Please. Does anybody have helpful tips on how to deal with infant loss?

Alexandra - posted on 03/22/2010 ( 52 moms have responded )

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My son Bryson was born January 6, 2010 and died February 26, 2010. It will be 4 weeks this Friday. Everyone keeps telling me that it gets easier as time goes by, but every day seems to get harder. I have 2 other children. Both are girls. One is 6 and the other is 19 months. I have to be there for them of course, but when they aren't around and I am all alone, I find it difficult to do much of anything. I feel like as soon as the dr. placed him in my arms, that God has just ripped him back out. I beleive that everything happens for a reason, I just wish I knew what the reason for this was. I miss him so much. I know that he is in a better place and that God will be a better parent to him then I will ever be. I know that he will never feel an ounce of pain. I know that he is happier and feels more at peace than either you or I will ever feel, but none of these reasons help ease any of the pain.



Does anybody have any suggestions?

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Kayla - posted on 01/09/2014

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I would love it if you would follow my blog http://myangeljace.blogspot.com/. I made this blog as a means of support for those who have suffered the loss of an infant or child. my hope is to have mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, and any other friends or family suffering from loss to share their stories, questions, and concerns so that we can all serve as a support for one another. I lost my son a few months ago at 25 days old. I know how hard it is but if we all stick together and support one another it can make it that much easier. It helps to talk to others and know that you are not alone.

Jade - posted on 05/11/2010

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hey my first daughter was born in 2007 i had just turned 18 and sadly there were complication during labour and she ended up brain dead so we had to make the decion to turn off life support so i know how hard it is to loose a child that means more than life to you and your family. im not going to say it was easy cause its not and i still have nightmares and depression sometimes but the pain does ease my advice is what helped me and my partner is make sure you let your self greve and dont feel bad cause your sad all the time or you cry at little things just let it flow and also if you have a partner or a family member that is really close to you talk to them about your child i found i feel better then and now because we always talk about her also if you do have a partner remember they are herting to and the more open yous are the stronger you will both get as a couple and with in your self. also try doin activities with your family that makes you remember good things about your baby like who they looked like and that sort of stuff and have a laugh. dont push people away because they dont understand cause the key is to have a lot of support im sorry if none of this helped it is hard to help someone you dont know all i can give you is advice on what i have done it does get easier over time and dont rush yourself and smile when ever you can you deserve it you are stronger than you think cause your a mum xxxxxx take care and if you would like to chat send me a message xx jade

Kellie - posted on 05/09/2010

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The pain has never gone for me,but i am living with it.I really believe that it makes me a more compassionate and tolerant person.I also hope that i am a better mother,because i never forget how lucky i am to be a mum of living children.I appreciate every part of being a mum,even the toddler & teenage tantrums!.
My son was born & died 21 years ago i refuse to feel sad anymore & will celebrate his existance in future.I can only wish you best wishes and hope that the pain you feel will die and only the joy of being your sons mum will stay with you.Wishing you peace

Trinity - posted on 05/07/2010

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I'm so sorry. What helped me was talking about my son, To anyone that would listen. I had my son, Deamian, On 03-23-2007 and he passed on 03-26-2007. I talk about him still and have his pictures up so I can see him every morning.

Sarah - posted on 04/23/2010

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Paula-What's the deal with you not getting an autopsy report yet?? Mine took a couple months and I had to request it. Have you asked? It was hard when I got it though reading all the stuff that they looked at and reported (she was bruised from all the needles and her one eye was black from the doctor trying to use a forcep to get her out in the c section because she was wedged in the birth canal)

Jackie - posted on 04/22/2010

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My daughters been gone for 10 years. It doesn't exactly get easier but the sting does start to go away and you can look back at the time you had with him and smile without crying. All our children are on loan from God. He takes them when they have fullfilled what he sent them for or when you've learned the leason he sent them to you to teach. Unfortunately for all of us, either your son was a fast teacher or you were a fast learner. We never know why they go but we got ato hold a little piece of Heaven for a time that will always be fresh in our memories. The human in me wants to say I'm sorry for your loss but the mother of a passed little angel in me cant do it. We never really know why we're saying it. I will say that you have to stay strong for your other kids. Just remember that youre never alone. As much as it hurt at times I would close my eyes and remember holding my baby girl and I swear it was like she was there. Like she was saying its okay mommy.

