Stupid things people say

Andrea - posted on 06/15/2009 ( 218 moms have responded )

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I just have to share what bothers me most after the death of one of my twins. If one more person says to me "Well at least you still have one" I'm going to haul off and punch them! I am well aware that I have one of the twins and feel very blessed for that, but that doesn't rid my heart of the pain I feel for the loss of his brother. I miss him everyday eventhough his brother is still alive...quit being so inconsiderate people! Let's remind people that if you don't know what to say, don't say anything at all...silence is ok. Any other stupid comments you would like to share to vent to the world?

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Tracy - posted on 08/15/2009

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Hi Andrea, i too know how that feels and can sympathise with you, when i lost my daughter everyone would say at least you have one still (being my son), or its ok you can have another one, but its still not going to be my sweet girl and i got my tubes done after i gave birth to her anyway. i cant imagine how it must feel though to your partner, you and your child, as one of your twins is not there. I feel every day like something's missing, but what you said about "at least you have the other one", (i would give them a good smack in the face) or at least just walk away! I am sorry for your loss and you and your family take care!

Kelly - posted on 08/14/2009

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I know what you mean. It's been two years.and it still hard. I kep thinking if I hadn't fell. how it would be with them both here.

Aigner - posted on 08/14/2009

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I lost my son last February at the age of 3. It doesn't matter how many children you have each one is an individual and they can never replace my son Andrew. So I really do not like it when people say:

"Well at least you have another boy"

" God needed another Angel"

"He's in a better place now"

Like most of you said the better place would be for him to be here with me living his life playing with his brother and sister, watching his cars movie and showing me his beautiful smile.

Melissa - posted on 08/13/2009

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Oh and there is ALWAYS someone who has had this happen to them. And the people who think that a miscarriage is the same as losing a child born at 32 weeks. Had a friend who lost a baby at 7 weeks and she said I know your pain, I asked how? She said I lost of and I asked her if she held her son or daughter? Does she have pictures of him or her? Did she feel the baby? Is her son or daughter resting in a urn in her living room? No to all? Well defiantly not the same.

Melissa - posted on 08/13/2009

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Oh yeah I wish those people would just keep shut. I have a six year old and lost my 2nd in May at 32 weeks premature. I hear always how I can always have another. But I just had my other and I wanted this one I don't want another to replace her why do people think another will ease my pain?



"God needed her more"

Melissa - posted on 08/13/2009

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Oh yeah I wish those people would just keep shut. I have a six year old and lost my 2nd in May at 32 weeks premature. I hear always how I can always have another. But I just had my other and I wanted this one I don't want another to replace her why do people think another will ease my pain?



"God needed her more"

Melissa - posted on 08/13/2009

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Oh yeah I wish those people would just keep shut. I have a six year old and lost my 2nd in May at 32 weeks premature. I hear always how I can always have another. But I just had my other and I wanted this one I don't want another to replace her why do people think another will ease my pain?



"God needed her more" FOR WHAT!?!? doesn't he have enough?



Oh and the best of all...Why aren't you hysterical?. Oh so I'm supposed to be laying on the floor screaming for you? I said Excuse me for not putting on a show I didn't think it was appropriate. Like I wasn't hysterical when the man walked over to me and said I'm sorry there isn't anything else we can do. Like I wasn't hysterical laying on my bed screaming into a pillow crying harder than I have ever cried in my life? Sorry I wasn't thinking to ask the husband to grab the video camera. It's like I had to prove this this person who BTW was my supposed best friend that I am torn apart, my tears weren't enough I guess.

