Some Helpful Advice Needed Please

Tammy - posted on 09/11/2009

It is normal to be afraid you will forget but rest assured that you won't. My little guy would have been 26 this year and I lost him when he was two days old but even after all this time I still think about him and remember. For me the first year was the hardest because I felt like I was going to lose my mind. The pain was unbearable but my mother gave me some great advice, it was that I could let it distroy me and leave the one child I had or I could embrace my grief and realize I was going to wake up tomorrow and every day after so I really had no choice but to survive. It never goes away but it does change and the pain becomes less. On the subject of your other children, what you have to remember is sometimes we have to bite the bullet and suffer in silence and what I mean by that is even when our fear overwhelms us we have to love them enough to not let it overwhelm them. I think sometimes we think we are suppose to be able to just pick up the pieces right away and that's not going to happen. You have to realize it's still fresh and too soon to expect too much recovery too soon but don't let your grief swallow you. My mom was great because I could talk to her about him all the time. Things like what he looked like and how I felt, this is very important because you need to validate the childs existance but you know that people get uncomfortable around you when you bring up the subject. My prayers go with you. One more thing. You will never be the same again but it's up to you on if you let your fears lead you or you take control. I refused to let anything control me and fought back through the pain and fear. Now I have three beautiful grown children and a beautiful husband and believe it or not I can laugh and love. It's a long road but you have to remember you are never alone. One thing that gave me inspiration was when I found out my grandmother, who by the way was a wonderful woman, had lost not only one but three children long before I came along. A daughter who was three and died in her arms and two boys, one lived a day and the other a week. I would never have been able to tell if my mother hadn't told me. She laughed and hugged and loved every day that I knew her, I figured if she could have lived through that then I wouldn't be much of a woman if I let my grief buckle me. You need to find someone you can be totally honest and open with. Someone who isn't going to tell you how you should feel but listen to you when say how you feel. It's ok to be angry and afraid but please don't let it become who you are.

Dolores Or Just DeeDee - posted on 09/11/2009

Amber, I lost my daughter 7 months ago as well, and I know of fear of losing another child. What would we be without them? I haven't spoken to anyone professional yet, but I am about to. I hold a lot in and I wonder if I talk about her more than maybe my nights will be calmer. I can't just fall asleep. The lights go off and all the memories, good and bad, come flooding back. The way she reached for me and called for me the last time, all her suffering. It haunts me. I leave the TV on and eventually I drift off. We will never be the same. A part of us has died with our children and until we reunite with them we are forever changed. Talking to a complete stranger sounds welcoming to me, esp. someone professional. They expect tears and anger and allow it to happen. People we know can't stand to see the pain we are going through and avoid talking about what we need to most of all. I want to get it all out without worring about my two other daughters witnessing more of my pain. So many times I've wanted to break things or hit walls, but how do I explain this to a 5 and 7 year old. I need help and I want it for my childrens sake. What we are doing now has been so helpful. Just keep talking and allow the grieving. It will never be easy but I do hope we can learn to cope.

Miriam - posted on 09/11/2009

Hello Amber,
I am so terribly sorry to hear of your loss of your precious son. My daughter passed away a little over 2 years ago and I would like to reassure you that the fears and feelings that you are experiencing are very normal. After Elizabeth died I joined a forum run by SANDS UK (Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Support Charity) which sadly was closed down a few months ago and through that I met a lot of mums like us and came to realise that my fears, anxieties and panic attacks were a normal part of grieving for and dealing with the death of your child. I wish I could refer you to that forum- it was my lifeline in the early days and weeks and months when I thought I couldn't face another moment. Instead I will give you the links to a few other forums that have been started up since the main one closed which are run by mums like you and me and where you will find good support.

This group is good- in that it includes mums who have lost their children at all different ages and in different ways but sometimes it really helps to have somewhere to go where everyone has a common experience and so their grief journeys are similar to yours and they can give you the help and advice you really need at the time.