Jessica - posted on 04/08/2010

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Alexandra,
I am SO sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my daughter 2 years ago at 26 weeks gestation and I truly didn't believe I could survive that. Every day is still really hard. Just know that you are in many thoughts and prayers. Wishing you all the best.

Meredith - posted on 04/08/2010

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4 me talking about my sons life(however short it was) and the joy he brought me was the best medicine...i still talk about him n miss him so much it physically hurts. but like they say time does help. there will be a day that u dont cry as soon as u get up n u will think thius is a good day.my other children also like 2 talk about him which helps me 2 cuz then i knw that devin isnt forgotten just missed n luvd..we r all here 4 u n understand what u r going thru. i wish u didnt have 2 belong to this unluky group of moms, but u r now onw of us n we will help in any way we can.

Danielle - posted on 04/08/2010

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I also found that staying busy and helping out with charity events helped me a bit. If you have the time it might be a good idea. Family and friends are the best medicine. You are very lucky you have your two little girls to keep you going. I do not have other children, but I have found that being around my close friend's children helps me heal. Seeing them live can be healing. My son would be 9 months old. I miss him everyday. But the best thing you can do to honor your child is fight everyday for you life like your child did, I know my son was a fighter and fought for every minute he was here.

Kelly - posted on 04/07/2010

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i'm so sorry for your loss it does in a way get easier but it dont seem it at first just take one day at a time my first son died 14 days after he was born and that was 9 yrs ago and times are still hard i then 7 yrs later had a still born at 26 wks on the same day that my first child was born and i sometimes still feel the way you are i also have other children and they do help you get through it so just remember to take each day as it comes and you will have good days and you will have bad days but i think that is understandable

Jessica - posted on 04/05/2010

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What everyone is saying is true, no real cure & no easy way.... Time makes the pain a little easier, but still never goes away. My 2nd born child which was my son Adrian passed away at 2 1/2 weeks November 1999..... I still cry for him.. I still think about him daily. I still have his pics up & at time just look at his pic. Visit his grave often too. I talk to him & tell him how much I love him & will never forget about him..... Then tragedy recently stuck again, just this March. We found out I was pregnant with twin boys, then went into early labor & had them at 22.5 weeks. So it feels like torture. We buried the twins, Edward Jr & Albert close to my other son, Adrian. So I get to visit all 3 of my sons together. I still have another son (12yrs) & daughter (6yrs). These kids ARE my strength, they get me through it all, I know they need me and I know I appreciate every moment I have with them. Also joining support groups help. I am so sorry for your loss, for everyone's losses. Now I am also dealing with not knowing if I made the right decision by getting my tubes tied.... I was scared to lose anymore children, but at the same time I want another one. I know it's too late for regrets, I just hope I can find peace with that decision as well.

Sherryle - posted on 04/04/2010

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oh sweetie it doesn't get easier, you just learn to deal with it better as time goes on......but, first learn to get of your own case and remember it wasn't your fault you need to learn to be kinder to yourself....my god woman you just lost a child give yourself a break, get some help if you need it.....but never forget your other children need love too.....good luck and god bless.....

Theresa - posted on 04/03/2010

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My first son was still born on May 13, 1984, which happened to be Mother's Day that year. We subsequently had another boy and then twin girls! Every Mother's Day is bittersweet for me, because I will always associate it with my son's birth. You never forget, but you do go on and you learn to cherish all the little things in life. My aunt gave ma a card when he died and it it she wrote, "When God closes a door, He always opens another one." I do not know how God works, or why babies have to die. I do know that all our babies are in heaven and we WILL see them again if we believe in Jesus. Read the account of David in the Bible and how he reacted when his child died. He made a comment that his child could no longer come to him, but he would one day go to the child, or something like that. This lets me know that when we die, we will see them again and we will know them. My other children know they have a brother in heaven, and William Patrick is listed as one of my children on here. I also have Christmas ornaments with his name on them that go on my Christmas tree every year. Cherish your memories of your lost child, and make new memories with the children that are still with you. Enjoy every day with them. You will be a stronger person as a result of this trial.

