should i celebrate my sons 1st birthday

Leanne - posted on 01/16/2010 ( 184 moms have responded )

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my son passed away last year 4 days old it is comingup to his 1st birthday but im a little unsure if i should celebrate it any ideas thanks

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We celebrate our daughters birthday every year on Jan. 2nd. We take balloons out to the cemetery. She passed away at 4 months 20 days from SIDS and even though it has been 23 years we include Katie in all of the major holidays and special moments as best we can. We want her brothers nad sisters before her to remember her and the brothers and sisters agter her to have gotten to know what a special little sister she was.

Carol - posted on 01/30/2010

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you should do it for you if it would make you feel better .We lost an enfant daughter and never thought of a birthday celebration but each year I remember her bday;and that was 31 yaers ago.

Becky - posted on 01/30/2010

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Yes you should. No doubt about it. June 14th, Flag Day, this year will be Sam's 25 birthday. His body is gone, but the Spirit that is Sam isn't, and never will be. One thing I know for sure is that dying is only hard on the people left behind. For 9 years and one month I had a beautiful little boy to go with my beautiful little girl, and then, on July 12, 1994, the beautiful blue eyes were gone. I find that his body, and where he's buried mean nothing at all. Only those memories matter. When they asked me if I'd be willing to donate parts of his body, I jumped at the chance. The idea that someone in the world is still seeing with those blue eyes is wonderful, and very comforting. No doubt the other body parts kept other children alive too, and that is appropriate cuz he didn't need them any more. I can just imagine the incredible relief that other mothers are feeling because Sam and I knew without doubt that he had no need for these physical pieces. And ALL that relief and gratitude pooled together might just begin to get close to the incredible miracle that is Sam. The physical shell that held him is gone, but Sam isn't, and every time something remnds me of him I smile and remember and thank him for the little time that he ws mine. It does indeed get easier. Infact, some day, when something reminds you of your little one you may feel guilty, like its been too long, but thats OK too. You can be very sure he understands and he doesn't want you to center your life on the sadness. He only wants you to remember the good times and the smiles, and more than anythng else, the laughter and giggles. Was he ticklish? Mark his birthday on your calendar just like you would if his body was alive, and on that day you wish him Happy Birthday as soon as you think of it. I do it all day long, whenever I happen to look in a mirror. And I say "I love you Sam" so I can see my face change, its the Inside Smile. I also mark the day I lost him, with letters just as big and bright as on his birthday. On this day I tell the mirror, "Thank you Sam. I still love you." You may be surprised, but in a while the Inside Smile will come on this day too. It doesn't hurt to talk to every mirror you see on every day that goes by, but on these 2 days you just make a point of it. Hope that helps you.

Mary Ryan - posted on 01/30/2010

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Absolutely!!! You should never forget that special day and just b/c they arent here to have a "birthday party" doesnt mean that you shouldnt celebrate! Although the day your child passes away is a life-changing day...so is the day they were born. I lost my daughter,Chesney, about a year and a half ago to SIDS-she was 4 1/2 mnths old. In liau of her birthday party, any of our family and friends who wanted to attend,were able to take part in her balloon release and I have a cake made as well. We meet at the park and OH MY GOODNESS..you should see the balloons that went floating up in honor of our little angel! We actually,just last weekend,celebrated her 2nd birthday and it was just as special. We plan on doing this every year for her birthday. You do what makes your heart feel good and whatever helps you cope and make it through that bittersweet day! Sending hugs and prayers your way! Take care & God bless!

Mary Ryan

Dolores Or Just DeeDee - posted on 01/30/2010

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Yes. Celebrate and mourn his life and death. I layed next to my daughters grave like I did in the hospital for a year. She was 22 months old when she passed and in just a few short months I celebrated her 2nd birthday with her my husband and my 2 other beautiful daughters. We will again this year. I will make cupcakes and we will celebrate, with tears, but we will celebrate.

