happy Emily Grace. So please continue your prayers, and find the strength from deep within, have faith and you will be blessed.

Dana - posted on 01/01/2010

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It is always difficult when one loses a child. Whether they are taken from us because of a health issue, the hands of someone else, or god's plan. I too have lost a child, she would be turning 8 this February. My pregnancy was pretty non-eventful and everything was good. I don't want to go into much detail so not to make anyone hurt more. But my daughter Tessa was still born on the day she was full term. It was what the doctors said to be a cord accident that happens in 1% of all pregnancies. The short version, she was so active (spinning in utero) that she caused the cord to twist so tightly (looked like a telephone cord) that no blood or oxygen could get to her. I question why she was taken every single day. I do have two other children a son who is 15 and a daughter that will be 13 on Jan 15th. The only consolation that I have is that she is in a much better place. But she is missed more than words can describe. My prayers go out to all of you that have lost a child.

Ev - posted on 01/01/2010

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Thank you for your reply. Are you back at work now, I hope not, you may need more time . NICU, is that with babies?

Stephanie - posted on 01/01/2010

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i definitely underdstand. i have a 21/2 year old lil boy and when he was 5 months old i became pregnant with my 2nd lil boy, i wasn;t ready, but for me abortion or adoption wasn't an option. i fell in love with him and gave him the best of everything and all the attention in the world, but i lost him on july 20th of this year. God gave him to me when i wasn't ready, but i accepted it whole-heartedly, but then he took him away. i question God's decisions alot, i just don't understand why he did that...i miss my baby boy. cameryn noah was 9 months & 5 days old.

Caren1±JaA - posted on 01/01/2010

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All I know is that God has aplan for all of us. I had 2 pregnancies, 1 which was severely deformed at 17 weeks, and one that would have been a heathly baby girl (I have 2 boys now age 8 and 3 1/2). At the time, my youngest was only 14 months old, it was summer, and we were living overseas at the time, and scheduled to fly home the next week, when my doctor told me I would have to go one bed rest. I spent lots of time to myself, as I could only see my children for 2 hours a day (there were no private rooms, and I was in a special care unit), and my husband's work was over 3 hours away which meant that not only did I get to see my children 2 hours a day, but only 3 or 4 days a week. It was so emotionally draining. One day I just burst into tears with frustration. I kept praying that if it was God's will for my bed rest to be successful I would be so overjoyed. However, God knew my heart was also in great agony over the fact that I missed my son's 6 th birthday and that I could see my 14 month old really needed his Mommy. As much as I wanted the little girl that was inside me sooooo much. I felt that I wasn't being a good Mommy to the children that I already had. (My husband isn't very hands on, and my Father In Law was trying but it still wasn't me. I didn't want my children to spend thier summer visiting me in the hopsital, and not have time home with our family in Canada. But I couldn't bear the thought of being without them either. It also seemed that my body was rejecting the baby. I was bleeding almost constantly. In my case God saw the siutation, and realized that at that time, it was too much to bear for me. So my pregnancy ended. 6 months later one of my best friends had a baby girl on my due date. I was happy for her, but cried when I found out the date her baby was born. At the time, I was one of 5 Mother's pregnant before the summer that year. When everyone came back after the summer, they all had their babies except for me. It was so difficult. It still is, because now I don't know if I can have any more. I have been diagnosed with a incompitent cervix, and may never carry another baby to term. After everything that happened the last time. I can't go there again. but a part of me is still very empty. I know and trust that God knows my heart, and believe that if I am meant to have my girl someday I will. I am just leaving it up to him.

Brandy - posted on 12/31/2009

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Ev, thanks so much for sharing your story with me. And I am so sorry about each and every one of your children that you've lost. I feel like venting seems to help. Not everyone understands our loss. So it's difficult for me to talk to others. I'm an RN, in an NICU........so I am always caring for others. I hate being the grieving mother needing comfort. But thanks to each of you who take time to read and listen.

Ev - posted on 12/31/2009

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Hi Brandy, it's me again. I have a very strong belief in God, but I don't talk about it much. I can say I believe in a loving God who would not hurt any of His children. He gave us free will along with His love. He also has broad shoulders, he can take and understand your anger. Don't be afraid to express it.



My fifth child, my daughter, Christy, died of a brain stem tumor when she was 8 years old; it was on Dec. 28th, 31 years ago.

Ev - posted on 12/31/2009

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Dear Brandy, I've lost 3 children, one 29 days old, one miscarriage, one 8 yrs old. Be as angry with God as you want. Curse Him if you want. I did when I lost each of mine. You have a right to be angry, and you need a way to get it out. Scream it out, work it out, or write it out, talk it out. It will help you to get through your grieving. I attended a group at Bereaved Families of Ontario. I don't know where you live, but you have a computer. Look them up and see what help you can get from them. They really helped because all of them are volunteers who have lost children or other loved ones. You'd be surprised at how many women have lost children.