Denise - posted on 04/02/2010

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First let me say I lost my son to suddenly 33 years ago Mothers Day ( May 13th). I woke up swollen breasted and reach into my son crib. I wondered why no one woke me to feed him, but realized it was mothers day and started to go back to sleep when my breast started to leak. I looked over into his crib to kiss him and put the milk in a bottle for later. when I realized my 9 week old son was dead. I totally lost it and t took 2 years to gain groiund again. For 12 years I did not celebrate mothers day until my oldest son reminded me I still have him. I also had another child all most one year later , I still dont babysit children under a year old and my son would have been 33 this past March. I dont think there is anything that can cure that pain but time and lots of it. I tried crying , looking at his picture until I couldnt bare it anymore, took everything out of the house that reminded me of him, medication.....Honey nothing worked. I will say embracing the children or Gods Gifts my two other sons help me to understand I wasnt the only one who lost that day. I went through that expericence so I could help people like you. Honey share this with other women who are going through it.......helps!

Marsha - posted on 04/02/2010

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Alexandra, please accept my deepest sympathy on your loss. Your question touched me particularly because it felt like I wrote it. My grandson died at age 5 weeks 12 years ago tomorrow, and his mother, my daughter passed away in a car accident 9 years ago. So it feels as though we have nothing left of her. But with so much distance and perspective that the passing of time has given me, I can say with certainty that though the pain never goes away, it becomes part of a new "normal" and part of you. The huge weight that seems to lie on your chest right now, that keeps you from being able to really breath becomes less and less notic able. Having said that, you are right...it gets worse before it gets better...
I remember wandering around all night because I didn't want to sleep, because waking up in the morning was so devestating. So I just prowled the house. But it passed. I came to accept that no "reason", no plan of our Lord's, would likely be forthcoming. Accepting that I may never know what the reason was, was the beginning of my healing. It takes time; different times for different people, but it DOES become bearable. And when the time comes that you can speak of this awful loss with some semblence of peace, and you can offer understanding to another mother who is going thru what you are at this very moment and know that you, in however small a way, comforted her, you will know that you have reached that point. I will pray for you and your family. Let me hear, from time to time how you are doing. I would love to keep in touch.

Susan - posted on 04/02/2010

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Hi Alexandra. I am so sorry for your loss. I don't think it ever gets a lot easier, you just learn how to deal with it better... After my 4 month old passed a mom at a HANDS meeting told me that the hole in your heart never heals, you just get to be able to look at it without so much pain. I think that is true. I still think about Marcus daily. But it doesn't seem to make me cry so much now. I still do though and it has been 5 years. I think I always will, just not constantly. People that have not had a child loss just don't understand the pain. And to be frank a lot of people from older generations (not that I am young myself :) ) were told they had to bottle it up and move on. Maybe they did as mortality was much higher, but I don't think it is helpful at all.... You will find a way that is all your own. Just keep going.

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I dont have any suggestions, just understanding. It will be 11 months this april since my son passed away one day shy of his second birthday. I can't say it gets easier, the pain is just as strong, it is a roller coaster, or tidal wave. Somedays it will feel you are having an"ok" day, and then it builds and builds until you crash again. Then the cycle begins again. I have a friend who is seven years down the road of grief and she has said that the pain never goes away, it just becomes a part of you, and you learn to live with it. I, too have an older child, and when he is in school, i find it difficult also to do much more then bury myself in the covers of my bed. I believe my son is also with God, and I have gone through every stage, including anger towards GOD. I too believe everything happens for a reason, i just wish I knew what that reason was.

Ginny - posted on 04/02/2010

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It takes time, and you have not had enough of that just yet. Give yourself the first year to cry and be angry. After that year it will start to get a little easier. I am 6 years into this and I know I will always miss my son, but I've learned how to live without him - I hate it, but I can do it. It's too soon for you to feel better, but you will one day. Take it easy on yourself and cry when you need to.