Heather - posted on 08/13/2009

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I think the worst thing was when people told me that they understood. No one understands what it feels like! Most people have never lost a child so how could they understand the horrible pain that I feel every minute that I'm here without my baby? Even if they have lost a child they still didn't lose mine! Every baby has a different personality, different faces, different everything. I only know what my pain feels like and not someone elses. I only know what it is like to lose my son my precious Rylan. I am so sick of hearing people tell me that they know how I feel. They have no idea

Andrea - posted on 08/13/2009

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I remembered another one. I went to my family doctor to see if I could get my antidepressant increased. While I was sitting there crying, he asked how long it had been since my daughter died. I told him three months through sobs. He then looked at me over the rim of his glasses and stated, "You are not special. There are lots of people who have had a child die. You need to get over it."

I found another doctor right away...but not before I had a severe meltdow and was hospitalized.

Christine - posted on 08/13/2009

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my worse one was from the family doctor after i had misscarried my 3rd baby and he told me at least you are young and can have another one, 12 try's later i i still did not have another one only to be told by the hosptial obs and gyn man that i should never have had my son

another is you may be only able to carry boys and girls dont live

at family do's people asking when you are having another even when you have just lost one

Cherelle - posted on 08/13/2009

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Quoting Jasmin:

I just lost my daughter 3 weeks ago she was 15 months old so i'm still hearing all this BS. So far the dumpest thing someone said to me is...
"remember when you doing bad that somebody else is doing worst then you."
WHAT DA ****?!!!! what can possibly worst then losing your only child or any child for that matter?
dat really pissed me off. another one is...
"be happy that you have people that care about you"
"she in a better place" Where is dat place exactly?
"you need to get up and do something" I just lost my child what da hell am I supposed to do now?
I wish people would just leave me alone and let me do this on my own!
o yea i forgot a really bad one
"I SHOULD HAVE A YARD SALE AND SELL ALL HER STUFF!!!!"


Jasmin.



I lost my son almost a year ago now, and he was 6 weeks old. Personally, in your shoes, i would throttle those who are saying 'get over it' or that 'you need to get up and do something'. You are doing something. You are grieving, you are remembering, and you are trying to stay together as a human being, not that they would have any idea, not being in your shoes and knowing how god damned hard what you are doing is! >

Cherelle - posted on 08/13/2009

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I really think you *should* haul off and punch them; sure, you do still hav e one, but that wont make the pain and loss go away! The comment that i hated beyond belief a year ago when i lost my son was a gem from a friend of mine, who is very religious. We told her he was dying, and coming home to do so, and she replied with 'well, the perfect baby for the perfect parents'. I was sooo close to just flipping my lid at her...didnt speak to her for months afterward. Hang in there; people don't understand in the least what you are going through, and mainly those insensitive comments are just them trying to hide their inability to deal with you normally and their discomfort *hugs*

Aleksandra - posted on 08/13/2009

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I am soooo sorry about your son. Cannot event think about what you have been through. I lost a pregnancy in May, cannot put myself together - I have a toddler daughter but I fweel like a part of my heart died with my second child. Cannot speak to people, they usually do not want to talk at all.....sad

Aleksandra - posted on 08/13/2009

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I am soooo sorry about your son. Cannot event think about what you have been through. I lost a pregnancy in May, cannot put myself together - I have a toddler daughter but I fweel like a part of my heart died with my second child. Cannot speak to people, they usually do not want to talk at all.....sad

Allegra - posted on 08/12/2009

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I found out at 8 weeks that I lost a twin and I didn't know at the time that I was even expecting twins. When i told ppl my mother actually said to me that it was probably for the best because 3 would have been a lot to handle ( i have a 2 yr old son). I also had friends say that at least i didnt know that i was expecting twins because its like i didnt even lose one! I was so mad. I'm very grateful for my daughter but i still look at her and thinkof what itwould have been like to have her twin with us. I notice that people like to pretend that i was never having twins because for them that child never existed. Imay have lost the baby early on but it was still my baby. I got a tattoo for my children with their names in a heart for each one of them and for the twin i lost, i got a little red heart with a halo so no one can ever deny that i'm a mother of 3, not 2.