You mention being afraid that you will forget your son. I want to recommend getting yourself a journal and writing absolutely every single thing you can remember in it. It will become your memory bank so if your memories become a little hazy you have it all there written down. The other thing you can do is make a memory box and put everything you have that reminds you of your son- maybe a toy you bought him when you were expecting or the receiving blanket he was wrapped in, his birth certificate, sympathy cards you were sent when he passed away...I know some people who buy presents for their baby and put them into their memory box.
An ornament for your christmas tree that you bring out every year and hang in pride of place is another option for creating tangible memories.

One thing I have done is put photos of Elizabeth up around my house. I also have a portrait of her that my sister painted for me (she is a portrait artist) and that is hanging in my living room. I find that most of my friends and family avoid talking about her and change the subject if I say anything about her but in my house she is there, out in the open and I am proud of her and if anyone has a problem with that then they can just not come to my house. An unexpected thing that has come of this is that my mother in law came to visit recently and she asked for a copy on one of the photos I have on the wall because she wants to put it on display in her house and she actually brought Lizzy up in conversation several times in the three days she was staying with us. I think that she has realised that she doesn't have to grieve silently for her grand daughter either and that she can make a statement about Elizabeth in her home too. I really recommend putting a photo of your boy on display if you have one that you are happy to share with other people.
As for checking that your other children are still breathing...I still do that over 2 years on.

Some links for any parent who is looking for a supportive community and who has lost a child through late miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death or termination of pregnancy for medical reasons. There is no time frame for these forums whether your loss is recent or 40+ years ago you are welcome. There are also some grandparents on some of them.

http://overtherainboworg.mysmf.com/index...

http://sands2009.myfreeforum.org
(predominantly IVF mums)

http://www.footprintsinthesand.org.uk/sm...

http://touchedbyanangel.forums-free.com/
(predominantly ttc or pal mums)

Sending you hugs and praying that the days ahead are gentler.

Rebecca - posted on 09/02/2009

Hi Amber,
My son Noah was stillborn on his selected caesarian date 16 months ago yesterday. I am so sorry about the loss of your son.
I have seen a counsellor since Noah's death and whilst I'm sure that it's what I needed, I have to admit that I didn't really "click" with her. I have a bit of experience in this area, as I was diagnosed with clinical depression as a 16 year old and sought counselling then. It took me visits to a few diffferent counsellors then to find the one that was perfect for me, but when I did, it took just a few visits to get me off my anti-depressants and feeling/functioning so much better.
This time around I think I probably wasn't picky enough, I knew that the counsellor I was seeing wasn't helping me as much as the woman I had ended up seeing as a teen, but I figured that it wasn't fair to compare the two, as nobody can "fix" me now. I have just been referred to a different counselling service (through the Royal Women's Hospital - I am pregnant again and terrified that something will go wrong), but I haven't had my first appointment yet (I'll post again once I do and let you know how it goes).
I'm not trying to talk you into seeing a counsellor, if it's not for you, then it's not, but if you do decide to go that way, don't be afraid to shop around, find somebody that "gets you" and you feel really comfortable with.
Something that I learned through the counselling I received as a teen that helped me then and I have used again recently that might be an alternative (or addition) to counselling, is journal writing. I don't mean, sit down every night and write about your day, but when you feel like you need to express yourself, write it down, don't think about the spelling or punctuation, just let it flow. It might even help to write letters to your son (I have). I think it would also help you with the anxiety you are feeling about forgetting him. I know that you will never forget your son, but a journal will give you the chance to write down your feelings and memories of him, where you can keep them forever and revisit them whenever you need to.
None of what you are feeling is crazy - not the anxiety, the fear, the hesitance to trust a stranger with the precious memories you have of your child, the grief over the loss of your son, the grief and confusion over the loss of the "old you", none of it is crazy, it is all completely normal. It sucks, but it's normal.