Amber - posted on 04/01/2010

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i can say that it does get easier as time goes on i lost my first child Katilyn in feb.2006 and that was the most hurtful thing. I can say i know how you feel and it will get better i have had another child a son he was born august 2007 never thought that i would have another child so soon but things happen for a reason. i was scared that something was going to happen to him but i prayed and prayed, i prayed that god would give me the strength and keep me in my right mind when i lost my little girl and thats wat he did i prayed that he ease my pain and let me understand that was his job that she wasn't ready for this world and i told myself everyday that everything happen for a reason and know i mean true i think about her everyday wondering how would she'd look older how she wouldve played but thats all i can do imagine and now that i have my son i see some of her and i think that he is the reason i dont hurt as much and praying ,so i thank god everyday. so advice from me to you keep praying and keep your head up for your other children and i promise you it does get better.

Angie Skye Upchurch - posted on 04/01/2010

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To be honest with you, my baby Heidi only lived for 5 days (9/24/05-9/29/05) and aftter her death I cried for 5 whole days. Even when i was tired of crying the tears were still running down my face. This was my first child so my hands were then so idle that I was treating my husband like a little baby. It was very strange to me. The only way I dealt with it was to become pregnant again a couple of months later. Find joy in your other children and just know that he is waiting to see you again.

Terri - posted on 04/01/2010

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hi alex, we too lost our baby she was only 33 days old it was really hard for us because her birthday is christmas eve and she died on australia day. there are so many emotions that you go through. I found myself not wanting to leave the house becaue she wasnt with us I couldnt go shopping because i didnt trust myself with other peoples babies. I would find myself searching everywhere for her but even in rubbish bins. we have three other children before her who are all still doing well, and a son born after who is absolutely perfect. the pain and hurt will never go away but it does get better. i guess you learn to cope.
i looked at our tragedy as gods way of telling me that things werent finished. when i had Giorgia I thought my life was complete and I was very content until the day she died. my life became turned upside down.
I found that as long as I had a focus I could manage to get on and do things for myself and my family.
we all talk about Giorgia and miss her very much. but it has been 8 years since she died and I could tell you everything like it was yesterday. now we cherish her time and learn from the events.

you do need to give it time.
and dont give up .

Deb - posted on 04/01/2010

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breather...I lost my son same day. You will miss your child, but yes there will come a day that it doesn't hurt every second. I found this group really helpful.
http://www.nationalshare.org/


HUGS,STRENGTH AND PRAYERS FOR YOU!

Terry - posted on 04/01/2010

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I lost my son Brian January 16th 1988. I Know your pain. My son was 6 months 30 days old. He died from the flu. Yes the pain gets better, yes you will be able to remember him and smile instead of crying someday. I'm sorry for all your pain. This is a process and it takes time. None of it can be rushed, or should be tried to rush, won't work. I'm happy you have your daughters, you are reminded everyday you have little people looking to you to to take care of them. My older two helped me a lot through those very painful times. Keep your friends and family close. I hope and pray they let you talk about your son over and over and over. It helps to talk, even if it's the same thing every time. Your allowed to be mad. Your allowed to feel things weren't fair, and life wasn't fair, because it wasn't. I got mad at God and said I hated him, and I meant it. Don't be afraid to feel that way either. God understands, he knows. It does get better, very very little at a time. You will feel better, then have big set backs, but it turns around to better again I promise. Mourning takes a long time, and there are no quick fixes. I wish there were. I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. He will always be your son and you will always be his mother. Your 6 yr old might want to talk about her brother Bryson. I would encourage her to do that. If it is too painful for you, let her grandparents or a trusted friend help you talk with her. One day, at a time. It really is. HUGS.

Shenae - posted on 04/01/2010

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I know how you feel. I miscarried twice. The second miscarriage was worse than the first. It's been two and a half years since the second one. I was an absolute wreck right after it happened. The pain has subsided, but I still mourn my loss. It wasn't that long ago that I broke down and cried. Take things one day at a time. Remember how much you loved your baby. Some days will be better than others. Give yourself time. Surround yourself with people

Diane - posted on 04/01/2010

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It will get easier although it doesn't seem like it. Everyone kept saying the same to me or I could have more children, no one understands what you're going through at the time.I kept blam,ing myself. My son Joshua was still born so I didn't even get to see him take a breath but I held him and tried to make him live. It'll be 20 years this year and sometimes it seems like yesterday. I realized I had to pull myself together for my other son or I'd go crazy and the thought that God thought he was special enough to take to Heaven so that my granny could have a great grand child with her helped. Good luck and remember the time you had with him.

