SIDS deaths, can't stop feeling the guilt!!!!

Dana - posted on 05/22/2009 ( 11 moms have responded )

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My son died at 11 weeks after birth. He was NOT pre-mature, he was PERFECTLY healthy. He was my 1st born and I can't get away from the guilt. I live everyday thinking I could have somehow prevented this, everyone tells me I couldn't have. He would have been 4 this March and since I have had 2 daughters. I can't even have a bday party or holiday with my girls without tearing up thinking of him, and how old he would be or what he would be doing. Most of my fam. and friends don't ever speak of him, I know it's because they think I will get upset. They all loved him very much and I know that. My husband rarely even speaks of him, but I know he hurts so much. I guess I'm just confused because the pain and guilt is still very much there.

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SAMANTHA - posted on 06/01/2009

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I I DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY, I FEEL GUILTY AND I KNOW ITS NOT RIGHT TO PUT THAT BURDEN ON YOUR SELF. BUT YOU DO NO MATTER WHAT. ITS ALWAYS THE WHAT IF'S THAT YOU PLAY OVER AND OVER AGAIN IN YOUR HEAD. IT MAKES YOU MISERABLE. I SOMETIMES PLAY THE NIGHT THAT SHE DIED OVER AND OVER AGAIN IN MY HEAD. MY HUSBAND DONT SAY MUCH EITHER, NEITHER DOES HIS FAMILY. MY FAMILY IS OPEN TO TALKING ABOUT IT. MY MOTHER ESPECIALLY. I DONT GET MAD THAT NO ONE MENTIONS HER ANY MORE. ITS A SORE SUBJECT. I KNOW THAT IT WAS YOUR BABY BECAUSE THATS HOW I FEEL TOO. AND I REALLY DIDNT CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THOUGHT THEY LOST. IT WAS MY BABY AND I WAS HURTUING MORE. AND NO ONE WOULD TALK ABOUT MY BABY. I THINK MAINLY FOR THAT REASON. I ALSO KNOW THAT AFTER TIME WENT BY IT GOT EASIER FOR MY HUSBAND TO REALIZE HOW PAINFUL IT WAS FOR HIM NOT TO TALK ABOUT HER. WE WENT TO COUNSELING FOR ABOUT SIX MONTHS JUST TALKING ABOUT HOW PEOPLE GRIEVE DIFFERENTLY. ESPECIALLY HUSBANDS AND WIVES. IF IT BOTHERS YOU THAT NO ONE TALKS ABOUT HIM MENTION IT FIRST SO EVERY ONE IN THAT ROOM KNOWS THAT YOU ARE COMFORTABLE TALKING ABOUT IT LIKE YOUR NOT GOING TO BUST UP IN TEARS THAT JUST MAKES EVERY ONE MORE COMFORTABLE. IF YOU WANT YOU CAN READ MY BLOG AT HTTP://WWW.SIDSPLACE.WEBS.COM I LOVE WRITING ABOUT HOW I FEEL THAT WEEK OR DAY OR MONTH IT MAKES MY HANNAH DAYS GO BY WITH A LITTLE MORE EASE.

Stephanie - posted on 05/22/2009

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My situation is different but I'll tell you my story I was pregnant with Twin Boys and at first i was super sick and my first set of doctors refused to help me They wouldn't let me stay in the hospital and i was dehydrated and could eat or anything they said i would be just fine so about 4 mo i decided i really should see another doctor I though he was great he put me in the hospital i finally started to eat and gain weight i was almost 5 mo pregnant and only weight 110 lbs by the time i left the hospital in only 3 days i had gained close to 8 lbs but then another problem came at about 6 mo i began to have contractions so he had put me on some kind of med to stop them i was in and out of the hospital at 35 weeks i have having contractions so bad it felt like i was in labor it was bad so i went to the hospital it was a Thurs night my doctor came in about 3 hrs after i was Their gave told me it was too early for them to be born and i needed to go home and rest so the next morning i though once again maybe i should get a second option because normally 36 weeks if full term for twins and with all the problems i had i would of though he would of least kept me in the hospital anyway since it was friday the new doctors couldn't get me in till Monday and told me just rest the weekend and come in early monday morning So Sunday night they kept me up late kicking around and i got up Monday morning and felt super SICK got a shower and went to the doctors now i had stoped taking the medicine the first doctor had told me to take cause it wasn't stopping the contractions only stoping me from going in to real labor. So i go in they take me back right away and go to listen to the heart beats and we hear nothing so i go over to the hospital for an ultra sound and of course i have had many done this pregnancy and have also seen many with my sister they go right to look at the hearts and i could tell they weren't beating well the lady walks out and gets my new doctor and she comes in and tells me the bad news I went insane I was like no way this can't be happening i have been waiting 9 months to hold them and now they are gone i begged the doctor to do something to help them this couldn't be happening! of course i had to deliver them and that was very painful to know i was about to have 2 new babies but never take them home with me 2 little lives i carried for 36 weeks felt every movement and now they were gone.. This was in September of 2002 and to this day i still sit and wonder what i could of done different to have them here with me and the answer is nothing. My doctor refused to help me and he had me thinking that they needed to stay in a few more weeks or eles they would have problems or wouldn't make it but the truth is that if he would of helped me that day i would have 2 6 year old boys who would be graduating kindergarden in a few days and playing t-ball.... I know your pain just know their isn't a thing different you could of done it won't change what happened. I know i thank god everyday i have 3 children and i had my next son about 14 months after he is 5 now and when i see him doing things i always wonder would his brothers have done that. or would they look like him at that age.. One thing i do know is i would have not had my Austin if that didn't happen and he is the sweetest kid i have ever meet and he is so smart and sensitive and Having this happen to me has made me and even better parent! I know some people will say that time eases the pain but their isn't a day that goes by that i don't think of them. And 9-23-02 is a day i could never forget and it plays in my mind like it just happened! You just really have to always remember that is something you can't prevent and don't blame yourself! Trust me i know its hard! I have a lil niece who was born 3 months before my due date and a nephew who was born 9 months after and it was soo hard for me to see them with out crying or i would be walking in walmart and see parents with their kids and just start crying! I think i take more to my niece who is the same age as them cause it's like i can look at her and almost see what they would be doing!
I really hope things get better for you :)