Brandy - posted on 12/31/2009

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Thanks everyone for all your words of wisdom and outlook on everything. A week later, I am still questioning everything. I took my Christmas tree down on the 26th (my husbands decision), it was horrible for me to put up my memory ornament. I am trying to cope with this. It's harder than I ever expected. I am doing my best, but sometimes I feel like it's really not good enough. And coming up, will be my 6 week mark of being able to try for another. And I am excited to try, but so scared of miscarrying again for a 3rd time. I spoke with my OB/GYN the other day and he told me to go ahead and take a baby aspirin with my PNV & Folic Acid as well. I guess really nothing can take that fear away. I just hope that within time, the pain will ease. But it's just so hard for me to pray to God when I am so confused and angry with him for what he's already taken from me. It's kinda like I had so my faith and always said it was in God's hands. Then when I got pregnant...........it felt right. And then it was gone. I prayed before and asked for God to bless me and my family with a baby. He did, but then took 2 of them away. I know it sounds repetitive and crazy.........I guess I just need to vent a little.

Thanks.

Tonya - posted on 12/31/2009

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Wow, Jennifer. What condition did you find out you had? I've lost my daughter at 4.75 months and I'm still trying to figure out what happened so that I can see if I should have more children or call it a life. Short falls can kill, but it just seemed she was so unhealthy and had crazy reactions to the vaccines, etc. My Factor VIII levels are off the charts and I know her blood had weird anomalies in it, too. Any tips?

Jennifer - posted on 12/31/2009

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Hi Brandy
I have Factor V leiden mutaion, Prothrombin 20210, MTHFR mutation and Protein S deficiency too. I have 5 healthy children 17, 15, 9, 6, and 3. I also have lost a little girl at 6 months along, a little boy at 6 months along, and one at 14 weeks along. i had 2 very healthy girls when they were 5 and 6 I got pregnant and lost that baby. 8 weeks later I got pregnant with another girl who turned out to be healthy she is now 9. Then I lost another baby, after that i got pregnant again and had a healthy boy now 6. Then I lost another. Then I wanted answers from God and the Dr. What is going on? If God didn't want me to have more children then why would i keep getting pregnant? Thats when I found out about my condition. So number 5 was born healthy and I was bruised and sore from daily shots! Was God in the middle of it all??? Oh yes! We live in a fallen world so evil is everywhere. People like to blame God for illness and death but never think about what His word says about our world. When Christ returns our world will be changed you see from darkness to light. God can use every situation for His glory. He is so powerful He is always at work in our lives if we will let HIm. So from a human stand point bad things in our life seem unfair and so painful, but from a spritual view God is always at work. Cry out to God! Argue your case for another child! Church isn't the answer Jesus is the answer! He is willing and more then ready to accept you and bless you! I lost a baby cried out to God and had a baby, lost another baby cried out to God and had another baby, lost another cried out to God and again He blessed me with another!!!! Maybe if I wouldn't have cried out I would never known what having 5 children feels like! I would never change having or lossing any of my children. Trials bring us closer to God and thats right where I want to be!

Amy - posted on 12/31/2009

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Brandy, I question everyday. I lost my husband and the father of my kids 5 years ago to a car wreck. We lost him on christmas eve and my Jenna was 4 months old. Yes. I'm not sure at all of his decisions.

Wanda - posted on 12/30/2009

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I'm a mom of three beautiful children here on earth, and two in heaven - one was a miscarriage, and the other was killed in a car accident at 1 1/2 yrs old. I have always believed in God, and I trust His decisions. But yes, I've had plenty of questions. I look at families with the number of children we would have had; I see parents who don't seem to appreciate their children, etc, and I do wonder. But over the years, I have come to peace with what God has planned for my life. Yes, it hurts like crazy - sometimes more than others, like with your family experience. I believe that God can heal. But that's not always the way it happens. Sometimes He gives us the grace to endure, and the peace to be stronger. As much as possible, allow the grief to help you appreciate your daughter. Remember that bitterness, although the immediate first reaction, is not productive. Give yourself time to grieve for your losses. I don't think God tries to beat us into submission. But I do believe He will be the best place to look for peace in a world of unanswerable questions.