Kylie - posted on 04/01/2010

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my heart goes out to you all with this loss especially close to my heart as well, it is a pain that can never be explained but it is something only a mother can feel. i make sure that my memories are celebrated however short and make sure the pain doesnt envelope you and you play a blame game with yourself. you have to push those feeling aside take a step back, hold your loved ones close dont let them stop talking about the beauty and wonder of your experience, because however painful and wrong it feels just remember that our little angels were born to help others and one day it will all be clear. i am not a religous person at all but in my personal experience and being there for so many others, my faith in humanity means there is always a means to an end and if i can believe and be a ease with knowing i bought an angel into this world to make a difference, i can rest in my heart and that empty ache allows me to love again and never waste a precious moment. just always remember its ok to feel cry fall apart but it is also ok to live and life is something that is too precious to waste.

[deleted account]

GET ON THE WEB AND FIND YOURE LOCAL THE COMPASIONATE FRIENDS they are a support group for bereaved parents and are world wide

Janice - posted on 03/31/2010

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dearest jean please be encouraged I lost four children and buried the one my little girl she was going to be little angel, but my husband was like most men who think it will get better I began going to church an thats where I learned I wold see all my angels again and that gave me compfort and than I had a fifth pregnancy and he became my miracle and he is 32 years of age and very kind an considerate of others I have been blessed in this life and awaiting the after life I am now 53 will be 54 but there is not a day that goes by that I can,t talk about it becase I still remember that heart renching pain, it will be better but you will never forget that life you had growing in you or the love you felt, but I am so sorry this has happened to you , but there are many more moms like us feel free to email me and I wwill try an help you through this, I will also pray for you and that gods angels szurround you in your time of need. love and hugs from a mother who cares

Jennifer - posted on 03/30/2010

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We lost our Olivia (full term) of pnemonia just a day old. Perfectly healthy the doc said. It's been 26 months and, as the others have said, the pain never goes away but you get "used to it" maybe is the best way I can explain it. My husband and I joined a support group for loss and it helped quite a bit. It helped me get out of bed and gave me some purpose....fake it until you make it I guess. We have since become great friends with the funeral directors family. We became foster parents and are now adopting a 20 month old girl in May (we've had her for a year now) and also had our own baby boy four months ago. I still have my moments and wonder what my Olivia woudl be doing now...would she have green eyes or brown. Would she have brown hair or red. Woudl she have her mom's temper or her dad's sense of humor? The questions that will never be answered. I pray that life comes together for you. Just take it one day at a time. Send me a note if you ever want to talk. Best to you and your family.

[deleted account]

I was in similar sitation back in Nov 14 2003. My daughter live for 1 hour and 8 minutes. The pain never totally goes away but does subside a little. As for knowing the reason God will let you know in his time. .I didn't understand why when my precious angel Dorothy died but now after getting divorce in 2009 I thinks I have some idea why. God would have not wanted her to go threw a custody battle with my ex-husband and I. We fought about enough other things a custody would have no been pretty. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her. I just had a tatoo done in her memory back in Feb. and am planning to do another in memory of my miscarriage two year after Dorothy passing. My girl friend every year bring birthday cake, party hat to celebrate. Then we me her and her daughter ( born on the same day) go and singing happy birthday. The we all go spend the day together doing something fun. I did get a chance to take pictures of my sweet angel and they have been a god send. I f you ever need to talk please email or even call my number is 978-602-7083