Angela - posted on 05/22/2009

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I feel the exact same way. My daughter, Angel, passed away on 2/17/09 (at exactly 8 months) from what they called SIDS. She was born 3 months early and we knew that she was at a higher risk. We kept a close eye on her when she was at home.That didn't matter. She was left alone on a king sized bed for 45 minutes without being checked on at her babysitter's house. I feel like if I would have stayed home like I started to that morning, she would still be alive. Everyone tells me that there isn't anything I could have done to prevent it. I still feel guilty. I'm her mommy. I should have been there to protect her. Her 1st birthday is coming up on 6/17 and I don't know how I'm going to deal with it. I guess I'll just have to keep praying that the pain will go away. I'll pray for you also.

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Arkesia - posted on 02/06/2013

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Im so sorry for your lost
I don't know why people say that the infant is out of risk at the age of 3or 4 months and I hear of much older babies die of sids all the time. Keep God first and trust in him when you pray leave it with him.

Liz - posted on 10/28/2011

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it's been over 2 years since your post so i hope you see this. I would recommend getting some professional counseling. There is no way you will ever get over this but working with someone who can help you not feel guilty and be able to celebrate the time you had with your son will make you feel so much better. This should also help you be able to celebrate your daughters without guilt. I encourage you to see someone as you will be amazed at howmuch this is impacting your daughters without your realizing it.

Suzanne - posted on 06/05/2009

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I lost my gorgeous little Connor when he was a week from being 7 months old from SIDS! He was a healthy bouncing happy gorgeous boy....i too feel the guilt of i should have done more or somehow that i could have prevented it.....we as a family do talk about him and visit his garden but we never discuss what happened or the fact that he's not here. i long to wake up from the nightmare and he'll be back in my arms and they ache for him as does my heart, i just hope he knows how dearly he was loved and wanted and needed! we now have two other children Joshua and Orla whom weren't without their problems during pregnacy and birth but i am grateful for every second i have with them and its for them why i wake up every morning........love and miss you so much Connor xxxx

Cory - posted on 06/04/2009

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I know exactly how your feeling, I lost my son Devin from SIDS on 5/2/99 when he was 1yr 3wks old. He was also my first born and perfectly healthy. Even though its been a little over 10yrs I still find myself always wondering why and wondering if it might have been easier in some way if I would have had some kind of answer. Another thing that makes it tough for me is he was my moms first grandson and born on her birthday 4/9. One thing that we did the day of his funeral we planted a cherry blossom tree in the front yard and it blossoms every year in May and its beautiful. Another thing that helps me to is even though he was only here for a little over a year he brought joy to everyone who knew him and none of the memories I nor anyone has of him are bad memories. I just try to be thankful for the time I did get to spend with him. I dont know if the pain every realy goes away. Maybe try writing in a journal, thats what I did for like the first year almost everyday and I wrote in it like I was writing a letter to him. I still write in it periodicaly. Its easier that way for me cause my family doesnt realy talk about Devin either and I think its cause they think it makes me upset too. I hope your days get better. Take care.

Tammy - posted on 06/03/2009

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We all wish it didnt happen to us.When my daughter passed just after christmas i thought I cant do this any more. It was hot and we had the air-con on, I cant remember if Tamika was crying or anything if only I got up and checked on her maybe she would be still alive today. When I got up to check boy that was nasty shock she was so cold. I blame myself every day that guilt doesnt go.......... And if our husbands would only talk about it. this mite help.............So I know ..........The guilt gets a little easier but it doesnt go away.......

Brandi - posted on 06/02/2009

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The guilt doesn't go away and it sucks. My little boy was 6wks. and 4 days old when he passed away on May 15, 2009. I laid him down for a nap and so I laid down next to his bassinet and when I woke he had already passed away less than a foot away from me,

SAMANTHA - posted on 06/01/2009

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ME TOO. I FEEL YOUR PAIN HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED WHY ME WHY MY BABY WHAT DID I EVER DO?

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My son was 4 weeks old when he passed of GBS meningitis.. I had GBS when he was born which is a common bacteria in the birth canal.. Thinking that he got it from me I feel extremely guilty too.. Everyone tells me its not my fault alot of women have GBS and theres nothing I could have done too.. But God I know how you feel Im so sorry :( Noone should have to feel this way :( I think everyday that there has to have been something I could have done during or after my pregnancy for this...

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