Tonya - posted on 12/30/2009

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Alisha, look into his MMR shots, too. Someone I know has a son who ended up with low platelets as a reaction (a known reaction) to his MMR at 1. It clears up in about a month or so, I guess. I don't know what vaccines a child gets at 2, but there are known reactions. Shirley's Wellness Cafe (online) has a great deal of articles about vaccine injury. There are also facebook groups, including my own.

You deserve to know the TRUTH Alisha. And if it wasn't murder...wouldn't that be so much better to know? Even if your son's father does go to prison, wouldn't that be so much better to take away knowing he DID love your son? Knowing he did NOT kill him and that nobody did?

When doctors decide it's SBS, they stop even testing for differentials, like they did with my daughter. I'm missing blood tests and there are signs that all is not what they were making it to be - plenty of them. When I'm done, I'm hopefully going to sue that hospital for malpractice. They got funding for their diagnosis.

Please look for your own sanity sake, Alisha. You deserve so much better than this. I'm here if you have any questions. I'd love to talk to you. You've spent 2 years of HELL and all for what? He might be innocent.

Tonya - posted on 12/30/2009

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Quoting Alisha:

My son was 2 when he was killed by his father. I question why God had to take him every day of my life. We won't understand why he did it until we can look him in the face an ask. And even then I really don't think that any answer he gives me will justify taking my son the way that he did, or the thousands of other children that die every year from child abuse.



I hope this wasn't shaken baby syndrome.  Please read Dr. Uscinski's paper at :  http://www.jpands.org/vol9no3/uscinski.p...



 



There is a lot of other research out there proving shaken baby syndrome was nothing but a hypothesis and only ever proven inpossible to shake a baby to cause death without breaking a baby's neck or causing neck injuries.  People do abuse their children, but...these injuries associated with shaken baby syndrome are not murderous; they're always misdiagnoses.



Alisha, you need closure in a major way.  Your son's father might be innocent too.  How would you feel if you found that out after he serves that 13 years you spoke about?



 



Please feel free to look at my website too:  www.theAmandaTruthProject.com   Unfortunately I am also a wife who has lost a baby to the blasphemous misdiagnosis that is shaken baby syndrome.  He dropped her and given all the underlying medical problems she already had, she didn't stand a chance. 



 



There are children who die from child abuse, but not like this.  Good luck, Alisha.  You deserve the closure, not bittnerness toward a man who's likely innocent.

Alisha - posted on 12/29/2009

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My son was 2 when he was killed by his father. I question why God had to take him every day of my life. We won't understand why he did it until we can look him in the face an ask. And even then I really don't think that any answer he gives me will justify taking my son the way that he did, or the thousands of other children that die every year from child abuse.

Angela - posted on 12/28/2009

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i absolutley understand what ur going through!!! i wanted a boy for 10yrs and finally got him....only to have him taken from me in my 7th month.....i do have 3 girls....never would give anything for them but i always new i wanted a boy now that isn't possible....i see parents of little boys and wonder why i could'nt have my precious little angel and they can....it'll be 2yrs march 1st...my preciaous baby was still born....it was the cord that caused the trouble......so yes i have done my fair share of questioning god!!!! hang in there and i hope things get better for ur situation!!!

 



 



 



Quoting Brandy:

Not a good day.....anyone else question God's decisions?

Today is Christmas Eve. It has been 3 weeks since we had our 2nd miscarriage. The doctors office called me this morning telling me that my lab work came back and I have the 2 mutations of MTHFR. So if and when we are pregnant again, I will need high dose folic acid (which I've been doing) and Lovenox. At least I have a reason now. That's understandable. However, we left to visit family for Christmas. I get there and everything is going good. My heart pounds when my sister-in-law walks in the door 30 weeks pregnant (yes I knew) but this pregnancy happened within weeks after our family found out she had had an affair. Then she immediately begins complaining on how misreable her pregnancy is. Blah, Blah, Blah. Yes ladies, I have been pregnant. before & have a 2 1/2 year old beautiful daughter. I knew it was not going to be grins and giggle. It causes discomfort, pain, and lots more. But yet, I enjoyed it because I was thankful to be pregnant. Then at the end of the evening my FIL which is a preacher begins to throw in the Religion card to the conversation and tell me and my husband that we need to attend church and that God can heal me of my MTHFR and such. I am not saying this is wrong. But right now, I guess you can say I am kinda angry and confused with God and the decisions he's made. Why he can give others a wonderful successful pregnancy who doesn't want a child or maybe a little less deserving and not me. My make my living for caring for other families infants. Why should mine be taken from me? Have any of you been angry for the same reasons? I do understand I may need to attend church and things of that nature. That's not my question though. But of all days, my family decided to pressure my husband & I about it when I am already questioning God's decisions. Have any of you?

Thanks,
Brandy





 

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