Samantha Lyndsay - posted on 03/30/2010

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its always hard, esp the first year. all the things that you were supposed to do, should have done with your baby has all been shattered. the world is a much colder and darker place than what you once knew it to be. you have to go through your steps, if you dont, you will only feel numbness, which is never a good thing. what helped me alot was crying. not like a little boohoo, but full out laying on the floor sobbing. id find a song that related to me to that exact situation(the song that reminds me the most of her is by jimmy eat world called hear you me). i now have a 2 year old daughter, and she knows who her sister is, that she is our gaurdian angel watching from above and that she has had the amazing honor of living with jesus. as hard as its been to go through all the first with her instead of my angel, and as much as i do still grieve for her, it gets a lil easier a little bit at a time. it doesnt sting as much to think back on that day. it doesnt rip your heart out watching others with their brand new infants as much. but there will always be that song on the radio, that smell or that babies smile that will knock you to your knees all over again. on those days all you can do is breath, and pray and relish in the fact that you have 2 amazing little girls that are the sunshine of your life, the warmth that you will always seek. im sorry for your loss, and i hope that in a little way this helped you. keep your head up, girl, and live the life that your son would and does want you to live.

ps- it also helps a little for me to give to associations like st judes, or march of dimes. i always put it in her name, and it makes me feel a little bit better that my small contribution could save another mother from the pain and heart ache that ive gone through, to know that i could save another child from their untimely passing and give them a chance to grow into something great.

Alana - posted on 03/29/2010

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i really feel for you and i do know what your going through i went into early labour with my son mason at 25 weeks on the 3 june 2008 and i still can't deal with it now i don't visit his grave because i can't deal with it just try and keep your chin up and talking about it makes it that little bit easier

Jeannette - posted on 03/29/2010

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After 20years, SIDS. I hold Stephanie in my Heart. I have her pillow, sometimes I sleep with it.I still cry once in awhile. It's OK to be angry. If, you ever have the feeling Bryson is near you or if you smell him, hold on to that. Because that is special. Having other children is a blessing. However , no child can replace a loss. One thing I have learned, I believe in ANGELS Jeannette

Stephanie - posted on 03/28/2010

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The pain doesn't go away but it does get easier.It will be seventeen years since I lost my precious Rebecca. Celebrate his life...don't morn his death. At four weeks bake a cake for him and put something on his grave. I also put messages in balloons and sent them up to her. At Christmas every year I by an angel ornament and put it on the tree for her. Please also include your husband and children in these little celebrations. I always say that I don't know why God took Rebecca away but it has made me a stronger mother. I hope you will find peace in celebrating Bryson. One last thing...it is important to let your girls see you cry...they may not understand now but they will later...they need to know that crying is ok. Best of luck to you and your family.

Gloria - posted on 03/28/2010

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I dont understand how they say it gets easier . Its our child , I had 21 years with my son and instead of it getting easier it is hurting more each day....

Debbie - posted on 03/28/2010

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Hi, I am truly sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter 5 yrs ago this past December. Her name is Jordyn. The best advice i can give you is let him live through you. I use to write to Jordyn everynight after my other {2 Boys 2, and 5 at the time.} went to bed. I made that our time, i would write to her, i would playaround with her pics that i had. I wrote her a poem using a bunch of different lines from different songs, so that anytime i was out and i heard that song, i would know she was with me. It truly is a nightmare you wish you could come out of, but i do promise their is a time when you will have confort knowing he is your special angel. Nothing truly eases the pain except time. I remember the first time i felt my Heart smile it was about 10 mo after losing Jordyn we had taken our Boys Ice skating for the 1st time, and i was in such awww of how precious and what a gift it was to have them. I also realized i had to do what i needed and for a long time i didn't anwser the phone and this became a very selfish time in my life. I also suggest when you are ready try again, it doesn't replace Bryson, but brings back some happiness. I did try 2 mo after losing jordyn, and was blessed with my Son Devin who is 4, and in my eyes he is my gift from Heaven. Please feel free to contact me if you have anyother questions. All my best to you.