Helen - posted on 01/30/2010

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I know I am a little late but I encourage you too! I had twins that where born at 20 weeks and lived a whole day, I usually do something even if it's just a small cake. It's been 7 years now and I have a wonderful 5 year old but they will always be my first born and I feel that it's a small gesture to make to let them know I will always hold a place in my heart for them!

Vickie - posted on 01/29/2010

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Yes if that is your wish then do it lots of folk do like putting cards on grave and setting balloons into the sky etc so u do what feels right for u you might find some folk might not want to participate so take heart u do what u wish and let them have there's with no hard feelings

Shirelle - posted on 01/29/2010

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You should do what is right in your heart to honour your little man. I think it is a blessing (like you) that i can differentiate between my sons birthday and his passing (though only 1 day for me). We have celebrated our love for him every year. He was 5 last September. My husband and I go to the beach, take balloons and write messages to him on each balloon. Now my 2 earth angels also join us and we all write something and acknowledge our love and how we miss him. Be aware that others will not know what to say or do for you around this time. Be straight with them before the birthday. My husband and I find it easier to just be us as others feel awkward though we have some friends who send cards and messages letting us know they remember and miss him too. May peace fill your heart and please know he has some other beautiful angels to play with. x x

Michelle - posted on 01/29/2010

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Absolutely! You should honor your son however way you wish. 5 years ago my son was stillborn at 22 1/2 weeks and every year we place flowers and a happy birthday balloon on his grave. I usually can find an elmo or baby disney balloon. I do know other parents that release balloons every year.
My heartfelt condolences to you and your family.

Pamela Smith - posted on 01/29/2010

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I know it seems like you should but if it happened to me I don't think I would. I think it will make the feelings alot stronger and make you greive all over again the same as when you lost him. I wouldn't want to have to go through it again. I know a family that had that happen to them and they just talk about her (Lauren) how old she would be today and so forth but never actually went that far. I think then it is easier to talk about and handle. You don't want to go through life wishinbg what was yah know.

Karli - posted on 01/29/2010

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Leanne, I lost my son at 6 weeks in August 2007 from SIDS. On his first Birthday I had a planting day in my back yard with family a few close friends. It felt right to me to not let the day pass by but also not celebrating so to say. I do celebrate his life however short. Feel inside your heart and you will know what to do for yourself and your family.

Warmly,
Karli

[deleted account]

I lost my son in 00. I also celebrate his birth every year. You see I had a daughter born on his birth just 4 years later on his birthday. While we really celebrate her, I go to the cemetary and when singing happy birthday to our daughter I always tell him too. Yes though you need to do something since it does help. I also have my own little things I do durring the day that are for him alone.

Renae - posted on 01/28/2010

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My son passed away 12yrs ago, he was 16yrs old. On his 17th birthday i took 17 balloons to the cemetary. My car had so many helium balloons in it i could barely see to drive! Im sure my son had a laugh about it! I continued to do that a few more years & then it just got to be too many balloons so i started getting just a few balloons with "Happy Birthday" on them. I also take numerical candles & at least one rose. You should do whatever makes you feel best. Dont let anyone tell you how you shoud feel! For every holiday i take something to his grave. There is no right or wrong, just do what your heart tells you to do!

Tiffany - posted on 01/28/2010

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I lost my daughter 13 years in May after only having her for 6 hours. I still think of her as my lil baby girl. On the day of her funeral we let off dozens of pink balloons. We continue to let off a pink balloon every year on her birthday. My personal feeling on celebrating your precious sons birthday is do what you feel is the most comforting thing for you. He will always be your lil boy and you should celebrate him whenever and however you want..