Amber - posted on 08/29/2009

Thanks 2 Each and Everyone of you for Sharing your Stories and trying to help out with amazing Advice to Me...A complete Stranger...I must go shed some Tears,just missing my Handsome Man..and all your Sympathy's and Heart Felt Words are a signal for me too take a time out and have a long much needed Cry of everyones Symapathy and Warm Advice Just means ALOT to me right now..Ladies thanks for all your Encouragement..I also HOPE anyone of you don't mind that I added you to my Cirlcle of Moms Friends List ( Is thats what its Called on here?)

May The Creator of the Earth,Watch over our Angels,(Plze feel Free 2 Msg me anytime Again...Thanks and Hugs..AMBER

Jennifer - posted on 08/29/2009

my daughter past away 14 years ago i to did not want to talk to any one i spent most of my time up at her grave with my two young daughters it was killing, i would have both my girls sleep in my bed and i remember times waking up thinking they stopped breathing and i would grab them and start shaking my poor 2 year old it really scared me, it has been been fourteen years and it's still hard i still worrie about my girls and now i have a 6 month old grandson and those feelings came rite back he would stay the night and i would check his breathing every hour, all i can say is just keep talking to people i wish they would of had this when my little angel left,,, just remember your kids need you,, we can talk any time

Lori - posted on 08/29/2009

Amber,

My daughter passed away over 20 years ago and let me tell you, the opportunities to talk about her over the years have been few and far between. My family always avoided discussions about her because they were afraid I would cry. SO WHAT?!! Had I never sought counseling for other things, I would probably be a total basket case by now. It's ok to worry about your surviving family - and normal. It's all part of a very huge, long grieving process - but you need to talk about your son. Telling a stranger about the wonderful person he was - even if he was a newborn you were just starting to know, yourself - will help. It's one way you can introduce him to new people - and work out your grief. He will always be a part of you and you will never forget him. You ARE his mother!!! Even if you can no longer hold him in your arms, you can and will hold him forever in your heart.

Julie - posted on 08/29/2009

Hi Amber...I am so sorry for your loss...My son passed away 2 1/2 years ago and i still feel the way you do...i must say the intesity of the fear is slowly fading but it is a long road to be able to trust again ...I feel so much for you and want you to know that I feel the same and so do many others...it took me 2 years to take a holiday and feel ok that somthing bad was never going to happen..I belive we lived life before this pain so secure and confident in the future and once it is shattered it is so hard to have "faith" in a world we once seen as so "unshaterable" I understand when you say "go back to the old you happy and chatty" but that will never happen because you are changed for ever I know they say time heals I dont belive that but it does give us insight into coping and gives us faith in each day when our worse fears dont become reality I recently became a totall mess as my 4 year old was sleeping over a freinds house (my son passed from SIDS) and I was having anxiety attacks because I wouldnd be able to be there her and watch her breath as she sleeped....she had a fantastic night and I survived...you will find so many times of "changes" and some you will belive you cant cope but you will and you will grow and you willl become a stronger better person for it....You are not going crazy.....and you will find the person you are now take time and talk and you are more then welcome to contact me at any time lots of love and big hugs xooxxoxo

Elizabeth - posted on 08/28/2009

Hi I lost my son coming up on 2 years this september. As for sharing with a complete stranger it can actually help to talk about your son with them. It helps you remeber your son even more if you talk about him. I'm not sure how the people who know you react if you try to talk with the about him. But I know whenever I try to talk about my son people tried to change the subject and it makes me feel upset because i really wanted to talk about him. I found that although i didn't really want to talk about him to a stranger it did help as the person sat and listened to me talk and i got to remember and picture my son. As for checking on your other kids every night and at nap times I still do the same thing even after 2 years. that may be something that you never stop doing. Try to focus on your other kids and trying to do things with them. It might help you feel better. You will never forget your son as he was a part of your life and especially if you talk about him. Even if it's with a councellor. I hope this helps.