Joni - posted on 03/27/2010

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I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my second child at 35wks he was born sleeping and still. That was 3yrs ago Feb just gone. I dont know if time heals but it will get easier to live with the pain somehow just becomes a part of who you are. Like some of the other posters the only reason I got out of bed was to care my 3 yr old, if I didn't have him who knows where I would be today. One thing that really helped me was to write in a journal I wrote everyday some days I was just so angry and just wrote and wrote. I also made a scrap book about Oscar it is a beautiful keep sake that I can show to people and most importantly to our living children so they will always know how special their brother up in heaven is. Talk to your husband try not to shut him out, I went through a stage where I wanted him to blame me and get angry at me because after all I was the one who let our baby die he was inside of me and I couldn't protect him and keep him alive. Talk to people who have been through the same experience posting here was a good start.
My husband and I both got memorial tattoos they are both different mine gives me comfort.
We have had another baby he just turned turned one in Feb just gone he was born 4 days before Oscar's 3rd anniversary so celebrating a 1st birthday and an anniversary death has been hard, I have really struggled this year with Oscar's death, think because my 1st is 6 and now Harry is one there is such a big age gap and there should be another little boy here in between the two. Harry has helped heal my heart some but there will always be a part missing and that part will always be gone because my Oscar will always be gone.
I wish you peace and comfort xoxo

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Hunny I lost my daughter when she was 8 weeks old! I found myself going to her room and crying. I had a son but I was sending him to daycare cause I would rather sit and cry than watch him! About a month later I kept him with me all the time! This helped me some what! But I found as time went by I realized I have to live for her cause she couldn't live for herself! Another thing that helped me, is I rather talk to strangers than someone I know or someone I was paying for to listen to me! If you need to tslk you can talk to me! I wish you the best!

Rene' - posted on 03/26/2010

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Dear Alexandra, my heart goes out to you. I will tell you when my 6 month old son died 6 years ago everyone told me the same things they are telling you. People just don't know what to say to someone who has lost a baby. It is something no parent ever wants to think about let alone talk about. I believed like you that everything happens for a reason, but I wanted an explanation, especially from God. If He is so powerful, why did he allow this to happen? I have seen a counselor for 4 years trying to work through all this because I am especially angry and don't trust God. I believe in God, I just don't understand why He would give a parent a baby then take it back. I still want an explanation from God, just a small tip as to why. My christian counselor, whom I adored and completely respected until he went to heaven this year, would say to me that even if God tried to explain it to me it would be like explaining quantum physics to a kindergartener. I still don't buy it that we wouldn't understand or why God can't find some way to help me understand all this. I still miss my baby Benjamin so very much. In the beginning I tried to believe he was in a better place but in my heart I didn't believe it because I thought the best place for my baby wasn in MY arms, not Gods. And I don't believe God is a better parent than you are. I say he is just like any parent and loves his children unconditionally, but we are made in His image. You are wonderful parent, you are raising two beautiful little girls. No explanation why our babies are in heaven will ease the pain. The only thing that eases the pain is time. I know it is hard to understand now, because I didn't believe it 6 years ago. I thought there was no way I would feel any less pain. It is a complicated feeling. You will always feel the pain, but time teaches you how to live with the huge hole in your heart. I have found through the years the pain is still there but not with the sharpness it once had. The hole in my heart is still just as huge, but I have learned to enjoy my older son who was 4 at the time his baby brother went to heaven. Your daughters will help you get through this. They need to have their regular routines which will help you. Especially when all you want to do is curl up in a ball. It doesn't mean you think any less of your angel son, it just means you are moving on and he is always there. He is your daughters' guardian angel. He will always be in your heart. Please take care and if your depression gets worse, see a doctor and get help. It is okay. It helped me which in turn helps your children. By taking care of yourself you are then able to take care of them. Be honest with your feelings. You aren't obligate to tell everyone everything. Not everyone can handle talking about the loss of a child. And keep reaching out and talking to us here on this circle of moms. It has help me tremendously, I am finding because of my loss and the thousands of miles of pain I have walked through in the last 6 years I am able to help moms know you can make it through the loss of a child and not only survive, but to thrive. I did it and still work on it every day, but I am thriving and I am here for you and you CAN do it too. I will always be here. All my hugs and blessings to you and your family. Rene' ((hugs))

Megan - posted on 03/26/2010

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It gets harder before you can feel better. Nothing anyone says will make it okay. I wrote in a journal my son's death. I find it easier to cry when I am alone. It really helps me when I go to the memorial to grieve. I do believe that my baby is waiting for me one day. My husband bought me a locket for Valentine's day that year and I wear it all the time. I put a photo and footprints in it. The hospital also gave me a memory box to keep his belonging at home too. My son died before I got to know him. He had a genetic defect in his heart and if he had survived would of needed open heart surgery. I was 6 months pregnant and had to go through labor. I know that it hurt to feel the excitement as soon as the baby was born and then not hear a cry. It turned out that my son's due date was my transplant day and I know that was the way God intended it to be. Things get better but you will be altered forever. Give it time and try to be the best you can.