Lisa - posted on 01/28/2010

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You do what ever feels right for you,i lost my son at 12hours old nearly 3years ago now,we dont so much as celebrate as its my eldest daughters birthday the same day,so we have the morning for my lil angel,where we visit his resting place where we place cards,flowers which i have done in the number of his age and other little bits that we pick up for him.teddy or a car or something and a birthday balloon for him,we spend some time with him and remember him then we have the rest of the day for my eldest daughter,we do usually go for a meal so we have a little toast for our brave lil man up above. So, however you decide to spend his special day,jsut make sure its right for you and you will,in time find special little ways to do spent the day and remember him xxxx

Debbie - posted on 01/28/2010

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My son was 21 wks when i had to decide wether to terminate my pregnancy or carry on and let him die inside he would be 7 this year and we celebrate it every year he is still very much apart of our lives we take flowers and cards and talk to him my oldest daughter who is nearly 5 understands a little but looks forward to going to see her big brother. you should do what feels best for you but there is nothing wrong in celebrating his life even if he was here for a short time hope this helps.

Stephanie - posted on 01/27/2010

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Yes, if you want to celebrate you should. My son was two days old when we lost him and we refused to live without him. We live with him meaning we always visit the gravesite and include him. I am sorry for your loss.

Sara - posted on 01/27/2010

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YES! We had a cupcake for my Maddie's birthday. She may not be with me but she can still have a special day of her own each year.

Sara

Deborah - posted on 01/27/2010

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We lost our two sons, our oldest & youngest, my husband's sister & her three children, two boys and a girl in a tragic car accident in Feb of 1994. We celebrate each of their birthday's by having cake and ice cream - singing Happy Birthday & each time we take turns blowing out the candles. I light a candle that burns all day so that we remember the light each one brought to us in their lifetime! We also let ballons go if it is a nice day out - we live in Washington state so rain is plenty! To all that have lost a child my heart goes out to you and I will say a prayer for ya'll. I hope my advice is taken to the heart. God Bless ya'll!

Lorie - posted on 01/27/2010

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My son was 17 when he died, and on his 18th birthday one of his brothers asked if we could buy a cake. For me I would not have done it, but, everyone is personal, and if you are thinking of it, then you need it on your journey and no one should stop you.

Take Care

Amanda Jolene - posted on 01/27/2010

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We didn't last year, but I wish now that we had. We had some family over after going to visit our daughter's grave, and had dinner. This year we are going to get a cake and put candles on it. I think it will be good for our other daughters, too. Help them to remember their sister. She was only 45 min old when she died.

Bottom line, if it make it easier for you or helps you deal with your loss, then do it. Don't worry about how anyone else may view it.

Cynthia - posted on 01/27/2010

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I couldn't agree more.. the 1st year we did a balloon release with response tags and I actually had some responses to his website!! It was cool to hear how far they traveled...we had cake, family gathering and bible study...I think it was a part of my healing process. The 2nd year, we stayed home and I stayed in bed and cried...it's different every year..for me.. the 2nd year anniversary hit me harder..I kinda went through the 1st year as a zombie...

Jessica - posted on 01/27/2010

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My son has been gone five years and was only 28 days old when he passed, and I always buy a cake and have the family come over to sing him happy birthday! I do not want his life to be forgotten, and I want my two youngest daughters to always remember their big brother. I hope this helps

Monica - posted on 01/27/2010

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I lost a daughter who was 9 hrs. old. Her first birthday, I guess I did celebrate or maybe mourned her more I guess. I just put some flowers on her grave, and we all went out as a family. I think how you want to celebrate is up to you, but if you want to do it, definately do it!! I think it helped me in my healing and being able to let her go and be with Jesus! Sorry so long. Anyway, my children still to this day, it was 7 yrs. ago, release any balloon they get for themselves, they kiss it and release it to their sister. So sweet, still miss her like it was yesterday. :o( So sorry for your loss.

Valerie - posted on 01/26/2010

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Leanne,
Do whatever you are comfortable with. I know one person had a birthday party and invited a bunch of people over. We just went to the gravesite and had a quiet day. There is no right or wrong answer.

