Should I have the right to be angry when my son is Gone and i have a nephew coming?

Lindsey - posted on 08/24/2011 ( 5 moms have responded )

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My son was stillborn 4 months ago I was 37 weeks when my water broke and they found no heartbeat. I have so much anger that they couldnt help him I feel like they did not listen to my concerns. Being a type 1 diabetic i had to go in every week my whole pregnancy and he always had a strong heartbeat and me having good blood sugars I didnt feel right at the end i was not feeling well and expressed that to them but they didnt get him out in time. I used to replay it over and over in my head..what could have i done differently? Maybe if i had gone to a diff Dr or demanded them to deliver me earlier....but I learned that its not going to change what happened I cant turn back time and Im only hurting myself by doing that. What i find unfair is right after my son passed away my sister found out she was pregnant with her second only 3 months right after she had her first. She just found out she was having a boy I can not be happy for her it wasnt planned and cant afford 1 nevermind a second. I feel like god is rubbing it in my face that i lost my son and now she is having a boy when my Son should be here and hes not. I feel like im falling apart but i need to keep going for my 5 yr old but im so angry...angry at her angry at the Drs angry at life

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Denikka - posted on 08/24/2011

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You have every right to be angry. You're grieving and anger is a part of that.
You'll always question what could have been done differently, but the truth is, what happened happened and no amount of questioning or looking back is going to change your loss.

The thing to remember is that your nephew is completely separate from your son and what happened to him. One child should not be punished for what happened to another. It's difficult, and it might be a positive thing to get some help. A self help book on grieving may help, or you may need something more in depth, like one on one counseling or group therapy.
There is no shame in getting help. You have been through (what I believe to be) the worst loss anyone can ever go through.

I hope that with time, you can heal and become a loving part of your nephews life. As painful as it may be, he is not coming into the world to rub salt in your wounds. He is an innocent child, just as your son was, and deserves the love of his aunt, just as your son deserves the love of his mother. One cannot lessen the other.

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Kerrin - posted on 09/29/2011

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I think most of us have felt that way after our loss.
My daughter was stillborn @ 36 weeks & 6 months later, I found out my closest friend was pregnant (by the time she told me, she was almost 4 months).
I was happy for her & her husband, especially seeing like us they had also suffered a loss (she had a miscarriage inbetween our miscarriage & stillbirth) but at the same time, I felt not so much angry, but cheated.
She got pregnant their first try that go around & so many of my other friends either don't try and end up pregnant, have multiple children etc.... while my husband & I have no surviving children. I think what made it hit me harder was I had one friend deliver her 2nd son the day our daughter was born & then another old friend, his son was born on my due date.

Even now, I find it hard somedays cause we're at the age where everyone is either pregnant, has a baby, multiple kids etc..... except us & sometimes, no matter how much the rational part of my brain tells me it's not their fault what happened to us, the emotional part always wants to just jump up & down, screaming that it's not fair.

What has helped me was when my friend's son was born. We've been friends for over 10 years & for me, it came down to did I really want to miss out of everything with them because I was hurting & I didn't want that. It's really something that only time can help with. I found that talking to my friend about how I felt really helped. Her & her husband were really good about it all & since he's been born, I've been able to enjoy watching him grow from a little bub into a toddler (her's 2 in November) & although it still hurts sometimes, I'm glad that I'm able to share in his life.

Grace - posted on 09/13/2011

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I sort of know how you feel. When I lost Tristan my boss and his wife (I work with her too) got pregnant the same time as I did with Tristan. I took time off after losing Tristan (short term disability). I could not look at another pregnant lady or a baby for the longest time without crying. Every time they brought their baby into the office, I would hide. I would take a quick lunch break early or go get a coffee or work from home more. Basically I hid. I was (and still am sometimes) angry - I didn't do anything different or wrong with my pregnancy with him. There was no rhyme or reason for what happened with Tristan. There has not been enough research on his condition for anyone to know though Mount Sinai assured me on many levels it was not may fault. Anyhow, for me for some reason, I still can't look at that child. I am ok with any other baby or pregnant lady now except that one. Thankfully I work in a group of about 30 so there's plenty of people to fawn all over their child when they bring her in. So the fact that you have an issue with your soon to be nephew - I know how you feel but I don't understand it much either or how to get past it. I am better now that I had my daughter Sam who is now 8 monthes but I still see other little boys and I think sometimes, that could be Tristan, I wonder if Tristan would have liked that toy truck or what kind of birthday cake he would have wanted for this 3rd birthday etc. Cliche I know, but perhaps the only thing to help is time. I don't think God wants to rub it in your face. I think perhaps God gave them this little boy for another reason. I do definitely think his timing is way off on this one though. Almost makes you wish they lived far away so you could try to figure out how to deal with this in your own time. Maybe God wants you to try again or maybe God wants to remind you that even though your baby has passed, perhaps miracles can still happen and maybe this is his way of asking you to have faith? What do I know though? I still can't even look at Savanah... Please feel free to PM me even if all you want to do is vent. I truely hope that I haven't offended you in any way. I wish you all the best.

Angie - posted on 09/05/2011

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I know how you feel. I lost my baby at 27 weeks. A girl I worked with wasn't even trying and she got pregnant. She did feel really bad and didn't want to tell me. Every time I saw a baby I wanted to cry. Another baby will come in time. Give your body time to heal and try again. I had a miscarriage after my stillborn but now I have a perfect little boy. Good luck.

Angelica - posted on 08/24/2011

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i understand what youre saying, my sister inlaw has 5 kids along with 4 step kids and is pregnant...while i have miscarried, tryed so hard, and my pregnancy with my daughter was spent in the hospital before she was born 3 months early with many complications... its jealousy. its normal but like she said its not youre sisters fault or your nephews hun.. it can only get better

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