Jenny - posted on 08/12/2009

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I agree with you also Jean when my son passed they didnt know the cause of it yet so the investigators first wouldnt let me go to the hospital to see if they was able to revive him so I didnt know what was going on they said I wasnt going anywhere until I was done with their questions which took atleast an hour then they went to all of my neighbors asking them about me if I had anger issues or if there was ever any disputes at my house because they was investigating a possible homicide so of course everyone was talking and it got to the point that my daughter at the time was 4 and her and her other 4 year old friend was talking about a baby that passed and my daughter asked "well who killed it" because of what she was hearing so I had to move imediatly and I filed a complaint so they threatend me with CPS to have my 2 girls taken away from me I kept persuing it until now all detectives and cops now have to take a sensitivity course before they can go out into the field and handle cases like that it is so horrible how when we lose our child people can do and say the worst things possible

Aimee - posted on 08/12/2009

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I to lost my twin son..and ppl said atleast u have ur little girl. and its probly better this way in case something was wronge w.him..ughhhh i hated ppl so bad it was the worst thing anyone can go thru.he died of SIDS. I wont tell u it will get better. its been 6yrs for me.it dont get better it gets bareable. i am gratefull God left me my daughter an then 3yrs later gave me a son. but i always think everytime she reaches a milestone wow wonder what he would be like, dont torture yourself over stupid ppl. learn to feel sorry that there are really ppl that stupid and laugh at them dont let them get to u hun, u are here to survive and bring awarness!!!!

Caroline - posted on 08/12/2009

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I'm baby-sitting my grandson, Logan, tonight, he's 3 weeks old and I was there at his birth, our Charlie arrived not long after (a few days) my daughter had Logan. I went to visit a friend with Logan and my 3 year old and 2 year old.....she asked me how I was feeling and I said I still missed Charlie but didn't want to discuss it right then.......her comforting reply was think how tired you'd be if you had another baby as well.....I thought think how happy we'd all be but kept my mouth shut for the sake of my sons who were with me. Jean I think you're right, some form of article to inform people in general of things not to say.....better to say nothing than to make someone feel 10 times worse than they already do!!

Andrea - posted on 08/12/2009

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OMG! That is just rude. If people only knew how much of a fear it is for us to have our little Angels forgotten. I sign all of my family correspondence with the living and Angel Ellen. I think there are a lot of people that are uncomfortable about it but I guess I just don't care. I talk about her all of the time. I miss her and I remember a lot about her...and I hope it would never be like it didn't happen. It is just my new normal.

Lynette - posted on 08/12/2009

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My favorite was "don't worry, one day it will be like it never happened."
As if I could ever forget holding my son as he died.

Andrea - posted on 08/11/2009

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Jean, that is an excellent idea...and a very pro-active (insead of reactive) thing to do. I just caught myself yesterday having the same thought about a friend's grandparent who has been sick for as long as I have known her. I thought, "Finaly at peace"...then I thought about something my oldest sister said to me just a few weeks ago...and I just said that I was sorry. I also told her that if there was anything...like making a memory move out of pictures or posters for the funeral service...I am their gal to go to.

Jean - posted on 08/11/2009

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"they weren't meant to be or grow to adulthood" and He's in a better place or better off.

Get Real!! Yet, mothers and others who have not lost a child, actually do not know what to say. So, what comes out comes off the top of their heads. Maybe we should get together and do some sort of newspaper item or mag. item informing others the appropriate "verbal" words and actions that Do comfort us in our time of emotional need.

Andrea - posted on 08/10/2009

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I have a few that have not been mentioned. I guess I have a few very unusual, callous folks that would have been better off just not saying anything at all. For example, when my youngest daughter died, a friend of mine would call me and over and over remind me of what a terrible experience this must be. I finally had to tell her during one of her depressing conversations that I was having enough trouble handling my own emotions...let alone having to manage her's as well.