Anita - posted on 01/26/2010

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My son, Tyler passed away almost 3 yrs ago and his birthday is tomorrow January 27th. He will be 23 years old. I celebrated with family and his friends the last 2 years but this year I want to do it alone.....not sure why but that is how I feel! I guess I will be able to compare if its better to celebrate with people or alone. I think we should do what helps us not what people expect out of us!

Gail - posted on 01/25/2010

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I am sorry for your loss. Absolutely celebrate his birthday. My daughter passed away at 7 months old(congenital heart disease)6 years ago and we did the balloon release and we also lit a big candle and let it burn. You can celebrate however you want, you will be glad you celebrated. Hugs and thoughts with you and yours!

Anita - posted on 01/25/2010

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My daughter passed away almost 9 years ago, at 7 days old. Every year our family sets aside time on her birthday to remember her. Since we scattered her ashes in the ocean at our favorite spot, we bring rose petals and scatter them on her birthday. It is just a time for my husband, my other children and grandma to share her memory together in a special way. She was a special part of our family and this is a special way we can honor her memory. There is nothing wrong with a birthday memorial. After all we celebrate presidents day and veterans day to give honor and memory to them, so all the more we can and should remember our children who have gone before us.

Jennifer - posted on 01/25/2010

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my 1st daughter passed away (this year will be 5 years) and every April 4th, there is only one place you will find me... at her stone.I dont know it would be concidered 'celebrating'. but it is definately honoring/remembering her. since I"ve had two other baby girls, it seems like its getting harder and harder to have her be remembered by anyone else. and i want everyone to remember her, just like i do. she was here for 10 of the most beautiful days of my life...so from the 4th throught the 14th... every year. i take ballons flowers, and anything else and place them on her grave. and i spend those 10 days to spend them there, just talking about my life and how it has changed over the past (however many) years. i know you will never forget your child whos passed. you 'celebrate' his birthdays/ deathdate/ holidays, or any other date that is signfigant to you, however you see fit... you will have peace one day, no one can tell you how to grieve, even if it is a year later. good luck and happy birthday to your little guy!

Danielle - posted on 01/25/2010

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my son passed away last year. he was 3 weeks old. his first birthday was Jan. 20 & i celebrated by visiting the cemetary where he is buried. it was hard but it made me feel alot better & maybe it will help you too :)

Wendy - posted on 01/25/2010

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I agree with everyone. My son was 17 months old when he passed away. Dec 14, 2007 was the worst day of my life. His B-day is July 3, 2006 and we have a big fireworks show, lots of food and fire at our house for him and will continue to do so for the rest of our life.

Barbara - posted on 01/25/2010

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Hi Leanne,my daughter Lea passed away on april 10 2006,of a major heart defect,she was 9 weeks old.her birthday is february 6 2006,every year i celebrate her birthday,and i will do so all of my life.it's simple,i feel like by doing so,she keeps a place in this life ,every 6 th of february is her day,i make a simple white heart shaped birthday cake,and this year i will put 4 candles on it.my man and i light the candles and just say HAPPY BIRTHDAY LEA then i blow out the candles and we eat cake for a week lolll.i hope this can help you decide on what to do,but i feel it is totally normal to do so.our babies did exist even if it wasn't for a long time,so i love to have her special day every year. xx

Tania - posted on 01/25/2010

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l am truly sorry for your loss.............I hope you find peace in honouring the first birthday.....I know I did.

Tania - posted on 01/25/2010

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my daughter was stillborn at 33 weeks. we have celebrated 3 birthdays now. I always put the xmas tree up on her birthday........13th nov.......and take it down on her due date....1st jan......we buy her a special decoration on her birthday every year and hang it on the tree with the date.

Jenni - posted on 01/23/2010

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Leanne,

Your little boy will always be your beautiful son! If you would like to, you should celebrate him on his birthday! We have only had one birthday since our son Paul died (born at 22 weeks), and it was such a special way of honoring him. We all wrote him a message on helium balloons and then let them off into the sky over the ocean... it was heart wrenching but oh so special. We will celebrate his birthday in a small way every year I think.