Peggy - posted on 03/26/2010

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I am so sorry for your loss. I lost 2 children so I understand your pain. It doesn't get easier ,all you can do is take it a day at a time. Hug your girls and your husband. Men go through the greiving differently than us,so know he is trying to be strong for you.
Keep busy even though you don't feel like it
Hug and a prayer for you

Merry Gay - posted on 03/25/2010

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There is no easy way to "get over" the death of your child. Please don't think 4 weeks is enough time to even begin. Years from now, and I do mean years, you will remember this baby with a hitch in your heart, but the pain will be significantly less. You have to take the time to allow yourself to grieve. You also have to give yourself permission to be angry, shake your fist at God, bewail your fate, whatever it takes, because all the grief and anger is part of mourning. I struggled through 6 months feeling exactly as you describe yourself. My gynocologist recommended I see a psychologist, and I am glad I took his advice. If I remember correctly, I spent the first 4 sessions crying, and brought my own bax of Kleenex because I felt bad for crying. He put me straight on that dumb thought, and many of the other dumb thoughts I was having. So, if you can, find a qualified person who can help you channel your grieving into something that will be helpful to you. And, my dear, please learn to forgive yourself, and quit asking "why." There is no answer to, "Why?" You'll get through this, but your will never forget this baby.

Emily - posted on 03/25/2010

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@ Melissa . . . I understand COMPLETELY about the baby shower thing! I couldn't even bring myself to look at my sister when she was pregnant . . . my mom was horrible to me about it. I couldn't hold my nephew. It hurt too much.

Sara - posted on 03/25/2010

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I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that it is alright to remember and honor his presence in your life, albeit too short. If you wish to tell people that you have three children to do so, and that one is in heaven, feel free. You know the love you shared with him, and no one can take that away.

Melissa - posted on 03/24/2010

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I am so sorry for your loss. My heart and prayers go out to you and your family. I know the pain you must be feeling right now because two years ago today I lost my son, Adam. I was 7 months pregnant. I wish I could say the pain will go away, but I would be lying if I did. However you will laugh again. I still can't go to a baby shower. Several of my friends and family have had kids and they don't understand why I cant be there on their happy day. This may not happen to you, but there may be something that reminds you of your baby that other people may not understand. Don't let their opinions get to you. Just explain how you feel and if they still dont get it, it's no ones fault, including your own. If they love you, they will let it go and try to be there for you. I lost a good friend the day Adam died. She didnt understand how I was feeling. Some people will try to relate it to losing their aunt or uncle, but as you and I know it's not the same. I went to see a counselor too, but who really helped me was my pastor. Not only because she gave me peace through God's eyes, but because she had also lost a child. I thought I was all alone. It helps to talk to others who have experienced the same loss you have, because they understand your pain and why it feels as though the world stopped turning. I received a book from the hospital that helped me talk to my son Michael about what happened. It's called "We were gonna have a baby, but we had an angel instead". In the back of the book it has some ideas on how to help your child cope with the loss of their sibling. One thing that I think about when I get said is how lucky I am that I get to spend my days on earth with my son Michael and how when I die I will get to spend my days with my son Adam in heaven. Our love for our children will never end! God bless all of you!

Alexandra - posted on 03/24/2010

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Thank you to all for your responses. I am so sorry for the loses that you have all experienced as well. It is hard. My girls, and my husband (he makes me), are the only reason I get up, for right now anyway. My goal is to one day get out of bed for me. We put our oldest in counseling 2 days after Bryson died. We started greive counseling 2 weeks after Bryson died. It seems to be helping some, and it DEF helped my oldest. It is nice to hear things from others that have been through similair situations. Thank you all again.

Shelagh - posted on 03/24/2010

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As Emily said, you breathe, you put one foot in front of the other. Some days you will just be on automatic pilot. And one day, it won't feel quite so bad. It's 24 years since my boy died aged 2 1/2 days, and I still miss him - but trust me when I say you will survive.

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