Then, my mom. She is tough as nails but not the most nuturing. About three weeks after Ellen had passed away, she called me to tell me about a news story she had just heard. A woman in Missouri, who had a child and put a sign in her front yard announcing the birth, had her baby taken and throat cut. Her point to me was that...it could be worse. My little girl died and I know that she is dead but the woman in Missouri, who survived her injuries, didn't know where her baby was and if she was alive or not. She scorned me and told me that I was making this too hard. It should be easier that I was making it.

The nicest thing anyone said was a note written from a co-worker, "My loss is God's gain."

Caroline - posted on 08/10/2009

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Our Charlie arrived on the 30th July and we buried him on the monday......I wakened up every night (more than once eacn night) to the sound of him crying only to get out of bed and realise that I'd never hear him cry. After a few nights I moved one of our solar garden lights to the place where he sleeps and i've not heard his crying during the night since then. The way I saw it was that all my other children used night lights so why shouldn't Charlie have one too....it has helped me too. The pain is still immense but I know that given time I will learn how to manage and get through each day. Charlie will never be forgotten and will always be our 7th baby. Someone said we were still young enough to have a 7th child.....I wanted to say "Charlie is our 7th if we have another baby it will be our 8th-you don't just not count him because he didn't survive" but was too afraid to say it out loud for fear of losing control and saying much much more. There's only so many thoughtless (although well-meaning) comments one person can take. I haven't been to church since having him because too many people (most of them christians) have said stupid things and I would rather not hear how gods does whats best....or he's in a better place or any of the other things people say when they don't really know what to say.

Jenny - posted on 08/10/2009

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I have heard so many stupid things people say but the one that was said to me that really stands out and to understand it you have to know that before my son passed he was real sick vomiting crying he would stop breathing for no reason but the dr. had an excuse for everything and when he passed we found out that he had bronchial pneumonia the whole time and I had one of my good friends moms tell me

"it's your fault you took him to the dr. too much so he thought you wanted something to be wrong with him"

now how in the world are you going to tell someone that just lost their son that it is their fault that one hurt me bad because I am already feeling guilty as it is

Stephanie - posted on 08/10/2009

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For a misscarage "well god knew you had a boy and this one was a boy too and he knows how much you wanted a girl"

Tabitha - posted on 08/10/2009

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I have heard everything on here believe me you feel like punching someone in the face, I personally think the worst one is I know what your going through.... how? Have you ever lost a child, have you ever felt this complete emptyness if you havent you shouldnt say that to someone. people who have never been through what we have been through should never say I know what your going through. Loosing a loved one is hard I know but loosing a child someone you created someone you held inside felt their hiccups their kicks some who you loved before you ever met them is completely different. I was told by my Grandmother God would punish me for having my daughter out of wedlock and when my daughter passed away i was so angry at God and her for even saying that. It has taken me 3 years to speak to her. People need to just shut up and think sometimes before they speak. My heart goes out to all in this group.

Katie - posted on 08/08/2009

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i feel ur pain - when my son died 7 years ago from S.I.D.S everytime someone that looked like they were going to say something i wanted to hit... but after all these years i do know they were just trying to be nice but also some of them were just stupid... i really hated he's in a better place now .. that one pissed me off the most !!! and still does after all these years Yes i know hes in a better place with god but guess what i want him hear with me.. ( they try but . if they dont know what to say they should not say anything at all ).. and i am sorry that u lost one of ur twins after all these years i will be honest,, the pain don't go away but it does get a littel better in time.. times all u can ask for .. wishing you and ur family all the best.. from one sad mother to another!!!! katie

Jen - posted on 08/07/2009

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I was once told that "maybe this is God's way of saying you aren't ready to be a mom" from someone i barley knew...yes thank you that makes me feel so much better and "at least he was only six weeks old you didn't really get to bond with him or get to know him all that well" ok...? people are trying to be nice but just say your sorry for my loss

Ericka - posted on 08/06/2009

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Andrea, I lost two of my triplet daughters due to premature birth. Lisa died at 2 days old, Christina at 6 weeks. My surviving daughter, Samantha is now 5yrs...