Lisa - posted on 01/23/2010

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ABSOLUTELY....we celebrate our sons birthday every year. He died at birth. I have had 3 children since then, and that is the way they feel like the know him. We even have his picture on the wall. (We only got one)



Its been 11 years.

Jemma - posted on 01/23/2010

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Our son would of been 3 in june and for his birthday each year we release some balloons and spent some time at his grave. We always buy him something special as well. I think if you feel like doing something then do it.

Dalice - posted on 01/22/2010

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Our son Riley passed away 3 years ago this May, celebrating their birthday is a very personal thing, for us we wnated to do something we could continue through his spirit life so we chose to release a baloon from each of us. Last year was the first time our 2nd son got to release one for his big brother. We let our family know and if they want to they release a balloon to, this works nicely as our family lives in different parts of the country with one sister overseas. I write a birthday message on my balloon, it's quite a wonderful (but sad) feeling to see it drift up to the sky so they get to read it.

Jamie - posted on 01/22/2010

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Our son passed away two years ago. We celebrate his birthday by buying something small for him and placeing it on his grave. We also put a blue Rose for every year he would have been. That makes us feel better.

Kelley - posted on 01/22/2010

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Yesterday was the four year anniversary of our daughter's death. She was 3 days old when she passed. Each year our family has a cake (often angel food) with our dinner. We talk about her with our other kids (6 and 1 1/2) reminding them it's their sister's birthday. We don't make a HUGE deal out of it, but making certain that it's not ignored is important too.

So sorry for your loss. God's blessings on your family as you figure out what works best for you.

Jennifer - posted on 01/22/2010

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I agree that you should do what makes you feel best. My daaughter passed away 17 years ago, and for the first ten I celebrated her birthday every year, my friends would buy me presents and I'd make a big dinner for everyone.

Lisa - posted on 01/22/2010

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My daughter was born on May 6, 2000 and died 10 1/2 years ago from SIDS at 2 1/2 months old on July 21, 2000. Not a year goes by that I don't celebrate her birthday with a cake and some time to remember her. One year I released a large bouquet of balloons which held notes for her. I take special time out to remember her a few times a year. I remember her on her angel day (the day she passed away); and every year at Christmas, I buy a toy appropriate for the age she would be at that time and donate it to Toys For Tots.



We never forget our children, no matter how long we had them. The pain will ease over time, but you will always feel an emptiness where they used to be. Knowing she's in heaven and that I WILL see her again is what has gotten me through; it's what still gets me through.

Deanna - posted on 01/21/2010

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Hi I'm Deanna .mother of seven living children and a still birth in 1992.I was due to give birth on December 28th1992 and on November 24th I was admitted in the hospital after being told my baby had no heartbeat.I had previously suffered several miscarriages early in my pregnancies but I thought I was beyond the danger zone;this time.I went home from the hospital Thanksgiving day to spend Thanksgiving without my new bundle of joy and had to fight back the tears to keep everyone in the house from giving in to their grief.My baby girl Amanda was two at the time but it wasn't until Christmas day that she asked where HER baby was.i tried my best to explain it to her but she threw her new cabbage patch across the room and said (ACCUSINGLY); me want me baby mama and spent the next few hours under the dining room table crying unconsolably.I tried to coax her out but she was so mad at me,like I took her baby away.Every year since his death we celebrate his birth into HEAVEN by making a simple birthday cake or some brownies and he would be 17 as of this November 25th just past.I think about him on any given day and wonder how it would have been for him to have lived and been a part of our lives but he IS a part of our lives (IF ONLY IN OUR HEARTS).His baby brother Davey acknowledges him even though he came along two years after the loss .he's been that much a part of our lives and we always remember him.One of my sons named his first-born in honor of his lost little brother..William after my Daddy.Celebrate your child every day in your thoughts and celebrate in honor of him when-ever you need to..if you just want to have a happy "we went to the park today"celebration then do ...he goes every-where you go and will always be there in heart.

