Please help!!! How do I get through this

Michelle - posted on 12/23/2009

Hi Kelli
I lost my little boy Rhys at 36 weeks, stillborn due to a placental abruption. Although Rhys was buried with his aunt, I understand the cost involved. I am not a single mum, though the cost was enormous (which seems dreadfully unfair when they are only babies).

I am a member of the Bonnie Babes association and a lot of people have something special in their garden to remember their baby by. When Rhys died the nuns from the local parish gave me the most beautiful gardenia plant. This plant is still going strong almost 6 years on strangely enough as I am not very good with growing things.

As I have moved interstate and my son is buried in another state I quite often go the the cemetary here and sit with the little children who have lost their lives either stillborn or at a very young age. I believe here is where I find peace and speak to Rhys and tell him about the little friends he could look out for.

Coming home without your baby is the worst feeling in the world and as it is so fresh it will take time to heal the rawness. You never fully heal from this, but over time the pain lessens.

My little Rhys will be celebrating his 6th birthday on 23 January and I will go to the park and let some birthday balloons fly into the air as I know he will catch them and love them just like his older sister and little brother do.

The first Christmas is the hardest, every Christmas you will think of your little girl, but know that she was a borrowed angel.

May you find peace on Christmas Day and love to you and your family.

Jill - posted on 12/23/2009

Hi honey,

I'm sorry for your loss, I too have had a still born daughter. You could still be able to put a stone up at your family cemetery, your local stonery might have a payment plan or maybe your family could help pay for it. At my local cemetery they have free plots for babies. it's a wonderful place with an angel holding a baby and a white picket fence yours might have this too. This does mess with your mind. The hospital took pictures of my Rose for me and they did a wonderful job, I also still have her birthing blanket along with a locket of her hair. What you could do instead of burying her is to have a small simple ceremony with small items that you would have put in her casket with her (please don't think i'm being disgusting or crude because this is what I did with my daughter my family put important things that would keep them with her into her casket.) ie: rosary beads, a little stuffed animal, a blanket (not the one from the hospital unless its what you want to do) stuff like that and have a minister or priest bless it and the site. and just know that your little angel is always watching over you no matter where you are. Yes there are towns that have angel gardens in which you can put your childs name on a stone and have it placed there as well. We have one in my town in one of our cemetery's.

Jill - posted on 12/22/2009

Dear Kelli,
You are not alone. I had a stillborn daughter in July 2003. I was lucky to have her buried with the help of my parents since I was also single. What has helped me the most is having things around the house,I've done everything. Made a garden stone with her name and teddy bear,Named a star after her,had her name tattooed on myself, and most important to me is having the pictures and few blankets she touched. You have everything you need inside of you.I have since had two boys and another on the way. My family and I release a balloon that we all kiss into the sky on my daughter's birthday and visit the stone I had made in the garden. Seven years later and my hands full of kids,It has gotten a little easier but I still keep her ultrasound picture on my nightstand and often still ask why this happened.I go through guilt/depression after taking my healthy babies home from the hospital but I just know that my daughter is my angel and I can speak to her whenever I need to and she watches over us.
Please feel free to contact me as well,that's why we are all on this page,and talking about it really does help,knowing we are not alone and others are going through similar heartaches. Please take care,Jill

Jennifer - posted on 12/20/2009

Hi, My name is Jennifer and I can relate to what you are going through. I had my still born 9 years ago, however, I was able to bury my lil angel. Its just that now I am living in a different state and have not been able to visit her in 4 years now. I was lucky enough that the hospital I had her at had given me one of their birth certificates with her foot prints and a lock of her hair along with a picture of her. I have those few things with me where ever i go, no matter if i am only going on a 1 week trip. My daughter was
2 1/2 when I had my angel and she was too young to realize what was going on at the time. I was very protective of her when I came home from the hospital trying to fill the emptiness I felt from not bringing home my baby I had carried for 32 weeks. If it would not had been for my family paying for her burial I would not have been able to bury her either.
My heart goes out to you and you are in my prayers.
I know it is hard and I wish that I could tell you that the pain will go away eventually, however, I can't tell you that the pain you are going through will ever go away but it will be easier to deal with in time. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of my daughter. I keep the things I have to remind me of her close always. I have yet to be able to put that behind me. The Holidays are always the hardest no matter how long it has been. In memory of my angel I buy an angel ornament every year in her memory. It helps me to know that I am able to do something to celebrate what little time I did have her with me.
Like I said my heart goes out to you and I will keep you in my prayers.
I know it has been a while since I lost my daughter but to me it seems like yesterday. My children I have are old enough now to know that they had a sister and they tell me she is their little guardian angel that watches over them.