On call L&D Dr: " you are young enough to have more children" (my babies had not been born yet)



NICU Social Worker: "I'm surprised you had Lisa's funeral already. I thought you'd wait, you know, just in case..." (3 weeks before my 2nd daughter died).



My MIL: "did you double check the casket? You know hospitals mess up. How do you know you buried the right child?" (this was w/in 1 hour of Christina's funeral, almost hit her)



And the classic: "At least you have one" (they are babies, not dishes people!!)



My husband and I ran a grief ministry at our church for a couple years and I truly believe that it is better for someone to remain quiet than to speak and unknowingly hurt someone with careless words.



I am truly sorry for your loss.

Gina - posted on 08/06/2009

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Caroline, I think planting a Rose where you buried Charlie is a beautiful gesture of love toward your baby. It seems when people don't walk in your shoes, they talk out of ignorance, not empathy or their hearts. I get sick of well meaning people, not thinking BEFORE speaking! I get bent out of shape too. "He is better off now.'? What better place can out children be, than with their Moms? If God takes them when they are old and have live their lives, God still gets to have our children longer than we do. That is my theory.

Rachael - posted on 08/06/2009

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My best friend said, His job is to be in heaven and take care of you now. He's a BABY, I'm meant to be taking care of HIM! Funny how those comments all all engraved in your mind right?

JanaLee - posted on 08/05/2009

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So many people talk with out thinking.. How about well its better now while he was still a baby then later when you have really bonded.

Caroline - posted on 08/05/2009

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I have 6 beautiful healthy children.......so people keep pointing out to me but that doesn't mean we loved Charlie any less. Most of our friends and family have been a great help and we're thankful for that but what I have found is that most christians say the most ridiculous things.....think how you'd have felt if the "it" wasn't quite right when "it" was born, its for the best, its in a better place now, you need to look after your other children, at least you've got your daughters baby.

For a start "it"?? I was having a baby!!! He was beautiful, just the size of my thumb but a baby all the same. Fir the best??....for who, not us or our children. A better place.....where is better than with the family who loves you more than anyone else in the whole wide world. Look after my other children......I never stopped looking after them, even the grown up ones who have left home. And last but not least....at least you have your daughters baby.......actually no I don't, what I do have with Logan is a beautful grandson who I watched make his way into this world only 2 weeks ago....1 week before we lost Charlie. I love him dearly but he is not Charlie and its Charlie that I want. I am struggling to believe in an all loving god right now and other christians aren't helping with their cold comments.....(not all chritians though)

I still feel very raw...and find myself avoiding people incase they say something stupid and I lose the plot and tell them exactly what i think of what they say.

We planted a rose where we buried Charlie and one loving person said "is that not a bit sick" If it was a person who had made it into this world and actually breathed outside the womb people would expect a funeral, a grave stone and a buffet......our baby was a person too.

Elizabeth - posted on 08/05/2009

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To all the moms who have suffered this loss:

No one can know our pain unless they have been in the same situation. We can't blame them for their ignorance. It is true that if someone doesn't know what to say, silence is usually the best option. I pray that all of you are able to find peace and know that your children are safe with the Lord.

The Lord bless you and keep you
The Lord lift His countenance upon you,
And give you peace,
The Lord make His face to shine upon you,
And be gracious unto you.

Gina - posted on 08/05/2009

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It never ceases to amaze me how insensitive people are? Why wouldn't you want your baby here no matter what the situation is with her father? IGNORANCE! It seems I am not the only person that is on the receiving end. Sorry you and others are too....

Elizabeth - posted on 08/05/2009

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MY friend's son died of cancer at age 3. He was diagnosed at age 1 1/2. Poeple said to her "at least you knew it was coming so you could prepare"... How the heck are you supposed to "prepare" for a tragedy like that. I am brought to tears every time I think about that little spunky boy... I can't imagine her pain. I lost a baby, but it was while I was pregnant. I do feel like my loss was much easier. It still hurts though.