Karen Lynn - posted on 01/21/2010

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I AM SO SORRY I DIDN'T LOOK AND SEE THAT YOUR SON IS DECEASED. I LOST MY DAUGHTER AUDREY VERY YOUNG TOO. THIS IS GOING TO SOUND CRAZY BUT MY SON JULIAN SEE'S AUDREY'S GHOST. PLEASE WATCH THAT VIDEO MY SON SAID AUDREY WANTS US TO CELEBRATE HER BIRTHDAY AND HE KNOWS THINGS HE COULDN'T POSSIBILY KNOW SO YOUR SON MAY BE BESIDE YOU HOPING YOU WILL HONOR THAT SPECIAL DAY SO I WOULD DEFINATELY DO IT
KAREN CROZIER

Lillie - posted on 01/21/2010

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YES YES YES,I celebrate my sons birthday along with his siblings every November,he died during delivery from the cord areound his neck and very traumitizing for me .but remembering him in celebrations helps me a lot. My other family members dont understand or even agree with this and kinda treat it like, well he never took a breath and its almost like because of that he wasnt real.Celebrating in your own way is what will help you through. God Bless all of you.

Bobbie - posted on 01/21/2010

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You should so what you really feel will be the best thing for you... My sons birthday is in july and im getting all the people who came to see me at the hospital to come with me to his grave to say hi, and then were just all going to hang out so that no one is alone... and i know i dont want to be, but more like what we would be doing if he was still alive. Its as individual as the children we buried, and the only thing that matters really is what would make you feel the best. Take care and listen to your heart.

Lisa - posted on 01/21/2010

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My son passed away one week before his 17th birthday in 2008. I had a huge party with friends at my home to celebrate his life. That's what Birthdays are about, celebrating someones life. In 2009, a large group of us met at the cemetary and again celebrated his life on the day he turned 18. It was great, we told stories we remembered about him, we wrote notes on a stuffed signature dog to him and we had cupcakes and hot chocolate. it was a great time for all of us. I think it's important to celebrate their life, they were here for a reason, they touched our hearts and the hearts of many others and we have great memories of them to share. Some of them came from others that I didn't even remember or know, it was awesome. Celebrate the life of your son, he was here, he was an important part of your life, he brought you and others joy! We never forget our children, no matter how long God allows us to have them! Best of luck to you, you'll be in my prayers!

Charity - posted on 01/21/2010

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For our Austin's 1st birthday my husband and I celebrated alone. we baked cupcakes and put his name and his other angel friends names on them. We did a balloon release for him and the other angels as well. This way we could have a party celebrate that he is a part of us and will always be our son. It also a great way to remember other children lost. We have meet some wonderful parents and in a weird way we were able to have a party for him and his friends.
We are thinking of something a little different for his 2nd coming this July that would include the whole family this time.

You should do what feels right for you no matter what objections you may get. Your heart will tell you what is right, everyone else can only offer ideas.

Donna - posted on 01/21/2010

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If you feel a need to celebrate then do so. You do not need to ask permission or verify whether your feelings are valid. Just do what your gut tells you. We had two miscarriages in 2008. January is particularly hard for me because it was our first miscarriage and I saw ultrasound photo's of my body rejecting the baby. We do not know for sure if the baby was a boy or a girl but feel that it was a boy. I do not feel like celebrating in fact I unfortunately spend much of Jan. thinking about the loss and how old he would have been. We did name him, I wrote a letter to him, and we have his ultrasound photo's, my hospital bracelets in a memory box. Wish I was able to get past it but it was a very traumatic experience for me. I am saddened every year on the day he was due to be born and the day we lost him. I miss what could have been and morn what was not meant to be.

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