Sincerely Yours,
Jennifer

P.S. I have added you to my circle and I hope that you will accept. I will be here if you need to talk. I have learned that talking about it really helps to deal with it.

Kelli - posted on 12/20/2009

Thank you ladies I personally believe she is with me too, and I guess that is all that really matters. I just have them "self pitty" days sometimes and need to get it all out an off of my mind.

Thanks

Sneaky - posted on 12/20/2009

Hi Kelli, I had a miscarriage and the hospital 'misplaced' my babies body - I believe that 'misplaced' is some sort of code for 'we threw him in the bin with the rest of the medical waste'. I probably would not have had him buried anyway - like you, I felt that we could not afford it but it hurts a lot to not know what happened to his body. Logically I know that he would not care what happened to his body, and he would hate for me to torture myself over that but there are still days that I really have to work at not feeling guilty for it.

I really like the idea of planting a tree for my bub and having a special place on the book shelf where I can put my memory box on display. I did not get photos, which I will always regret, but if I had them they would definately be hanging on the wall. If it is something that you really want to do, you can also promise yourself that when you can afford it later that you will arrange a tombstone for her. Even if you can not bury her body, you can still have the stone placed in the memorial garden of your choosen cemetary. When I want to talk to my angel I just close my eyes and do it, I do not need to be anywhere special because I know he is always with me :o)

I hope your son brings you many smiles this Christmas, you deserve it.

Tracey

Bettye - posted on 12/19/2009

Maybe you could have a memorial service or is that what you did with the family get together? Our first daughter died at 3 1/2 months. They never let us hold her. She was in the incubator the whole time. We buried her the week before Christmas. That was in 1959. We'll pray that the Lord will help you get over this. Try to cheer up and enjoy your 18 month old. He needs you. I somehow believe your baby girl is somewhere near/

Heather - posted on 12/19/2009

im so sorry for your loss i know how you feel sort of i had a miscarriage july this year then in october this year i had a ectopic pregnancy and all i can do is think about it why did it happen to me is there something wrong with me now i dont even want to sleep with my boyfriend just incase it happens again..i hope you can get through this your daughter will under stand what you did she will be looking down on you and your son she would be so pround of you

Emer - posted on 12/18/2009

hi hun im so sorry for ur sad loss i lost my 1st child at fullterm also a lil girl thankfully were i live the goverment give berevment grants which paid 4my daughters funeral. i suggest mayb u plant a tree in memory of ur daughter&then tat way uv got some were2go 2sit&remember ur lil angels. my thoughts r wit u i lost my lil girl 3yrs ago it never gets easier u just learn2live wit it xxx

Kelli - posted on 12/18/2009

Thank you for the reply. I love the garden idea with a stone for her! I also have an "Aubrey Box" as I call it since that is her name and in there I have a bunch of pictures, footprints, a letter I wrote to her and some things that were hers. Im thinking I may keep the box next to the stone as well. Thank you so much. I will definately be doing this.

Maggie - posted on 12/18/2009

I am so sorry for your loss. I have two boys in heaven myself..Nathaniel died on Oct. 11th. Anyways, my first thought was creating your own spot...for example planting a flower garden and maybe getting a stone created with her name on it..I forget where I saw that once, some website..maybe google it. I don't know how expensive it is but it certainly cannot be as expensive as a burial stone. I don't know if you even have a spot for a garden but that is what came to my mind. If not maybe go to a park, find a nice tree, sit down and begin to journal to your baby..get some of the things you are feeling on paper. I don't know if these ideas help or not but I hope you do find something that brings some comfort..may God grant you peace beyond understanding during this difficult time.