Elizabeth - posted on 08/05/2009

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My baby died and I ended up divorcing the father soon after for completely unrelated reasons. Everyone says, "well you wouldn't want you baby growing up with him as a dad..." Um, yes I would. Okay, so it wouldn't be a great situation having my ex husband in my child's life, but come on! I would give anything to have her!

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what? like miscarriage/stillbirth is some sort of illness? oh my god i'd have slapped her right then and there.

Ivy - posted on 08/05/2009

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My manager is pregnant.. She was 5 weeks behind me, and told me I shouldn't come around her anymore because "I might be contagious"..

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i find that the people who don't know what to say generally just say "i'm sorry for your loss". the people who say stupidest things are the ones who THINK they're saying something helpful or don't think at all before they speak.

i had a coworker who wanted to talk about the whole experience - "did it hurt worse than regular childbirth?" "can you describe the pain?" "did you cry?" "did you hold your babies?" "did you have a funeral?" ... she wanted to talk about this AT WORK. after she had only started working there like two or three days. talk about not thinking!

McKenzie - posted on 08/05/2009

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I agree if you dont know what to say dont say anything! We had people come up to us when we lost our daughter Cloe and say everything from "well that happens" to trying to make me laugh! I will laugh when I am ready but to try and make me laugh at my daughters funeral was so inappropriate!

RAE - posted on 08/05/2009

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With a smile on her face, a member of my congregation, in the middle of a crowded store, greats me by saying 'Heard you lost a baby is that true?' I was taken so aback I was mute for two days. Or the old faithful, 'you can always have more kids.'

Brandice - posted on 08/03/2009

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I hear you I lost both my twins during pregnancy and stupid people would be like well atleast you know he isnt shooting blanks or atleast you can get pregnant, they are ignorant and shouldnt say anything about something they dont understand

[deleted account]

I don't know, I don't mind the people that say stuff about God having a plan or God works in mysterious ways because I do really believe that.

The ones that piss me off are ones like "you weren't financially ready for twins," "you and your boyfriend each have your own child anyways you didn't need two more" "just get pregnant again" "at least you still have your health" "you didn't want to change diapers again anyways" ... it really never ends and it's so hard to suck it up and not snap at them.

Ivy - posted on 08/02/2009

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Today topped my list of the stupid things people say... My manager got pregnant about 5 weeks after I did.. I lost my son almost 2 months ago. She decided to call me today and tell me about how they found out it was a girl... They are putting it up for adoption because her boyfriend wanted a boy!!!! WHY WOULD I WANT TO KNOW THAT?

Laura - posted on 07/31/2009

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Their are so many comments that annoyed me. I had twins and lost one at 5 months old. and hate when people say you still have one healthy baby. I also her she is in a better place. I know she had a lot of health issues but she would be better with the mom and dad and sister who loved her. I also get you got spend 5 months with her. I got 5 months in the NICU. She never came home. I only got to hold her a few times. It is not the same. People just do not understand.

Alicia - posted on 07/31/2009

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people always try to comfort you by saying something like god needed another angel well he has two of my babys now and the second time arount that did not comfort me at all my first died minutes after birth and the second i lost past during labor and im sick of everyone saying that thats how god wanted it

Kay - posted on 07/31/2009

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5 days after my daughter Abbie was stillborn at 41 weeks friends from work came to see me & my husband. I was later told that 1 of them thought apparently I was coping really well but my husband wasnt, how did she know from spending an hour with us how either of us were feeling?

Melissa - posted on 07/31/2009

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I hear you people donth think before they speak when i was carrying my daughter knowing she would pass at some point cause of her anamoly I had people asking me why dont you just abort you can try again later your still young enough... but i could feel her every move so it was not a option for us. some even asked me how could you carry her thats not right

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